IT'S JUST NOT THAT HOT

TT is not the first to note the fact that Europeans and North Americans see the world through different lenses.

What we had not realized was that even the heat of summer provokes very different responses.

When folks in Phoenix were confronted with days of 100 plus degree temperatures they responded by hunkering down in air conditioning, sipping tropical drinks with tiny umbrellas and dipping in and out of their ubiquitous swimming pools --- all perfectly 'normal' reactions.

But, those conservative Austrians (clearly not as conservative as we had thought) took a rather different tack when a 'heatwave' (anything over 75 is a heatwave in Europe) swept Austria.

The prestigious Leopold Museum in Vienna lured sweaty Viennese to an art exhibition by offering free entry IF they showed up naked. Now, we have a hard time imagining the Metropolitan Museum providing free access to naked New Yorkers - wouldn't all those plastic surgery scars be just a bit too obvious?

What surpised us most was that dozens of presumably very buff Viennese have turned up sans clothes. We assume that the cellulite ridden found other 'cooling off' activities.

The museum founder conceded that some visitors might be drawn more by the clothing-challenged visitors than Klimt's Nude Veritas (nubile naked wench with flowers in hair) but didn't seemed bothered that lust rather than art appreciation might be the big draw. 'We stand for truth' and want to help people beat the heat.

Hmmm. With visions of Naked New Yorkers streaming into MOMA, the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building we think we will stick to more traditional cooling off devices --- another mojito, please!!

Frankly, if we had the thighs and cellulite that Klimt's Veritas has (we love it when we find people with bigger thighs and more cellulite) we wouldn't even want a painting of us on display - never mind showing up in the altogether.CLICK HERE AND FEEL MUCH MUCH BETTER ABOUT YOUR FLAWED BODY AND REACH FOR THAT MOJITO BEFORE TAKING ANOTHER DIP IN THE POOL.

BEAM UP 245 YEARS OF ROCK 'N ROLL!!

Just as TT is coming to terms with the fact that Star Trek's Scotty was EIGHTY FIVE when he was beamed up for the last time (please, can't these people expire before we have to start dealing with their octogenarian images?), we learn that Mick Jagger has turned SIXTY TWO. At least Jagger has always looked 62 so there isn't much we have to do to adjust our images or cringe like when we have to see Paul McCartney(can't someone drag him off-stage to some nice retirement home for rockers?).

Still, it is a bit horrifying to think of the Rolling Stones being (collectively) 245 years old!!!

We much prefer when our icons pass with our final images in tact (JFK, Marilyn, James Dean...) because we really don't want to think of Scotty's final beam up as one which required a case of Metamucil.

While TT reader's digest (so to speak) that final Scotty beam up, you can listen to 245 years of rock 'roll with the guys who eschew botox and cannot disappoint us cause they still look like they did when they started!!CLICK HERE FOR 245 YEARS OF ROCK 'N ROLL AND FREE GERITOL. We just cannot quite bring ourselves to even think about Dr Spock as an 85 year old with pointy ears or Colin Farrell as a wrinkly prune...................TT plans to press for obligatory 'sell by' dates on all celebs. Once they hit the sell by date, they must be removed from the stage, the screen, the podium, the recording studio . We do it for food so let's do it for celebs!!

NOT AFRAID???? WE ARE

Much has been made of the British 'stiff upper lip' in the wake of bombings, and wanna-be bombings, in the London underground.

One blogger has achieved a certain global fame (TT understands global fame like few others) with his We're Not Afraid. com site where he invites anyone and everyone to post their Photos of Defiance and Fearlessness.

Clearly these fearless folks are not among those that lifted bicycle sales in London by 50% in the last three weeks. Nor are they the folks that are packed into the lower decks of the famous red double deckers - leaving the upper decks, where wanna-be bombers tend to congregate, empty. Nor are the among those that mean calling for a cab - any time of day or night - means a minimum 1 1/2 hour wait!!!

Well, THEY may not be afraid - but TT is.

We aren't so much afraid of the bombers (we gave up public transport years ago when we noticed the propensity of non-deoderant wearers to flock to just modes of transport) as we are of the new policy to apprehend bombers - the Shoot to Kill Policy. Actually, it is the Stalk and Execute Anyone Wearing a Jacket we deem to Be Too Warm for the Season Policy.

Now, it has been a while since TT was mistaken for a 20-something Asian male but we too left our house last Thursday morning at 930am with a jacket on. Last time we looked, we couldn't be mistaken for a 20-something Brazilian electrician either but that doesn't stop us from worrying.

We take the point of the police (who seem to have missed the morning class on how to tell the difference between a Southern European and an Asian) that, shooting to kill is the only way to stop a suicide bomber. But we cannot help but wonder why these guys let their Quarry get on a bus for a 15 minute ride if he was suspected of having high grade explosives strapped to his body? And surely, in the bright sunshine of morning, it must have been apparent to even these Testosterone Fueled Souls that the Quarry was hardly of the right Ethnic Origin of those Wanna-Be Bombers captured on CCTV. OK, OK. They didn't want to be accused of ethinic profiling ---so they conducted an equal opportunity public execution (seven bullets to the head at close range qualifies as an execution in our book).

All those folks who photographically scream that they are NOT afraid can ring their bicycle bells, or toot their car horns in the mysteriously uber congested city traffic, all they want but TT IS afraid. We are doing all we reasonably can to protect ourselves and if that means wearing skimpy, body hugging transparent clothing and dying our hair orange - so be it. A girl has to do what a girl has to do!!!!!

TOO PRETTY FOR JAIL???

What is it about these people in Florida?

We seem to have an endless series of sexual predators on the loose and they cannot even vote properly - or count the votes that get cast.

Now we have a 'femme fatale' 24-year-old reading teacher who engaged in a sexual relationship with a 14 year old boy reject a plea deal because it meant too much jail time. Yeah, 24 year old guys who have sex with 14 year old girls go to jail my dear - it's called statuatory rape.

We have taken note of the young lady's lawyer though. We may need him.

He turned down various plea offers because they involved too much prison time and came up with the Mother of All Defences -' to place an attractive young woman in that kind of hell hole is like putting a piece of raw meat in with the lions'.

Ah, yes. The 'She is Too Pretty to Go to Jail' (feel disparaged Martha??) Defence. We hadn't fully apprecaited that only Ugly People should go to jail but we have taken note of it and, in the event that TT should commit some unspeakable act we plan to make a compelling 'She is too Pretty' Defence. Sure, we would have to drop a couple of pounds and do something about the cellulite and well, ok, the fine lines (we reject the word 'wrinkles') will have to be smoothed out a bit.

If you too are 'Too Pretty to Go to Jail' you may want this Fitzgibbons guy's telephone number - before he gets named to take over as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court!!!

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

Argh!!

Was it not enough that we were forced to watch the Pope and Terry Schiavo dying alternately?? Now, apparently we are going to be subjected to each twist and excruciating turn of Chief Justice Renquist's protracted exit from the bench.

We mean no disrespect, of course, but enough with the chemo, the surgery, the fevers!! But, since Renquist says he isn't retiring, looks like we will have 24/7 of Renquist's tortured clutch on the Court and speculation on his possible replacement will have to put on the camouflage gear.

TT has been quite amused by the machinations and spin on a possible replacement for Justice O'Conner (apparently she would prefer her demise to be off-camera and is retiring).

No sooner has current Attorney General Gonzales' name popped up than Right Wing Spinmeisters bash him as being too liberal (hmmm, is this the same Gonzales who declared the Geneva Convention to be 'quaint'??). More astonishing are Democrats who, after painting Gonzales as the devil incarnate and unsuitable to be Attorney General, now say he would be OK as a Supreme Court Justice. Go figure.

Sounds to us like the 'If Tom DeLay thinks he's bad, then we think he is Good' school of logic.

If Karl Rove weren't so busy disclosing the identities of covert CIA operatives we could almost buy into the theory that he cranked up his Buddies to attack Gonzales and generate Pavlovian Democratic support for
Alberto Gonzales. Yikes, have the Democrats become so easy to read?

TT thinks that they are all wasting their time.

Only yesterday Our Boy, Dubbya decided to mix things up a bit by declaring that he wouldn't necessarily pick anyone with experience.(Think about that one for a while....)

On the plus side, that opens up the field of Possibles. TT has it on very good authority that the short list of replacements for O'Conner (and Renquist, although no one can talk about that yet) include such obviously good candidates as Angelina Jolie, Bono and the Dark Horse, Paris Hilton. Only Hilton has the baggage of being 'experienced'.

TT has the perfect solution and we think Dubbya is listening. American Idol Judge, Paula Abdul will replace O'Conner and her fellow judge Simon Cowell replace the crusty Renquist. Should two other Justice's bite the dust, there are still two other Idol judges who are ready to step up to the plate. Sounds like a plan to us.

Check out the Supreme's In Waiting byCLICKING HERE.

WHERE'S OUR $32 MILLION????

Morgan Stanley shareholders and employees have their knickers in a twist.

Seems that the Co-Chair of Morgan Stanley honoured a signed agreement( (just weeks ago) that if he quit by August 3 he walks away with $32 million.

TT wants readers to know that for $32million we will quite TODAY!!!

We are a tad perplexed at the reaction of shareholders and employees though. Isn't it normal to get $32million when you quit???

Actually, it is a little curious that This Guy (Stephen Crawford) is the object of fury when The Other Guy (Philip Purcell) at Morgan Stanley got assistance in resigning a few weeks ago with a package worth $113.7million.

The Other Guy's 'departure' bonus is $43.7 million (plus $34.7 million in restricted stock). Makes TT look more and more like a bargain!!!

Funny shareholders and employees don't seem to have raised an eyebrow over The Other Guy's medical benefits of $250,000 (that's a lot of flue shots), his 'retirement benefits of $11million, the office and secretary (he is going to need someone to help him get out those cv's) and most curiously to TT--the agreement that Morgan Stanley will make $250,000 a year in charitable donations in his name. Good grief. Surely with $113 million the guy can spring for his own charibale donations??? And, isn't $250,000 just a tad stingy???

Our offer stands. For $32 million - wait, make that an even $30 million - we will resign and we will do it today.

To fully appreciate how Greed fits in to the Complete List of Deadly SinsCLICK HERE TO GET THE TRAVELLERS GUIDE TO HELL.

In the mean time - 'departure bonus' cheques, in any currency, should be sent (quickly please) to rootvegies@aol.com. We will be making our own charitable donations!!!!

G8 DECLARED A SUCCESS - PINK FLOYD REUNITED

Quite understandably, the results of the G-8 meeting were somewhat lost in the cacophony of bombings in London.

It is too bad that so many are ignoring the 'substantial' results of the meeting. Oh sure, Dubbya fell off his bike and it turned out that many of the leaders of the Western World don't actually play golf - they just play golfers on T.V. - but results were tangible and quantifiable. They deserve some attention.

On the sticky wicket of Aid to Africa, Tony Blair was able to announce that the leaders of 18 African nations will have their credit card debt 'forgiven' and be given Titanium Amex cards. A number of international aid organizations were critical saying it was all too little but sixteen pages of recruitment ads for 'relief organization executives' suggest otherwise. You have to hire a ton of people to wield those giant erasers.

Some have portreyed the Kyoto Treaty as dead. But a careful reading of the communiques suggests Kyoto is NOT dead. It may be torpid, cadaverous, inoperable, defunct, obsolete, spent or anaesthetized but it is NOT dead. So stop whinging Friends of the Earth. Tony Blair managed to get Dubbya to significantly recant his position on Global Warming - relinquishing his position as President of the Flat Earth Society.

Dubbya acknowledged that the earth is not flat -- it is crooked, inclinating, askew, diagonal, craggy and maybe even serrated but it is NOT flat. Environmentalists are such cynics - why is the glass always 3/4 empty for these guys? Dubbya even accepted that not all global warming can be attributed to farting cows and sheep - humans have a role in its insidious consequences too.

Quite rightly, Dubbya is reluctant to take concrete actions on global warming when the 'facts' and 'science' are still so squishy. No rush to judgement for Dubbya. It's not like the rest of the world wanted him to invade another country or something, this is serious stuff.

And finally, on perhaps the most significant element of the African initiative to end poverty - African access to US and EU markets for agricultural products - the results were stunning. Blair announced, on behalf of the group, that agricultural subsidies in the US and EU would be eliminated by 2491 A.D. (the date that most scientists belive is when hell will freeze over and a year before pigs can fly).

So, enough of the carping. Terrorist bombs cannot detract from the ringing successes of the G-8 wing ding . Surely they deserve some credit.

TT readers can reference the stunning successes of the G-8 meeting by CLICKING HERE ON G-8 BOOGIES TO SUCCESSFUL CONCLUSION. Anonymous sources, which TT will willingly reveal rather than go to jail, close to the summit, declared complete satisfaction with the summit. Said one, ' we have been working tirelessly for 20 years to get Roger Waters back in the Pink Floyd fold - this is a great, great vindication of all our work.'

TT SHARPENS EPEE FOR 2012 OLYMPIC BID

It's offical.

Bubble n'Squeek, Bangers and Mash, Beer and Baked Beans on toast have triumphed over Foie gras, Brie and Grand Cru Champagne. Poor Jacques Le Arrogant will have to eat his words along with his fish 'chips.

But TT isn't crying in our champagne, vodka or rioja -- we are embarking on an intense training programme to be ready for our participation in the 2012 Olympics. While we have aptitudes in many sports (we tend to excel the more stationery the sport), we have decided on Fencing. It seems just a hop skip and a jump from skewering people with words to an elegant lunge with an epee (sharp, pointy sword usually used in conjunction with a stunning form fitting suit).

Preparation for world class competitive sport requires a lot of discipline and preparation . The first step is to take a vacation and thoroughly nourish the body and soul.

After much consideration, TT has settled on an oft overlooked destination for our preparation - thanks to Veep Dick Cheney and a certain Republican Congressman. Guantanamo Bay is emerging as the top tourist destination on Traveller Magazine's 'Hot 100 List'.

Sure. TT, like many others, had considered Guantanamo a place where folks are incarcerated indefinitely in miserable conditions and even tortured (it has long been rumoured that guests are forced to listen to Jacques Chirac speaches and are confined to rooms decorated with life size pics of Tom DeLay and Howard Dean). Now we know these were all nasty rumours and we, and squillions of others, are poised to book ourselves into Guantanamo for an indefinite stay.

According to David Duncan (the Republican Gourmet Congressman) guests at Gitmo 'have never eaten better - they have never been treated better'. And, to prove his point, the Galloping Gourmet showed us a tray of lemon-baked fish and oven-fried chicken (no greasy oils) which he said was reflective of the Gitmo menu. Yum. Yum. He sure got our attention.

And, to seal the deal, Dick Cheney has pronounced Gitmo guests as 'very well treated. 'They are living in the tropics - they are well fed'.

OK. We are convinced - a one way (apparently it is not possible to obtain a return ticket) ticket to Gitmo sounds like Paradise to us. TT urges readers to go on down - we will join you later. Much later. Meanwhile, anyone got the recipe for that lemon-baked fish??? U.S. Naval Station - Guantanamo Bay, Cuba

HIRE THE RIGHT PERSON!!!!

Who says advertising doesn't work???

On the basis of one ad alone, TT is throwing ALL our recruitment business (vast) to California based, Accolo.

Of course, not every ad works. Take the Paris Hilton ad for some hamburger chain called Carl's (please, someone, TAKE the Paris Hilton ad). That's enough to make us give up hamburgers for life (if you haven't seen it all over the news then the finer points of the Accolo ad may be lost on you - more's the pity).

But, having seen the Accolo ad ('Hire the Right Person'), we have found a kindred spirit in Accolo. These folks get all our recruiting business - although hamburgers have suddenly lost their appeal.CLICK HERE AND SEE THE IMPORTANCE OF HIRING THE RIGHT PERSON - TT leaves it to readers to decide who was the better person to flog hamburgers!!!