TT TO LAUNCH DECK OF PLAYING CARDS

When it comes to assessing America's views on the war in Iraquistan, TT ignores the polls.

In the bastion of free enterprise, TT thinks the market place is still the best barometer of what 'the masses' are thinking. Remember the famous deck of cards - now with a few cards missing? Well, greatusaflags.com, producer of the only 'registered' Iraqi cards distributed to the Coalition of the Willing, Cajoled and Coerced, is now selling on line for only $5.95 (reduced from $6.95) and the e-Bay auctions (for those that didn't know they could just buy them from the company that makes them) have slowed to a dribble.

Clearly, the American public is quickly losing interest (of course, they never even got the Afgahnistan cards to market,- so fleeting was the interest in that little hornet's nest).

But, the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well. Already, one can now buy playing cards of the California Recall Candidates (ya, there are too many to fit on one deck so the jokers are jammed with the names of the more 'peripheral' candidates- like Beige Davis.)

As a sterling example of Hillary's ability to engender certain emotions, NewsMax.com is selling a deck of Hillary cards at $14.95. It features a remarkable array of some of Hillary's most notable quotes and perhaps the most unflattering collection of photos ever assembled of a single person.CHECK OUT THE 10 OF SPADES BY CLICKING HERE.

And, if this rubs your political stripes the wrong way you can now go to the producers of Battlestar Galactica, Nitestar Productions, and pick up a deck featuring the likes of Dick Cheney and Anne Coulter. Maybe sales of these could be used to defray the $87 (for now) billion price tag for 'rebuilding' Iraq?

In the interim, TT is planning to launch our own deck of cards, featuring TT in a variety of flattering poses (dim lighting and candlelight features prominently). TT readers will be able to purchase advance copies (they will make a lovely gift for the holiday season) for the low, low price of $44.85. We figure TT is worth at least three times what Hillary is worth!!

Advance orders can be placed (and, if you must, readers' views can be expressed) by contacting rootvegies@aol.com. We do not expect these cards to be available it this special deep discount price for long, so be sure and place your orders early!!

DUMPED DIVA CONNED

Sifting through the important developments in the Ben-Lo/Jen-Fleck implosion, TT has unearthed astonishing information.

It would appear that Jen-Fleck is not the shrewd businesswoman she is portreyed as being. The Dumped Diva (DD) is renting a house in Winnipeg while filming her next home video. Now, after Jiggly (also known as Gigli) you would have thought that any film that uses Winnipeg as its filming venue should set off big red flashing lights. But, clearly undaunted the DD is plunking down $8000(US) a month for her rented digs.

Poor Bunny!! For $8000(US) you can BUY Winnipeg - all of it. In fact, throw in another $1000 (US) or $35.000 Canadian and you can buy Manitoba, and half of Saskatchewan. TT is busily preparing a dossier of real estate that we would like to pitch to the DD...clearly this is a mark that is toooooo tempting to pass up!!

CHUBBY BALLERINA STRAINS TUTU

So, Elephantine Ballerina, Anastasia Volochkova has been fired by the Boshoi Ballet. It would seem that at 5'6 and 109 pounds (we know because the New York Times measured her) the Chubby Diva had caused injury to her partner due to her excessive weight and now no one wants to partner with her.

Now, last time TT looked, 5'6 and 109 pounds qualified as having 'sparrow', 'elf' or 'miniature person' status.

Needless to say, TT felt it important to check out what other tippie- toed divas weighed in at and found that Margot Fonteyn was 5'4 and weighed in at a crushing 112 pounds. And, Suzanne Farrel a near giant at 5'6 and 115 pounds (how has anyone survived a triple sow cow with her? or, is that figure skating). Apparently, even though they must have gone through a lot of partners, their enormous girth did not appear to have precluded sterling careers.

TT finds it just a tad odd that in a nation which is not exactly noted for its sveltness (borscht may be a vegetable but it isn't exactly a diet food and ooooh, that vodka can really pack on the pounds when you drink it by the keg) they cannot seem to find a sturdy enough partner to lift the diva without injury.

Even more interesting to TT is the Pravda report (yes, its still around), which doesn't even mention the chubbette's weight problem - of course, we were only able to check out the English language version. The Pravda report says SHE wouldn't extend her contract beyond the end of the year and had some 'requirements' that clearly didn't sit well with the Bolshoi. The 'Evil Empire' (the first one- amazing how when one Evil Empire falls, another pops up to take its place!!) may have collapsed but some things are slow to change it would seem.

TT is just very grateful that TT wasn't fired every time one of our co-workers was unable to lift us!!!Cc

EVEN GREY MEALS MUST BE PAID FOR

Turnip Top is scratching our topknot.

GDG (Greedy Dickie Grasso) stands ready to get an additional $58million as part of severance(how come he is getting severance compensation if he 'resigned'?). Just in case you have lost track of all those squillions, this is in addition to the $189 million, minus the $48million he elected not to 'accept'. Any way you count it, its over $200million. Nice work if you can get it.

Even Jessica Lynch is getting $1million for' her'story of a wrong turn (which she cannot remember) and "sexed up" rescue from the clutches of ....well, Iraqi doctors and patients. (Just for the record, we would rather she got $58 million severance from the Army than GDG rake in yet more sheckels!)

And, the more than 1600 wounded in Iraq, are being told they must reimburse the military $8.10 for every meal they get while in hospital.......

In fairness, the hospital meal reimbursement (seems like a lot for grey food) is a policy that dates back to the early 80's but TT thinks someone just might want to have a re-think on this one!!

,TASTE TREATS TO DIE FOR

TT's worst fears seem to be coming true. Ben-Lo and Jen-Fleck appear to be reconciling (at least if we had had the wedding we could have fast forwarded to the divorce and all its nasty little secrets).

Instead, it appears that we are going to have to endure more Benifer until we get to the good stuff. We did rather like the fact that their first 'public' appearance since "The Drama" was applying for a gun license in Georgia. Frankly, if we were Ben-Lo, we don't think that, after pulling the plug on the wedding, we would want Jen-Fleck, me and a loaded gun in the same place at the same time.

Nothing for us to do but snack.

Needless to say, a good satisfying snack does not include carrot or celery sticks.

Just as our Jen-Ben snack attack hit us, we happen apon a story about the American Beef industry's new genius idea - no, not McGriddles, that's McD's genius artery clogger.

Apparently neither heartened by the millions of Atkins diet adherents who are scarfing down beef in record breaking quantities, nor deterred by screaming headlines about the obesity crisis, the beef industry is introducing something called cheeseburger fries.

Cheeseburger fries took two years to develop, roughly the same amount of time as it takes to develop a cure for a rare tropical disease (we wonder if this makes them eligible for a Nobel Prize?)

The original idea was to make pre-cooked patties that tasted llike a cheeseburger by combining beef and cheese. Given the complexities involved in making a cheese burger, TT is surprised work in this area didn't start some time ago. Clearly the world needs a less complicated means of getting cheeseburger satisfaction.

Unfortunately, it would seem that this rather unappetizing mixture of cheese and ground beef was - well, unappetizing. TT wonders how much money it took before they figured that out. We could have told them that for free.

This culinary misstep had a happy ending though as it lead to the development of cheeseburger fries.

The fries look like your regular Politically Correct Freedom Fries but are made from a "meat and cheese compound" (we guess that is different from the unappetizing mixture of meat and cheese that was discarded).

These breaded deep-fried taste treats are described by the beef industry as "surprisingly light"(TT assumes that this judgement has been made by those comparing them with a McGriddle)and weigh only one ounce. Of course, they neglect to mention that no one in recorded history has ever eaten one ounce of anything- ever. They also are quietly understated about the FOUR grams of fat in each of these fries. Makes the McGriddle look like yoghurt!! And, in response to the "obesity emergency" among kids - the industry is making fries specially for schools - each of these taste treats will have SIX grams of fat. Huh? These folks must also be the guys who gave GDG (Greedy Dickie Grasso) his compensation package. They just don't get it!

At least these teeny girth busters must be pretty tasty we would have thought. On the other hand. when even its inventors describe them as "not distinctly beef" but imparting the "lingering flavoring of processed cheese"....... Hmmm. We think we are grateful for the fact that they are only available in the gastronomical epi-centres of Nebraska, Minnesota and Texas - for now.

Any doubts we had about these unappetizing appetizers were quickly resolved when TT discovered they are being produced by Advance Foods - those fine people who produce yummy foods for America's military (think "breaded beef for Smothered Swiss Steak" and "Partially Cooked Solid Muscle Veal Cutlet").

Clearly, TT is going to have to face the Ben-Jen meldownathon with our old standby - popcorn - we can have salt AND butter and still be in the 'health food' zone in compariosn to McGriddles and Politically Correct Cheeseburger Fries!

GRASS IS GREENER WHEREVER YOU CAN FIND IT

TT has decided to waive $48 million in deferred compensation.

Of course, unlike Greedy Dickie Grasso (GDG), our compensation is deferred until 8732 but we think it still makes an important statement.

It is unclear to TT what lessons GDG will eventually draw from his implosion. For the moment, his one public acknowledgement that there might be something wrong with his $189 million compensation package, was to say he made a mistake in taking the $135 million plus, NOW. Gee, TT thinks that just maybe GDG doesn't get it!!

Last night, the Board of 'the Big Board' voted (13 to 7) to ask GDG to resign. Hmmm. We wonder if those 7 supporters might just happen to be members of the Over-Compensation Committee.... One can only imagine what GDG's comfortable little contract might have entitled him to if he had been 'fired'!! We suspect that multiple multipliers would have kicked in and his severance probably would have been closer to the $87billion Dubbya wants for Iraqistan.

One lesson we think GDG will learn (quickly) is that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. In his case, the grass couldn't possibly be any greener. He has just left the mother of all green pastures. But, something tells TT he has known that for some time.

But, lets not cry for Argentina or GDG. The GLG (Greedy Little Grassos) are unlikely to go without food on the table or have to clear trays at MickeyD's to help pay college tuition. GDG will have at least $140 million to cushion the fall from the golden pedestal he erected for himself (the 9/11 memorial plaque at the NYSE doesnt say, NYSE or some equivalent, it is signed Richard Grasso!!! Hello? Do we detect a certain consistency of arrogance?)

Of course, in the days leading up to the implosion there were a few defenders (we suspect we would find them to also be outrageously over-compensated). They pointed to how GDG got the Stock Exchange up and running again so quickly after 9/11. Excuse us if we are underwhelmed. Rudy got a whole big complicated city up and running. Thousand of firefighters, police emergency workers, businesses and ordinary folks performed heroic acts and mobilized themselves and others to 'get things running'. We didn't notice any of those folks raking in $30 million and hiding it in the bowels of an arcane contract and incestuous relationships. Of course, it's not just the $189 million package(outrageous by itself) but the lack of transparency, the hypocracy in keeping hidden what he/they were demanding others reveal and, of course, blatant in your face conflict of interest.

But, in fairness to GDG, one of his supporters pointed out what a great guy he is. He bought $50,000 worth of tickets to a fundraiser (do we smell tax deductible) and gave the tickets to a bunch of teachers. Again, TT is a tad underwhelmed. We aren't sure what percentage of $189 million, $50,000 is but ---- NOT MUCH! But..apples and oranges, Escobar and Gotti did things for the community too.

But, if that Board thinks that GDG's resignation 'with regret' (we are sure THAT is true) is the last, we think they are WRONG again - and so they should be. TT says, lets start with the 7 who voted to support GDG staying in his job. They don't get it either. Then let's move to the OOCC (Outrageous Over-Compensation Committee), unless of course those 7 votes should just happen to be the OOCC. Co-incidences DO happen.

Then, lets move to much of the rest of the Board, now shaking their heads and complaining they didn't know how big the package was and it was all so complicated they didn't understand the size of the comensation package they were approving. Poor dumb bunnies, how do they manage to run those big companies? Hey folks (shades of a certain Mr Ebbers and a certain Mr. Lay), get with the programme. This is an abdication of duty and responsibility and most of them should go too.

So, to demonstrate how strongly we feel about this, TT will waive $48 million in compensation. Unlike GDG, that $48 million is it for TT. Of course, in the interests of full disclosure we will admit to accepting a few 'gifts' (Fractional Ownership in a couple of yachts and a Vera Wang Dress, a few islands -tiny ones and mostly Canadian, and some 'bling bling' - mostly Harry Winston and some Bulgari). So, now the ball is in the OOCC and Board's court to do the right thing and clean up the act!!!


NOTE: Having waived $48 million in compensation, TT will accept the spontaneous outpouring of gifts (we can provide a list of emporiums where TT is registered). Contact us at rootvegies@aol.com to minimize duplication.

SODALINGERS GO CRAZY IN MIDDLE AMERICA

TT was so preoccupied with world events (translation: Ben-Lo/Jen-Fleck nuptuals - not) we completely missed the Lawn Mower Racing Championship in Glenview, Illinois(America's Grassroots motorsport which continues to mow and grow - we swear, we didn't make this up).

Frankly, we had no idea there was an association (actually, many of them) and a full programme of events throughout the country. Yes, these folks (they call themselves 'sod slingers') race lawnmowers, reaching up to speeds of 60 mph and consider themselves to be the "cutting edge" of motor sport (of course, they remove the blades before racing - it isn't, after all, a blood sport).

It would seem that "grasslethetes" compete all over the country (America - we don't think there are too many lawnmower races being held in Italy!!). And, like any sport, heros emerge. We are intrigued by such 'Mowtor Sport' mega-heros as 'Sodzilla', 'The Turfinator' and 'Geronimow'. We suspect they may well be among the 265 candidates for the Governorship of California.

This is serious business. People get married on their mowers (the bride wore faux grass and the groom was adorned in a green sequined jacket). The Discovery Channel has aired a documentary on the 'sport': "Turf Rockets: The Cutting Edge".

A representative of the USLMRA (US Lawn Mowing Racing Association) put it in perspective for us: " Lawn Mowing embodies the core values of America(family, ingenuity and too much leisure time)"

With the Jen-Fleck/Ben-Lo feeding frenzy, TT was glad to be reminded that it is a big world and, thankfully, not everyone is consumed with glitz and artiface (do we sound just a wee bit insincere here?).

TT readers who might fancy becoming the next "Sodzilla", shouldCLICK HERE AND CHECK OUT THE USLMRA site for events - remember, life is not a spectator sport!! Crank up those mowers and forget the tawdry tedium of Jen/Ben -get in touch with your roots!!




NOTE: TT readers who wish to report on their lawn mowing expoloits can do so at rootvegies@aol.com. TT would love to join you but unfortunately we are going to be pretty busy negotiating 'Fractional Ownership' of that Vera Wang dress!!

PUT US OUT OF OUR MISERY - BRING ON THE DIVORCE

No one is more disappointed than TT that the Jen-Fleck/Ben-Lo wedding has been postponed/cancelled. (Of course it could all be a ploy and Baghdad Bob may just be spinning us).

TT's investigative team is hot on the trail of the facts but from where we sit now, it looks like the wedding is off (at least for now).

Pity. Of course, we weren't so much interested in the wedding but you have to have one of those to get to the divorce which is where you get the really interesting stuff.

Anyone who reads the Enquirer, Star, People, Globe, the Atlantic Monthly or the Economist knows all the details of the wedding already (well, ok...the Atlantic Monthly and Economist have been a bit shy on details but you get the point.)

We already know about the $300,000 Vera Wang wedding dress (that didn't fit), the Montecito hillside luxe venue for 500 of their intimate friends, the head gear that percipitated a J-Lo temper tantrum, the Mother of the Diva dress that came in the wrong colour and size, etc etc etc. But we needed that wedding to get to the you know what.

If initial reports are correct (weekends tend to be tough for investigative teams) the wedding is "off", not postponed, which probably means we will get dragged through endless reconciliations and separations before we can get to the wedding and, eventually, THE DIVORCE (all those nasty little secrets that we relish). Of course, if the nuptials are really "off" as in "off", that raises the dreaded spectre of even more Benifer - healing the wounds, moving on and (GAG)endless new 'soulmates' for both.

So, did Jen-Fleck blow a fuse over Ben-Lo's night out with the strippers when Ben joined an illustrious group of people (including a former President) who don't consider oral sex to be, well, you know....sex. Or, was it Ben's gambling (bad boy!!!) or did he flunk sartorial splendour school (he certainly has been looking uncomfortable in those P-Diddy outfits).

Of course, we cannot preclude the fact that Ben-Lo may have concluded that marrying a self-absorbed Conglomerate who sheds husbands as easily as she sheds clothing, throws out his clothes and won't let him leave generous tips, just might be a bit repressive over time.

One thing we KNOW is not true is the official announcement of the 'postponement' due to all the media interest!! Media boredom more like it. If JFK Jr and whatsher name could manage a quiet wedding then we think Bennifer could- if they wanted. But they are professional celebrities now. Ben-Lo hasn't done anything remotely 'interesting' since Good Will Hunting (makes you wonder how much was Ben and how much was Matt). And, Jen-Leck well whatever 'talent' she may have had as a singer is now eclipsed by the job of being J-Lo Inc. Postponement due to media frenzy (PULEEEEZE).

The TT investigative team is on the case, disappointed as we are that we cannot, for the moment, stock the larder with popcorn for the Divorce.

We WOULD however like to take some "Fractional Ownership" (TT readers know what THAT is all about) in the Vera Wang dress (it wasn't white, so very multi-functional) or perhaps the mega mansion and island (well, mini-island) they bought together. Or, perhaps the Rolls Royce or "bling bling" like the Harry Winston pink diamond, although it is smaller than the one Kobe gave Vanessa! It will help with the disappointment (TTs!!)

FRACTIONAL OWNERSHIP OF THE BIG AND OPULENT

TT needs diversion!!

Developments in Iraqistan go from bad to worse and now we have the Israelis apparently taking strategic advice from the Music Industry. "Remove Arafat"? Seems to TT that with that announcement they have already 'removed' him from ever increasing obscurity back to being the centre of attention. THE obstacle to peace and security ? Oh, that the elimination of one man (and a democraticly elected one at that) could make so much of a difference. If it were only that simple...Sure, let's really inflame the entire region just to shake things up a bit!!

So, TT went in search of diversion and we found it!!

A few weeks ago we found that it was possible to buy an island on the internet and now, again thanks to the internet, we find that we can buy a "time share" in a yacht ( perfect for visiting a newly purchased island).

It isn't actually called "time-sharing" (that has such a low brow connotation for such a high-roller activity). It is called Fractional Ownership (TT loves the lingo). "Oh, this Armani? I Fractionally Own the sleeve!"

It would seem that those of us who find the prospects of a $1million investment and $100,000 annual maintenance costs prohibitive (TT sure does, we could buy an island or two for that), yacht-sharing(oops, we mean Fractional Ownership) is only a whisker away.

For only $186.000 a share (and $1,450 a month maintenance) you can get 28 days of yacht time on a 62 foot Fairlane Squadron (and that includes not only the captain and upkeep but, importantly, flat-screen satellite TVs and a Sony Playstation).

TT is rather taken by the Azimut yacht which, in addition to the four bedrooms (for winners of the TT readers of the Year Award), has a captain, mate and chef - if 'appropriate'. How can a chef NOT be appropriate.

Of course, the Azimut - all 85 feet of it - is a tad more expensive: $425,000 for a share and $2,600 in monthly maintenance (it does have a Playstation, though). For those who may be considering purchasing Fractional Ownership as a small gesture of appreciation (hint) for TT, you will be interested to know that "innovative pricing options" are available that permit you to minimize your upfront costs!

As the holiday (ie gift giving) season approaches,CHECK OUT YACHT SMART(at fractionalyacht.com) We can easily see Turnip Top discreetly imprinted along the sleek bow of the Azumut (and if you buy now, you get to go on a trip to the manufacturing facilities in Italy!). To avoid duplication, those wishing to shower TT with yacht time, should write to rootvegies@aol.com and indicate which boat and how many weeks/months you intend to bestow. Details of the TT Reader of the Year Competition have yet to be worked out but when they are, you will be the first to know!!

MUSIC INDUSTRY LAUNCHES SUBTLE SELF DESTRUCT STRATEGY

The music industry has struck another blow to the forces of evil!!

As part of their shrewd self-destruction strategy ("Sue Your Customers"), the industry (read record companies who don't actually make records any more) filed suit earlier this week against 261 evil doers who have been 'illegally' sharing music files through the internet.

The industry claims that illegal file sharing has been responsible for a more than 30% drop in sales since mid 2000. Outrageous pricing practices of course have had nothing to do with the industry's plight, any more than obscene industry executive compensation packages or excessive trappings of stardom (the executives, not the writers or musicians). Nor does it have anything to do with the fact that the industry has chosen to fight technology rather than embrace it or that it continues to defend a deeply flawed business model. It's those evil file sharers!

TT, for one, will sleep better knowing that SOMEONE is going after these hardened criminals. Bring on the white hats! The industry says it is targeting the worst of the worst - the "major offenders".

The first of these suits got settled out of court yesterday. The evil doer was a hardened 12 year old Honours Student from the Upper West Side in New York. Clearly evil can lurk beneath the most innocent looking of exteriors. Thank goodness the music industry has such great insight and determination. Goodness knows what this girl would do if left unchecked. She settled the suit out of court yesterday for $2000. Actually, we suspect her parents probably did the settling as it would take quite a while for a 12 year old to save that much from her allowance - even if she is a spoilt little Honours student. Oh, and what did this Child Monster download, well sure pop music but also that criminal rallying chant, "If You're Happy and You Know It".

All of this of course is to help the artists (wink, wink) reap their just rewards. Hey, TT has seen "In the Shadow of Motown" - we know how the record companies reward most artists.

At least the industry showed some smarts in settling this particular suit (only 260 others left). Some bright spark probably finally figured out that the spector of a 12 year girl being grilled on the witness stand by the likes of Mark Gerigos or Johnny Chochrane probably wouldn't look so good. We wonder how soon it will be before the suits against other evil doers like the 11 year old from Florida or the 71 year old grandfather from Texas will be settled.

Of course this now makes a parent's life even more complicated. Now they have to add file sharing to the list of "things you need to have a conversation with your children about" (sex, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, sex, file sharing, sex).

At least the industry hasn't followed up (yet) on the suggestion of well known song writer US Senator Orin Hatch. In June, he suggested that, after two warnings, file sharers' computers should be destroyed by remote control. Huh? Just what files has HE been sharing?

TT was mildly interested in how the industry media was reporting the story of the suits so we went to Billboard on- line to see how the story was being played when the industry controls the spin. Well, imagine our lack of surprise to discover that to get to the story, you need to be a subscriber (on or off line) for the modest price of $54.95 (US) a year. TT may have an interest in the industry spin but not THAT much interest. What is wrong with an industry that sues its customers, includes 11 and 12 year olds in its sphere of the worst of the worst and even charges people who might actually try and read their side of the story? The words GREED and MYOPIA certainly spring to mind.

TT readers who want to look into the face of evil canCLICK ON 12-YEAR-OLD SETTLES MUSIC SWAP LAWSUIT.





NOTE: As always, TT readers views can be sent into the great abyss at rootvegies@aol.com.

SPUN GOLD

So, the Jessica Lynch spin juggernaut continues. Now it seems that the 19 year old army clerk from Palestine, West Virgina is going to get $1million for her story to be turned into a made for TV movie.

Now, TT doesn't want to be mean (well, TT IS mean) but don't we already know the story (both versions)? Since Jessica Lynch apparently cannot remember what happend to her, $1 million seem like a lot of money for a wrong turn in the desert that you cannot remember?

TT has taken many wrong turns but to date, no one has offered us a million dollars for the details. Of course, Jessica Lynch is worth $1 million to the US military 'spin' machine. If she remembered anything she would be a lot less valuable. Conveniently, US military 'researchers' will help her fill in the blanks - blanks we feel sure will dovetail nicely with the now debunked Pentagon version of events.

Now, TT is glad to see a young woman from the nether regions of DeliveranceLand(we can even hear that banjo!) get money that will enable her to acquire an education and escape sthe poverty and lack of opportunity that put her in the military in the first place. But, frankly we think being the pawn of the US military "spin machine" is worth a lot more than $1million.

We now know that the 'stab and bullet wounds' that the US military reported after her rescue didn't exist. That is not to say, of course, that she didn't sustain serious injuries and doesn't still face a long recovery process. People do get seriously hurt in car accidents so her injuries cannot be minimized but bullet holes? stab wounds? We notice the military isn't mentioning them any more.

Then of course there is the daring midnight raid by Navy Seals and Army Rangers who just happend to have a night vision TV-broadcast- compatible- camera rolling while they smashed into the hospital. The initial reports of fighting off fedayeen in a ferocious gun battle have now of course also been debunked. Turns out Iraqi soldiers took her to the hospital where doctors gave her good care and the fedayeen had long since departed the hospital, leaving some frightened patients and a few doctors.

The lawyer who reportedly risked life and limb to lead Seals to Lynch is now comfortably ensconced in Washington, DC with a book deal worth about half of what Lynch got. Conveniently omitted from the "spin" version is the fact that medical staff had tried to deliver Lynch by ambulence to the Americans but turned back when the American soldiers opened fire on them. That would have made a much less compelling propoganda piece.

None of this diminishes the bravery of those that took part in the rescue. TT thinks you have to be brave, at least to some degree, just to be in Iraq at all - but the fact is, the real story is pretty mundane and the "spin" story does a disservice to all except the "spinners".

The Jessica Lynch saga is consumate and masterful "spin" which helped the Pentagon overshadow less uplifting events - like finding the bodies of nine murdered servicemen. What is amazing (well, actually not so amazing) to TT is how the mainstream media has soaked up the spin in such a non-critical fashion.

We are sure that there are hundreds and hundreds of stories of bravery, daring and heartbreak in Iraq - real stories. And we are equally sure that there are more interesting stories - real stories. For example, why have we not heard more about the African-American single mother of two and cook for the US military who was captured and held in an Iraqi prison for weeks? What about those daring fighter pilots (male and female) or the special ops types?

When there are clearly many many stories of individual and collective bravery, triumph and tragedy everyone seems content to settle for the manufactured icon (jessica lynch fridge magnets can be bought for $5 on e-Bay), edited tapes of a well-executed but grossly exaggerated rescue and spin, spin and more spin. Seems like in these days of 'reality' tv, folks would still prefer to have their 'reality' manufactured and scripted.

Even when BBC journalist, John Kampfer, meticulously dissected the offical version of 'the story'and discrepencies with the facts, the US mainstream media left it largely ignored and continue to lap up the Pentagon-dispensed spin (the real Jessica Lynch story is all about spin), demeaning the untold stories of many brave people and stories.

TT reader's who missed Kampfer's report can read about it on the BBC web page by CLICKING ON SAVING PRIVATE LYNCH STORY FLAWED and where you can also access the t ranscript of the BBC documentary dissecting the events as happened - and -as 'spun'.



NOTE: TT readers who wish to communicate their views (spun or unspun) can do so by addressing themselves using rootvegies@aol.com

BLING BLING IS MORE THAN JUST A BIG ROCK

Turnip Top has always been a highly sought after Scrabble partner but no amount of enticements can lure us to the Scrabble table - for the moment - at least until we have finished reading Dorling Kindersley's Illustrated Dictionary (we like to think of ourselves as a 'visual' thinker and we Do like books with pretty pictures).

We aren't quite sure who Dorling Kindersley is or even whether Dorling is male or female (or some hybrid) but we are a fan of Dorling's books. The travel books are great but oooooh the 'Barbie Fashion Doll Sticker Book' is a treasure and we have been kept up nights with'1001 Facts about Rocks and Minerals' or the other pot boiler in the series,'1001 Facts About Forensic Science'.

Dictionaries are, of course, the eternal source of dissent among scrabble players. Whether or not a dictionary 'recognizes' a word as a word or how it is spelled can make the difference between demolishing your opponents or just simply squashing them. Horrid little tomes like the 'Scrabble Dictionary' are reviled by TT, replete with words like 'bo' and 'jo'. Duh!

Naturally, TT lept to get a look at the new Dorling Kindersly's Illustrated Dictionary which, in addition to having pictures (helps with the tedium that comes with players who take FOREVER to make a move), is published in conjunction with the Oxford English Dictionary (the only really acceptable judge and jury for sorting out scrabble conundrums).

Last published in 1998, TT was curious to see what new words had made the 'cut' - and we have found quite a few. This is no 'urban dictionary' - a catalogue of rap gobbledygook (or is that gobbledy gook?) but we are beginning to wonder. Maybe the Barbie Sticker Book should have been a tip off.

Sure, there are some obvious and useful additions - like 'lap dancing' (thank goodness, we always thought it was Scandinavian folk dancing). And, new additions Bollywood, Botox and screensavers should probably have been included in the last edition.

We are a bit more dubious about other entries: 'khazi' (bathroom), 'phreaking'(breaking into the phone system) (now just how often does that word come in handy in conversation?)and (gasp!) bling-bling. Bling-Bling? It's enough to make a person yearn for some good old 'bo' and 'jo'.

We will troll through the more than 500 new additions, but something tells me TT may return to the Scrabble table faster than we thought and may (uncharacteristically) hold our tongue if the deadly "Scabble Dictionary" is in use. Gulp. It's enough to make a girl run out and buy 'bling-bling'!!

CRUISE MISSILES FOR HOME AND GARDEN

While the search for Weapons of Mass Destruction continues in Iraqistan (Weapons of Mass Disinformation have been located but, to date, little in the way of Weapons of Mass Destruction have surfaced), TT thinks the Pentagon would be more productive if they looked in a New Zealand garage.

An enterprising jet engineer, concerned that terrorists could just build themselves a cruise missile with all the off the shelf technology available, is doing just that (in his garage) and doing it for less than $5000. YIKES!!

Bruce Simpson, a jet-engine consultant in New Zealand, tried repeatedly to get the Pentagon and US Department of Defence to pay attention to his concerns but all he got was ignored (and auto-replies). So Simpson is building a cruise missile in his garage to show that almost anyone can build their own cruise missile with easily available components. Apparently it is so simple that even TT could construct a cruise missile (We doubt that. TT still hasn't figured out how to programme the VCR or use the text messaging capability on our cell phone so we think cruise missiles may just be a bit beyond our reach.).

Simpson plans to drive through Aukland with the unassembled cruise missile in the back of his truck to prove that it can be transported through a highly populated city and easily reassembled and fired out of the back of his truck. EEEEK. Now, we don't exactly recall Aukland as "highly populated" - although we expect that, in this case, sheep can be considered a reasonable facsimile for people.

Simpson, who claims he is not disclosing 'mechanics', is documenting his progress on his website and is scheduled to complete this little exercise by the end of the month. Simpson's website is getting a lot of interest and traffic (is anyone awake in Washington?) and while a lot of ex and current military types have apparently been in touch with him, he continues to get 'auto-replies' from the Pentagon and Department of Defence.

Hmmm. Frankly, TT is more worried about a bunch of terrorists building cruise missiles in their garages than some mythical hoard of weaponry concealed in Iraqistan. Maybe if Mr Simpson skips the drive through Aukland and sends his cruise missile into the Nevada desert, someone will eventually pay attention.

In the meantime, TT readers can follow the progress of Mr Simpson's project by CLICKING ONCRUISE MISSILE (interestingprojects.com). TT is still working on the VCR (We have accepted defeat with text messaging on our cell)!

PHRENCH PHARSE - QUEL HORREUR

YIKES!!

As if American "Reality" TV programmes weren't bad enough, it now seems the French want to engage in 'one downwardship' with a little 'reality' tv of their own.

'36 Hours' (Trente-six Heures for the Home Crowd) features politicians or government officials spending a couple of days with an 'ordinary' French citizen (all tediously filmed in excruciating detail). Quel horreur!!!

TT has trouble thinking of anything that would appeal to us less. Jacques Chirac gazing over the breakfast table??? American Idol and Fear Factor start to look good to us. (Oh, Jacques, could you please pass the 'beurre'?)

Happily, the Prime Minister has intervened (clearly piqued that he was not chosen as one of the initial 'etoiles'). Ministers are now being told not to participate and the first show, featuring a Deputy Justice Minister spending time with a Paris mid-wife and her friends and family is on hold. Huh? Those French mid-wives must be a lot more entertaining than we would have thought.

Hopefully, the PM's intervention will squash this French Farce. We just don't think we are up to an American Spin-Off. Beige Davis spends 36 hours with a Los Angeles Gang Leader and Family? Al Gore do-si-do-ing with the Square Dancing Champion of the Tennessee Valley? Rummy Rumsfeld spending 36 hours with a cross country trucker?

When will the French learn to leave wars and reality tv to the Americans - well, at least reality tv.

TINTED WINDOWS - A CPA PRIORITY INITIATIVE

TT thinks the media has been a bit harsh in its coverage of Iraquistan (the shrewd merging of Iraq and Afghanistan means all the terrorists can be confined to one geographical area - most folks cannot find either on a map so the Administration figures no one will know the difference anyway). It is so much simpler to talk about only one out of control situation, rather than two. TT is just waiting to see how North Korea will also be merged.

Yes, it is true that more Americans have died since Dubbya declared the war over on May 4th than died "during the war"(someone should get the word out that the war is over because we think not everyone has heard the news!). And yes, more than 1,000 have been wounded seriously enough not to be able to return to duty. Predictable? Of course, but what about the good news?

We hear few reports about other "Coalition" troops being killed or wounded. There ARE troops from Micronesia and Iceland there, aren't there? We assume those stalwart coalition members are just luckier

TT has a hard time trying to figure out why Colin P et al are trying to "internationalize" the military presence in Iraq. Surely the 90 plus countries that formed that coaltion of the Willing, Cajoled and Coerced is enough to qualify as international?? Just weeks ago, the Japanese announced they would send 1000 troops, which would be the first time since WWII that the Japanese have deployed troops. Of course a few days ago they said they wouldn't be sending troops NOW because the situation is "too dangerous". Hmmmm. TT always thought that is exactly when one deployed troops......


But, behind the statistics lies a rosier picture which the mainstream media seems determined to ignore. The Provisional Authority of Iraq is quietly working towards reconstruction (with the help of Bechtel and Haliburton of course) and rehabilitation.

First they dealt with those critical issues relating to national holidays -expunging those nasty Baathist and/or Saddam festivities.

Electricity and clean water can wait a bit.

Deemed more important was the naming of a council to represent Iraq at the United Nations which, last time we looked, was based in a city with lots of great restaurants, shopping, running water and (most of the time) electricity. Frankly, TT would also prefer to be ensconsed at Nobu or Ouest than downtown Mosel.

Now, TT notes the Provisional Authority has taken yet another significant initiative- banning tinted windows and curtains in Iraqi vehicles. This is an important step in cracking down on folks who haven't read Dubbya's script. Apparently, though, this week's truck bombers and last week's truck bombers hadn't even thought of curtains or tinted glass in the first place. Pity, at least then they could have been ticketed!

CLICK ON TINTED WINDOWS AND CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELf.

Further demonstrating that they can walk and chew gum at the same time, the Authority has now tackled textbooks in schools. All pro-Saddam materials will be expunged with gusto (we are unsure whether black magic markers or scissors will be employed). Just in time for the resumption of school this month!

Mathematics excersises that use "S" and " H "as variables, will be replaced by "X " and "Y". Huh? Well, we guess those H's and S's ARE insidious incitements to something other than getting the electricity going.

Also gone will be maps showing Kuwait as a territory of Iraq. We are uncertain how Iraqistan will be represented or how axis of evil countries (those not pulverized) will be shown (if at all). Iran and North Korea could just be erased or shrunk ---which strikes us as a much easier and effective way of knocking out those axels than the route selected to deal with Iraq!!


NOTE: TT isn't all that enamoured with its readers compulsion to express their views but for those lacking self-discipline, they can be communicated via rootvegies@aol.com