' I USED TO GET HIGH AND WATCH LAWRENCE WELK'....AND OTHER SECRETS

' I used to get high and watch Lawrence Welk' is just one of the dark secrets revealed anonymously to the world on a new website by those who haven't quite made it on to a reality show.

People have only to mail in their secrets - anonymously - on a homemade postcard which then are displayed for the world to see!!!

TT is rather partial to the ' I show pictures of my feet to a man online so he'll buy me stuff' and we think we know who it is!! 'I have to shave my toes....and I am a woman', does give us pause, however. Guess some secrets are uglier than others.

TT readers are encouraged to send their deepest, darkest secrets to TT at rootvegies@aol.com. Please include your name, address, phone and email address. We will 'vet' them against stringent 'human interest' criteria and then forward the creme de la creme for posting .Think of it as a contribution to the enhancement of understanding the human condition. Only TT will know the source of the secrets. Your complete privacy is totally assured (tee hee hee).

As we await the flood of tawdry revelations (we like tawdry), readers can check out the secrets of othersBY CLICKING HERE. Forward those secrets now and you will feel so much better for having shared it!!

TT WILL NOT BE STRIPPING FOR PENSIONS----OR ANYTHING ELSE

What is it with these women of a certain age that seems to propel them into taking their clothes off???

First it was a group of British women (Calander Girls chronicled their 'revelations') who stripped and posed for a calander to raise funds for charity. Now, it is a bunch of United Airlines Stewardesses protesting against the termination of squillions of $ of UAL's pension obligations.. Frankly, we didn't think we were allowed to call them stewardesses anymore!!

And where we might ask are the Stewards (or flight attendants or whatever the male species are now called)? Why aren't they issuing calanders of themselves in alluring variations of undress???

One thing we do know is that TT will not be stripping for pensions - or anything else for that matter - at least not until we get that cellulite under control!!

White House spokesmen have denied that Dubbya has any intention of 'unveiling' his own calander to bring attention to his plans for social security reform.CLICK HERE FOR PENSION REFORM PROPOSALS UNVEILED.

IT'S BIG, IT'S ORANGE AND OH SO UGLY

TT has absolutely nothing against discount travel - as long as we aren't required to participate!! Give us lush, plush and expensive please.

There is clearly a market (which doesn't include us!!) for the Ryanair and EasyJet airlines -- why have all those engines that you don't really, really, need. And we know there are lots of people who enjoy travelling for hours on a jammed packed bus to get from the airport to the place they are really going. Many folks don't mind flying in the baggage compartment - they enjoy being able to keep a close eye on their faux plastic cases.

But, things have now gone toooooo far.

The 'brain' (and very very rich) behind EasyJet has now launched EasyCruise with a fleet of huge very, very, very orange ugly boats (everything inside and out is orange, orange, orange). For $50 a night (life rafts are believed to cost extra if you want one available) you can have a little slice of Hell on one of these floating Orange Horrors.

These Monsters of the Sea will be bringing lager louts to the Italian and French Riviera (and who knows where next).

Gasp!!!

Monaco, Nice, Cannes, Portofino, Genoa have no idea what lies in store. All those sleek (white) uber yachts of the uber rich are in for a treat. Imagine the shock of waking up on your uber yacht, grabbing a glass of champagne and heading up on deck only to find....GASP...a very very large Orange floating barge bulging with orange clad lager louts (they will already be crushed up on deck because the 'cabins' are too teeny for any one to stay in except when they have passed out).

It is all too horrible!!! TT has already arranged to have our yacht moved out of the 'orange zone' and we highly recommend that TT readers with yachts (99%)CLICK HERE TO NOTE THE AREA TO BE IMMEDIATELY EVACUATED----FAST.

FROM THE SHARDS OF VICTORY....

Having sifted through the shards of Teflon Tony's ' 'victory', TT can now thankfully turn our attention to more substantive issues.

We will confess, a series of superfluous and annoyingly peripheral matters have distracted us. We have endured months of the Terry Schiavo Persistive Legislative State, a papal medical drama (he's breathing on his own...oops, he isn't breathing on his own), the 'election' of a new CEO for the Catholic Church (sorry folks but we aren't likely to get any more comfortable with scenes of adoring throngs cheering some German guy on a balcony..) and Tony's Last Stand. At last we are free to return to the important stuff. But what stuff?

Usually the Royals offer some Butler Chatter or Toe Sucking Duchess but Chuck is off at some Romanian monestary (hmmm. after only a month of marriage?). The best the Royals have been able to do in recent days is a 'scandal' involving accusations of Prince Harry cheating while at Eton(sniff! we have higher standards for scandal!). Anyway, isn't a Royal cheating a given? Harry, swastika armband back in the closet, is accused by a teacher (fired) of having cheated on his art course. Huh? Puleeeze. Cheating on an art course?Geometry maybe, but how can you cheat at art - specially when it is paint-by-numbers?

Or, we could turn our new laser focus on the Benefir 2 probable preganancy but (yawn), that would just put us to sleep.

Alternatively, we could hone in on The Gloved One's molestation and conspirary trial but, to be frank, this is getting too weird even for TT. We have kinky bondage dolls, killers plotting hot air balloon 'disappearances', ex-wives who have sold their kids and seem to want a better price and a series of Mothers of Chuckie who find it perfectly normal to leave their pre-pubescent boys to sleep in a bed with a weird adult male ---while they shop for bling bling.

One is almost tempted to pick up on the Runaway Bride (again) but she and her rainbow coloured blanket have retreated from view to deal with her 'issues' and review book and movie deals.

The faithful (and CHASTE) fiance has said he still intends to marry her (abstinence has again been proved to have a fatal impact on good judgement ) and 'hasn't everyone made a mistake'? Good point. But , surely 'A' mistake is the operative word. Just which mistake is he referring to? Disappearing days before her wedding leaving only a trail of hair chunks? Staying at the Treasure Island Hotel in Vegas? (selecting Treasure Island over Mandalay Bay, the Venetian, Bellaggio or Wynn sure counts in TTs book as a mistake). Or, is he referring to falsely reporting her kidnap and rape? or would it be those THREE shoplifting arrests? Hard to know which mistake he might be referencing.

The Fiance has been chaste for the past five years (God made him do it) so we are prepared to accept that his judgement has been seriously impaired. And, we now know that the Runaway had also been abstemous with her previous fiance (the one she dumped on the phone) so clearly an insanity defence is in the offing for all involved.

Frankly, we have to wonder about those breast implants(yes, TT knows everything!!) that the bride had before she met the (current)fiance. With all that rampant celebacy we just have to figure she took off before The Fiance found out that all was not as it appeared to be. Hmm. Did she shoplift before or after the implants? Enquiring minds want to know.

In the meantime, the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well. The bride to be is in seclusion trying to figure out why she was running away' from herself' (the 500 plus guests, fiance and ginormous wedding party might be forgiven for thinking she ditched them) and reviewing her cash generation options. But some smart guy just picked up $102 selling a 'Runaway Bride Kit' on e-Bay (comes complete with scissors, bottle of hair dye, matchbox blue and white van and fake clump of hair).

We admire the burgeoning trade it toast-art (a derivative of cheese sandwich art). One artiste reaped over $100,000 for his peice of toast with an image that sort-of looks like the Runaway Bride. Now there are Runaway Bride T-shirts, Rainbow towels, sneakers.....this could all have a very positive impact on the US trade deficit.

With toast selling for over $100,000, TT strongly recommends that the more parsimonious TT reader wanting historical memorabilia CLICK HERE AND GET YOUR RUNAWAY BRIDE ACTION DOLL - for under $30.

As for TT, we are going to the kitchen to make toast --LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of toast!!!

KUNG FU STATESMEN BURY ISSUES AND AWAIT ANNOINTMENT RESULTS

British Voters, at least those who have resolved their indecision, are trekking to the polls today to determine the magnitude of Teflon Tony's historic third term in office (jealous Bill?).

But what to do till the polls close and results can be reported?? No projected winners being declared by rival TV networks in Britain allowed!!!

Many thoughtful and introspective voters will ingest further analysis, bone up on the issues or CLICK ON KUNG FU STATESMENpick their hero and bury a few select issues. A quick guide to UK politics is available for those with insufficient knowledge (or manual dexterity) to get into the spirit of things!!

THE UNCREDIBLES GO TO THE WIRE

Only two days to go before Teflon Tony goes to the electorate - those that haven't been sedated by the absence of any credible alternatives - to find out how big his majority will be.

As a torrent of 'leaked' memos confirm what we all knew - that Tony made the decision to back Bush in invading Iraq almost a year before the invasion and, like some other folks we know, rear-ended ' facts' to fit the 'policy'. Anyone else would be turfed out on their posterior but not likely for the 'Teflon Tone'. There may not be any credible alternatives to Tony Bush, but there is a lot of thoughtful and detailed analysis available to the British voter to help them figure out how big a majority they really want to give him.

Sophisticated TT readers, interested in the nuances of the Big Picture Issues and Players in the up-coming British elections, SHOULD CLICK HERE AND STUDY CAREFULLY TO ENSURE YOU ARE ADEQUATELY INFORMED TO PARTICIPATE IN PROFOUND PRE AND POST ELECTORAL DISCOURSE.

RUNAWAY WEDDING GUESTS HEADING FOR VEGAS TO GAMBLE

So, the 'Runaway Bride' is back and says the wedding is 'postponed' not cancelled. Anyone bother to check with the groom???

TT has it on very good authority that if/when the wedding is rescheduled the six hundred guests, the wedding party of 28 and the groom will be stricken by a last minute need to be 'alone'. Taking their cue from the bride who headed to Las Vegas -- the most logical place for some quiet reflection on her upcoming nuptuals -- it is understood that the entire guest list, dog handlers, search teams, media and groom and will be taking cash refunds for the gifts, and heading to Vegas for some reflective gambling and give the 'runaway bride' what she wants - a LOT of time alone!!