MONSTERS SAY OBAMA CAMPAIGN RESIGNATION INADEQUATE FOR CLINTON SLUR

Monsters from across America have reacted with fury to the remarks of an Obama campaign official who referred to Hillary as a monster.

Although the campaign advisor has resigned and aplogized, monsters say this is inadequate. 'We are tired of this slash and burn stuff'' said a leading monster, ' and fed up with the stereotyping'.

There has been no further comment from the Obama camp except to say that no offence to monsters was intended and the candidate still intends to honour a speaking engagement at the Monster's Ball in Wyoming tonight.

CLINTON ATTACK MACHINE ROLLS OVER OHIO.....AND TT

Ohio was not alone in being squashed by the Clinton attack machine.....TT's shoulder has been shattered into five pieces by the Clinton monster . Humpty Dumpty' s surgeons are on the case but we recommend lowering your expectations..... for at least a month.....;/

ICH BIN EIN BERLINER

Just how desperate is Billary?? Very, but not as desperate as we are to see the back of Billlary.

The big guns, accusations of plagerism, are now trained on Obama. Plagerism? In Obama's book? His kindergarten thesis? These are the big guns? More like desperate guns.

In the Texas showdown debate, Billary really socked it to Obama. ' Ask not what your country can deliver to you', she said, 'ask what you can deliver to the voters'.

Accusing Obama of being an empty suit, Billary said - 'All the king's horses and all the kings men, couldn't put your health care plan together - again'. 'Barak, just where is the beef?'

Turning to the cameras after hurling her pointed spears (and borrowing liberally from the words of John Edwards), Billary snarled -' Ich bin ein Berliner'. So there.

CANCEL THOSE FLIGHTS AND HEAD FOR THE BUNKERS!!!

Hello? It's about this 5000 pound spy satellite (yeah, the one that costs squillions but never worked) that's hurtling its way towards us loaded with toxic (and explosive rocket fuel). All this just to listen to TT's telephone calls??

Fortunately, the Pentagon has an even more expensive missile system that is apparently going to shoot it out of the sky into squillions of little pieces. So instead of one giant splat in one unlucky location, there are to be thousands of little splats in thousands of unlucky locations. Sounds good to us. And, encouragingly, there is an 80 to 90 percent chance of the missile hitting its target according to the Pentagon. Now wait a minute. Is this not the missile system that is supposed to intercept nuclear weapons? Shouldn't it have a slightly higher rate of accuracy??

We assume Lockheed Martin, who designed and built this 'bus', will be paying for this little operation and giving a full refund on the rogue satellite. Of course, it is important to do this to prevent those noxious gases from harming people if it does hit some part of the world that isn't ocean (only a 25 percent chance since 3/4 is water). But surely those people will have already been crushed to death? And what of the squillions of pieces if it is hit??

All we know is that for the next few weeks we are definitely not flying and will be ordering in from the depths of our nuclear bunker!!!

THE CHUCKABEE BUNNY JUST KEEPS GOING....AND GOING....

TT has assembled an array of healthy snacks (carrot sticks and celery dipped in molten chocolate are vitamin and flavanoid rich sustenance) to get us through to the results of the 'Potomac Primary'.

While we wait to see if someone can get those pesky older white women to stay home if they cannot vote sensibly, we are distracted by a very annoying drum beat - it's the Chuckabunny!!

Marching over the carcases of Rudy Tuesday (9/11), Dead Fred (oh, was it Fred Head?), and Mitt (I could have personally purchased every foreclosed home mortgage for what I spent on trying to get the nomination) Romney - not to mention the bullet-ridden (but still standing) body of John (Right Wing Whackos Really Dont Like Me) McCain - the indefatiguable Chuckabunny appears to be running on Duracell batteries.

A request - could someone please take away his battery recharger????

CHINA MAY RECALL GIULIANI

Chinese officials have indicated they will wait until the Florida primary results are known before making a final decision about whether to recall Rudy Giuliani .

Highly placed officials told TT that Giuliani's strategy for capturing the GOP nomination and the Presidency (ie. wait for the race to finish before jumping in) lead them to suspect that there were unacceptably high levels of lead in his brain.

TT caught up with Mr 9/11 as he mowed Floridian lawns in a last push to win votes. Promising he would mow Floridian lawns 'forever' if they voted for him, Mr 9/11 dismissed the Chinese reports.

'I see nothing flawed or defective in my campaign strategy', said Guiliani. By waiting till the race is over, I am ensuring that the others are exhausted and too tired to fight the terrorists..er, Democrats', said Mr G.

Chinese officials will await Floridians judgement before making a determination.

WINEHOUSE OFFERS CLINTON INTERVENTION

Troubled singer has offered to stage in 'intervention' for Bill Clinton.

'It is really sad', said Winehouse. 'He is unravelling and seriously needs help.'

As Slick Willy continues his frenzied campaign to be The Holograph President, Winehouse emerged from a crack cocaine haze to offer her support.

'Seeing his face get so red and those bulging veins broke my heart', said Winehouse. 'This can only end in tragedy if he doesn't get the help he needs'.

Winehouse was joined by Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears in offering a helping hand.

FROM NEVADA TO BEYOND

EEEK. Can no one put a stop to Rambabe??

Is there no strategy to get those older white ladies to get a grip?? Can they really want Rambabe and her increasingly nasty red-faced consort to inhabit the White House again??? And, speaking of The Bill in Hillbilly, what is a former President doing in a pissing match on tv with a reporter over arcane party rules over voting in Nevada?

If Hill cannot control Bill now (not that she wants to - or ever could), then how is she or anyone going to keep him on a leash back in the White House?

Time for Arnold S /the Terminater to step in and stop the Rambabe dead in her triangulated tracks!! Please!!

CANDIDATE "CHUCKABEE" ATTACKED BY GAY BENGAL TIGER

Reports are rife that Presidential Candidate 'Chuckabee' has been attacked by a gay Bengal Tiger at the San Francisco zoo.

'Chuckabee' was delivering his fire and brimstone stump speach railing against the 'homosexual lifestyle' and equating homosexuality with beastiality when the enraged gay tiger jumped the walls and attacked.

Police were called and 'Chuckabee' successfully subdued with tranquilizer darts.

'Chuckabee' is expected to recover in time to lecture the three gays living in South Carolina.

HILLARY TO LAUNCH MULTI-STATE 'CRYING TOUR'

There is a lot of speculation as to what drove all those single older white women out to vote for the Hillary in New Hampshire - giving her and the Sour Grapes strategy a boost.

No need to speculate further. The Hill part of HillBilly herself (on FOX no less!) cited her tear-filled human moment was the deciding factor in her victory because it 'proved my sincerity.

TT has it on good authority from a source deep within the HillBilly campaign that HillBill will launch a multi-state 'crying tour' (patterned after the 'listening tour' she took when she launched her first bid for the Senate.

Our source tells us she plans to cry her way, 'non-stop', across 48 states.

When asked if hubby Bill will accompany her, our source said: "Absolutely. No one can make Hillary cry like Bill.'

HILLBILLY SOUR GRAPES STRATEGY PAYS OFF IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Well the older single white women came through for Hillbilly in New Hampshire - vindicating their new Sour Grapes strategy.

First we had the images of Hill going all 'human' as she teared up in response to a question about the rigours of campaigning (didn't everyone know how difficult it is for a 60 year old woman to stay blonde?). One could be forgiven if one mistook the sour grapes over those dopey Iowa voters who failed to see the importance of maintaining the Clintonian dynasty for a show of 'humanity'.

Will Hill beat up on Obama, Bill, the other half (he sees himself more as the 3/4 of HillBilly), went on a total rant - against the press (giving Obama a free ride), against Obama ('fairy tale) and finally the most extraordinary rant of all....' I can't make Hillary younger, or taller, or male'). Notice the 'I'?? Even if you buy into the Iowa loss as having something to do with Hillary's age,height or gender, note Bill didn't say that SHE cannot make herself younger or taller.

A spokesman for the Hillbilly campaign denied reports that Bill also deflated the tires on the Obama campaign bus.

The Hillbilly machine is alive and well..............

GOMER PYLE FOR DEFENCE SECRETARY?

Turnip Top has not had time to analyse the results of the Iowa Caucus Circus but looks like those Iowa Republicans have plonked their money down on Mike Chuckabee (a/k/a Huckabee in more polite circles) as their choice to lead the Republicans to defeat in the November Presidential elections.

One can only speculate as to what they were thinking in those kitchens throughout Iowa (the state with more pigs than people) but do they imagine Chuck Norris in charge of Homeland Security? Gomer Pyle as Defence Secretary? Barney Fyfe as Secretary of Education?

IF there is a scenario that might make us wish to have Dubbya and Darth Cheney back, this just might be it.................

END OF 2007 BRINGS SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENTS

As 2007 draws to a close and 2008 emerges from the ashes, there have been a number of surprise announcements of note.

If you have been too busy chilling champagne - here are the highlights.

1. Monica Lewinsky announced her intention to run for President of the United States as 'the proven alternative to Hillary';

2. Fox News will substantially shorten its news broadcasts by ensuring that all facts have been completely removed;

3. Whatchamacallit Huckabee announced his running mate, if he gets the Republican nomination, will be either Chuck Norris or Jesus Christ;

4. A leading condom manufacturer announced the Spears girls have been signed to a major contract;

and finally,

5. Dubbya finally announced an Iraq exit strategy - all US troops will be immediately withdrawn through Iran.


Looks like 2008 should be a doozie!!!

REBELS WITHOUT A CLAUSE ....

Turnip Top is a firm believer in observing all holidays (or religious festivals) that involve feasting and parties (we are equally steadfast in avoiding any 'holidays' which involve fasting or other forms of deprivation). We do not discriminate with respect to religious (or pagan) origins.

Obviously, Christmas is one of those festive (ie food, drink, parties and presents) that holds a special place in out hearts (second only to Halloween).

We were particularly concerned to learn that the premier Australian Santa Claus Recruiting and Training Agency is forbidding its Santas from using, 'ho'. 'ho'. 'ho' and instead must use, 'ha', 'ha' 'ha'.

Once we got over the shock of learning that there is more than one Santa and that training is apparently required (we thought it a genetic predisposition), TT decided to investigate.

It would seem the ASCRTA (Australian Santa Claus Recruiting and Training Agency) think 'ho', 'ho', 'ho' could be frightening to children and may be derogatory towards women. Huh? The only thing frightening about Christmas to children is the possibility they won't get great gifts or that there will be insufficient sweeties. And, ok, 'ho' is American slang for prostitute but surely this outbreak of political correctness could be confined to America - homeland of political correctness?

Thankfully, those Santas turn out to be a rebelious bunch of political activists - two have already quit in protest and others, in a display of peaceful resistance, are simply ignoring the ban.

The largest retail chain in Australia has sought and received assurance that Santas being deployed to their stores will not be silenced and customers are being reassured that 'ho'. 'ho'. 'ho' will deck their halls.

While we reflect upon the geopolitical implications - would someone please pass the shortbread cookies??

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.........

We are ready....................

CHENEY UNHURT IN WHITE HOUSE FIRE

Firefighters were successful in dousing a White House fire which apparently started near the Vice Presidential offices.

A spokeman for the White House confirmed that the Vice President was unharmed in the incident but denied the fire was started when the Vice President was burning tapes of CIA interrogations.

The spokesman admitted that a copy of the Constitution may have been destroyed but two computer discs containing the 'highly personal details' of 25 million Britons had been retrieved.

The White House promised a 'full investigation' - the tapes of which will not be destroyed....unless necessary.

HE's BACK................

As the 'Hillbilly' campaign tries to overcome slipping poll numbers in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina (the primaries loom), the Bill part of the Hillbilly campaign has gone into overdrive.

Wiley Willy is well on his way to having personally wooed every citizen of Iowa/New Hampshire/South Carolina of voting age - starting with the women, of course. He, of course, has no personal interest in Hillary winning. Shucks, he is just an ex-President that doesn't want America to make a mistake by voting for a guy who tried cocaine (thats C-O-C-A-I-N-E) and admits he inhalled because ' that's the whole point'!!

Wiley Will now even claims he was against the war (Iraq, not Vietnam) from the beginning (huh? oh, really?).

So cranked up is WW that people have started to question whether he might not be just a tad biased, given that Hillary is his wife. And, WW's fur began to fly.

WW is making it abundantly clear that being married to Hillary has never influenced his behaviour in any way!! Gosh, we kind of figured that one out for ourselves.

No question, as WW bunks (literally) in Iowa, he is giving it his all - some guys just give their wives flowers or maybe a fancy vacation to make up for their 'meanderings'. Not WW. When the entire world has been privy to your dalliances - you gotta give the wife the Presidency of the United States. The world's most costly blow job.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT...WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT

When will it stop?

We were ok when 'The Police' were yanked from the past to re-live their glory days. And, if they could figure out how to bring back Freddy Mercury, reviving Queen would also be ok with us. But the Spice People?

Can mediocrity not be allowed to wither away with respect??

We are not surprised the Spices want a re-run but who but them could possibly be interested? We are told that thousands attended their opening concert but that was in Vancouver --- that's Canada where mediocrity is a national sport and going to a Spice-A-Thon at least gets one inside and away from the Canadian winter blasts.

So, if you want to know what we really really want...........it would be to never hear or see Posh/Squash/Sasquatch Spice and entourage ever again.......

IRANIAN RECIPIES TO BE EXPUNGED FROM WHITEHOUSE COOKBOOK

Word has it that the White House is in quite a frenzy.

Dozens of staffers are expunging Iranian recipies from the Axis of Evil Cookbook. It would seem, according to the recent National Intelligence Estimate, that Iran stopped its nuclear weapon development programme in 2003. Clearly, they have been included in the Cookbook under false pretenses so their recipies must be expunged.

But wait a minute. 2003? Wasn't Dubbya talking about World War III in connection with the Iranians just over a month ago? Does this mean we can come out of the bunker for a few years ? Couldn't a lot of money have been saved (on spooks) by just listening to Russian President Putin or, (gasp) the Iranians themselves??

So how come this blinding insight just surfaced now after years of sabre-rattling?? Why is it these blinding new facts are three years out of date? Hmm. Maybe if Dubbya had waited just a bit longer he might have learned there were no WMDs in Iraq!!!

Spin doctors somehow are managing to keep a straight fact while touting this as vindication of the Bush foreign policy (more sanctions anyone???). And naturally quick to point to the danger posed by Iran wanting to keep its options open re development of a nuclear bomb (surprise, surprise, wouldnt YOU want to keep your options open?)

Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice would say. Meanwhile the shredding of Persian recipies progresses to be replaced by.......Pakistani recipies perhaps????

END OF THE WORLD (as we know it) APPROACHES

Is nothing sacred?

Is there no icon that can be allowed to remain in tact?

It is clear to us that the end of the world (as we know it) is very close indeed.

We were thrilled to learn that all the early Sesame Street shows were being released on dvd. As we cranked up the popcorn maker we were horrifed to learn that said dvds would come with a WARNING LABEL. A warning label?? We wondered if the Homeland Security boys had taken a look and found subversives lurking (Ernie a possible terrorist?).

These early shows are carrying a warning: 'These Sesame Street episodes are intended for grown ups (get real - we knew that!!) and might not suit the needs of todays preschool child'. And what needs would those be? Is this a warning intended to alert us that no joy-sticks are involved? No. It seems just this once it isn't the Homeland Security boys but the nutrition police who are behind this shocker!

Cookie Monster apparently sets a poor example for today's urchins with his non-stop gobbling of cookies (is there any other way to eat cookies?). What an outrage!!

Is poor Cookie to morph into the Bananna Monster? the Grape Monster?

And then what? Santa on a Diet? To be left celery stalks and cherry tomatoes instead of the traditional milk and coookies?

Enough!!! We are heading to our bunker (with a few packages of cookies) to await the end of the world!!!

AS IF RUDY WASN'T SCARY ENOUGH

What is it with these Republicans?

Is it not scary enough that Rudy wants to nuke Iran even before he has the Republican nomination? Now, he has 'successfully' wooed Pat Le Scary Roberston to endorse him.

Sure, who wouldn't want the endorsement of someone who said the destruction of the World Trade Centre was punishment for abortion? getting the endorsement of someone who warned Disney that welcoming gays to their theme parks would open them up to 'earthquakes, tornados and possibly a meter' (a meteor???) sure sounds like a winner to us.

Maybe Rudy just wants in on Robertson's special protein shake that apparently enables him to leg press 2000 pounds so he (Rudy) can personally take on all of Iran.

We had 911 reasons why Rudy scared the hell out of us and now we have 912...........

IT'S ALL CLINTON's (BILL) FAULT!

It all started with Bill Clinton.

It was Clinton who opened the door to re-defining words (think, 'is') and it has been all downhill from there.

Dubbya and the boys have re-defined 'mission accomplished', 'enemy combatants', and 'torture' to name but a few.

Now we have some Homeland Security bozo warning American's that they need to 're-define privacy'.

We always wondered if there really was a slippery slope but now we know it exists and we are on it...........

ROWLING OUTS MASTER WIZARD

Gasp!!

Author, J.K Rowling suprised millions of Harry P. fans last week (but not TT) with the revelation that Master Wizard, Albus Dumbledore is gay.

How could anyone not have known?? The clues were everywhere (are there any heteros called Albus??).

Beloved Dumbledore believed first and foremost in the prevailing power of love. A sure sign he was gay.

His childhood friend and ultimately Rival Wizard, Gelbert Grindelewald (note the name), was obviously the object of Dumbledore's affections. When they first met , Grindelwald, the 'golden-haired, talented, merry-faced' (come on - every golden-haired, talented, merry-faced person we have ever known was gay) it was clear there was something going on. Even Grindlewald's aunt picked up on it. She noted that the 'boys took to each other at once!' -- so what's wrong with all those readers that they didn't figure it out?

Although Dumbledore ultimately had to take on (and defeat) his unrequited love, fans who claim they didn't know should have figured it out from the bathroom scene (suspiciously sounding like the Minneapolis airport facilities). Even fictional characters apparently are in the know about toe-tapping, finger-swiping signals.

Now, even the most thick headed fan knows the secret and curiously the world does not appear to have stopped turning. Of course, we understand that Republicans are preparing a draft constitutional ammendment that would ban fictional characters from marrying - just in case.

IDAHO HALL OF FAME MOVES TO MINNEAPOLIS AIRPORT

It is clearly award season.

Nobels are being sprinkled around like candy (a mail strike has apparently delayed TT's notification) and now the Idaho Hall of Fame has inducted Larry Craig. Yes, toe-tapping, he of the 'wide stance', rest-room loitering non-gay, non-resigning, Senator Larry Craig.

What is wrong with these people? Does Idaho not have anyone else who might be considered famous? (Hmmm. We guess none that are as famous as Larry). And what is wrong with Mr. Toe-Tapper? Even if, in an Idahoan fog, the Hall of Fame decided this was the perfect time to induct Larry, surely Larry should realize this would only prolong the agonizing skewering by late night comedians???

Larry, who apparently has no shame and is impervious to global ridicule, will be joining those other auspicious Idahoans - Larry May, for example, owner of the Owyhee Plaza Hotel, or Frank VanderSloot, CEO of the 'world wide known company' Melaleuca Inc (well, not exactly known in any world with which we are familiar).

One can only feel sorry for May, VanderSloot and the others. There is nothing they have ever done or are likely to do that can ever bring them the fame that Larry The Toe Tapper has achieved.

Indeed, rumour has it that the Board of the Idaho Hall of Fame is moving the Hall to the Minneapolis Airport in recognition of the prominence that its most recent inductee has achieved!

GORE TO LOSE NOBEL

Poor Al Gore.

Sure, he scarfed up an Oscar and just last week won the Nobel Peace Prize but celebrations in the Gore enclave may be premature.

TT understands the Supreme Court are likely to reverse the decision and give the prize to Dubba.

Secret squirrel sources tell TT that, in what is likely to be a close decision, uber-ideologues Scalia and Thomas feel strongly that it is George W who has done more to produce climate change than anyone else. Gore, they think, talks a lot and does cool powerpoint presentations but even his electricity usage in his mega-mansion has fallen short. Dubbya has consistently adopted policies which promote enhanced climate change. The prize should be his!

Stay tuned.

AMERICA RETURNS THE REVOLUTION TO BRITAIN

We just don't get these Americans!

Didn't they fight a war of Independence to rid themselves of the Monarchy?

Oh sure, we know they become vapid schoolgirls/boys when anyone at least 1000th in the line of succession wafts on to US shores (think Fergie) but now it is looking like the Monarchy is only a hairsbreath away from being re-instated.

Seems like unless your name is not Bush or Clinton you cannot be President of the United States.

If ever there ought to be a real race for the Presidency it ought to be now. So, why do we get this sinking feeling of inevitabilty about the Coronation of Hillary?

Frankly, we are sick of her already. How will we get through 4 (or 8) years of her?

That Botoxed brow. The pant suits (who would have thought there were that many pant suits in the world?). The Trent Lottesque helmet of laquered hair. The Partonesque make-up. And worse - she is morphing into Dubbya more with every passing day (read her latest prognostications on Iraq and weep). Oh sure, she's smarter and more competent that Dubbya - who isn't? And, we would still prefer her to Scary Rudy '9/11/ G and the even Scarier Judy (now to be called 'Judith', we are advised).

Is the world ready to have to hear THAT LAUGH for years and years? How blonde will get?

TT is in discussions with Virgin Space about booking a flight to Mars. Of course, we might have to be away for quite a while. There's Hillary and a LOT of Bushies by which time we suppose it will be Chelsea's time..........

'YUK' FACTOR HELPS IN THE POLLS

We just don't get it.

By all accounts, Mr. 9/11 is leading the Republican field of Presidential nominees - still.

TT acknowledges that Rudy G did a great job of bringing order and normalacy back to the Big Apple after the 9/11 attacks. But does this qualify him to be President of the United States? It isn't as if he had been married to a former President - a qualification we have recently learned is enough to catapault you into the lead if you are a Democrat.

TT can overlook those three marriages (including the one where he told the press he was divorcing his wife before he told her and tried to move his paramour into the Mayor's Mansion while his still wife and kids were living there). And, we can overlook his fourth 'marriage' (to the Mob - think Bernie Kerik). In particular, we can overlook his various forays as a Drag Queen (hey, Halloween is our favourite holiday!)and allowing Donald Trump to nuzzle his strofoam breasts.

But what happened last week during a speach to the NRA (our very favourite people!) just leaves us spinning our Turnip Tops. If you missed the film footage - spend whatever it takes to get a copy and play it for yourselves.

Right in the middle of Rudy's speach - just after he had mentioned 9/11 for the 403rd time, his cell phone rang - and he answered it. Now most of us turn our cell phones off when we are only at the movies and, in the unlikely event that the NRA invited US to speak, you can be sure our cell phones would not be ringing mid-stream. But no - Rudy is so very important that his cell phone gets left on AND he answers it.

He then proceeded to conduct a converstion that went roughly like this..

'Hello dear - I'm talking to the NRA right now. Would you like to say hello ?' (One could only wonder - was this some secret three year old love child calling like in those long distance telephone ads?).

He listens and then - 'I love you and I'll give you a call as soon as I'm finished, ok?'

Pause.

'OK, have a safe trip. Bye Bye. Talk to you later dear. I love you.'

Bad enough if it had been a secret three year old love child but it was wifie no. 3. EEEEEEEEEEEEEK.

Some have suggested it was staged. Frankly, we would be a whole lot happier thinking it was some dopey idea to show the warm fuzzy Rudy rather than thinking about all those wars that will be interrupted by Judy the Snake Charmer if by some fluke he ends up as President. It's enough to make one want to elect someone who is going to be interupted by Bill Clinton!

YUK.

BUDDHIST MONKS FEAR FOR THEIR LIVES

Looks like things are getting scary on the streets of Rangoon.

Tens of thousands of people, led by thousands of Buddhist monks, entered their seventh day of peaceful pro-democracy demonstrations.

Smooth-headed spiritual guys tell us though that the monks are now seriously concerned about their safety and that of their country. It isn't so much those menacing junta guys in Rangoon (or whatever the latest capital city is) but The Great Decider in Washington that would make their hair stand on end - if they had any hair.

One secret squirrel source told TT - 'with the Great Decider supporting us, can invasion be far behind?'.

The Great Decider has in fact articulated his support for the Democracy on the March - after a rough start. The initial statement from the White House praised 'the courage of those Iraqi Buddhists flooding the streets of Baghdad', but now everyone is on the same page and understands this is a different Freedom March.

Meanwhile, a covert trip to Iran is being organized by a group of Republican law makers. Hearing the President of Iran tell an audience at Columbia University that Iran had no homosexuals, the group, headed up by toe-tapping, non-gay, Larry Craig hopes to leave for Tehran by the end of the week. A source close (very close) to the group tells TT that the purpose is to 'listen and learn'.

IF I COMMITTED ARMED ROBBERY....

It appears that not everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Literary giant, O.J. Simpson seems to have got himself 'stung' in some bizarre armed robbery in a Vegas hotel. He says he was conducting a 'sting' (huh??). The victims claim Simpson and some huge guys with guns burst into their room and took some sports memorabilia (Simpson says he was just taking what was his - the gun was imaginary, a prop).

OJ apparently plans to launch a new book - 'If I Committed Armed Robbery, Here's How I Would Do It'.

Curiouser and Curiouser as Alice would say...............

SO JUST WHERE ARE THOSE MISSING AK-47s??

So, Uber-General Westmoreland - er, Petraeus - will be giving his 'Report' today and trying to answer some of those nagging questions.

Should the US pull out of Vietnam? - er, we mean Iraq.

Is The Surge Working? Well, it depends on what you mean by 'working'.

We hope he will also tell us who decided to let 250,000 angry, unemployed, armed young men (a/k/a the Iraqi army) flood the streets of Iraq. Jerry B says it definitely wasn't him. Dubbya says it certainly wasn't him. Do we sense the Dark Presence of Darth Cheney??

On a more practical level, we would like him to tell us just how long it takes to train an Iraqi to be a soldier? By our calculation training started in May 2003 and here we are more than four years later and the military is still deemed, 'not ready'. Even TT could have been trained in that length of time. Just how inept can people who fought a ferocious 8 year war with Iran be???

If he has time we really,really want to know where the 200,000 AK-47s are that have gone 'missing' in Iraq. Oh sure, the Pentagon assures us that they have not fallen into the hands of The Bad Guys so just where ARE they? Oh, yes, there was one that was used in the killing of a priest in Northern Turkey but apparently the other 199,000 are in Good Hands.

We await the Uber-General's assessment and answers (we just hope he doesn't recommend invading Cambodia).

ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO ISN'T GAY (SNIGGER,SNIGGER) GETS FLUSHED AWAY

Well, another obscure Republican Senator is about to bite the dust thanks to a George Michael moment in an airport toilet.

What IS it with these Republicans? Are they all closeted gays? Just how big IS that closet?

A few weeks ago we had never heard of Larry Craig (but then we hadn't heard of Mark Foley either till his little electronic encounters with Congressional page boys), in fact we had barely heard of Idaho (apart from the fact that they have potatoes).

Craig, we now know, was one of the architects of the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell (if you don't tell we will make you tell and then boot you out)' policy regarding homosexuality. If he applied his own policy to himself - he too would quickly get the boot (rumour has it he will boot himself today before others do it for him).

Craig was charged with soliciting sex fronm an undercover cop and then pled guilty to the less gay-laden charge of disorderly conduct.

The cop reported the Senator stood outside his stall and peered in for at least two minutes, then went to the adjoining stall and 'tapped his right foot as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct' (we must remember to be careful where we tap our feet). He apparantly engaged in other 'coded' behaviours (eg swiping his hand under the stall etc etc etc).

Craig now says his behaviours were 'misconstrued' (hahahahahha) and the toe tapping and touching was just a function of the fact that he has a 'wide stance' when using the toilet. PULEEZE.

Craig said at a press conference, "I am not gay. I have never been gay.' We note he didn't say he might be gay next week though. He further pointed out he had nine grandchildren. Are grandchildren like a special innoculation against gayness???

Some may think TTs interest in this and similar stories simply purient interest. Not true. This story raises Big Questions.

Is toe tapping and hand sliding really secret code for public sex? Where do they teach these secret codes? Is there a Closet Gay School? and, just what can you do in a public toilet when there is a dividerider? How? How fast can Mitt Romney (Craig was Romney's Idaho campaign manager) run away from Craig's spin on his family values?

We just love it when a hypocrite gets theirs!!!!

ADIOS AMIGO!!

Sometimes good things happen to those of us who wait....and wait....and wait....and wait.....

Alberto Gonzales will finally leave the White House next month. Any hope of him taking Dubbya and Darth with him????

Alberto's future plans are somewhat murky (why should his future be any different from his present or his past????). However, TT has it on excellent authority that Gonzales now wants to spend more time applying his domestisc surveillance programmes and warantless wiretaps to his family. Gonzales apparantly feels he has been so busy spying on everyone else that his family hasn't been properly eavesdropped on. We understand he will be implementing an intensive data-mining excercise of his family's expenditures and library preferences.

Adios Amigo!!

GUYS LIKE THIS KEEP THE CELEBS OUT OF THE SLAMMER

What IS it with these California prisons?

Apparantly they are bulging at the seams - so much so that celebs like Paris H have to be dispatched before the acrylic nails and hair extensions need to be replaced.

Now we have Linday Lohan getting one day - yes, one day for a couple of DUIs, cocaine possession etc etc etc.

And don't even get us started on Nicole Ritchie. She also has a couple of DUIs etc etc and served the grand total of 84 minutes. 84 minutes?? Why bother? Thats less time than it takes to snore through Lindsay's latest film (a turkey by all accounts and no we don't plan to see it?). That would take 104 minutes.

If the jails are so full that these Hardened Hussies have to be released, we can only ask, WHY AREN'T THEY BUILDING MORE JAILS OR SEND THESE DANGEROUS BIMBETTES TO JAILS ELSEWHERE IN THE COUNTRY THAT AREN'T FULL?????

RUSSIANS THREATEN SANTA

We may be taking a 'break' in concert with the Iraqi Parliamentarians but it doesn't mean we are asleep!

TT is well aware of the miners trapped in Utah (many consider everyone who lives in Utah to be trapped - why else would they stay there???), the hurricanes that threaten to underperform the 24/7 Breaking News coverage (not to mention all those hurrican graphics that have been prepared), and Dubbya's preparing to turn a disasterous situation (Iraq) into something worse (let's go after the Iranians now!!). What is worse than disasterous? Looks like we are going to find out.

What we don't understand is why there isn't more attention being paid to the nefarious activities of those Russians. Surely the implications of the Russians planting their flag 14,000 feet below the surface of the North Pole should be creating more concern. The very essence of Santa may be threatened (just wait till you start getting those greeting cards in Russian!).

We understand that the Elves are in Russian language courses and the reindeer are mysteriously responding to 'Ivan' and 'Boris' instead of Rudolph and Donner. Shouldn't Dubbya be doing something to help poor Frosty? He is reportedly being force-fed borscht!!

Thankfully, it appears that at least the Canadians understand the threat and are believed to be sending the navy (12 canoes) and the army (two part-time soldiers) to the North Pole to stage an intervention. Once they figure out what indiginous foods to take with them (to replace the borscht), the full force of the Canadian military is expected to descend on the Pole and Santa (and elves) will be liberated.

We feel SO much better......................

WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE......

We figure what is good for the Iraqi Parliament is good enough for us.....................pass the sun screen please!

ALASKA LOSES CLAIM TO BRIDGE TO NOWHERE

Turns out the infamous Bridge to Nowhere isn't in Alaska after all - its in Minnesota.

Don't get us wrong, the collapse of a major bridge in a busy Metropolitan centre is big news - certainly worthy of 23/7 hours of news coverage. Who would have though there were so many bridge experts out there who have just been sitting in the weeds waiting for just such a catastrophe so they could have their 15 minutes of fame analysing the endless re-play of the collapsing bridge?

Certainly it is all very topical - we worry about tunnels and bridges collapsing all the time (doesn't anyone entering the Holland Tunnel hold their breath when they see the cracks and bits and pieces hanging precariously?).

But, hello. Surely the fact that at least 19 million people have been displaced and at least 1000 killed in floods on the Indian sub-continent merit at least 15 minutes of coverage out of the 24 hour news cycle. Just how big does a non-American disaster have to be to nudge its way into the news cycle? At least we know now that 19 million isn't quite enough!!

AT LEAST THERE IS TIDDLY WINKS

Pity the fans of professional sport.

Baseball is burdened by bulked up steroid ingestors. A National Basketball referee has, it would seem, been gambling on games, including games he officiated and is 'mobbed up' (Tony Soprano must be plotting his whackification). The Tour de Farce - well, what can one say. Is there ANYONE on those bikes who isn't doped up?? And, we have a star quarterback in the National Football League who faces nasty charges related to a dogfighting business he was mixed up in.

Thank goodness TT's taste in professional sports runs more towards scrabble, tiddly winks and Civilization. Not a druggie or dog fighter in sight. And when was the last time you heard about a mob link to the National Scrabble Championship.

But, it does make you wonder about professional sports. What next?? Are they going to tell us professional wrestling is fixed??

Or worse, will they tell us 'qis' and 'er' are not really words??? It's enough to run chills down the spine.

Ah well. There will always be Tiddly Winks!