TT's infatuation with Google continues unabated!!

We just discovered Google Images, a treasure trove of pics of everything from saddam hussein (2,670 pictures and not likely to be substantially increased, we think) to (YAWN) Britney Spears ( a mere 26,700 photos of the Pop Tart).

Doing a quick check we found 5,190 snaps of Tony Blair (TT draws no conclusions from the fact that the Teletubbies have 5,420 pictures) and a rather more than the stomach can take 29,500 of Dubbya. Donald Rumsfeld comes up with a modest 1,270 (even Dick Cheney has 1,560 imprints of his mug). Those with strong stomachs can check out the less than 2,000 horrifying images of Jacques Chirac.

TT loves it. We can search in 35 different languages (we wanna see how many pics of Dubbya show up in an Arabic language search and which ones they are) including Simplified or Traditional Chinese (TT is gonna go for the former).

Does TT have better things to do? Of course, but it is summer and it still beats looking at yet MORE pictures of Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee Hussein (before clean up, after clean up...what next? a 16 city tour of the body parts?)

We couldn't quite resist taking a peek on Google Images for Turnip Top. We know that there are no pictures of Turnip Top (all pics, along with the photographers have been mulched) so we were mildly curious as to what, if anything, a search would reveal.

Imagine our surprise to find a Turnip Top search pulls up no less than 88 pics (of the Tops of Turnips and other Root Vegetables...)CLICK AND CHECK OUT GOOGLE TURNIP TOP IMAGES FOR YOURSELVES!We think our anonymity and privacy remains unpenetrated by even Google Images!


NOTE: Should you feel the need to communicate or have unauthorized photos of TT we might be interested in acquiring, you can communicate with TT at rootvegies@aol.com.

No sooner has TT declared ourselves an unabashed fan of Google than presto, we find even more reasons (and, it would seem more fans!)

All and sundry will now be aware of the claims that Iraq had tried to purchase yellowcake uranium from Niger (which became "an African "government in the now infamous State of the Union Address). Now of course, everyone also knows that the claims were based on forged documents.

TT natuarally assumed that these were top of the line forgeries. Surely, to fool the State Department, CIA and the Administration, they would have to be, wouldn't they???? And, let's face it top class curators have been fooled by expert forgers and of course the Hitler Diaries Escapade is now legendary.

Imagine TT's surprise to learn that this sophisticated artifice was eventually unmasked not by the CIA, the State Department, White House or Italian Intelligence (the source) but the International Atomic Energy Agency - AFTER, the report had found its way into the CIA's National Intelligence Estimate in the Fall of 2002 and AFTER the famous State of the Union Address.(come on guys, surely the Italian Intellligence sourcing should have given you a small clue!!).

And just how did the IAEA unearth this masterpiece of forgery? It wasn't through picking up tiny technical inaccuracies, knowable only by Nobel Prize winning physicists. No folks, it was a simple Google Search!!

A routine Google Search quickly showed that agencies referred to in the documents no longer existed and the Foreign Minister whose signature they bore, had been out of office for ten years.

Now let's see, we have info plagerized from an old PhD thesis turning up in the British Iraq dossier #1 and documents forged by someone we suspect flunked out of forgery school and is now working in a post office somewhere. Surely we can be excused for being just a tad sceptical about claims relating to the magnitude and urgency of the threat posed by Iraq??

Of course, one wonders just who might have had an interest in planting those documents in the Niger embassy in Rome. Gosh, you don't think the Iraqi exile community could have an interest in smoking up the mirrors do you???

TT readers can CLICK ON FOLLOW THE YELLOWCAKE ROAD for Michael Isikoff's story in Newsweek<


NOTE 1: In the interest of full disclosure, TT should advise you that TT is powered by a subsidiary of Google!


NOTE 2: TT makes no promises but reader's who cannot help themselves can express their views to TT at rootvegies@aol.com

One of life's imponderables has always been, just how much does an extra-marital "shag" cost?

Men who stray (and get caught) have always had some price to pay. Taking out the garbage for ever, quietly tolerating a lifetime of ballet and opera performances(substitute ballroom dancing or reasonable equivalent if the subject happens to like ballet and opera), a remodelled kitchen/house, a fur coat here and there and, of course, enduring obsequiousness.

We say 'men who wander' (and get caught) because the Kerry Kennedy Cuomo's of the world seem to either be smarter and not get caught or are divorced rather than "forgiven".

Now, it would seem that Kobe Bryant has established a baseline price (at least for super rich athletes) for the extra-marital "shag". TT does not mean to imply that what happened in that hotel room was not a sexual assault. But, at a minimum, and as far as KB's positioning to his wife is concerned, it was an extramarital "shag" he deeply regrets.

Kobe, in a burst of generosity and outpouring of love, plunked down a modest $4 Million for an eight carat diamond according to the New York Post, which cites the chronicler of celebrity cyclical monogamy, People Magazine.CLICK ON EXTRA MARITAL SHAG FOR THE POST STORY. TT cannot bring you the "source" because those crafty folks at TimeWarnerAOL will no longer allow us web access to People unless we actually SUBSCRIBE to the magazine or, aol.

Of course, TT does not make the assumption that the $4million rock is the full price, something tells us it is just the first installment. Curious, how the spin machine has raised the spectre that the alleged victim of the assault is in it for the money. And the recipient of the ring isn't???

The ring and its cost is helpful information. One can only begin to speculate on the full cost of serial-extra-curricular "shagging". Something to think about before wandering off the reservation. On the other hand, guys like Kobe may have it easy if writing a check or buying jewels can lock his partner into foregiveness mode. Something tells TT that Bill Clinton would consider himself lucky if all he had to do with you know who is buy her a giant piece of jewellry!!!

NOTE: TT discourages comment or discussion but for those who really insist, they can communicate their views to TT (or one of the clones) at rootvegies@aol.com

For reasons even TT cannot understand, we are adored by small children (definitely not reciprocated except in controlled laboratory conditions), dogs (we love dogs, as long as they are other peoples' and have small teeth) and cats (we suspect cats of harbouring dark and dangerous thoughts - we can see it in their eyes!).

TT does not have a pet but a recent article in Newsweek magazine (July 21,2003 Animal Emotions) has made us reconsider - not reconsider getting a dog (a cat would be way out of the question), but reconsider the concept of reincarnation. The article also brought us insight into why TT doesn't have a pet.

TT is no Shirley McLaine. We don't believe in reincarnation, at least in the literal sense. TT definitely believes in reincarnation in the metaphysical. Politicians routinely reinvent themselves and come back as whole new people - indeed the capacity to reinvent is essential to a long and successful political career.

Celebrites constantly re-invent themselves. Madonna is the Icon of Reinvention. TT calculates there have been at least 32 Madonnas and, assuming an average life span, one can only imagine how many more there will be.

Indeed, the ability to be successfully reincarnated as 'someone else' is a critical ingredient in hanging on to long term celebrity status. The music and film industry is littered with Backstreet Boys, Tiny Tim's and (we hope) Britney Spears'. Shooting stars that flame out (mercifully in most cases) because they don't have the "R" capability.

Sports figures are notoriously weak in this respect. For every Michael Jordan there are a thousand......ah, we cannot quite recall his name, but he was a huge football star (no, not the one who was charged with murdering his wife).

There are surely enough metaphysical examples of reincarnation to force one into considering the possibility of the Shirley McLaine type reincarnation. If so, TT has concluded that we definitely want to come back as some rich (or just fiscally reckless) person's pet.

According to the Newsweek article, American pets are living charmed lives. They seem to get better medical care than the millions of uninsured Americans. Abdominal ultrasound ($245), corneal transplants ($812), private recovery rooms (good grief) for pet and owner ($240 a day).

It would seem that dental care is also a shoe-in if you are a pet (root canal by dental specialist, $300 to $600) and when we enter the murky world of mental and emotional health it's a slam dunk. According to the Newsweek article, 3% of dogs visited a behavioural therapist in the last six months. At least three percent of the people TT knows should be seeing a behavioural therapist - but aren't (maybe the behavioural therapists are too busy with their pet patients). There is even a Prozac for doggies ( in delicious beef flavour), called Clomicalm (great name) and"Doga" (yoga for dogs!) would seem to be so prevalent that there are TWO books on the subect coming out this fall. One cannot be faulted for wondering if there isn't an anxiety crisis in the pet community!!

Life as somebody's pet certainly seems to assure a high level of health care but where it becomes to look particularly attractive is in the area of pampering. TT is very bullish on self-indulgence or, even better being, indulged by someone else. Much cheaper for TT.

These pets seem to be living quite the life. Doggy Spas provide cuddle time for $30 a half hour ( neither Canyon Ranch, Champney's nor the Golden Door have offered TT any Cuddle Time), seniors' massage for aging canines (what old folks homes..er, we mean assisted living valhalas..... offer massages for their old and achey residents?), luxury five star accommodation with TV's, scenic window views and Webcams (Webcams ?? We shudder to think what those doggies need Webcams for exactly). And all of this can be reached through a luxury limo service.

TT is awestruck. We now know why we don't have a pet. We cannot afford it. And, although we have eschewed Shirley McLaine reincarnation theories, is it such a large quantum leap from the metaphysical reincarnation of Michael Milken to coming back as a whale? Just in case, TT is going on the record now. We want to come back as a rich persons' pet (or even just "comfortable" as they say). We are advance booking our massages and hydrotherapy now!


NOTE: As always, your comments, views or questions can be directed to TT at rootvegies@aol.com. As always, TT may or may not read them and may or may not respond.

Dr David Kelly, the British scientist and biological weapons expert, died by his own hand in a dark desperation one can only imagine.

He chose to end his physical existence, at least in part, because his professional life was over and, at least for some weeks, days or hours, was unable to see a future which offered anything other than more of the same or worse.

Kelly joins the American, British, Iraqis and others who have become casualties of the war in Iraq (the war that, in TT's view, has not ended and may have just begun).

TT readers who have been hibernating or on a round the world baloon trip should CLICK ON TO THE GUARDIAN AND GET A FULL REPORT ON THE CAST OF CHARACTERSin this tragic, and still unfolding story.

David Kelly's death has been termed by more than a few as "Death by Spin". TT doesn't need Lord Hutton's report to know that Kelly was a victim of the highest stake and most ferocious of spins, as well as his own naivete in believing that any word repeated would be repeated accurately and his anonymity preserved. There is more than enough blame, fault and responsibility to go around and more than enough places to place it. Naivete is the least of the failings in this saga.

David Kelly was, by all accounts, a man of great personal and professional integrity and, of all the cast of characters, was probably the only one who wasn't "spinning". We aren't sure he would have known how to spin even if he had wanted to and he surely was ill equipped to counter spin or manage it.

But, David Kelly is not the first "death" by spin, nor is he likely to be the last.

"Spin" is putting your case forward in the best and most persuasive manner possible. "Spinning" involves the selection, emphasis and interpretation (translation:enhancement) of "facts" to produce a final "product".It is the art of turning an anthill into the Mattehorn and turning the 1000 pound elephant into a housepet. Spin is also about "trashing" the other side's position or facts - directly, indirectly and/or through arm's length third parties (plausible deniability). This is the dark underbelly of "spin".

Whether we like it or not, "spin" is now an integral part of our lives.Various interest groups "spin" when they lobby for or against policy and/or regulatory initiatives. Corporations "spin" their positions on issues, their stock and their products. Movie stars, sports icons and celebrities have battalions of "spinners" whose sole function in life is to manage their clients every breath to "spin" the image they have created and seek to maintain. They puff up, obfuscate or trash as circumstances require .

Politicians, and their minions, are professional "spinners".

Lawyers "spin" in court. Defence and prosecution, with access to essentially the same information, assemble and dissemble facts in totally different ways to "sell" their version of the "truth". In a court of law, however, there are rules as to what constitutes a fact, what facts can be used and how. Of course, we all know that in America, those rules breakdown at the courtroom door.

Big court cases in America have become as much about the "spin" outside the courtroom as they are about what happens inside. Think Scott Peterson and that is a long, long way from even getting to the trial.

Beyond the court's jurisdiction, there are no "spin" rules except those guided by the integrity, honesty and morality of the individuals involved. And therein lies the problem. Everybody wants to win the "spin" battle. The higher the stakes the fiercer the battle. Lines get bent and blurred, usually in small incremental doses. They are easier to swallow. Spinners are ratcheting up and escalating without necessarily being fully cognizant of how far lines have been crossed. The "spin" becomes a ping pong game in a vacuum of small sin piled on small sin.

Sports icon, Kobe Bryant, who was recently accused and charged with sexual assault (what most of us lay persons call rape) has already unleashed an awesome spin machine: the 'I'm an adulterer, not a rapist' press conference timed to coincide with the prosecutor's announcement of the charges against him, the attractive and forgiving wife at his side, the scores of friends and colleagues who are popping up everywhere to attest to his sterling character etc etc. But, already the dark underbelly has surfaced -stories about the accuser's emotional stability,a reported drug overdose, auditions for American Idol and desire for stardom etc etc etc. There is big big money at stake for Bryant. It will get uglier before it gets better and whatever the truth is, this woman has already lost much on many levels. Her life has forever changed.

Lord Hutton has been charged with investigating the circumstances of Kelly's death but the essential question (on both sides of the Atlantic) is not David Kelly's death, harsh as that sounds: the key question is whether the threat from Saddam was of a magnitude and urgency that necessitated a virtually unilateral and immediate invasion of Iraq.

TT has always thought the answer was and is no . So, we decare our bias.

With a less than supportive British public and intense pressure from the ADD afflicted Americans for any morsel that could shore up the case to the world, the pressure to produce Matterhorns has to have been enormous(the American public were more ready to accept their CEO's assessment that the threat was real, acute and imminent - even if short on evidence of either threat or urgency).

People got sloppy (a very gentle interpretation) and a plagerized (and old) PhD student's thesis turns up in Iraq dossier #1. It is subequently cited and lauded by Colin Powell at the United Nations with a global audience.

It takes little imagination to imagine the infamous "45 minute" speech being tweeked and massaged by a myriad of bodies. How the 45 minutes got into the speech, we will not speculate but it is hard to imagine how senior political operatives would not have had involvement in securing its inclusion and probably not been too fussy about its provenance!!! Forty five minutes meets the threat and urgency requirement rather tidily.

The BBC decided to start making news rather than reporting it. The journalist, who is supposed to sift through the spins for us, seems to have started the controversy with his own spinning. Does anyone really think David Kelly would use an expression like "sexed-up"? It was the words "sexed up" and the accusation that Blair's Uber- Spinmeister had inserted the 45 minute item, which catapulted the story to the headlines and crisis mode. BBC top management elected to go to war based on a single source story and went into an egregious spinning frenzy, the actual motives for which defy rational thought.

TT has our theories about how the David Kelly horror happened but we will keep it to ourselves, for now.

The"45 minutes" was dodgy and lots of people knew it.

David Kelly knew it.

The Americans certainly knew it .Why else include the British pedigree in the State of the Union address ? The British reference was clearly inserted precisely because people knew it was dodgy. TT recognizes a spin word and phrase when we see it. It screeched spin at the time and nothing has transpired to change our view. Spin in all its glory. (We can imagine the conversation:Its great stuff, just what we need. No, its very dubious . Well, what if we say it comes from the Brits. Looks like we are giving them credit for sharp work but we cover ourselves if there is any fallout. OK).

Lord Hutton will make his determination with regard to David Kelly's death but his will not be the last casualty in the Iraq War Spinning Wheel - nor should it be.

Turnip Top was ecstatic to see that someone bid and paid $5000 for a pair of John F Kennedy's WWII Navy issued boxer shorts on e-Bay (We estimate that those boxers had to be at least 50 years old!! Go figure!).

TT doesn't wear boxers but we do have a lot of old "unmentionables" which we now see more for their money- making potential than as cleaning rags.

Lest one think this was a fluke reaction by some demented old boxer fetishist, a pair of JFK's pyjama bottoms fetched $2000 (TT at least has the tops to go with the bottoms so we figure they must be worth double).

Isn't America's sense of the historical wonderful? The entrepreneurial spirit lives unbowed and undaunted. We are inspired and plan to rampage through our drawers and closets this very day!!

The pyjama bottoms and antique boxers (imagine what a certain blue Gap dress would fetch at auction?) were among a ton of important historical John and Jackie items put up for auction by Jackie O's former secretary and personal attendant (we presume an attendant means "dresser" or some such thing).

One can be forgiven for wondering more about the psyche of women who hang on to someone else's boxers and pyjama bottoms for 50 years than the proclivities of the buyers!!

It is too late to bid on the John and Jackie stuff, although you can troll through the items which were up for auctionby CLICKING ON ANTIQUE BOXERS.

History buffs and weirdos pushed and shoved to buy shoes, nightgowns, lipsticks and even Jackie's sleeping cap (huh??? Jackie wore a sleeping cap? No wonder JFK wandered into other pastures!).

TT is inspired! Seeing vast riches disguised as old stuff in our closets, we are preparing a comparable selection of prized items which we will make available for auction on e-Bay.

As a special acknowledgement to TT's readership, we will hold an advance bid and sale for TT readers. A catalogue of the treasured items will be available upon request at rootvegies@aol.com.

Turnip Top has a whole host of nasty words that we can hurl at someone we don't like or are mad at: "piggie", "dork", "imbecile", "meanie".

Occasionally, we have had to dig deep and find a few even stronger words but the Bushies have added two words to the lexicon of slurs and insults that frankly would not have occurred to us: "Canadian" and "Gay".

This week the Bushies upped the ante and, furious, they used the two words together(gasp!).

Jeffrey Kaufman is the ABC journalist who broke the stories this week about low morale among the troops in Iraq (one story quoted a soldier saying Rumsfeld should resign, another was quoted as having some well known Adminstration faces on a new deck of cards!)

Furious at the "unpatriotic" journalism, the White House dismissed the reports of low troop morale, apparentlly with the intent of trashing the messenger , told Matt Drudge (Drudge Report) that the reporting could be explained by the journalists background, The journalist's nefarious Canadian origins were "outed" in an article in the Gay Advocate which the White House helpfully passed to Drudge. Drudge then carried a blaring headline in his Wednesday report:" ABC News correspondent who filed troop complaints story is openly gay, Canadian." Well, that explains EVERYTHING!!

The White House now denies they fed the item to Drudge but Drudge maintains it was the White House which first flagged him to the original story (he hadnt even heard about low troop morale he said) and gave him the items on the journalists' pedigree. What could ABC be thinking? A Canadian gay man? Reporting the news? Does John Ashcroft know??

It does make TT wonder about precisely how to use this new found epithet. Is it stronger to say: " YOU GAY CANADIAN,YOU!!" or, "YOU CANADIAN GAY, YOU!". We will reserve " he is such a Canadian, gay meanie" for special occasions with think!

For TT readers who want to read the Canadian Gay's Unpatriotic report that started the hurling of hockey pucks and boa'sCLICK ON GAY CANADIAN MEANIE.

TT notes that, in a burst of democratization (also known as the Share the Blame strategy), the newest Grand Poobah of Iraq has facilitated the establishment of the self-named "First Interim Government of Iraq". With a name like that can the Second, Third or Fourth Interim Government be far behind??

We were pleased to see that these guys have a clear picture of the extent of their authority and for sure have their priorities straight. No fudging around with the peripherals of electricity, security, food, water or elections. These folks cut right to the chase - establishing a new national holiday (and banning six existing ones) to institutionalize the euphoria of toppling SH.

Mundane and complex tasks like electricity, medical care, clean potable water or security for ordinary Iraqi citizens can surely wait. Holidays first!!

TT thinks this bunch may want to reach out to the newly created Portugese Association of Friends of the Siesta. Founded by a Portuguese MP, Friends of the Siesta want Portugal to stave off the erosion of the revered siesta and, like what they claim the Chinese have done, give the siesta protection under the law.(The Association makes this claim about the Chinese but TT readers should note that TT has no independent corroboration of this). Friends of the Siesta recommend "short, sharp siestas - a 20 minute nap that refreshes".

With a new national holiday in place, the First Interim Government of Iraq may now want to turn its attention to institutionalizing the siesta (it gets pretty hot in Iraq in the afternoons). Given the absence of a Constitution or legal infrastructure - not to mention the absence of electricity for those air conditioners - the timing is perfect. With a bit of deft leadership, Iraq could become the first nation to constitutionally preserve the siesta. A worthy objective for the First Interim Government and one for which they undoubtedly have the authority.

The Second Interim Government of Iraq can surely deal with the arcane problems of food, water, security etc.

TT would share more with our readers about the activites of the Friends of the Siesta but, co-incidentally, it is time for a snooze..........

No one said life was gonna be easy or that we could always believe what we read, except of course for the New York Times - until recently- and the National Enquirer (note that Jason Blair never worked for them!).

We have dealt with the heartbreaks of Bambi, Dumbo, and Old Yeller but now (oh, Britney, say it ain't so!) it appears that Britney Spears is not a virgin after all!

Shock!

Yes, TT was one of the three people on the planet who really believed her professional virgin personae (I guess if Brook Shields could get away with it for years, why not Britney?). And, for the eleven people who care, this is clearly a big deal. Such a big deal that she felt compelled to reveal it in a magazine interview. Surely she could have just telephoned those eleven fans ??

According to an interview with "W" magazine, the "not so innocent" Ms Spears revealed that she and Justin LogPond did a little more than cuddle. Stunning news. TT is still reeling. Who would have thought......next it will be an immaculate conception for J. Low!!

But what is it with these magazine interviews? Since when did it become de rigeur to announce the loss of your virginity (retroactively) in the national media?

Well, not to be outdone. TT is revealing(retroactively), for the record, that we are no longer virginal. In an expression of religious rebellion, we gave up our virginity for Lent one year but we aren't saying which one or how often!

FOR THE ELEVEN BRITNEY FANS YOU CAN CLICK AND READ THE WHOLE SHOCKING STORY. As for the TT shocking story....that one isn't likely to hit the national media any time soon.

Turnip Top is an unabashed fan of Google. We Google everything....paramours past and present included!!

It therefore seemed logical to us that Google was the place to go to find those pesky and elusive Weapons of Mass Destruction (much more difficult to find than the omni-present Weapons of Mass Disinformation or the equally ubiquitous Weapons of Mass Deception). Google did not disappoint!

Until the last few days, typing in Weapons of Mass Destruction took you straight to the Weapons of Mass Destruction Error Page (rumour has it that the Administration was NOT amused and the page disappeared, or at least became more difficult to find) but stick with TT and we will take you to it. You will know you are in the right place when confronted with:

"The weapons you are looking for are currently unavailable. The country might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you might need to adjust your weapons inspectors mandate."CLICK HERE ON CANNOT FIND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

The "WMD Error Page" has special instructions if Dubbya tries to access the site (correct spelling of Iraq) or Donald Rumsfeld (enables him to access an Amazon.com site selling, among other things, the DVD of Dr Strangelove).

There are instructions on what to do if you are an Old European Country trying to protect your interests (scroll to Head in the Sand Section and check settings for your exports to Iraq).

In the event that you want the CIA to try and discover the WMDs, you are taken to "Amazon.com" where you can purchase "Pieces of Intelligence: The Essential Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld".

Or, you can go straight to the WMD Emporium (http://www.cafeshops.com/wmd404) where you can purchase T Shirts (varioius styles), mugs and even some very attractive boxer shorts at very competitive prices.

Personally, TT doesn't understand why the Administration didn't use Google in the first place nor do we understand why they are piqued by this very helpful site. Go figure ....and with all those WMDs ready to be launched in 45 minutes???? Sometimes those other WMDs get in the way, we think!!

Turnip Top has been so captivated by the Kennedy/Cuomo mud sling (even the EX father in law of the Philandering Polo Player hasn't been able to resist hurling a little mud) that we barely noticed that California is holding a summer coup d'etat . Frankly, we think the Coney Island Mermaid Festival sounds like a lot more fun!!

It would seem that in sunny California, if you don't like the election results you get, you get a second kick at the can if you can scrounge up enough signatures (12% of the vote in the last election). What was ridiculed initially as a nasty right wing initiative by a sleezy but mega rich car salesman has actually produced over a million signatures, albeit by sleezy right wing car salesmen throughout California. This is more than the required amount to force a recall election and potentially de-throne Governor Colourless (oops, we mean Gray) Davis who was elected only last year.

Assuming the signatures are certified (ie that they aren't the same voters who hung or dimpled their chads in Florida )a recall election will be held and voters will be asked if they agree that Beige Davis should be dethroned and, if so,which candidate they prefer.

Rumour has it that the Terminator himself, Steroid Schwarzenegger (SS) is interested in taking a run. Some have ridiculed the idea but TT doesn't find it any stranger than an actor running and becoming President or Jerry Springer filing papers to run for the Senate in Ohio or......(so many examples, where does one stop?)

With all those bad guys out there and national security such a focus, having the Terminator on the job might not do much for California's $38billion deficit but the bad guys would certainly think twice before they targeted a California landmark. Who is gonna want to take on Terminator 4?

But, TT may just have a better idea.

The T3 (Terminator 3) website offers a life sized cardboard Terminator 3 standee for sale for only $29.95. It is described as being 6feet, three inches tall, with a high quality photo on the front (of the Terminator himself). It is "free-standing and very durable" and "easy to set up, take down and store". Are these not exactly the qualities one would want in a Governor of California???CHECK OUT THE POSSIBLE NEXT GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA -The Official Terminator 'T3' Life-Size Standee

TT thinks this a perfect solution.

On the other hand, to get one's name on the ballot only 65 signatures and $3500 are required. TT readers should know that if TT is drafted, we will serve - or, maybe it will be our life-size cardboard standee. Or, we will have the Raelians whip up a clone or two. We shall see.

Enormous financial contributions (the more soft money the better, we say) will be enthusiastically received. Credit cards are accepted. Get in touch via rootvegies@aol.com.

It is just too hot on this holiday weekend for TT to try and deal with audio tapes from Saddam as well as Osama. Now we have the two of them jockeying for airtime....wherever they are.

Now the US is offering a $25 million reward for information leading to Saddam's capture or confirmation of his death. Maybe this $25 million will be more effective than the $25 million offered for Osama. Twenty five million dollars IS a lot of money but, TT would point out that it is $1.375 BILLION less than what the US military has found in cold hard cash in Iraq (money seems to be easier to locate than Weapons of Mass Deception). It is also $5million less than Dubbya has already raised for his Presidential re-run. Everything is relative.

So, while the CIA and Pentagon are busy trying to ascertain whether the audio tape is "real" (let's hope they are a bit quicker than with the Osama tapes), TT turns to TRASH.

For the Trashoholic, it is the best of times and the worst of times. There is some great trash out there right now. But that also means so much more to monitor!!

Of course we have sleezy Scott Peterson cooling his heels (as are we) waiting for the next round of court action. The semi-gag order has given us all a bit of a respite and time to stock up on popcorn etc.

Then, there is the OTHER Peterson trial. For the less sophisticated among TT's readership, we are referring to The Novelist who murdered his wife (ooops, is alleged to have murdered his wife) by beating her to death then making it look like a fall down some stairs after inbibing too much liquid refreshment. Curiously, a female friend and next door neighbour of the couple (some say more his friend than the wife's - wink, wink) died a few years prior in a fall down stairs in her house......Someone really ought to be looking into stair construction in this neighbourhood.

And, we have Demi (you go girl!) and Ashton, or Anton, or whatever his name is, bringing new meaning to May/December relationships - they will now be known as December/May liasons.

There is the Sharon Stone/Phil Bronstein split (yawn, TT saw that one coming after Sharon lured her husband into a zoo and got him to take his shoes off just in time to be attacked by a baby dragon and have to undergo painful foot surgery...TT picks up on these subtle signs). When your partner sets you up as dragon-fodder, can a split be far behind???

There is the Camelot implosion(well, the sequel to the sequel to the sequel...). "New" revelations about the old revelations about Kennedy/Bessette . These are, however, a bit juicier because of all the unattributed and unfettered sources (unattributed sources are always better at dishing the dirt).

Juciest and certainly ugliest of all is the Kennedy/Cuomo split because of HER affair with the Lothario polo player (polo?? in America?? PULEEEZE, surely it should have been a NASCAR driver or something). TT is stocking up with the appropriate imbibables for this one. Cuomo has already demonstrated his mean and nasty streak...."she betrayed me and our marriage".......a definite plus for the Trashaholic in such cases. TT anticipates great "dish" here.

There a few "dogs" out there. Martha's huge weight gain (we lived through Oprah and don't think we can do another one of those, although TT really enjoys it when rich, insufferable people lose money AND get fat!!!)


Overall though, the summer is definitely shaping up rather nicely we would say. But, we are already feeling the stress of so much trash coming to the fore simultaneously.

TT readers unused to dealing with so much sleeze at once are urged to acquire the proper academic grounding before the summer is too advanced and read up (CLICK on CELEBRITY DATING- ARE DEMI AND ASHTON FOR REAL? And everything else you need to know about Hollywood mating rituals. No TT reader shall be left behind!!

For our US readership, TT wishes all a Happy July 4!

We aren't sure how you plan to spend your holiday but you will probably need some new Patriotic paraphenalia. TT has just the site for you. (TT of course has been in rehab to deal with an on-line shopping addiction and is pleased to report that we have been "clean" for 31 days. That does NOT mean, however, that we are unaware of those tempting on-line possibilities!).

We suggest that you add to your July 4 festivities by purchasing a few Patriotic essestials from usflagdepot.com. It offers a full array of flags at attractive prices. Old Glory flags and buntings can be acquired to decorate your decks, porches or fences. The uses are "limited only by your creativity". Go for it.

This Emporium of Patriotism offers the possibility of purchasing all three Confederate flags (wonder how much business they do with these items and whether someone is keeping track of who purchases them?).

TT is attracted to a couple of items though. We LOVE the American Eagle Hardhat for only $28. We are told that the "crisp graphics are sure to turn heads wherever it is worn" and one glance at this item tells you this is not just marketing hype.

TT also is drawn to the Stars and Stripes Doggie Coat. Even your dog can make a strong Patriotic Fashion Statement while staying warm and cuddly even in the rain. Appealingly, velcro fasteners on straps around the neck and under the stomach "maintain a snug fit". We wish they had something similar for humans.

Freedom Eagle Flames (with four flame licks) are available for your cars, tractors and trucks. These project the perfect, "Dont Mess With the US" attitude we are advised. TT NEVER messes with people who have flame licks on their tractors.

All 50 State and 5 Territorial Flags are available for purchase (What WERE they thinking/smoking in Oklahoma????) as are accoutrements like the "Never Furl" kit ("fly your flag every day all day and wind will never wrap your flag around the pole") or the "Wonder Pole" which sways in the breeze and provides "a dramatic attention getting display" (especially after a beer or two we suspect). But don't rely on TT. CLICK and VISIT THE U. S. Flag Depot, Inc..

Oh, and Happy Fourth of July!

Turnip Top is enraged, furious, apoplectic, fuming, rabid and yes, pissed!!

In that bastion of freedom, formerly thought of as Canada, it seems clear that one of TTs worst nightmares has come true. John Ashcroft has been cloned and ensconced as head of Canadian Immigration!!

TT readers had better make themselves comfortable, crack open a bottle of something cool (high alcoholic content recommended but not mandatory) and have a small snack handy - this is gonna take a while.

TT went to renew her Canadian passport. Now TT has multiple passports (those stories will have to await another day) in different names (doesn't everyone???) so an expiring Canadian passport is certainly not going to impede TT mobility, but TT always like to have the maximum flexibility in everything we do.

TT has always been a tad unlucky when it comes to travel. Unlucky is definied as:

1) spending 7 hours with 300 people, two washrooms and no food or drink (possibly a disguised blessing with only two washrooms) in a hermetically sealed Swissair plane(no wonder they went bankrupt) on the tarmac at Zurich airport while authorities used the one de-icing machine to de- ice a mega batch of planes.

2) getting to take the Concorde from New York to London but experiencing an "engine surge" mid way across the Atlantic ( a tactful way of saying we have lost power and are hurtling straight downwards towards the ocean at Mach 1 and , if we cannot pull out we shall crash and die), pulling out, being forced to turn back but running out of fuel and being diverted to Gander, Newfoundland for 11 hours.

3) having engine problems mid way across the Atlantic between Rome and New York, being diverted to Ireland where a "rough" landing (complete with slide) was successfully undertaken but with all shoes having been left on the plane being sent on (after a night in Dublin airport) to New York (along with a couple of hundred other folks) wearing giant green fuzzy slippers, courtesy of the Dublin airport authorities.

But, you get the picture.

TT's travel adventures (nicer word than 'horrors') would fill a whole web site. Daily!

Suffice it to say that TT's bad luck when travelling is legendary - to the point where TTs colleagues refused to travel with TT. Even minions, apon whom TT could heap abuse if necessary, were known to change flights, times, airlines and yes - even destinations (a tad excessive we thought).

With a history of bad luck in travel, we thought various problems and delays we have endured since 9/11(three hours at Honolulu airport with US immigration, 2 hours of questioning at JFK, an hour of questioning in a teeny weeny little cubicle by Canadian immigration, full baggage searches every time TT travels,etc etc etc) were a combination of 9/11 mania, TTs historic bad luck in travel and a statistical anomoly that gives the word "random" a whole new meaning. How can 100% be random????

We HAVE found it odd that EVERY time we travel we get singled out....we wish we had these odds at the casinos!

But, back to the Canadian passport !!

We are gonna skip over the irrelevant parts of the story like the 20 plus days the passport (without owner) travelled the world - Amsterdam, Brussels, Miami, Venezuala (twice), Turkey- without TT.

We are also gonna skip over the three hours that TT spend waiting to be told that the application photos were unacceptable (TT had glasses on her head which, though barely visible, did look a bit like TT had small horns....we didnt see the problem, frankly...TT does show her horns periodically).

But, we do like the quaint Canadian system where you get to line up in order to get a number in order to line up in order to be told that you have to come back and line up to line up to.......

But, we are gonna skip all over that and get to the crux TTs fury.

Finally all hornless photos and new documents(don't get me going on THAT part, suffice it to say it was necessary to find a Commissioner of Oaths on short notice) are deposited with the smiling passport dispensing official who assures TT a new passport will be dispensed within three days. That is, until said official finished entering all the info into the evil repository of information - the computer. HAL was cuddly in comparison to this computer.

Manner changed. Tone of voice. Changed. Something in HAL's second cousin produced a marked change in friendly passport official.

TT was now advised that no guarantee could be given as to when TT would be given a new passport, certainly the 3 to 5 days was not operational in TTs case!!!! OH????? And just why would THAT be.

Seem that TT is on a "security" list...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK. It would seem to be related to the fact that TT had her passport stolen a couple of times (well, ok three times) while living in Brussels. TT was robbed 7 times while living in Brussels but in only three of these thefts was the passport taken. So, surely that should count for something?? Anyway, that was years ago and TT was the VICTIM not the PERP!!!

When TT pointed out to the "official" that the stolen passports were a long time ago and hardly my fault (Brussels make Palermo seem almost like a tranquil Swiss village), Canadian official said: "When your name goes on this list, it stays on for a VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY long time". The word VERY was used four times - we counted.

So, there it is. TT is a MARKED TURNIP!! We shall wait until we have a new passport in our hot little hands but then....watch out. Once a Turnips' Wrath has been incurred......we are assembling a legal Nightmare Team (someone already got the Dream Team) and then.........well even John A or clone isnt going to want to have to deal with an enraged Turnip!