Turnip Top notes that amid the sobering news coverage of The War, there are welcome flashes of the amusing and even downright funny!!!

For example, just before Dubbya's most recent address to America, the six of us who happened to be watching BBC were treated to 1 minute and 37 seconds of Dubbya's last minute "primping". BBC later apologized but no apologies were necessary for TT. We got a lot of enjoyment out of watching Dubbya getting his face powdered and we thought the way his blush was applied very helpful. We liked the last minute tweaking of the stubborn "tuft" of hair but best of all we were thrilled to see a stray eyebrow hair plucked before our eyes!!! Somehow, it made him seem more "accessible"just knowing that he too has to worry about unruly eyebrow hair.

TT has, of course, watched this new journalistic phenomena unfold - war reports from "embedded" journalists(travelling and attached to a specific military unit). We have been particularly amused to see that for days much of the Arab press (eg. Al Jezeerah) was translating this as "journalists who are in bed with the military". Hmmm. Translation error or have they figured out something the rest of us have been slow to pick up on.

For maximum amusement, TT can always count on VIctoria Clark's wardrobe. The Pentagon spokeswoman's most recent briefing apparently left a number of journalists hospitalized due to the blinding vision of her latest fashion statement. Words, for once, fail TT. It's just one of those things you have to experience for yourself. Think Pepto-Bismol Pink which has been neonized!! There she was, sleeveless "flack jacket" syle hot-pink Pepto Bismol jacket, over black sweater with flamingo pink horizontal stripes across the body. Words cannot do justice. Now, TT acknowledges that there really isn't a Geneva Convention of Fashion for war briefings. And, goodness knows we would not expect to see her shrouded in black for the duration of the war. But, we hadn't realized that "shock and awe" meant Virginia's outfits.

TT thinks that the military might want to consider using Virginia as a secret weapon and shipping her to the Iraqis, except that is probably a violation of some aspect of the Geneva Convention. Pity. We can imagine this provoking the mass surrender that the Pentagon has been waiting for.

Keeping up with developments in the "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" courtcase has not been easy for Turnip Top. A certain amount of persistence has been required to cut through all the war news as the battle of the "cough" experts unfolds in a London courtroom.

For Turnip Top readers who are less persistent, we remind you of the essentials of the case.

One Mr Ingram, a Who Wants to Be a Millionaire contestant, is accused of having won the million pound prize through fraudulent means, with the help of his wife and a fellow contestent, a certain university professor. Actually, Mr Ingram never quite got to collect his winnings and head off to some glitzy retreat because producers, suspicious of the "cough patterns", put stop payment on the check and Mr Ingram landed up in a court room instead.

The essense of the case seems to hang on 16 strategically placed coughs and whether the jury believes Mr Ingram and his Cohort in Crime (alleged), who claim they were coincidence and related to allergies (which mysteriously cleared up when the coughee , who was also a contestent, got his turn at the shooting for the Big Money).

Never have coughing spells played such a pivotal role in jurisprudence.

Audio tapes show that each time Mr Ingram suggested an answer (the player can talk out their possible answers before giving their "final answer"), his cohort in crime (ooops, we mean his alleged cohort in crime) would give a cough if it was the right answer, no cough for the wrong answer. Mr Ingram endlessly ruminated on the range of answers, so a lot of coughing going on.

The coughing reached a crezendo with the final million pound question, "A number one, followed by100 zeros is known by what name? A googol? A megatron? A gigabit? or a nanomol?" TT would certainly have needed some coughing on this one.

Mr Ingram goes through much musing aloud but every time he mentions the word googol, there is coughing heard on the audio tapes. Indeed, TT is only surprised that a physician was not called to assist the coughee who was clearly in some distress. Mr Ingram won the million pounds. His (alleged) co-conspirator then got a shot (he had been on the "fastest finger" segment of the programme with Mr Ingram) at winning. Mysteriously, Mr Co Conspirator's cough had completely cleared up (he said he drank some water) but it would seem that Mr Ingram couldn't summon enough enough coughs at the right answers for his buddy because Mr Co Conspirator flubbed early in the game and disappeared into the nether recesses of Millionaire History.

A series of "cough experts" have now completed their testimony and the case goes to the jury next week. TT is thankful for these small nuggets of diversion. Helps us wean ourselves from obsessive non-stop war watching.

For a dedicated news junkie like Turnip Top, war is either heaven or hell.

Left unchecked, the news obsessive can wallow 24 hours a day in every twist and turn. Each development can be seen from 36,000 different media sources. TT has sought professional counselling to help deal with the addiction and is pleased to report that now TT only spends 23 hours a day obsessing over war news (given the global nature of the conflict, this means there are quazillions of news sources to be consulted so cutting back has not been easy).

Of course, TT is not uni-dimensional and is also a well regarded fashion maven (TT is credited with having popularized the "sumo" look in hairdos which is so popular with the fashion savvy - in private and away from the cameras).

In a hurculean effort, TT ripped herself away from second by second war reports to check out the fashion scene at the Academy Awards.

It didn't take long for TT to draw some conclusions.

Firstly, it would appear that none of the stars turned up. Rather, the Raelians cloned a few of them. Either that or they all have the same hairdresser. After a while, TT's eyes glazed over at the sight of yet another head with slicked back hair in a bun. Julianne Moore, J. Low, Catherine Zorro Jones, Hilary Swank, Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts, Marcia Gay Harden, Meryl Streep....need we say more? All had identical hairdos, a sure sign that the Raelians had been at work.

Consistent with TT's clone theory, if you are not yet convinced, think about the earrings! Although everyone talked about a "toned down" Academy Awards, no collection of such HUGE earrings have ever been assembled under one roof. Really hard to tell whose were bigger or longer (we think J. Low won hands down). Clones. No doubt about it.

TT eventually bored with the spectacle, once we determined that only one star had really shown up. We switched to war news and found the REAL fashion story - Pentagon spokeswoman, Victoria Clark.

Where DOES that woman find her clothes? Now, TT would be the first to admit that some of her fashion choices have been less than optimal but we definitely recognize peculiar, garish and off the wall when we see it. It is worth tuning in to the Pentagon briefings just to see what Victoria is wearing.

She sported a neon-flamingo-hot pink something or other to a briefing regarding the American POW's. No understated moment for this woman.

Our absolute favourite was the jacket that was half pink (left side) and half grey (right side). We kid you not. TT actually thought her television had blown a fuse.

Not our fault that we got sucked back into war news because as it turns out, that's where the hot fashion story is really buried (we also marvelled at the crisp clean pressed shirts worn by the Kurds who are living in a cave - we want the name of their laundry detergent).

Turnip Top is seeking a new venue for its first annual Turnip Top Readers' Romp (TTRR).

As noted recently (see TT, March 17,2003), we have abandoned our plans to rent Liechtenstein. We have also eliminated anywhere in the US. In deference to our colour blind readers, TT management feels it is just too confusing for them to try and navigate the nuances of colour coded terror alerts. Dark Orange is so easily confused with Regular Orange and we wonder if they would perhaps miss changes from Dark Orange to Red. It just seems more sensible to seach for a venue outside America.

One place we have definitely eliminated is Quebec. TT is mildly put off by the fact that the Raelians have made it their home (remember them? they are the ones who think we are all clones of aliens and claim to have produced a baby Dutch Lesbian clone).

This is really adequate reason to scratch Quebec from the potential TTRR list, but now we have another.

Election campaigns are notorious for promises made. And post elections notorious for promises broken, but TT cannot take the chance that those promises will be broken. Every once in a while, a political leader actually does deliver on an election promise.

We note that the incumbent Premier, campaigning for his political life, has proposed that people with children under the age of 12 be given a four day work week. HUH??? Now, does this mean that anyone who has four children under the age of 12 doesn't have to go to work at all?????

Mr. Family Values has also promised that any student who has a child within five years of graduating from university will have 50% of their student loan "forgiven". If both the mother and father have a student loan, do each get 50 percent forgiven?? If they have two children within five years, do they get the entire loan forgiven???

TT is now convinced that the Premier of Quebec must be a Raelian. How else can one explain such extra-terrestrial ideas. Much more sensible would be a proposal to reward those who do NOT have screeching children under the age of 12. Forgive the loans of those who stay baby free for five years after graduation. Give those without children under the age of 12 a four day (hey, lets make it three days) work week.

No. The search for a venue for the first annual TTRR clearly must continue........


NOTE: TT generally ignores any and all commentary or viewpoints other than TT's but for those who insist, TT (or one of the clones) can be contacted directly at rootveggies@aol.com

Like most root vegetables, Turnip Top is following the final scenes play out in the "Wag the Dog" war (altlhough personally, we much prefer Dustin Hoffman to Karl Rove!).

With America and Britain leading the charge, stalwart allies like Eritrea, Iceland, Australia,El Salvador, Nicaragua, Spain and Bulgaria are in the final stages before the assault.(Rumour has it that apart from the British, America has begged the others NOT to send troops). TT wishes we could recall how the film ended!

Impotent to influence events one way or the other, TT occupied herself sorting out the new terror warning (Orange). But this Orange seems to be different from the Orange of a few weeks ago.Significantly more security. Does this mean it is Dark Orange??? We think we need more colours. Maybe this should be magenta.

We are told it is likely that there will be small scale terror attacks on US soil (and presumably ally soil, although we are unclear as to what Eritrian targets one might possibly be able to identify) once an attack on Iraq is launched. But, TT thinks terrorists march to their own tune and are masters of opportunity. Maybe a few lone stuped wolves will try and mount something in the short term but we cannot imagine why one would contemplate launching some nefarious scheme when America is on the highest possible alert and a quarter of a million troops are poised for a punishing attack.

TT is much more concerned about the period after the bombs stop and the images of carnage, devastation and suffering have been beamed over and over and over throughout the world. And Poobah Tommy Franks and American soldiers are seen roaming the streets of Baghdad and elsewhere, recycled endlessly on CNN.

TT is concerned about the period after the "action" and America starts to lose interest and patience (and the bills have to be paid) in the nation building Dubbya once derided. America suffers from collective attention deficit disorder. Once the 24 hour a day coverage of what is likely to be an awesome military assault ends, and maybe even before, America will be ready to move on - back to faux "reality" tv.


We worry about that period when the Magenta alert goes back to Orange or Green, the Spin Doctors are tripping all over themselves declaring victory and success.

We worry about the freedom of speech and dissent which appears to have perished, along with more than 3000 people on Sept 11/01. The land of the free and home of the brave appears to believe in freedom of expression as long as you agree with the "party" line. Countries who disagree get trashed and have their products boycotted. Outspoken commentators lose their television programmes. Even Dixie Chicks get their records banned at radio stations. Disagree and you are the object of derision, venom and even economic retribution. One wonders if this is the liberation that will be brought to the "new" Iraq?

No. TT is not particularly worried about attacks while the war (probably more like a turkey shoot) is on. Its the peace that worries us.

Regular Turnip Top Readers (is there any other kind???) will recall that TT has been considering renting Leichtenstein for its first annual Turnip Top Readers' Romp (TTRR). The tiny country, readers will recall, is now available for rent....all of it.

TT now thinks it may have to reconsider Leichtenstein as a venue, appealing as it may be to think of all those TT logos plastered throughout the tiny country (not to mention the TT keychains, mugs and umbrellas!!).

We now find, that as Tony, Dubbya and Jose Maria (the Bulgarians, who havent been on the winning side of a war in more than 100 years, were apparently considered too much of an embarrassment to invite) were playing canasta in the Azores, Leichtenstein has been in the throws of much ugliness.

Prince Hans Adam II, the quazillionaire monarch is apparently not satisfied with his already considerable powers (all parliamentary or government decisions require his approval, the granting of which is not just a formality). He now wants to be able to override the Constitution and give himself the right to choose the government and/or dismiss it at will. Now TT certainly admires the sheer efficiency of the plan. Democracy is time consuming and means letting dumb people have a say equal to those of the non-dumb. No, TT has no problem with this naked power grab. We like the idea that it is being done without chemical or biological weapons.

What does bother TT, is the shenanigans of those that oppose the Prince's power-grab. They actually want to have a referendum (which means letting all those unwashed Leichtensteinese table their opinions...YUK) which would actually seek to LIMIT the Prince's existing powers, not expand them. Things have gotten ugly in the little fairy book kingdom, though. The Quizzilionaire Prince is now threatening to abandon his subjects and go live in his uber-Palace in VIenna. The leader of the referendum forces to limit the Prince's powers woke up one morning to find a pig's snout (nothing so crass as a horse's head) nailed to his door (presumably a literary reference to the German expression, "keep your snout shut").

TT would not want its readers subjected to such nastiness (pig snouts tacked to the doors has a way of dampening the festive spirits) on the first annual TTRR so we are currently reviewing alternative venues. The Azores currently head the list. If good enough for the coalition of the Willing, Cajoled, Co-opted,Bought and Left Ourselves With No Alternatives, it is surely good enough for TT readers.

Turnip Top was very surprised to see that a Northwest Airlines flight attendant has been suspended for slipping a sleeping potion into the apple juice of a screeching infant on a transatlantic flight.

Now, TT thinks there should be separate planes for babies and small children but to date no airline appears to have adopted such an enlightened policy. They all still are totally satisfied with their policy of extracting scandalous airfares for the privilege of being surrounded by mewling, screeching, seat kicking infants and children.

Instead of suspending him, TT would have promoted him to pilot (the flight attendant, not the infant).

Looks to Turnip Top like Angola, Cameroon and Guinea are on the cusp of getting their 15 minutes of fame expanded to a half hour.

As America, Britain and France (and a few "reality tv" crews) relentlessly pursue these countries (whose capital cities almost no one can name, let alone find on a map) for their vote in the UN Security Council, TT hoped to find some mindless television entertainment as diversion. As it turns out the options are even more mindless than we had hoped for.

America has gone mad for "reality" tv (tv cameras following the famous, the wanna be famous, the infamous and the never ever to be famous - 24hours a day). Just when we thought we might be able to escape Anna Nicole Smith, the Osbournes,Tricia whatever her name is or fading celebreties swallow live worms... someone dreams up yet another person or gaggle of persons with whom the world can play "peeping Tom".

One would have thought America was getting quite enough reality these days!!!

Turnip Top sees no option but to produce our own "reality tv". Cameras will follow TT 24 hours a day, allowing viewers tempting glimpses into TTs private world. Defrosting a fridge (don't blink, it is expected to be a very very short segment!!). Cooking (TT buys cookbooks and salivates over the pictures - but doesn't actually cook).Shopping (TT would rather join the coalition of the Willing, Cajoled, Coerced or Bought Outright). Working out (TT buys gymwear and joins gyms but that takes so much time it leaves no time for working out).

TT thinks eventually the "reality tv" craze will wear itself out and we can go back to mindless but entertaining tv..A few episodes of "Turnip Top: Growing Roots" should strike a spear through the heart of this obnoxious and hugely boring phenomena. Lights. Cameras. Action.

Unless of course, we are going to be subjected to Angola, Cameroon and Guinea sharing an island .......an island where Madonna will write children's books, J. Low will cure cancer and Britany Spears will bare her navel and everyone exceeds their 15 minutes of fame and makes pots and pots of money!


NOTE: While TT actively discourages two-way communications or comment, those TT readers who lack the self discipline to keep their thoughts to themselves can communicate directly with TT at rootveggies@aol.com.

As America alternatively buys or beats up "minnow" nations (all nations except America) to neutralize opposition to its invasion of Iraq, the French pursue more important things.

An elite group, including the Chocolate Crunchers Association (does that include those of us who munch chocolate?) and chefs par excellence Alain Ducasse and Paul Bocuse, met with the Pope recently.

One might be forgiven for assuming this was some sort of peace mission and, in some ways, Turnip Top thinks it is.

The high powered delegation, which represents thousands of elite French people, met with the Pope to seek a revision of the Seven Deadly Sins. Now, TT thinks there should be NO Deadly Sins but this is a good start. This auspicious group seeks the elimination of "gluttony" from the list of Deadly Sins (a downgrade to "minnow" sin).

With a quarter of a million US troops gathered in Kuwait and an awesome array of military hardware poised to pounce, TT is pleased to see that the French are not sitting idle. When the Iraqui's are liberated, George W tells us they will awaken to a better world and TT agrees but we think the French should get the credit they deserve for making that a world where gluttony is no longer a Deadly Sin.

George W has now made it clear that there will be war, whether or not there is a second UN resolution, whatever a second resolution might say or not say and whether or not it is passed or rejected. Since America is impervious to any alternatives to war and has left itself no exit strategy, TT thinks that paying attention to post-war initiatives makes a lot of sense. And what better way than to work towards a world where there are only Six Deadly Sins? Yes, I will have another slice of that rather yummy looking chocolate cake.

Gastronomy has often provided a safe and stable haven amid the crazyness, but Turnip Top thinks those days may have come to an end!!

We have chefs in France apparently killing themselves because they have been downgraded and lost (gasp!) a coveted "star". America is tripping all over itself trying to boycott things French (more brie and champagne for TT) and Germany (TT will trade you all the sauerkraut in Munich for a good baguette).

Web sites like francestinks.com and germanystinks.com provide a helpful list for those who wish to punish the French for having the Gaul to disagree with America. TT has not noted any emerging boycott of caviar or chinese food but we suppose that too will come.

McDonald's, that bastion of cholesterol, clearly feels the pressure from those chubby cherubs who blame McD's for their girth and are pursuing justice through the courts. McD's have announced that in some markets, bags of sliced apples and grapes can be substituted for fries. Huh??? Somehow, a side order of apple slices with that double cheese just doesn't cut it for TT. If we want apples we will go to an orchard.

As if all that were not enough turmoil, we have a Kosher Krisis in New York (yes, the whole state). The situation is so severe that the governor has rushed to propose The Emergency Kosher Law Protection Act of 2003. TT is advised that in keeping with dietary laws, there will be TWO sets of legislation, the governor's and the Attorney General's.

This KK ( Kosher Krisis) was percipitated by a United States Supreme Court decison last week, tossing out the kosher laws. Now TT wonders what the state of New York was doing regulating kosher foods in the first place. but this is big news. It was the lead story on the Kosher Today web site (TTs reading materials tend to be very eclectic) and Legal Affairs magazine featured it prominently in the article, "Busting Chops".

Seems that the state law that was struck down by the courts, came out of the great "faux-kosher fowl" scandal of 1915. The law stipulated that kosher food must meet "Orthodox Hebrew religious requirements." And therein lies the rub!!

A steamy tale of intrigue lies beneath this seemingly straighforward story. Seems the state kosher advisory board is dominated by orthodox rabbis and the transcripts of their secret meetings provide fascinating non-kosher reading. Two brothers, who prepare their deli meat under the supervision of a Conservative rabbi, were targeted by the inspectors as not being in compliance with "Orthodox Hebrew religious requirements". The veal chops were deemed to have insufficient salt (the inspector determined this by licking the chops which we presume were not then sold).

Furious at the continued harrassment, the brothers sued on the basis that the law violated separation of church (or synagogue) and state. And the rest, as they say is history.

Until new emergency legislation is enacted by Rebbe Pataki, better watch out for "faux-kosher" haggis!!!

Imagine Turnip Top's surprise at learning that HRH Queen Elizabeth (yes, William and Harry's rich granny) filed suit in Manhattan Federal Court last week.

HRH, sidelined by domestic attention on the apparently inexplicable love affair between Tony and George W., is suing the board of a glitzy Park Avenue co-op. Seems that the dispute is over co-op fees being levied any time there is a change in tenants in the super posh pads owned by the Crown. Yes, that is pads plural. Three of them to be precise.

Now, TT thought all those castles really ought to be sufficient and three Park Avenue apartments struck us as rather over the top. How often does the Queen go to New York anyway???

TT's crack investigative team took a closer look and now finds that it is not Her Royal Nibs who has filed suit but in fact the less than sovereign nation of Canada!!!

Yes, it seems that Canada cannot even file suit on its own, reaffirming its hard won status as 'baby-nation'. TT thinks that if ever there was a reason to cut the umbilical cord this must be it. One cannot have one's offspring running around suing people over less than Canadian $100,000($6 USD). It is embarassing. Liz should just cut Canada loose. What is this spend thrift nation doing spending the equivalent of the entire Canadian military budget on Park Avenue co-ops anyway?

TT thinks Liz should renounce the "baby nation", put them on a budget or, and we think this may be the best solution,allow Canadian citizens residing in New York to have full access to the opulent digs!