Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Turnip Top notes, with mixed emotions, that The Other Senator from New York ( the non-Hillary Senator) has introduced a bill to have the FTC step in to stem the out-of-control SPAM (that's SPAM, not SARS) flooding people's email.

We are told that in 2000, the average email recipient was getting about 700 SPAM communications a year. Today, it is estimated that is more like 2300 SPAMS a year. Hmmm. Someone is getting some of TT's SPAM, that is for sure.

It can now be revealed that TT has several screen names (shock!) and we actually marvel at the differences (and similarities) of the SPAM various screen names receive....unsolicited (honest!!). Indeed, TT enjoys comparing our SPAM mail (although the first rule of SPAM mail is never to open it but they keep sending it anyway!).

We are particularly intrigued by the fact that TT's official screen name and email address (rootvegies@aol.com) gets SPAM (who would have thought there was such a huge industry in providing Russian brides???) even though rootvegies never goes on the web, even to check important developments in the Laci/Scott Peterson case. Who is it that can possibly have determined that TT would be interested in obtaining a Russian bride anyway??? We do like caviar, blinis and Chekhov but...... Now, a Russian husband might offer some interesting potential.

TT's alter ego and clone has recently been receiving a fair bit of SPAM regarding septic tanks. Does someone know something we do not??? Should we be worried? Surely we would not be receiving this stuff if we didn't need it??? And who would have imagined that Viagra could be available from so many different sources??? Of course we never open the SPAM but the SPAMERS now seem to be ready to declare themselves by making sure the subject shows up so you can wear out your finger deleting ....apparently its OK to send junk people aren't interested in receivingand aggravate them.... as long as you declare it as unwanted junk before they open it. Hmmmm.

Well, TT wishes The Other Senator well with his initiative although we cannot help wondering how TT will be made aware of important agricultural events if he is successful. Indeed, notifications regarding "farm animals", " country chicks" and the incredibly quaint, "barnyard exotica" have made us realize that the agricultural sector in this country is a lot more vibrant than we had suspected.Since we never open these near-irresistable enticements, we will never really be able to fully assess the potency of the agricultural sector but we think someone, somewhere thinks TT is an agricultural worker, in search of a Russian bride and with a septic tank that is ready to implode at any second!!!

Saturday, April 26, 2003

Turnip Top was particularly pleased to see Don Caught With His Pants Down Carty forced to "resign" as CEO of the financially challenged American Airlines.

After extracting significant concessions from worker-bees, it was disclosed that Carty and cronies had managed to preserve ginormous bonuses and pension protections for themselves. As "the boys" (notice, it is rarely "the girls" who loot and plunder), pilaged and blamed 9/11, SARS, the Raelians and just about everything except themselves, surly staff, inconvenient and overpriced flights, American's downward spiral was inversely proportional to the goodies Carty et al grabed for themselves.

Caught with his pants down, so to speak, Carty faced the cameras with an insincere, too little too late mea culpa (we were glad to see that he thinks it will all make him a better person). TT wonders where Carty has been the last two years.

Carty would have done better to take a look at SouthWest, one of the few airlines that is actually profitable and by all accounts lives up to its promise to make flying the airline, "fun".

TT has never actually flown SouthWest, so we never really appreciated just how much fun flying with SouthWest could be -----until last week, that is.

Two SouthWest pilots were fired because they were determined to have been flying the plane naked (a flight attendant reported them after entering the cockpit and finding them "sans vetements"). The pilots claimed that they had spilled their coffee (even Starbucks doesn't serve coffee portions that huge!).

We think SouthWest should have promoted these two enthusiastic employees. Naked pilots? What could be more fun than that?

Maybe if Carty had stripped off his clothes, his "it will make me a better person" discourse might have saved his job and, if instead of financial concessions, he had simply asked pilots and flight crew to fly naked (think of the savings on cleaning bills and new uniforms), American would be turning away customers instead of flirting with bankruptcy.

Frankly, TT would rather have our pilots naked than packing pistols!!

Friday, April 25, 2003

It is clear that Turnip Top threats to produce our own "reality" show (24/7 of TT) has had no impact and the descent into "reality TV' insanity (not to mention incredible boredom) continues unabated.

In order to find some good mindless entertainment, we are obliged to sift through an ever growing spate of ridiculosity. Not only are we going to have to sort through Monica Lewinsky and her Mr Personality in their attractive "Dr Death, S and M masks"(TT is sure Bill is one of the guys under the plastic masks, otherwise why do the show?) , but now we have OJ Simpson negotiating to offer "inside commentary" at the Robert Blake trial ("inside commentary"??? sounds like a confession to TT)
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As if that were not enough to turn a Turnip to stew, apparently we are also going to have to fend off Donald Meglomaniac Trump. The show will pit 20 plus "sexy, young and brilliant MBA's" (now THERE is a first class oxymoron!) who will slit each other's throats (and presumably kill their own food) for a chance to work in the Trump Galaxy for a year. Yawn.

Each week Donald will fire one of them.

It is enough to make us beg for Baghdad Bob!!

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Baghdad Bob may have left our TV screens (rumour has it he is auditioning for a slot on Saturday Night Live) but Pentagon Fashion Maven (PFM) Victoria Clarke seems still to be with us - areodynamic, colour-contrasting, ginormous and anatomically challenged jacket lapels were the feature of her last Pentagon briefing (and what WERE those huge round things hanging around her neck?).

This is rather annoying to have Victoria back. TT has preparations to make, and not for another Orange Alert.

TT has popcorn to pop in anticipation of the Scott Peterson trial. Yes, he of the newly coiffed and dyed hair and eyebrows has now been arrested and charged with murdering his pregnant wife. Of course we dread having to put up with the BB's (Blonde Babe's) of Court TV - how do they all get their voices to sound so unpleasant? Is Court TV so impoverished that they have to share a colourist? (Same colourist apparently is also used by Fox News).

TT is mildly concerned, however, that Scott has been tried and convicted in the media already.

What, just cause he left his pregnant wife on Christmas Eve to go fishing and her body shows up within three miles of his "fishing" location?

Just because he was having an affair, had a generous life insurance policy on her life and tried to sell their house weeks after her disappearance (he had already traded in her car of course)?

Finding cement in the boat he used to go "fishing" in doesn't strike us as unusual (the body has been weighted down, of course). TT often takes cement fishing.

And so what if his fishing tackle hadn't been used and the weather was ferocious that day? TT often goes out in near storm conditions and comes back without using our fishing tackle.

And surely, just because Scott tried to direct search efforts south of Modesto (yes, we read the Bee) towards Los Angeles, San Diego and ....Mexico instead of north ,where he went fishing and. coincidentally the body was ultimately found (headless), this is more thorough than suspicious is it not?

When he was finally arrested (with $10,000, his brother's identity cards and a passport application) some people made a big deal about his altered appearance (blond hair, beard and eyebrows) as if that were some indication that the guilty was about to flee the country. Well, Scott has a perfectly sound explanation for the hair colour changes. He has been swimming a lot and the chlorine has altered his hair colour. TT will admit that while we have encountered that problem, our eyebrows have never been altered by chlorine in a pool and frankly the hair colour changes have never been so evenly administered.

But, innocent until proven guilty we say! We have too much invested in popcorn for the trial to be pre-empted by a "rush to judgement". So, while we whince at the thought of Nancy Grace et al droning on ad nauseum, we have butter, we have salt and we have comfy cushions and rearranged our work schedule. Bring on the trial!!

Monday, April 21, 2003

If you had to leave the room, or blinked, Turnip Top must tell you that the "turkey shoot" (oooops, we mean war) is over.

Apparently we have now entered the "mop up" mode. Some "coalition" forces may actually be going home. Although, we wonder why some of them couldn't have been made available to protect the National Museum from plunder, rather than protecting convicted embezzler Mr Chalabi--- 45 year Iraqi exile, buddy of "Rummy" and Dick and despot in waiting--- but that is an aside. Some have mocked the US media's obsequious constant references to "coalition" forces, but not TT. We think the 2000 monkeys supplied by "coalition" member Morocco is nothing to be sneered at (yes, Morocco supplied 2000 monkeys - clearly without consulting PETA - to help check for landmines).

Some have wondered how one can tell that the "war" is over. Well, let TT give you some guidance here.

We know the "war" is over because Bagdhad Bob, former spokesperson for Enron and Arthur Anderson as well as Saddam, disappeared overnight, after achieving cult status (check out the website set up by his adoring American fans at WeLoveTheIraqiInformationMinister.com).

"Embedded" reporters have dis-embedded and hopped into other beds. A sure sign that the "war" is over.

General (retired) Wesley Clark is appearing on CNN only 23 hours a day now. Who would have thought there were so many retired Generals lurking around with apparently nothing to do but be available to the media for "analysis" 24/7??? TT thinks there were as many retired Generals linked to every media outlet as there were troops on the ground - or close. Even the Modesto Bee had its own General on call!

A sure sign the "war" is over was the graphic image of Saddam's statue being toppled (the media missed showing Rumsfeld's statue being airlifted in to replace Saddam's) and Pentagon Fashion Maven, Vicky Clark has apparently run off with Baghdad Bob because she disappeared from the airwaves at about the same time he did. TT can put two and two together.

Attention Deficit Disorder (the chronic American disease) symptoms are rampant. With no more "shock and awe", typeface has gotten smaller and important news like the arrest of Scott Peterson (finally) has routinely begun to eclipse goings on in Iraq. Now, if you have to ask who Scott Peterson is and why he was arrested (did you catch the newly tinted hair, beard and EYEBROWS??) then TT despairs. A little matter of a dead decapitated wife and unborn child.

Of course the search for chemical and biological weapons continues (those elusive weapons that triggered the war in the first place) with even the "spin" ( weapons have already been moved to Syria, Lebanon, Iran or some place other than where it was said they were OR, were destroyed minutes before the invasion began) being drowned out by "bullhorn diplomany" ( Syria, "can you hear me know?"). We guess that with Iraq knocked out of the Axle of Evil, Syria has been slotted in to take its place. What a model of Axle Efficiency that as one slot opens up, another country just slides in to take its place.

The surest sign that the "war" is over is the announcement that Monica Lewinsky's new "reality" show will be starting soon. Has she not had enough "reality" for a lifetime???? Called, Mr. Personality, we can only assume that Bill Clinton will be co-hosting. Post-war reconstruction?? Boring. Folks have moved on.

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Turnip Top is thinking about moving our headquarters to Singapore.

Although TT has always found Singapore's propensity for social engineering repugnant (30 lashes for littering does have a way of making one a bit neater though). But, now that Singapore has deemed "romance" a matter of national security, TT confesses that we are intrigued.

So serious is the government about romance that there is a whole government department (Social Development Unit) dedicated to facilitating dating between professionals. A separate agency caters to those without post secondary education. Now that's what we call separating the wheat from the chaff.

And just in case you are feeling a little ill at ease, the government has helpfully produced a brochure, "When Boy Meets Girl:The Chemistry Guide". "Smiling is a great way to break the ice, but don't grin like a Cheshire cat the whole time", the booklet advises. Now TT knows what she has been doing wrong all these years - its the fatal Cheshire cat grin.

The booklet is full of helpful guidance, " A date is like a job interview........". YIKES, a lot of things are starting to make sense to TT.

To put these helpful hints into practice the government sponsors the Premier Club where matched singles can excercise together (YIKES, we think we are having second thoughts), go on trips together, dine together - all paid for by the government. Blind dates, Speed dating and Zodiac dating (where people are matched according to their "signs") are all recent additions to the programme.

TT has made no final decisions but there is little doubt that TT rather likes the idea of her tax dollars going to pay for her dates rather than bombs. A government that makes romance a matter of national security cannot be all bad. Thirty lashes for littering?? Sounds reasonable to TT.

Friday, April 11, 2003

Buried in the news of statue topplings, weaponless and shoeless soldiers surrendering, a high profile assassination, joyous iraquis and uber-looters was news of an American bomb that went astray.

The Pentagon announced and apologized for dropping a 1000 pound laser-guided bomb on a private residence, killing eleven civilians. The thing is, the bomb didn't fall in Iraq, it fell in Afghanistan - the forgotten country. With a US backed President who can barely move for fear of assassination and no effective control much beyond the capital, Afghanistan sits as a lonely testament to the short attention span of America when the "spectaculars" die down and the media turns its attention to The Next Big Thing.

TT will admit, no one ever promised Afghanistan a better future. The mission goals were simple. Find and eliminate Osama et al and get rid of the Taliban. Well, Osama still eludes capture or elimination(he is probably camped right next to those elusive Iraqi weapons of mass destruction) and while Kabul is free of the Taliban - sort of - the Taliban is back in force and busily reorganizing in the South .Meanwhile, the warlords remain as the principle "governing" force in the country.

Afghanistan is up for grabs because of America's chronic ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). The new budget contains not one penny in aid for Afghanistan. The media barely mentions it . TT thinks it is time to put the nation on Ritalin (or whatever pharmaceutical potion it is that they give people with ADD). So, one doesn' have to reach back to Vietnam or Haiti or Nicaragua to chart the dismal record of America in "nation building". If only the political wars were fought as smartly, efficiently and effectively as the military ones.

Sigh. TT thinks it is time to consult the National Enquirer and People for news we are more able to easily understand.

Thursday, April 10, 2003

Like most of the rest of the world, TT was riveted by the images of Saddam's statue being toppled by a jubilant crowd and wondered how quickly it would take for "Saddam sightings" to rival those of Elvis.

While NBC cranks up its "movie of the week" machine to immortalize the already larger than life "Saving Private Lynch" and the lurky Mr Chalabi (friend of Dick C., Haliburton, "Rummy" et al and convicted embezzler) is airlifted into Iraq, after 45 years in absentia, to help build the new Iraq, TT is taking a break from the war. It isn't as if there aren't other things going on in the world that merit our attention.

The British Army major, wife and Welsh business school dean have been convicted of cheating in the "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" case which has captivated a London court room. It seems that the jury felt those nineteen strategically placed coughs (out of more than 150 coughs throughout the whole show) were more than coincidences and were signals to the major as to the correct answers. The war intervened somewhat with TT's ability to follow the trial very closely but given the parade of "cough" experts and the prominence of "coughing" in the trial we were still able to take some delight in the moment the judge ordered a recess because a number of jury members were experiencing coughing fits!!!

The Saddam statue toppling also somewhat (but not entirely) overshadowed the stunning news that Britney Spears' restaurant Nyla has not only filed for bankruptcy (shock!! seems the baby-diva doesnt know much about running a restaurant, who would have imagined?) but is being sued by a vast array of suppliers, including the electric company, for non-payment of bills. TT is shocked and awed. How could this have taken so long???

This certainly doesn't mean that TT is ignoring the war as it enters its next phase. On the contrary, TT will be keeping a sharp eye on Mr Chalabi. Surely being a convicted embezzler and having lived outside Iraq for 45 years should not raise any eyebrows of legitimacy?

TT feels pretty confident that the Washington crowd remember and have taken heed and learned from the disasterous installation of the American "puppet" in Saigon.

TT is certain that Washington has not forgotten what happened to the Israelis in Lebanon.

On the other hand, there do seem to be a few memory lapses. Or maybe it is just the benevolent and forgiving nature of leadership that has made it possible for "the coaltion" to recruit the Al Dawa in southern Iraq to assist in the fight against Saddam. TT is pretty sure the Al Dawa involvement in the bombing of US marine barracks in Beruit is all in the past, they are now very contrite and are a fine group of trusted allies.

Stay tuned.

NOTE: Those who MUST comment or express their views to TT may do so directly at rootveggies@aol.com

Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Turnip Top notes that French-bashing in America has now moved from the profoundly silly to the completely ridiculous.

The makers of French's mustard are clearly worried about potential consumer backlash and not for the obvious reasons that the product is ugly and tastes horrid.

Refined TT readers who are unaware of this glutenous neon-yellow substance can find it adorning any hot dog in America, if you must.

The R. T French company, who audaciously call their product mustard, have felt compelled to issue a press release clarifying their geneology.

"The Only Thing French About French's Mustard Is The Name!", blares the headline of the release which seeks to assure its customers of its American origins (they forget to mention their part British ownership but TT understands that French's customers may not be sophisticated enough to deal with such complexities).

The French (the people, not the mustard) must be rolling in the aisles. No self-respecting mustard lover would ever imagine the French capable of even imagining this substance, let alone producing it. But, TT understand's that Dijon has declared a civic holiday to thank the company for dousing any residual thoughts that France could be responsible for creating this weapon of mass ingestion.

Now TT is waiting for Perrier to respond. Many of the current press reports of anti-French backlash feature pics of Perrier. The boys at Perrier must be rolling over in their Alpine nests every time the distinctive green bottle is shown. Perrier is, of course, owned by the Swiss company Nestle. Ah, the complexities of economic voting!!

Sunday, April 06, 2003

It appears to Turnip Top that the Invasion of Iraq is entering the "end game". Then we get to the tricky part.

The signs are all there. We have the incredibly creepy Iraqi Minister of Information making increasingly outlandish claims about Iraqi victories over the forces of evil ("we are pulverizing them" he says even as the wonders of television show us the reverse to be the case).

Saddam is pictured frolicking in the streets with a hand picked crowd of relatives (of course it is him) preferring we think that the final footage of him show him being adored,rather than cowering in a bunker. Meanwhile pundits and the "intelligence" community measure moles on his face and the size of his ears to determine whether or not he is a holograph. No one in the Arabic world who has been watching him for 30 years has the slightest doubt. Surprising behaviour for Saddam? Is he not noted for surprises?

We are treated to snappy pics of Saddam, his sons (we are reminded of those Bob Newhart Vermont characters Daryll, Daryll and his other brother Daryll) and cronies plotting strategy or, since we have no sound and really have no idea what they are talking about, reviewing the latest football scores and deciding what to have for lunch.

Pentagon Spokeswoman Victoria Clark has shunned her usual neon rainbow outfits (or could it be all the nasty press attention that her wardrobe has now been attracting) and is now appearing in bland monchromatic blacks and navies. We confess, we find the Pentagon briefings a lot less interesting now that Torrie has toned down. But since TT has learned that Torrie is over six feet tall,we have decided she can wear whatever she likes. We prefer smaller targets.

But, the surest signs that the end game is near is the shift in Washington "spin" to the "reconstruction". All of a sudden we are hearing that it doesn't matter if Saddam is alive or dead, he is irrelevant. Oh really??? And what about all that talk of the Iraqis needing assurance that HE and his regime are gone before they will release their joy at liberation? One would have thought one doesn't need proof he is alive, but rather that he is dead. Looks like spin groundwork is being laid for the unthinkable possibility of Saddam pulling an Osama.

No cache of chemical or biological weapons has been located to date. Now we are starting to get "spin" that the adminstration hopes they havent been "moved out" of Iraq already. Yes, it would be a tad awkward if no uber supply of weapons of mass destruction are located. So the "spin machine" has already started on putting out a reasonable explanation should the other unthinkable happen - nothing is found. It will have been moved to Syria or some other haven for nasty things.

The international community has already begun its shameless pitch for a share of the "reconstruction goodies". France seems to have overcome its moral qualms about the wisdom of war and is prepared to deal with the practicalities of making money out of the reconstruction. The Coalition of the Coerced, Cajoled and Bought gets larger and larger (although no one actually sends any troops) as the war progresses and the aroma of a victory wafts across the radar screen. Even countries like Micronesia have hopped on board (a little late TT would say) hoping for a piece of the spoils. Assuming, of course, that Haliburton leaves anything for anyone else.

Finally, the adminstration is openly squabbling over the control and adminstration of the"interim" governing authority. Turnip Top loved the particularly astonishing suggestion from the Secretary of Defence that a former Director of the CIA be put in charge of the new governing body. Now THAT would be an interesting message to the Iraqis. Personally, TT would like to see the job go to Bill Clinton. He has practical experience running a large complicated country, is adept at "winning hearts and minds" (imagine the charm offensive) and he is currently unemployed and available on short notice.

So, TT says, forget those retired military types and ex-spooks, draft Bill Clinton. It would also make up in some measure for the draft he missed some years ago.




Tuesday, April 01, 2003

It seems that Geraldo Rivera (the Hispanic Jerry Springer) has put his foot (feet) in it (again).

Geraldo is in Iraq applying his crackerjack news reporting skills on behalf of Fox News (now, there is a marriage made it heaven). It would seem that Geraldo, in an effort to demonstrate his mastery of the finer points of military strategy and the logistics of deployment, drew a map in the sand for his television audience. The map apparently showed his location relative to Baghdad and included some inference at least of the unit's movements. Obviously communicating such information is verboten. Any rookie journalist knows that, but surely Geraldo should be foregiven. He is, after all, only a mascot (for the somewhat right of Atilla the Hun Fox News).

The senior military commander acted swiftly, ordering Geraldo out of Iraq. Clearly, if VIctoria Clarke's outfits constitute a possible violation of the Geneva Convention, inflicting Geraldo on the Iraqis is a certain violation. America can not operate under a double standard.

Mysteriously, within hours of the order to depart Iraq, Fox News (well, they call it news) announces they will talk to the Pentagon to get "clarification". Shortly thereafter the Pentagon moves from confirming that Rivera has been ordered out of Iraq to saying that they are reviewing the situation. Then we get the "we have more important things to do than worry about one journalist" (even though one other journalist had been expelled days before for identifying his unit's location as "about 50 miles south of Baghdad"). Within a few more hours, we saw the story morph into, "we are reviewing" the situation and a suggestion that maybe Rivera hadn't put troops at risk. Blah Blah Blah.

Now some cynics have suggested that Fox News,which is really an extension of the White House (think of it as America's version of Iraqi TV), has a "special" relationship and no one will want to rock the boat with them. TT is amazed at how war brings out the cynic in people. We think that the whole thing is a tempest in a tea pot. Rivera probably cannot distinguish between north and south and everyone knows that Fox TV viewers cannot read maps. Enough said but we think the Iraqis are doomed to have Geraldo in their midst for some time to come.