Leichtenstein is for rent!!

Yes, this tiny bastion of free enterprise can be rented (all 60 square miles) by corporations for marketing purposes. Corporate logos can be spattered throughout the tiny nation. Only the Royal Family is off limits.

Turnip Top is considering rentng Leichtenstein for its first annual Turnip Top Readers Romp (TTRR).

It occurs to us though, that these Leichtensteinese have the key to resolving the Axis of Evil problem and doing so simultaneously and without bombs.

North Korea needs hard currency so why not rent itself out to corporate America (or Britain, or France or....). Nike could rent North Korea, decorate its missiles with the Nike slash and get a mountain of publicity. Or, one can easilly imagine those same missiles or plutonium plants painted American Express Green (Dont Leave Home Without It).

Fortune 500 companies could take turns renting Iraq until everyone is satisfied that Iraq is free of whatever it is they are supposed to be without. We see Golden Arches over Presidential Palaces and Ronald McD roaming the streets of Baghdad. Similarly, Coca Cola could rent Iran and so on and so on.

The beauty of the concept is that it can be expanded should, at any time, the Axis become the Quadrangle of Evil. In the meantime, Leichtenstein is up for grabs and TT, for one .can hardly wait to plaster that miniature country with bold TT logos, t shirts and umbrellas.


NOTE: Readers who insist on commenting can do so directly to TurnipTop or one of her clones (thanks to the Raelians and Dr FFF) at rootvegies@aol.com

Most folks that Turnip Top has talked to recently seem convinced that an invasion of Iraq is inevitable. Until a few days ago, Turnip Top would have agreed.

However, TT believes that a major, but sparsely reported, peace initiative by the Germans holds great promise.

The recently crowned beauty queen, Miss Germany (the Bratwurst Babe as she is affectionately known in some quarters) has arrived in Baghdad on a peace mission.

Scientific research has determined that 96% of all beauty queen winners state "world peace" as their personal life goal (the other 4% want to eradicate world hunger). The Bratwurst Babe distinguishes herself from those for whom these are only words by heading to Baghdad for three days of meetings with Iraqui officials...including the Iraqui Foreign Minister. TT has little doubt that he was sincere when quoted as saying that he was "looking forward" to the meeting.

When asked by the German newspaper Bild as to the purpose of her trip, the BB explained that she plans to talk to the Iraqui officials about the "dangers of biological weapons" and the need to disarm.

TT thinks it is unfair that this initiative is being treated with derision and the doubts expressed about her expertise, or lack thereof, in the area of biological weapons is mean spirited.

But TT would point out that BB undoubtedly has vast experience with silicone implants, botox, collogen and other weapons utilized in the ferocious battles of the beauties --- a war in which she is apparently very experienced.

We feel confidence that when BB is through with the Iraquis there will not be a trace of botox, collogen or a silicone implant anywhere in the country. Disarming Iraq may yet happen without a single bullet fired.

It is with great glee that Turnip Top notes that Root Vegetables are finally getting the international acclaim they deserve!!!

The Vienna Vegetable Orchestra (not to be confused with the Vienna Boys Choir) will be playing at the Royal Festival Hall in London this month. We kid you not, folks. All the instruments are crafted from vegetables (with occasional kitchen appliances thrown in where abolutely necessary). Leeks, carrots and (gulp!) even turnips figure prominently in the orchestra's marinated sounds.

TT's only unease comes with the discovery that post-concert, all the instruments are made into soup so the audience can enjoy them a second time! (OUCH, says TT).

Check it out for yourselves: http://www.gemuesorchrster.org/amfang_e.htm

The Chiquita Banana celebrated its 100th birthday this week.

TT has it on excellent authority that the US Department of Homeland Security is going to upgrade Chiquita from yellow to orange!!!

As America continues on Orange Terror Alert, TT is becoming a tad annoyed by the whole thing. We categorically reject accusations that TT is responsible for the shortage of masking tape in the stores. The sixty cases of masking tape purchased by TT were for personal consumption only. TT routinely shrouds its headquarters in plastic sheeting and seals it with masking tape!!!

We think the Department of Homeland Security is being subject to unfair criticism and ridicule for their helpful "terror attack preparedness" suggestions. TT would not have even thought about ensuring adequate supplies of duct tape if Homeland Security had not highlighted it. We suspect, we are not the only ones.

If TT has any criticism, it is that the friendly folks at Homeland Security have left some key, life-saving items off their terror attack preparedness list. TT has no wish to usurp the job of Homeland Security but would remind TT readers of some of the essentials they should ensure they have on hand. Batteries, water and duct tape are fine - as far as they go. TT readers will need to adjust the quantites according to the size of their households and appetites but TT will share some of the most important items in its survival kit as a humanitarian gesture.

TTs special preparedness supplies include:

*beluga caviar

*Louis Carton cuvee speciale champagne

*toilet paper (personally we think this is more important than duct tape and plastic sheeting)

*Kettle One (plus vermouth and olives)

*iPod (and new Prince CD or any others which you haven't had time to transpose)

*Scrabble game

*Foie gras (canned is acceptable as part of a survival kit)

*Chassagne Montrechet and a decent Pinot Grigio or equivalents

*Spare Icon Shoes (if you dont know what they are you don't deserve to have a spare pair)

*Deodorant (you will thank TT after a few hours enshrouded in plastic sheeting with your nearest and dearest)

*Corkscrew(s)

*Extra Passports (various countries)

*Fake moustaches and other disguise raw materials

*Tiara (women only)

This is a non-exhaustive list but certainly, before TT readers spend a lot of time and money building up their duct tape supplies they should ensure that their survival kits include these things, or reasonable equivalents.


NOTE: TT can be emailed directly at rootvegies@aol.com. This is indended to "empower" TT readers although mail to that address is routinely ignored.

While Turnip Top has been preoccupied with Orange Alert preparedness, geopolitical trends and precedent setting litigation, at least one TT reader has been wallowing in trends in kitchen appliances. Hey, TT cannot select its readership!!

Normally, TT would yawn (kitchen appliances????). But, apon reflection, we see an insidious trend emerging in kitchen appliances which threatens to spillover into other aspects of our lives.

One alert and domestically oriented TT reader has flagged us about the latest "thingie" in refrigerators ......refrigerators with transparent fronts. EEEEEEEK.

Now, we dont know what the inside of your refrigerator looks like but TT does not see this as a desirable development. At a minimum, it means casual visitors to your kitchen would immediately be able to determine whether you are being completely candid about your new "healthy" eating habits(that Ben and Jerry's and full fat mayonnaise will be a sure give away).

What is even more startling is that it would seem that the super trendy on the US West Coast are paying more than $6000USD for the privilege of showcasing their left over Chinese takeout and pizza. We think 20 ipods, 400 dvds or 600 movies would be a better investment. But, it's not about the money!

The very disturbing element is where this trend may heading. The move to greater corporate transparency was obviously only the tip of the you know what. Just look what it has produced. Transparent refrigerators.

TT worries about pedestals for the dustballs under the bed or plexiglass containers for our dirty unmentionables. It gives new meaning to "the domino theory"......the line in the cement must be drawn now and this insidious transparency trend stopped dead in its tracks. The refrigerator is the last bastion of privacy and now it would seem it too is at risk.


NOTE: TT can be emailed directly at rootvegies@aol.com although TT is most unlikely to pay much attention .

Turnip Top is excited!!!

With industrial quantities of duct tape and plastic sheeting to see us through this Orange Alert, TT can relax a bit. Orange Alert preparations have not allowed us the time we would like to keep up with a number of important issues.

A London courtroom is currently the venue in which some issues near and dear to TTs heart are being played out and TT awaits the outcome with anticipation.

Catherine Zorro Jones and Aging Lothario Douglas are suing Hello magazine (think of it as the Economist with big pictures) for invasion of privacy and seeking $3million in damages.

Seems that Hello published pictures of the Jones/Douglas wedding (a very private affair for 300 people at the Plaza Hotel in New York) which were not authorized and were "cheesy". Of course the "cheesy" snaps were distinguishable from the "non-cheesy" snaps only by virtue of the fact that US magazine had paid the Zorro/Douglases $1.3 million and Hello had paid nothing.

TT thinks money is an important litmus test in determining what is private and what is not and certainly is essential in separating "cheesy" from "non-cheesy".

Testifying with the appropriate amount of emotion, Zorro-Jones talked of the trauma and devestation of having a picture published of Lothario feeding her a slice of wedding cake. It was essentially the same snap as that run by US and while some folks don't quite see what the fuss is about, Turnip Top does. If people are going to publish :"cheesy" photos of TT, TT wants the monetary "cheese" and privacy filtre in place to ease the humiliation and grief.

Now TT has done a rough calculation and, based on what we believe to be the number of "cheesy", unauthorized photos of TT we believe to be in circulation, TT is owed $USD35billion. Even if we cull those to only those photos showing TT being fed various delectables by an aging Lothario, TT is owed an estimated $USD34.5 billion.

But its not about the money. Its about drawing a line in the cement so that we celebrities can have our zone of privacy and dignity preserved, no matter how much cake we eat in public. And if publications like Hello or the Economist cannot respect that, then they should pay us so we can buy lots more cake.

Turnip Top headquarters in now in a state of full preparedness for "orange terror alert". We have accummulated vast quantities of plastic sheeting and duct tape, as counseled by the Department of Homeland Security. Now, if we only knew what we were supposed to to with this, we would be all set.

Distracted by these preparations, TT completely missed the geopolitical machinations going on as Dubyya's recognition of the "Axis of Evil" continues to have ramifications, more than a year after he approved its creation.

Fortunately, TT has a vast network of contacts, including deep inside the Intelligence (we use the term very very loosely in this instance) and diplomatic communities.

TT has it on excellent authority that Syria, Libya and China are extremely miffed at being left out of the Axis of Evil. In their view, they are Just As Evil. Although there has been enormous jockeying for admission to the Axis of Evil, our informants tell us that their membership initiatives have been rebuked. An Axis, it would seem, can only have three members.

As we speak, arrangements are being made to create the Axel of Just as Evil sending ripples through the international community as everyone rushes to become part of an axis.

According to Deep Plagerism, Cuba, Sudan and Serbia are expected to finalize arrangements for their Axis of Not So Evil later this week.

As Dubbya is innundated with requests to approve the proliferating axes, the White House has apprently had little choice but to approve the submission by Myanmar, Uganda and Somalia who will now act in concert as the Axis of Not So Much Evil As Disagreeable.

Deep Plagerism, advises us that the White House now has some regrets that it ever anproved the creation of the Axis of Evil, having failed to fully appreciate the longer term implications. Dubby is expected to receive a visit from Canada, Mexico and Australia later today as these countries present their diplomatic papers for the Axis of Nations Who Are Actually Quite Nice But Who Harbour Secret Nasty Thoughts About America.

While some observers believe the whole thing is spinning out of control, TT sources tell us otherwise. It would seem that the White House intends to block the creation of the Axis of Countries Who Have Names Ending in Guay. Dubbya apparently sees the application by Paraguay, Uruguay and Chadguay as "spurious". In what we are told will be a high profile rebuke, the White House will accuse one of the nations of being duplicitous and having a 12 year history of evasion and deceit. TT isn't sure which of the three will be singled out but TT readers will be the first to know.

NOW: TT readers who feel the need to comment and/or "constructively engage" with TT can now send their views to a specially dedicated email: rootvegies@aol.com TT is unlikely to look at these messages with any frequency and even less likely to pay any attention to them but TT likes the idea of having the superficial veneer of community and responsiveness.

With America under an "orange" terror alert, Turnip Top is responding appropriately.....cowering and focusing on important stuff like Clara Harris.

For those who have been under anaesthetic for the past month or so, Clara is the one who is on trial in Texas for murdering her husband by running over him...three times...with her Mercedes.

TT doesn't understand the skepticism that has greeted her claims that it was all an accident. If she wanted to kill her husband, would she not have run over him in a Humvee???

Of course Murder By Mercedes has a cache that Murder by Vokswagon Passat lacks!!!!

Clara's lawyers are arguing that it was all an accident committed in a fit of passion. Now, TT knows that this is not a very credible defence. Clara is a dentist, for heaven sakes. Apart from one's parents, is there a group of people more unlikely to be swept away by passion than dentists???? Everyone knows they procreate in petrie dishes. TTs parents purchased a package of seeds at the local horticultural shop.

Of course, TT understands why her lawyers would want to put forward such a defence. Texas, which prides itself on expediting the execution of more heinous murderers per square inch than anywhere else in the US, has a classification for murder quaintly called "in passion". If you are found guilty of "murder in passion", you essentially get a "walk" vs death by Yellow Roses or BBQ (the most widely form of execution utilized by the State).

However, while a jury can easily see how running over an adulterous husband three times could be an accident, expecting them to believe that a dentist was capable of such passion just seems too much of a stretch. All that for an orthodontist??? We think that pushes the credibility envelope just too far.

No. TT believes Clara and her lawyers ought to be going for justifiable homicide. David, the adulterous spouse, was after all an orthodontist.

TT does not think that The Orthodontists adultery should in and of itself be the basis for a justifiable homicide defence. That would open the floodgates to women everywhere buying Mercedes and running over their partners. No TT thinks that when the Orthodontist provided his Dentist wife with a clinical assessment of her weaknesses (too fat, breasts too small etc) and strengths (pretty eyes) vs. those of his paramour (perfect body, good communicator) he provided more than enough fodder to be mowed down multliple times by a sturdy vehicle. Clara needs to get another lawyer.

Turnip Top offers apologies to TT readers for "glitches" in publishing over the past week.

In a selfless act (TT is often selfless) to respond to one curmudgeonly reader's suggestion, TT tried to upgrade its publishing capability to include spellcheck and "typo-detector". TT does not NEED such things of course but likes to be seen as responsive to its readership. Not that the reader who suggested this in the first place can spell or notice a typo if it fell out of the sky on his head.....

In spite of TT's well-known technological savvy (just what IS a url???), the effort turned into a gargantuan confrontation between good (TT) and evil (technology). Some duplicate postings and two letter entries have been one of the by products of this effort. Also, the strange sounds you may have been hearing over the past week is the sound of turnips being hurled against the wall.

TT thinks that the forces of good have at last triumphed and evil (exhausted from the fight) has been wrestled to the ground. We shall see....For sure, TT will be less receptive to reader suggestions!!!

While most of the benefits of Turnip Top readership are obvious, some are more oblique.

Today, TT is in a position to pass along important information which, if you act upon it now, will assure that your breakfasts are tasty or position you to accummulate vast sums of money from those who cherish British link sausages and bacon. TT is one of those (hey, you cannot eat Brie and croissants all the time!!)

Last Friday, a European Union Directive went into force in Britain which will have huge consequences....

It would seem that even if the EU cannot agree on how do deal with Iraq, it could agree on how to remedy an egregious situation in the world of pigs.

For the non-agriculturally inclined TT readers, pigs apparently are consumed with a natural and perpetual urge to "root". Pigsties thwart these compelling urges meaning pigs have been living in intolerable conditions. Funny, I dont recall Amnesty International documenting this, though.

Now, in order to give free reign to these piggy urges, the EU Directive obliges farmers to furnish their pigsties with "manipulable materials". Hmmmmmmmm.

It would seem that British farmers were also going Hmmmm, arguing over just what constitutes "manipulable materials" so they could comply with the law and bring a new joy into their piggies lives.

In a burst of helpfulness, the British government issued a clarification (TT believes no pigs were on the distribution list), advising farmers that they could use straw rather than soccer balls or toys. Soccer balls or toys????

It is all very well for the government to deem straw a reasonable substitute for soccer balls or toys but TT doesn't think this is going to go over very well with the piggies - especially when they find out that their French and Italian cousins are getting soccer balls and toys. It is only a matter of time, TT thinks, before the farmers cave and give the pigs the soccer balls they want and the implications of all those pudgy porkers with soccer balls should be obvious. TT thinks it won't take more than a year of running around with those soccer balls before those chubby piggies shed masses of weight and then...well, svelte pigs dont make for good link sausage or bacon.

So, TT readers are on notice: stock your freezers and ensure a rosy link sausage filled future or, for those who dont partake, just think of the booming business opportunity once all those porkers become mere shadows of their former selves and link sausage and bacon go the way of the dinosaur!!!

While most of the benefits of Turnip Top readership are obvious, some are less tangible.

TT is in a position to pass along information which, if you act upon it now, will assure your breakfasts are tasty and may position you to make vast sums of money from those who love British sausage links or bacon. TT is one of those (hey, you cannot eat Brie and foie gras all the time!!)

This week, a European Union Directive went into force in Britain which will have HUGE consequences....the end of sausage links, bacon and ham (in Britain) as we know it.

It would seem that even if the EU cannot agree on what to do about Iraq it could agree on how to correct an egregious situation in the world of pigs.

Pigs, for the non-agricultural readers, apparently have a natural instinct to "root". Obviously, pigsties thwart that natural but compelling urge. In other words, European pigs have been living an intolerable existence for years...indeed decades.Where was Amnesty International for all these miserable years????

Now, however, in order to satisfy these piggy urges, the EU Directive obliges farmers to furnish pigsties with "manipulable materials"....Hmmmm.

Well, British farmers were also going, hmmmmmmmmm, trying to figure out what "manipulable materials" might satisfy the new law and make their piggies happy.

In a burst of helpfulness the British government issued a clarification (TT believes no pigs were on the distribution list), advising farmers that they could use straw rather than soccer balls or toys. Soccer balls or toys?????

It is all very well for the British government to take it upon itself to deem straw a reasonable substitute for soccer balls or toys BUT TT doesn't think this is going to sit well with the pigs !!!

TT thinks those British pigs will hold out for soccer balls (specially when they find out the French pigs are getting them and toys as well) and the implications of all those pigs with soccer balls should be obvious. TT thinks that it won't take a year of running around before those chubby porkers shed masses of weight and then......well, so much for the sausage links and bacon we love.

So, TT readers are on notice: stock your freezers and for those who are not enamored with link sausage and bacon, just think of the booming business you will be able to launch once all those porkers become mere shadows of their former selves and sausage links and bacon sit next to the dinosaurs in the Museum of National History!!!!

Turnip Top is delighted with the trend towards the greater diversity emerging in the American political landscape. It is long overdue, we think.

We note that Denise Brown is contemplating a run for a Senate seat. For TT readers who are not readers of the National Enquirer (how can that BE?), Denise Brown's principle claim to fame is that her sister was murdered by a famous football player (oooops, MAY have been murdered by a famous football player). TT thinks having a murdered relative is certainly an excellent foundation for launching a political career. TT has often thought about murdering HER sister and wonders if that counts!

Even better, TT notes that Jerry Springer is ALSO planning a possible run for the Senate. Jerry Springer is, as well read TT readers will know, the man who has single handedly given every American who has ever had a lobotomy (and apparently there are quite a few) their 15 minutes of fame. In fact, some have been given significantly more than their 15 minutes......

TT applauds the move to greater diversity in American political life but thinks it shouldn't stop here. What about Pee Wee Herman and R Kelly to run on a youth platform? Or, how about Scott Peterson (Laci's slimey husband....more about HIM another time) to run on an environmental platform (he apparently loves to fish so much he fishes even on Christmas Eve)? Or, better yet, what about a Clara Harris for Senate? Anyone who can run over their husband three times (in a Mercedes of course) and claim it was an accident should be considered a prime candidate for public office. Someone has to take over from Gary Condit, Mr Bouffant Trafficante and Bobbi Tortellini.