BUFFET TRIES TO UPSTAGE JOLIE

In a blatant ploy to upstage Angelina Jolie, Warren Buffett has caused a mini-tsunami by announcing that he is giving away his squillions of billions - to the impoverished Bill and Melinda Gates (ok, technically its going to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation).

Apparently Buffett has long been annoyed by Jolie's efforts to adopt a child from every impoverished nation on earth but really lost it when she confirmed this weekend that she gives away 1/3 of her grossly inflated income. Buffett's income, of course, is not grossly inflated.

So, as all the African nations with teams in the World Cup raced home to mount public relations campaigns designed to show off their orphans as the most underpriveleged, malnourished and deserving of a place in the Jolie-Pitt Global Instant Family, Buffett fired a shot across the bow.

TT is not so easily impressed.

We have already committed ourselves to giving away 98 percent of our fortune - we just have to figure out how to make it first!! 

'THE DECIDER' NOT AMUSED BY 'JOKER' TEMPER TANTRUM

Kim Jong Ill, Fashion Icon and Platform Shoe Maven, needs to be careful - very careful.

'The Decider', who happens to be President of the United States, is not amused by temper tantrums and threats to test long range missiles (which conveniently are advertised as capable of hitting Disneyland and environs).

The Platform Shoe Maven, also known affectionately as The Joker, is a tad teed off because the Decider has suggested he is ready to talk to The Crackpot running Iran these days, but not the Fashion Icon. And the Decider is ready to offer unlimited supplies of Platform Shoes and other yummies to get the The Crackpot to temper his nuclear ambitions. No Platform Shoes or Bell Bottom slacks appear on the Joker's goody list. So time for a temper tantrum and a convenient long range missile test.

But, the Joker had better watch himself. As the 'The Decider' ably demonstrated in Iowa - he can give a temper tantrum as good as he gets. So, The Joker had better be very very careful or, instead of a lifetime supply of polyester , he is likely to get an angry corn stalk in his face(one that's not earmarked for The Decider's fuel tank).

Such is the delicate calibration of international nuclear diplomacy!

SHE DOESN'T NEED YOU AND SHE SURE WON'T FEED YOU.....

Argh!

Paul McCartney turns 64 today. How can that BE???

If that is true, and apparently it is, then he wrote 'When I'm 64', THIRTY NINE years ago. As he 'celebrates' with a birthday BBQ (very age appropriate we would say), he at least has the answer to his question.

Having dumped the self-absorbed, self-promoting second wife Heather just weeks ago (FINALLY), he now knows she doesn't need him, although she does need a healthy chunk of that £800 million plus fortune. And, she certainly won't feed him (although rumour has it the shameless one tried to wangle an invite to the BBQ).

So, no valentine's, no birthday greetings and no bottle of wine. And, while the tabloids mulch 'Lady' McCartney (former hooker and porn model revealed through photographic evidence and sworn affidavits from eye witnesses, Macca is left to contemplate doing the garden and digging the weeds by himself (at least for now).

It took Macca four years to figure out what TT already knew and give the 'lady' her walking papers - now the only question is how much of the non-prenup protected squillions she gets to waltz off with.

But Enquiring Minds have only one question. Will he now stop dying his hair that horrid age -inappropriate rust/red colour?? Whatever the Witch manages to grab will still leave more than enough to get a decent colourist!!! 

WORLD TO STOP TURNING FOR A MONTH

It's started.

For the next month mega-billions of people around the globe(and 9 Americans) will be totally immersed in the World Cup (if you are thinking downhill skiing, you must be American).

From Manchester to Mumbai it is one big football (ok, soccer) orgy. Parliamentary debates are being rescheduled around the 'footie' schedule and at least 5 billion are expected to turn over their day to day lives to the spectacle of lean, muscular young men kicking balls around. National pride is on the line here - everything else comes second for the next month.

Already, England is awash in the red and white Saint George's flag and the nation has been riveted for the past ten days on the fate of Wayne Rooney's foot. Rooney, a star 'striker' (no, we don't actually know what that is but we know it's important) broke his metarsal and his ability to carry the flag for England has been an open question. Can he play? Will the bone be heeled in time? The nation is holding its collective breath.

Those that demean the football frezy as a jock's frenzy ignore the fact that because of Wayne Rooney's foot, squillions of Brits from top drawer CEO's to chippee shop owners are now totally versed in the nuaces of the metarsal bone (it is in the foot) and the technical limitations of the metarsal scan.

The only nagging question is what will America do while the rest of the world comes to a halt for the next month?? We worry.

It would seem that even in sport, America marches to its own tune.

Meanwhile......GOAL!!! 

HOLLYWOOD STARTS CALLING THE SHOTS

There may be a glimmer of hope now that Hollywood has taken over Dubbya's agenda.

All devotees of West Wing know that Senator Arnold Vinnick (the Republican candidate who was made almost likeable by the ferociously Democratic West Wing script writers) had big problems with his polling numbers in his race for the Presidency.

As he trailed Democratic contender Jimmy Smits - er, something or other De Santos - by 9 points, his worried consultants give him some hard facts of life. He has got to start talking out against gay marriage and 'rally the base'. He needs to remind 'the base', the consultants tell him, that he is 'their guy'.

Hmmmm. Now with Dubbya's poll numbers sinking faster than the Titanic, what do we have?? Dubbya rallying for a constitutional ammendment to ban gay marrige (deafeated, for now, by a measly single vote). Like this is in the top 4million issues confronting America!!!!

You know things are bad when the Neocons can come up with nothing better than plagerizing West Wing scripts. Viewership may have fallen off but do they really think no one would notice???

Ah well, the good news is that Vinnick loses the White House!!! 

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN (A GUY)...

As the famous philosopher, Percy Sledge once said - 'when a man loves a woman (or a guy), can't keep nothin' else on his mind'.

And, 'if she (he) is bad, he can't see it....she (he) can do no wrong'.

Just when we thought that Dubbya/Alberto was the 'real thing' , we have to admit - we may have been wrong( but, come on, if that isn't the look of love on those two faces, we don't know what is).

It would seem that there ARE limits to Alberto's love.

He has put his job on the line over a matter of principle! Oh, not as one might guess over the acceptability of torture (it isn't torture if it doesn't happen on American soil) , extraordinary renditions (also known as kidnapping), 'black sites' (also known as torture pits where the kidnapped can be sent and no one will know), eavesdropping and sucking up the phone records of tens of millions of Americans, Guantanamo Bay (every country needs a place they can hold people forever without trial and not tell anyone they are there).

No. Alberto has drawn his line in the silt with raiding a Congressman's office. Huh?? He isn't ready to quit over torture but he is ready to quit over some guy who had $90,000 stuffed in his freezer????

For the record, TT sees no reason why the feds shouldn't be able to serve a search warrant on someone who has already been found with all that ill gotten moolah in their freezer next to the fish fingers. They did ask him first.

And what is it with these Democrats. Of all the list of things they could be outraged about what do they choose to elevate to top billing? Raiding a crooked Congressman's office!! Give us a break - please.

But back to Alberto. We had thought he was ready to do anything for 'love' but clearly even the bewitched, bothered and bewilderd Alberto has his limits. And a good thing too. Dubbya is back on his 'nix gay marriage' amendment to the Constitution so it was a love that was not meant to be.

Best to just move on, say we. 

JUAN VALDEZ MAY SUE FOR GENDER AND AGE DISCRIMINATION

Juan Valdez is hanging up his pancho!

After more than 40 years as the face of Columbian coffee, not to be confused with Kate Moss - the face of another important Columbian export, Valdez has announced he is retiring.

The search for a replacement is in high gear and Penelope Cruz, who recently escaped a life as Tom the Tooth Cruise's empty vessel for his Alien Spawn, is rumoured to be a favourite.

Critics note that she is not Columbian but a large survey of Immigration Officials at Miami International Airport showed 99.9% believe she is indistinguishable from a Columbian (or Equadorian, or Guatamalan, or Mexican, or Peruvian, or..........).

Although Coffee Cartel spokespeople insist Valdez' retirement is voluntary, an associate of Valdez tells us he may sue for gender and age discrimination if Cruz gets the nod.

'At 71 years of age, of course my pancho is sagging,' he has said.

Voluntary or not, Valdez is heading for the Icon Oblivion Anti-Chamber, along with the 'where's the beef?' lady, The Partridge Family and hula hoops. We just wish we could patent the Icon Oblivion pill so we could give it to Britney and her repulsive spouse, Paris and all other Hiltons, Brangelina and their various progeny, and...well, the list is a long one...........