END OF 2007 BRINGS SHOCK ANNOUNCEMENTS

As 2007 draws to a close and 2008 emerges from the ashes, there have been a number of surprise announcements of note.

If you have been too busy chilling champagne - here are the highlights.

1. Monica Lewinsky announced her intention to run for President of the United States as 'the proven alternative to Hillary';

2. Fox News will substantially shorten its news broadcasts by ensuring that all facts have been completely removed;

3. Whatchamacallit Huckabee announced his running mate, if he gets the Republican nomination, will be either Chuck Norris or Jesus Christ;

4. A leading condom manufacturer announced the Spears girls have been signed to a major contract;

and finally,

5. Dubbya finally announced an Iraq exit strategy - all US troops will be immediately withdrawn through Iran.


Looks like 2008 should be a doozie!!!

REBELS WITHOUT A CLAUSE ....

Turnip Top is a firm believer in observing all holidays (or religious festivals) that involve feasting and parties (we are equally steadfast in avoiding any 'holidays' which involve fasting or other forms of deprivation). We do not discriminate with respect to religious (or pagan) origins.

Obviously, Christmas is one of those festive (ie food, drink, parties and presents) that holds a special place in out hearts (second only to Halloween).

We were particularly concerned to learn that the premier Australian Santa Claus Recruiting and Training Agency is forbidding its Santas from using, 'ho'. 'ho'. 'ho' and instead must use, 'ha', 'ha' 'ha'.

Once we got over the shock of learning that there is more than one Santa and that training is apparently required (we thought it a genetic predisposition), TT decided to investigate.

It would seem the ASCRTA (Australian Santa Claus Recruiting and Training Agency) think 'ho', 'ho', 'ho' could be frightening to children and may be derogatory towards women. Huh? The only thing frightening about Christmas to children is the possibility they won't get great gifts or that there will be insufficient sweeties. And, ok, 'ho' is American slang for prostitute but surely this outbreak of political correctness could be confined to America - homeland of political correctness?

Thankfully, those Santas turn out to be a rebelious bunch of political activists - two have already quit in protest and others, in a display of peaceful resistance, are simply ignoring the ban.

The largest retail chain in Australia has sought and received assurance that Santas being deployed to their stores will not be silenced and customers are being reassured that 'ho'. 'ho'. 'ho' will deck their halls.

While we reflect upon the geopolitical implications - would someone please pass the shortbread cookies??

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.........

We are ready....................

CHENEY UNHURT IN WHITE HOUSE FIRE

Firefighters were successful in dousing a White House fire which apparently started near the Vice Presidential offices.

A spokeman for the White House confirmed that the Vice President was unharmed in the incident but denied the fire was started when the Vice President was burning tapes of CIA interrogations.

The spokesman admitted that a copy of the Constitution may have been destroyed but two computer discs containing the 'highly personal details' of 25 million Britons had been retrieved.

The White House promised a 'full investigation' - the tapes of which will not be destroyed....unless necessary.

HE's BACK................

As the 'Hillbilly' campaign tries to overcome slipping poll numbers in Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina (the primaries loom), the Bill part of the Hillbilly campaign has gone into overdrive.

Wiley Willy is well on his way to having personally wooed every citizen of Iowa/New Hampshire/South Carolina of voting age - starting with the women, of course. He, of course, has no personal interest in Hillary winning. Shucks, he is just an ex-President that doesn't want America to make a mistake by voting for a guy who tried cocaine (thats C-O-C-A-I-N-E) and admits he inhalled because ' that's the whole point'!!

Wiley Will now even claims he was against the war (Iraq, not Vietnam) from the beginning (huh? oh, really?).

So cranked up is WW that people have started to question whether he might not be just a tad biased, given that Hillary is his wife. And, WW's fur began to fly.

WW is making it abundantly clear that being married to Hillary has never influenced his behaviour in any way!! Gosh, we kind of figured that one out for ourselves.

No question, as WW bunks (literally) in Iowa, he is giving it his all - some guys just give their wives flowers or maybe a fancy vacation to make up for their 'meanderings'. Not WW. When the entire world has been privy to your dalliances - you gotta give the wife the Presidency of the United States. The world's most costly blow job.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT...WHAT I REALLY, REALLY WANT

When will it stop?

We were ok when 'The Police' were yanked from the past to re-live their glory days. And, if they could figure out how to bring back Freddy Mercury, reviving Queen would also be ok with us. But the Spice People?

Can mediocrity not be allowed to wither away with respect??

We are not surprised the Spices want a re-run but who but them could possibly be interested? We are told that thousands attended their opening concert but that was in Vancouver --- that's Canada where mediocrity is a national sport and going to a Spice-A-Thon at least gets one inside and away from the Canadian winter blasts.

So, if you want to know what we really really want...........it would be to never hear or see Posh/Squash/Sasquatch Spice and entourage ever again.......

IRANIAN RECIPIES TO BE EXPUNGED FROM WHITEHOUSE COOKBOOK

Word has it that the White House is in quite a frenzy.

Dozens of staffers are expunging Iranian recipies from the Axis of Evil Cookbook. It would seem, according to the recent National Intelligence Estimate, that Iran stopped its nuclear weapon development programme in 2003. Clearly, they have been included in the Cookbook under false pretenses so their recipies must be expunged.

But wait a minute. 2003? Wasn't Dubbya talking about World War III in connection with the Iranians just over a month ago? Does this mean we can come out of the bunker for a few years ? Couldn't a lot of money have been saved (on spooks) by just listening to Russian President Putin or, (gasp) the Iranians themselves??

So how come this blinding insight just surfaced now after years of sabre-rattling?? Why is it these blinding new facts are three years out of date? Hmm. Maybe if Dubbya had waited just a bit longer he might have learned there were no WMDs in Iraq!!!

Spin doctors somehow are managing to keep a straight fact while touting this as vindication of the Bush foreign policy (more sanctions anyone???). And naturally quick to point to the danger posed by Iran wanting to keep its options open re development of a nuclear bomb (surprise, surprise, wouldnt YOU want to keep your options open?)

Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice would say. Meanwhile the shredding of Persian recipies progresses to be replaced by.......Pakistani recipies perhaps????