BUSH TO INTRODUCE ICOSAHEDRON OF EVIL

TT has it on the best of authority that the Axis of Evil - identified by Dubbya as Iran, Iraq and North Korea- is to be retired.

Plans are now well underway to replace the outdated ,and all too confining Axis, with the 'Icosahedron of Evil'.

Sources tell us that the icosahedron (twenty sided geometric solid) of evil is much more representative, allowing for the inclusion of more Bad Boys. Syria, Cuba, Venezuala and France have already been awarded colourful slots on the icosahedron.

Discussion is still underway as to whether Hamas, Hezbollah and Al Quaeda will get slots. The State Department is resisting their inclusion, on the basis that the US does not recognize them and ' what we do not recognize, does not exist', said one source.

It was pointed out that even with the inclusion of Hezbollah et al, that still wouldn't quite reach the magic number of 20 needed for a perfect icosahedron. Unphased, anonymous sources expressed confidence the slots could easily be filled. 'We are finding more and more Evil every day', said our source. ' Russia certainly should watch its step.....', they said.

The Icosahedron of Evil is expected to be completed and launched at the next State of the Union address. 

SO TELL US SOMETHING WE DIDN'T KNOW....

Big Yawn.

It's official (People magazine says so).

Lance Bass. Gay at 27. (If you need to ask who Lance Bass is, go back to sleep!). 

U.S. DIPLOMACY IN ACTION

It is hard to say who was more surprised when Our Boy snuck up on Angela Merkel at the G-8 meeting and gave her shoulders/neck a rub (that is Angela Merkel, the Chancellor of Germany, not Angela Merkel who hoists beer mugs at Octoberfest).

Merkel herself seemed pretty surprised, as were her fellow G-8 leaders. And, the 9 squillion people who have seen the moments forever captured on film were also pretty surprised. Only Our Boy's Frat buddies said that it came as no surprise to them.

White House flaks have tried to put a good spin on things - suggesting it was part of Our Boy's new-found commitment to diplomacy.

Secret squirrel sources tell TT that this was but a dry run for what is likely to be an offer of full body massages to the leaders of Iran and North Korea if they will abandon their nuclear ambitions -- it's enough to make one wanna run out and acquire a nuclear arsenal! 

PRESSURE TO RENAME TOUR DE FRANCE BUILDS

TT hears that the French and Italians, among others, are fed up.

After Lance Armstrong won the Tours de France squillions of times, now another American has seized the title.

Pressure is building, given the American clinch on the Tours, to move and rename the Tours - rumour has it that Dubbya favours a move and renaming to the 'Tours de Crawford'.

Frankly, TT just doesn't get it. How does a country that specializes in taking a giant SUV a block to the corner store end up co-opting the world's premier cycling event?

Sure, Dubbya is a cycling fanatic - even leaving G-8 meetings and Middle East crises bubbling so he can put the helmet on and gear up. But it isn't as if Americans are clustered round their tvs to watch Sunday Night Cycling.

And what is it with these American cyclists names? Lance? Floyd? How many Americans do you know called Lance or Floyd??? Where are the Chips and Bobs and Buds? Indeed, where are the George's.

Is there something in the genes that turns people into great cyclists once their parents give them soppy names? Certainly augers well for Axel, one of Floyd Landis' team mates.

Meanwhile the Crawford Town Council is meeting to shore up its bid to move and rename the Tours and Dubbya clears his schedule for August (circumstances aren't likely to be right for a cease fire in the middle east before September anyway) so he and Floyd can pedal together (presumably with a bit of Pink Floyd on their respective i-pods). 

CONDI MAY EXPLORE BUFF ZONE IN MIDDLE EAST

And the bombs just keep raining down.......

Condi and her 'husband', George, talk about a ceasefire 'when the conditions are right'. Huh? What conditions? Deep discounted Ferragamo shoes?

US Ambassador to the UN, John The Walrus Bolton, has dismissed a ceasefire as 'simplistic'. Ah, yes John. It IS simple. Everyone stops shooting and bombing.

Word has it that Condi may head to the Middle East over the weekend to pursue some shuttle diplomacy a la Kissinger/Baker. Of course, diplomacy assumes you have someone to talk to. Last time we looked, the US wasn't talking to most of the parties involved or who have some influence on the situation. For 'shuttle diplomacy' you have to have points to 'shuttle' between.

Lots of talk about a 'non-simplistic' 'solution when those conditions are right. It would involve a 'buff zone' of 12 miles on the Israeli/Lebanon border (like 12 miles would make a difference) into which a UN 'peacekeeping' force would be implanted. Yoo hoo. Hate to tell you guys this but there IS a UN force on that border now and we can see how effective they have been..............

TT wants to know just who is going to volunteer to serve as the sandwich filling between Hezbollah and Israel. The Togo soccer team???

Talk about simplistic 'solutions'.

WHO KNEW????

So. Discovery and its crew have safely returned to Earth (the part that isn't at war with another part so pretty tricky re-entry).

One question.

Who knew it had left in the first place??? 

INSANITY!!!

TT can only shake our politically incorrect head in horror.

When will Israel finally figure it out? You can pulverize people and infrastructure but you cannot kill ideas. They only come back in a darker, more virulent shape and form.

Shame on the West for standing impotently behind the principle that if it is right 'to do' it is even more right to 'overdo'.

As Gaza is choked and strangled and Lebanon burns, no one should be surprised if the bones of Archduke Ferdinand are found in the rubble.

We despair. 

POLAND LAUNCHES TWIN INITIATIVES

Some observers have expressed surprise that Polish President Lech Kaczynski would appoint his twin brother, Jaroslav, to be the country's Prime Minister (the number two slot).

Not TT.

With a population of only 38.5 million people, how much choice did he really have??? Oh sure, it seems like only 8 months ago (but who is counting?) that President Kaczynski dismissed speculation that he might appoint his twin to the post. It would, after all, he said, 'send the wrong signal to the outside world'. Presumably, the 'inside world' would not misinterpret the signal!!

Frankly, we don't know what all the fuss is about. Dubbya can appoint mirror-images of himself and no one seems to find that strange.

Of course, it is a bit worrying to hear the rumours that Kim Jong Ill and leaders in Iran and Venezuala, among others, have just located long lost twin brothers but still somewhat less scary that the other rumours that Barbara Bush cryogenically froze Dubba's twin and he is due to be defrosted in 2008!! 

FLORIDA GRINCH TO SETTLE MEXICAN STANDOFF

Remember Katherine Harris???

Well, apparently she is back. TT has it on excellent authority that The Floriday Grinch (Queen of the Hanging Chad) is on her way to Mexico to help settle the Mexican Standoff in the Presidential Election results.

Filipe Calderon, the Dubbya of the Mexican election, 'won' by a margin of 243,000 votes and has said he sees no need for a recount (quel surprise!). He said the Courts will back his view.

However, if a recount is mandated, Colderon said he fully backs Ms Harris as the 'The Grinch for the Job'.

Mexico's Al Gore, Andreas Manuel Lopez Obrador (far too many names for a sitting President), is seeking a full vote by vote recount, claiming voter fraud and vote-buying (familiar ringing sound) by the Caulderon campaign.

The Courts apparently have until September to decide so we are told Al Gore has offered to be Acting President of Mexico until that time.

Funny. Neither candidate has lept to take Al up on his offer.............. 

KIMCHI MISSILE FIZZLES FOR LACK OF SESAME OIL

The North Korean Kewpee Doll (Jong Ill) launched his six missiles as promised but Alaskans can relax.

The feared Tai-Po-Dong 2 (not to be confused with the Tai-Po-Dong 1 or the really scary Guk 3) fizzled out (wink, wink) 30 seconds after lift off and a long long way from Alaska. But hey, how come Alaska wasn't under a 'red alert'? And what ever happened to those traffic signal warnings?? Is everything stuck at yellow??

Secret sources tell us that the North Koreans are still very pleased with the test results. The failure of the Tai-Po-Dong 2 (affectionately known as the Kimchee) was nothing more than a lack of sesame oil in the boosters. 'Next time we use more sesame oil' a Korean Rocket scientist told us. 'And, maybe we add garlic'.

Anyone for a little pul goki before the next round of platform shoe stomping?????? 

DUBBYA DOES DIPLOMACY

Stung by criticism that he and his administration have given short shrift to diplomacy, preferring the 'bomb big and bomb often' school of thought, Dubbya proved us all wrong last week.

Not all Roads Lead to Rome it would seem. Many lead to the new Diplomatic Epi-Centre of Graceland.

Dubbya escorted the aviator-glass sporting, imaginary guitar twanging, gyrating Elvis fan, out-going Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi to the King's time capsule - Graceland. Apparently, the trip was to reward the bouffant Elvis Groupie for his support over Iraq (the four Japanese soldiers have made quite a difference - imagine if they had carried weapons).

If only we had known. Maybe if Saddam had been invited to Graceland and offered peanut butter and jelly sandwiches the invasion of Iraq could have been avoided.

We understand that visits by the Iranian President and North Korean kupee doll are in the planning phases.......... 

WORLD ENDS

The world came to an end yesterday.

Not with a bang but with a whimper (and a ton of tears), and not in Gaza or some other troubled hot spot, but on a soccer field in Germany.

The lack-luster English team went head to head with the equally lack-luster Portuguese team in a nail-biting, cliff-hanging match which culminated in a penalty shoot out which England, ever consistent in such circumstances, lost.

And the world, as we know it, ended. We know that to be true as the ever understated British press have told us so. 'End of the World' screams the Sunday Express. 'The World Ends in Tears' the Independent tells us.

Is there anything sadder that a ton of muscularly perfect men sitting sobbing on a field in front of billions ?? Those finely honed bodies slumped over in surrender to their feminine side is enough to break your heart.

Of course the World Cup isn't actually over. The Evil Germans and the Slimy French are still lurking, as are the Portuguese lion-slayers, but England is draped in black today and for all intents and purposes -- the World has not just stopped, but Ended.