BIG BREAK IN ARUBA DISAPPEARANCE

There have been startling developements in Aruba in connection with the disappearance of Natalee (spelling is not a compulsory subject in Alabama schools) Holloway (the teenager from Alabama who disappeared in Aruba after a night of normal teen debauchery).

A senior government spokesman has confirmed to TT that the entire population of Aruba (except representatives of Fox News and CNN) is being arrested - one by one.

The spokesman said that Americans should not be so quick to criticize the way in which the case of the missing teen is being handled by local authorities 'We have our own methods', said the spokeman

'We are confident that, with the entire population incarcerated for non-stop questioning by burly Aruban cops, there will no one for the media to interview, the story will go away and we can be sure we have the perp in custody'.

The spokeman confidently predicted a quick resolution to the case that has kept cable news in business for weeks and filled the vacuum since the Michael Jackson trial concluded.

'Once we have the entire popultion incarcerated we can be sure that we have the guilty party in custody', the spokesman said. He was somewhat cagey as to who would be able to serve tropical drinks to tourists who have not disappeared but it is understood that several squillion journalists will, without anyone to interview, have time on their hands and might be available.

YOUR INDIFFERENCE MAKES YOU PART OF THE PROBLEM -- ENGAGE!!!

TT is often asked to endorse worthwhile causes.

'Neverland Staff Survivors United ' and 'Runaway Grooms From Runaway Brides' are just two of the squillions of worthy organizations that have sought our support and involvement.

Although all merit our attention, it wasn't until we were shown some of the facts surrounding the abduction and Body Snatching of Katy Holmes (she is the Kat in TomKat) that we have felt moved to mobilize our resources and TT's vast network for a Greater Good.

The facts are persuasive.

FACT: As of April 7, 2005, Katie Holmes has never met Tom Don't You Just Love My Teeth Cruise. Eight weeks later Katie is engaged to be married to Tom DYJLMT Cruise.

FACT: April 27, 2005 the first pictures emerge of The Couple in Love (Scientology minders lurking in obligatory Omnipresent Darkness).

FACT: April 10, 2005 Katie My Body and Mind Have Been Seized By Alien Creatures Holmes lists Tom Hanks as her all time favourite actor. By April 27, 2005 Katie's website has been revised to name a different and Bicuspid Prominent Tom as her favourite actor.

FACT: Tom DYJLMT Cruise conducted interviews for prospective 'partners' (TT was invited to participate but we are allergic to prominent bicuspids), culminating with his 'interview' with the Doomed Katie on April 11,2005.

FACT: April 11,2005 is the last day that Katie as we knew her(OK, we admit it - as recently as two days ago we had no idea who she was but we are a quick study) is last seen until her outer shell re-emerges April 27,2005. There are no records of Katie having been seen anywhere with anyone between April 11 and April 27, 2005. Sixteen days is the exact number of days it takes for aliens to take over a person's body and mind . While it is seductive to believe that the toxic mixture of mid-life crises meets PMS has produced this deadly cocktail, the facts are persuasive that something far more sinister is operating here.

The facts speak for themselves --TT is making this unusual appeal to TT readers to join the movement to Free Katy. Your indifference makes you part of the problem. CLICK HERE AND GET INVOLVED IN THIS WORLDWIDE HUMANITARIAN EFFORT.

TT EXPLORES MOVING TO POLAND

TT is exploring the possibility of moving to Poland -- or, at least importing a couple of Polish plumbers.

Some say that nothing sybolizes the French 'no' vote in the recent referendum on the EU constitution more than the image of 'The Polish Plumber'.

Fears of the floodgates opening and squillions of Reasonably Priced Hard Working Polish Plumbers pouring into France provoked terror in the hearts of the baguette and escargot crowd. No question, many on the 'no' side saw this as a fight to prevent the Polish Plumber from muscling (literally) their way into servicing French latrines. It was a fight to preserve the rights of the French to retain their exclusive access to OverPriced, Never Available, Wine-Drenched, Garlic Breathed, Pudgy Plumbers.

Now the Poles are fighting back with a tourist campaign featuring a Hunky Cheap Polish Plumber and the catch phrase -'I'm staying here...come on over'.

Frankly, the Polish Plumber looks like no plumber we have ever encountered, at any price, and we have responded in the only way possible - we are exploring the possibility of moving to Poland. Immediately.CLICK HERE TO SEE IF THIS LOOKS LIKE ANY PLUMBER YOU KNOW.

While we explore relocation possibilities, we are taking short term emergency steps - plugging up our toilet with Old National Enquirers. Anyone got a copy of the Polish Yellow Pages????

MID-LIFE CRISES ARE BETTER ON TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER

Tom I Play The Same Part and Show My Teeth in Every Movie Cruise apparantly chose the top of the Eiffel Tower to let the world meet his mid-life crisis, Katie SomeoneOr Other.

After leaping around on Oprah's sofas and beaming Katie Whomever to a Fast Forward Scientology Conversion Programme ( disembodied aliens in very black transport vehicles only needed a few milliseconds to transform a nice Catholic girl into Stepford Fiancee) it would seem that TIPTSPASMTIEM Cruise has proposed and the Stepford holograph accepted.

Is TT surprised? Well, we will admit that we were a bit surprised that TIPTSPASMTIEM Cruise had never been to the Eiffel Tower before.....

What is it with these ingenue actresses that keep getting engaged to actors whose pictures adorned their bedroom walls as kids??? Sienna Whomever, now engaged to Jude Law, apparantly had a huge photo of Law on her wall and Katie Stepford apparantly had spent her childhood (the first part) dreaming of marrying TIPTSPASMTIEM Cruise!!

It does have TT a bit worried though. Our walls were adorned with pics of Dumbo -------

CUKE SKYWALKER TAKES ON FORCES OF EVIL ......

TT has gone organic .

Oh, we still like the research showing that we can lose weight by laughing but frankly we have been laughing non stop for days now and don't find our jeans any easier to close. Forced to retreat to the tried and true, we now realize our food choices are part of a much greater Struggle than simply our own egocentric (and futile) efforts to get into last year's little black (or any colour) dress.

We now know that when we buy organic we are aligning ourseves with the Forces of Good in the gargantuan struggle against Evil. While we have been snoozing, wise vegetables like Tofu D2 and Chew Broccoli have been fighting our battles for us. But no more. Turnip Top has gone organic and joined the Struggle.

TT readers ready to shake themselves from their complacency and join the Struggle to root out (so to speak) Evil should CLICK HERE AND SUPPORT CUKE SKYWALKER, OBI WAN CANOLI, CHEW BROCOLI AND OTHERS in the Revolution.. Help Free Princess Lettuce and May the Force Be With You.

THRILLED IN CALIFORNIA

So, The Spectacle is finally over.

The jury has spoken - while they didn't find enough evidence to bring in a guilty verdict against Jackson, they found there was more than enough evidence to convict the Accuser's Mother!!

TT has it on very good authority that Saddam Hussein has filed a petition with the 'government' of Iraq requesting that the team that Prosecuted Jackson be imported to handle his prosectution. A senior member of Hussein's legal team said that if they cannot get the Jackson Prosecution Team, they would consider the O.J. Simpson Prosecutors. It is believed, although not confirmed, that Hussein has also requested that the Jackson jury be imported to hear his case.

While Dubbya et al consider Hussein's petition, Jackson's spokespeople announced that Jackson will be hosting a Victory Pyjama Party for the Children of the Neighbourhood - unfortunately there will only be enough room for olive- skinned boys between the ages of 6 and 13.

AND IF YOU DON'T READ THE HINDUSTAN TIMES???

TT is getting pretty exasperated with the U.S. media.

If TT did not read the Hindustan Times (wink, wink), we would never have learned about some Nobel Prize calibre research of extreme importance to TT - not to mention the rest of the world.

It took the Hindustan Times to draw our attention to groundbreaking research undertaken in .....Tennesse. OK, but not ALL scientific breakthroughs happen at M.I.T or Harvard!!

Scientists, who also have part-time jobs singing back-up for Dolly Parton and Waylon Jennings, have discovered that laughing help you lose weight. Already there is documented evidence that many have dropped pounds upon just hearing that there ARE scientists in Tennessee.

Putting 45 pairs of friends into a 'metabolic chamber' (actually a room decorated like a cheap hotel), playing comedy tapes and measuring the metabolic changes, these laureats in waiting demonstrated that just 10 to 15 minutes of giggling can burn off the calories found in a medium square of chocolate (oc course, we do expect other scientists, perhaps from South Dakota, to question the definition of 'medium').

This is very important news, although we calculate that TT will have to giggle for the next fourteen weeks to counter the Cadbury's Fruit and Nut Bar (gotta get those 5 servings of fruit and vegetables a day) that we demolished while reviewing the scientific data.

Hahahahhahahhahahahhahhah. There. We lost 1/2 oz while you have been reading this!!!!CLICK HERE FOR IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC NEWS.

IS PARIS BURNING? OR JUST HOT...

While TT and the rest of the world waits for the Michael Jackson jury to come back with its verdict and book and movie deals (hey, TT is available for jury duty on celeb trials), we killed a little time checking out Paris Hilton's wedding registry at Macy's.

Macy's? What self-respecting heiress registers at Macy's?

More to the point, we wondered what goodies she has signed herself up for. What does someone who is famous for being famous and for their genetic entitlements to a Hilton Honors Card want in the way of wedding yummies?

It would seem that when Paris marries herself she really, really wants a heart shaped muffin tin (to bake morning muffins after a hard night partying), a FryDaddy Fryer (what, to fry the fish she catches off her hubby to be's family yachts?). Oh, there are the obligatory listings for Vera Wang glasses and Calvin Klein sheets (lavendar- but surely she should be going for Pratesi?) but what self respecting (HA!) heiress asks for a Kitchen Aid Pro-Waffler or a Cusinart Slow Cooker??? PULEEZE. Shouldn't she consult with the 'help' that will actually be using these things before she makes a brand commitment?

We do think the Paris-Paris lust-match is likely to last longer than other such matches. They have so much in common -- like their names. Surely marrying someone that has the same weird name as you is a good sign? And, neither bride nor groom have talent or a job to get in the way. Both can devote themselves to each other, manage the managers of their trust funds, and wait for others to die before they can get their hands on the really big bucks. Sounds like the stuff that 50th anniversary celebrations are made of to us. Of course He-Paris has the cache of having a father who is a water-ski instructor (its mummy that has all the moolah) but that too sounds like a good match. With all those yachts, a water-ski instructor sounds like the perfect compliment.

Will the Jackson jury EVER come back with its book deals or are we doomed to continue checking out Paris-Paris' need for a whistling kettle?TT readers in a similar holding pattern can CLICK HERE AND CHECK OUT PARIS-PARIS' WHISTLING TEA KETTLE REQUIREMENTS.

DOESN'T EVERY TRAVELLER CARRY A BLOODY CHAIN SAW AND SWORD?

Now, let's see if we have this right.

US immigration officials saw nothing unusual about a guy carrying a blood stained chain saw, sword, brass knuckles, knife and hatchet and, while they confiscated the guy's travel accessories, they let him into the county. Canadians can certainly sleep better knowing this guy, whose hairdo alone should have tipped authorities to the fact that this guy might just have decapitated someone, has left the country and found a non-judgemental refuge in a Massachusetts jail.

TT readers unfamiliar with hairstyles currently being sported by decapitators can sneak a peak byCLICKING HERE ON: JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER OR RISK DECAPITATION.

Some have expressed astonishment that, with folks like Cat Stevens being refused entry to the U.S., US Immigration would allow this guy to waltz into the country. Easy to raise these questions in hindsight when a headless corpse has been discovered in the guy's hometown . Personally, we always travel with brass knuckles, swords, knives, hatchets (not to mention deadly weapons like lighters), and chain saws --- although we usually make sure that we clean our chain saws before we travel!!

PRICKLY PEAR REVOLUTIONS BREAK OUT

We really need to hear from Dubbya.

As Hezbollah swept all 17 seats in the Parliamentary elections in Southern Lebanon we haven't heard much about that March to Freedom and Democracy from Dubbya et al. The Silence is deafening ---a little like the silence after the Usbek Mega Thug shot a few hundred anti-government demonstrators.

I guess it gets a bit complicated when a group you have designated as a terrorist organization wins elections. or a Heavy shoots people who do want elections.

What's a Turnip to think? We guess we have to conclude that there are Good Democracies (they agree with everything Washington says) and Bad Democracies(they don't agree with Everything Washington says) and Good Dictators(they let the US build military bases in their country) and Bad Dictators (they want to have assurances that the U.S won't invade them before they will disband their nuclear programmes) but how are we supposed to know the difference?

Maybe so we Turnips can keep track, we can term the results in Lebanon (BAD democracy) and the crackdown is Uzbekistan (Good Dictator) as Prickly Pear Revolutions. This will really help us distinguish between regimes and prevent us from celebrating when we shouldn't or being appalled when we should be pleased.

It's enough to make a Turnip spin its Top!! Hezbollah, Allies Sweep Vote in Lebanon

DEEP THROAT SURFACES IN SEARCH FOR DEEP POCKETS

So, Deep Throat has now been 'outed' by his family putting an end to The Mother of Modern Day Secrets.

We cannot help but feel a little disappointed - secrets are really only fun when they are secrets.

While DT's family try and grasp some $$ from book or movie deals and tout DT's patriotism(sometimes also known as protecting one's turf OR sour grapes), we admit to feeling conflicted. There is something a bit unseemly about DT's family convincing the 91 year old to break the silence in the quest for dollars. We suppose if the dimwits of Reality TV can cash in then why not Deep Throat? Of course, while the family forages for cold hard cash it just may have escaped their attention that DT's motives and history now lay themselves bare to scrutiny. Given that DT started leaking stuff well before the Watergate breakin and himself was convicted for conducting illegal searches and wiretaps of anti-war activists, the red, white and blue flag the family has draped him in may get a few holes punched in it before the saga comes to it's end game.

TT will leave it to others to sift through the ashes while we are pre-occupied with the most important question.

Are there any really good secrets left? We mean, apart from TT's secrets.

It is certainly a secret why Ben Affleck is considered by many to be an actor. And, while theories abound as to why Brad and Jen really split, it probably still qualifies as a secret. It's a secret why Paris Hilton is of any interest to anyone apart from herself (and the other Paris). It's a secret as to who actually voted for Dubbya (no one we know will admit it but SOMEBODY has to have voted for him) It is certainly a secret why, with all the glitzy hotels in Vegas, the Runaway Bride chose to stay at Treasure (gasp) Island. We worry that ,with the veil having been lifted on Deep Throat, where are we to find another Great Secret ??

TT readers are encouraged to share their Deepest Darkest Secrets with TT at rootvegies@aol.com.

We promise. Your secrets are safe with us....for at least ten minutes - longer if they are boring.How Mark Felt Became 'Deep Throat'.

NON! NEE!!

Dubbya must be smiling in his porridge -- democracy has come not only to the Ukraine, Lebanon, Iraq and Gaza but now it would seem it has also raised it's glorious head in France and Holland. The Baguette and Clogs Revolutions have arrived (unfortunately for the Dutch, someone else got the Tulip Revolution).

Millions of voters in France and Holland said Non! and Nee!! to the Treaty establishing a European constitution.

After carefully reading the 500 page, 66,000 word constitution squillions of voters in France and Holland confirmed what those not sipping Vogne Romanee and munching foie gras in Brussels and Strasbourg already knew - the European Emperor has not a stitch of clothing. Naked as Paris Hilton (speaking of whom, Paris is apparently going to merge with the other Paris and if we are very lucky MAY move to Greece and flog moussaka-burgers).

Dubbya gets a double helping of glee on Old Europe's orgy of Democracy. Not only does his March to Freedom claim new turf but it has the added advantage of humiliating the despised Jacques The Arrogant . To his credit, Chirac did the chivalrous thing in the wake of such a public and humiliating rebuke ---- he fired his Prime Minister and replaced him with the guy Dubbya hates as much as Jacques - Dominique de Smoothie. Jacques wasted no time stepping up to the plate and throwing a scapegoat to the howling hoards demanding human sacrifice. No kamikazi tendancies here.

The political elites throughout Europe crank their spin machines into high gear(between sips of vintage porto). The editorialists provide tedious analysis as to what it all means but TT can save its readers a lot of pointless questions. It means the sipping of Vogne Romanee and quaffing of foie gras and truffles blanc will continue but will probably have to do so in more brightly lit rooms!!! Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | Crushing defeat leaves EU vision in tatters