JEB BUSH, TSUNAMI EXPERT, UNLEASHED ON SOUTHEAST ASIA

As if the devastation in South East Asia were not enough, now survivors must brace themselves for the arrival of tsunami experts Colin Powell and Jeb Bush!!

Just what aid workers need---a disaster assessment by these two. Surely just watching CNN for a bit would give these guys an idea of what is needed?? Or, they could just check out http://CoreyKoberg.com/Tsunami/ and that might give them a clue!! Try clean water, medical supplies and food for starters!!!

Of course, Jeb Bush has first hand experience of disaster relief having personally rebuilt large parts of Florida and Colin Powell works for Dubbya as a pivotal part of the Poop 'n Scoop Squad -- so no one has a better understanding of The Dynamics of Disaster than Powell (of course, we hope his disaster assessments are better than his WMD assessments). Never mind that the cost of this fact finding mission (hello? just how many more facts do you need guys?), which helpfully will include some congressmen (how can it be a real disaster if there aren't any congressmen involved?), is probably a hundred times the GNP of Sumatra. Reminds me of some corporate big wigs who flew first class from New York to an unnamed (to protect the guilty) African nation,and stayed in a five star hotel, complete with chauffeur driven mercedes, just so they could deliver an 'aid' cheque for $25,000.

Powell and Baby Bush will be able to report back to the TWO task forces set up by the State Department (why have one task force when you can have two) on what they see while Dubbya whinges about criticism of American stinginess in committing funds to the relief effort. Come on folks, even at $35 million (upped after being shamed by the initial $4 million commitment was rightly ridiculed), that's about half of what the Republicans will spend to annoint Dubbya in January and about a quarter of the cost of producing Gigli (a/k/a Jiggly).

Sending Baby Bush and Colin Used to Be is about as helpful as sending Paris Hilton --- in fact, upon reconsideration, sending Paris Hilton to do a reality show as a relief worker and donate the funds to relief and reconstruction just might be a better idea!!The New York Times > Washington >CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW DISASTER VICTIMS TO GET THE ASSESSMENTS AND TASK FORCES THEY REALLY NEED.

FLASH!!!!BULLETIN"!!!! Once again the powerful influence of TT works its magic. Within two hours of this posting, the US government announced an aid package of $350 Million. We impress even ourselves!!

EMERGENCY LEFTOVERS BEING SHOT INTO SPACE

Just as TT was about to tuck into those tasty holiday leftovers (yes, a little more stuffing please), we read that the two astronauts currently orbiting earth might not be quite as weightless as they would like us to believe!!

It would seem that these guys are running out of food and a space ship has been deployed to speed leftover turkey and all the fixings to these closet porkies. Hmmm.

How on earth (or in space, to be more precise), can these guys be running out of food? It isn't as if this was a spontaneous family outing.A spur of the moment zip into orbit. Did the planners think these guys could just nip into the local Balduccis if they ran a little low on freeze dried gravy?

Before TT gives up our yummy leftovers, we want some answers!! Are these two astronauts so delusional as to think they really can SuperSize and remain weightless??? Just how often did they think they could go on a midnight snack run before someone figured out they were running out of food? Is this just a cheap ploy to get us all to give up our leftovers for the greater good of mankind? If they keep eating like this, will they even be able to take any steps on behalf of mankind???? Why would anyone overconsume freeze dried anything? It hardly seems worth it.

While we debate the merits of donating our mince pies,plum pudding, turkey, shortbreads, cranberry sauce or stuffing we think these astronauts should check out the inevitable conclusions of their intergalactic pig out byCLICKING ON 'EVEN PIGGY ASTRONAUTS CANNOT DEFY GRAVITY'.

TTs GIFTS END UP ON E-BAY

At first, we wondered if perhaps the yacht had been moored off some exotic isle - awaiting TTs arrival. It certainly wasn't under the tree!!

But what of the jewels? the furs? the hand-crafted leather bags? the caviar? how come there was no sign of any of it under the festive foliage??

Then we read about the frustrated dad in California who was so fed up with the behaviour of his three sons that he put their presents - including the Nintendo DS gaming system (the one intended for us probably ended up there also)- up for sale on e-Bay. These 'undeserving boys' have to go to e-Bay to see all the gifts they ARENT getting for Christmas. Now, seems to us, that gift giving should have nothing to do with 'deserving'!!! Clearly, that changes the ground rules and if we had known that, we would have been a lot nicer to George W, His Hairness and a host of others.

We realized, however, that this 'merit thing' (distinct from the 'vision thing') probably explains what happened to our jewels etc. Adoring fans have, mistakenly, assumed we did not deserve these tokens and have put them up for sale on e-Bay!!!

Not too late, we say. The gifts will still be appreciated so yank them off e-Bay now and fedex them to rootvegies@aol.com . The private planes, chalets, islands, and yachts should remain where they are, of course, with only the deeds of sale forwarded. Cash deposits can go directly into the usual accounts. Appropriate thank yous- like regular access to TT -- will follow !!CNN.com - Newspaper: Naughty kids lose gifts to eBay - Dec 25, 2004

p.s. TT is not amused by COD deliveries!!!
p.p.s. Their is no truth to the rumours that the reindeer have been grounded because of steroid use!

BAD SEX REWARDED - AGAIN

We admit it.

TT was disappointed when we didn't win the Nobel Prize for Literature. And, we felt slighted when we were forgotten when the Booker Prize and National Book Awards were handed out.

But, the cruelest oversight came when the Bad Sex in Literary Fiction Award went to Tom Wolfe.

For some apparent reason, not all authors seem to value this honour. It is bestowed annually for the most 'inept, embarrassing and unnecessary sex scenes' in literary novels. We think we are as good as the next person at 'inept,embarassing and unnecessary sex' (in literature) and admit to being peeved at being overlooked once again.

Of course, we have to admire something like:
'slither, slither,slither, slither went the tongue, but the hand ....that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngolocial caverns'.

Huh?? No fair when Tom Wolfe throws in words like otorhinolaryngolocial !!!

Or, take Wolfe's other winning passage which included, 'moan, moan, moan, moan, moan.....'. We do inept and embarassing sex better than that!!!

The Literary Review established this prestigious award to draw attention to ' crude and often perfunctory use of redundant' passages of sexual description in the modern novel. Well, we don't like to crow but frankly we consider crude, perfunctory and redundant sex to be one of our great talents.

It could be worse though. Poor Wendy Perriam has been nominated FOUR times but only won once for:

'She closed her eyes, saw his dark-as-treacle-toffee (we think molassas is a better choice) eyes gazing down at her. Weirdly,he was clad in pin-stripes at the same time as being naked'. Hmmmm.

We have to admit we really wouldn't have thought about pin-striped sex!

For some reason, Tom Wolfe doesn't plan to pick up his prize and TT will just have to wait till next year -- we are planning a year of redundant and inept sex in preparation for next year's awards --but, TT readers interested in the body of past winners who have helped set the bar so high, can CLICK ON 'INEPT,EMBARRASSING AND UNNECESSARY SEX' - AN ASPIRATIONAL CHALLENGE,

KERRY AND NADER CONCEED

TT has it on excellent authority that both Ralph Nader and John Kerry have conceeded defeat in the Romanian Presidential elections - leaving the field to a tight runoff between Adrian Nastac and Traian Basescu.

Highly placed sources within both camps have told us that neither Kerry nor Nader plan to ask for recounts.

Representatives for John Kerry, who insisted on off-the-record comments only, said Kerry was much more optimistic about his chances in the January elections in Iraq but was still undecided as to whether he would stand in the Palestinian elections. Kerry representatives did express some concern as to whether or not Swift boats could safely ferry him along the Euphrates and whether there was sufficient time to set up 527 groups to run the necessary 'attack ads'. Knowledgeable insiders doubt that Kerry will throw his hat in the Gaza free-for-all (sometimes referred to as an election). Said one, 'Kerry is going to hang in there for the Presidency of a 'real' country. Pity about Romania, but there you have it....'.

Mr Nader indicated that he was still considering his positon but remains committed to the principle of running for any Presidency, anywhere, anytime.

'TURNIP TOP: THE FRAGRANCE' - NOW AVAILABLE IN CONVENIENT 5 QUART JUGS

Celebs have long been cashing in by slapping their name on perfume (they like to call them fragrances) and selling it, at astronomic prices, to the aromatically challenged.

Nothing really new about that. What does seem to be new is the definition of celeb --- that is celebs that you might reasonably want to smell like!!!

We have J-Lo, Britney Spears (magnolia blended with jasmine), Beyonce, all flogging their smelly stuff. Now we even have Paris Hilton, who has really exceeded her 15 minutes of fame by about 25 minutes, ready to flog her aromatic namesake--- described as being an 'appealing mix of frozen apple (do frozen apples have an aroma?) and mimosa' (isn't that a beverage?).

TT's eyebrows shot up slightly however, with the announcement that Estee Lauder has signed Donald Trump to be the spokesperson for a new men's fragrance ---Donald Trump: The Fragrance. Duh!! And just who else could or would possibly be spokesperson for a fragrance called Donald Trump:The Fragrance?? Ivana Trump?? Actually, that might sell a bit more.

So, the aromatically challenged get to spend $60 for 3.4 ounces to smell like what? bankruptcy (does bankruptcy even have an odour?)?, conspicuous consumption? hairspray? new york city?

Estee Lauder says the fragrance has 'citrus notes with hints of mint and black basil'. Hmmm. Sounds more like a smoothie. It all got TT to thinking and we have decided, just in time for Christmas giving, to launch our own fragrance, 'Turnip Top: The Fragrance'.

TT: The Fragrance won't be sold in wimpy little 3 oz bottles but will be conveniently available in Costco-size 5 quart jugs. We are not at liberty to disclose the secret ingredients but think Krispy Kreme and you will be on the right track.

For a limited time only, we are offering TTTF (Turnip Top: The Fragrance) at special prices. Buy three 5 quart jugs for $3,000 and get a free box of Krispy Kremes (your choice of types). Place your orders at rootvegies@aol.com NOW. This is a limited time offer only!!!!!

'TIS THE SEASON TO DRIVE YOUR NEIGHBOURS NUTS

TT is a big fan of things that glitter, sparkle, twinkle and shimmer but what is it with these people who spend months and squillions of dollars mounting Christmas lighting displays outside their homes?

There are contests (the head spins at just the thought of the million bulb plus category), bus tours jam the streets in proximity to these mini Disneys. One man's neighbours have complained that his Christmas lighting display is visible from 80 miles away (sounds like one of the more understated statements to us).

Another man's neighbours took him to court and since the court ruled his mammoth display can only be mounted for three days, he decided to take a pass this year. Instead of his usual multimillion bulb testimony to good will (if not neighbourly love) he mounted a Giant Grinch with bobbing finger appropriately pointing in the direction of the neighbour who filed the lawsuit. Bah! Humbug!

We really hadn't realized that part of the seasonal activities should include driving your neighbours crazy but now that we know that we are getting in to the spirit of things. We rather like the idea of the elves that shoot gifts out of cannons and think that if we were to add a couple of sheep and shepards it would really round out display.

TT readers who are unable to sink sufficiently low as to mount a suitably offensive exhibition shouldCLICK HERE AND 'BE ILLUMINATED'.

OF TOYS, CIGARETTES, COLAS, CHOCOLATE MILK AND CHICKEN WINGS......

TT is pretty confused, a rare, but not unheard of state of affairs.

In October, well after the statue of Saddam was toppled and the man himself lifted from his foxhole, Iraq paid out some $220million in war reparations related to Iraq's invasion of Kuwait. This is on top of the $18 billion already paid .

We had no idea there were so many Kuwaitis left orphaned, maimed or otherwise suffering damages from the 1991 invasion!!! Just since the American 'Liberation-In-Progress', Iraq has paid $2 billion in reparations. Of course, it isn't like Iraq needed the money for other things - like sanitation, electricity, security,food, medicine etc etc etc.

So, who are these orphans/widows who are raking in the dough ??? Are these orphans and widows now living in gold plated residences??? Driving Jags???Shopping in Dubai for Prada everything??? One could be foregiven for thinking so.

Well, not quite.

Let's start with countries like America and Britian. Since The Liberation-In-Progress, America and Britain have scarfed up $190 MILLION in reparations from the liberationally-challenged . Compare this to the grand total of $29 million the US has spent in Iraq on water,sanitation, health, roads, bridges and public safety combined - in the same time period. Hmmmmm.

As we combed the amazingly impossible to decipher (gee, we wonder why?) report from the UN Compensation Commission (receives and pays out on claims for reparations for the invasion of Kuwait) we were a bit surprised to see that Toys R Us got $190,000 in October. Hmmm.

Who would have thought all those toys would get damaged in the war???? Who would have thought all those Kuwaitii children had so many toys fall into harms way?

Toys R Us were in good company and actually got a lot less than many others: Philip Morris $1.3 million, Pepsi $3.8 million, Kentucky Fried Chicken $321,000, our friends at Haliburton, $18 million and so on and so on. Seems that corporations can petition and receive compensation not for cigarettes , toys and chicken wings lost in the invasion but for loss of business they MIGHT have had if Iraq hadn't invaded Kuwait!!!!

Give us a break. Iraqi's are paying for cigarettes, toys and chicken wings that MIGHT have been sold if Saddam hadn't invaded Kuwait??? What's wrong with this picture.

TT readers (those with a strong self-flagellation streak) can check out the Compensation/Slush Fund to find out how much Nestle Quick MIGHT have been sold if Saddam had just stayed on his own side of the fence (HINT; about $2.6 million worth) BY CLICKING HERE ON CORPORATE ORPHANS FUND but be warned, it will take the patience and determination of a saint ---or the singlemindedness of a TT to root it out.

$377 million in new claims were paid out just last month --- go figure!!!!

CONGRESS ORDERS BLUEBERRY CRUMBLE AND SHRIMP COCKTAIL FOR EVERY AMERICAN

TT thinks that some folks just don't give Congress enough credit for the things they do.

Did you know, for example, that every American can soon expect to receive (by Fedex, we think) a delicious serving of blueberry crumble and a generous portion of shrimp cocktail (either from Alaska or Mississippi)? We thought not.

Actually, TT doesn't know this for certain but we can only assume that this must be what congress had in mind when it approved its latest $388 billion spending bill. Some $286,000 is allocated for blueberry research in Maine (TT has always believed the blueberry to be grossly under-researched), and $269,000 for harvesting seafood in Mississippi. What else could this money be for except to ship yummy samples to Americans.

Of course, not all the expeditures are so worthy. There is the $443,000 allocated for research to develop 'baby food containing salmon' (surely we already know that babies prefer squishy plums and liquified apples?) and we really do wonder about the money for Vermont to help protect its covered bridges (can't these people convert to uncovered bridges like the rest of us?). The porcine tendancies of some elements of Congress still manage to rear their ugly little heads it would seem.

But, on balance, homeless shelters in Hawaii (we understand that Boeing 747s full of the nation's homeless are en route to Hawaii now - if you have to be homeless, what better place to do it than Hawaii?), establishing an archive for Dick Gephardt's papers (Yawn, do we really, really have to?) and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (rich rockers and music moguls could hardly be expected to finance their temple to themselves could they?) are all causes worthy of the abundance of tax dollars with nowhere to go.

So, warm up that oven, we fully expect the Blueberry Crumble to arrive at your door at any moment.CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT OTHER GOODIES CONGRESS HAS SElFLESSLY AND QUIETLY DONE ON YOUR BEHALF.

DEEPLY FLAWED CDC STUDY RELEASED AMID HOOTS OF DERISION

The Centre for Disease Control and Prevention is peddling a study that is not only deeply flawed but tells us something we already knew - America is on drugs!!

CDC uses statistics to make the claim that 44% of Americans are medicated but TT has only to examine election results to know that that figure is much closer to 51%.

Then, if we take into account the 48% of America who will require medication between now and 2008 (at least), it is clear that ALL of America is medicated.

It is pretty sad when TT has to intervene to correct the work of what is normally a pretty credible agency but so be it - we do what we have to do to ensure TT readers have full and complete information. To see how CDC has so badly missed the mark on thisCLICK HERE ON 'AMERICA DRUGS ITSELF AND THE WORLD GOES ON PROZAC .