'YUK' FACTOR HELPS IN THE POLLS

We just don't get it.

By all accounts, Mr. 9/11 is leading the Republican field of Presidential nominees - still.

TT acknowledges that Rudy G did a great job of bringing order and normalacy back to the Big Apple after the 9/11 attacks. But does this qualify him to be President of the United States? It isn't as if he had been married to a former President - a qualification we have recently learned is enough to catapault you into the lead if you are a Democrat.

TT can overlook those three marriages (including the one where he told the press he was divorcing his wife before he told her and tried to move his paramour into the Mayor's Mansion while his still wife and kids were living there). And, we can overlook his fourth 'marriage' (to the Mob - think Bernie Kerik). In particular, we can overlook his various forays as a Drag Queen (hey, Halloween is our favourite holiday!)and allowing Donald Trump to nuzzle his strofoam breasts.

But what happened last week during a speach to the NRA (our very favourite people!) just leaves us spinning our Turnip Tops. If you missed the film footage - spend whatever it takes to get a copy and play it for yourselves.

Right in the middle of Rudy's speach - just after he had mentioned 9/11 for the 403rd time, his cell phone rang - and he answered it. Now most of us turn our cell phones off when we are only at the movies and, in the unlikely event that the NRA invited US to speak, you can be sure our cell phones would not be ringing mid-stream. But no - Rudy is so very important that his cell phone gets left on AND he answers it.

He then proceeded to conduct a converstion that went roughly like this..

'Hello dear - I'm talking to the NRA right now. Would you like to say hello ?' (One could only wonder - was this some secret three year old love child calling like in those long distance telephone ads?).

He listens and then - 'I love you and I'll give you a call as soon as I'm finished, ok?'

Pause.

'OK, have a safe trip. Bye Bye. Talk to you later dear. I love you.'

Bad enough if it had been a secret three year old love child but it was wifie no. 3. EEEEEEEEEEEEEK.

Some have suggested it was staged. Frankly, we would be a whole lot happier thinking it was some dopey idea to show the warm fuzzy Rudy rather than thinking about all those wars that will be interrupted by Judy the Snake Charmer if by some fluke he ends up as President. It's enough to make one want to elect someone who is going to be interupted by Bill Clinton!

YUK.

BUDDHIST MONKS FEAR FOR THEIR LIVES

Looks like things are getting scary on the streets of Rangoon.

Tens of thousands of people, led by thousands of Buddhist monks, entered their seventh day of peaceful pro-democracy demonstrations.

Smooth-headed spiritual guys tell us though that the monks are now seriously concerned about their safety and that of their country. It isn't so much those menacing junta guys in Rangoon (or whatever the latest capital city is) but The Great Decider in Washington that would make their hair stand on end - if they had any hair.

One secret squirrel source told TT - 'with the Great Decider supporting us, can invasion be far behind?'.

The Great Decider has in fact articulated his support for the Democracy on the March - after a rough start. The initial statement from the White House praised 'the courage of those Iraqi Buddhists flooding the streets of Baghdad', but now everyone is on the same page and understands this is a different Freedom March.

Meanwhile, a covert trip to Iran is being organized by a group of Republican law makers. Hearing the President of Iran tell an audience at Columbia University that Iran had no homosexuals, the group, headed up by toe-tapping, non-gay, Larry Craig hopes to leave for Tehran by the end of the week. A source close (very close) to the group tells TT that the purpose is to 'listen and learn'.

IF I COMMITTED ARMED ROBBERY....

It appears that not everything that happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

Literary giant, O.J. Simpson seems to have got himself 'stung' in some bizarre armed robbery in a Vegas hotel. He says he was conducting a 'sting' (huh??). The victims claim Simpson and some huge guys with guns burst into their room and took some sports memorabilia (Simpson says he was just taking what was his - the gun was imaginary, a prop).

OJ apparently plans to launch a new book - 'If I Committed Armed Robbery, Here's How I Would Do It'.

Curiouser and Curiouser as Alice would say...............

SO JUST WHERE ARE THOSE MISSING AK-47s??

So, Uber-General Westmoreland - er, Petraeus - will be giving his 'Report' today and trying to answer some of those nagging questions.

Should the US pull out of Vietnam? - er, we mean Iraq.

Is The Surge Working? Well, it depends on what you mean by 'working'.

We hope he will also tell us who decided to let 250,000 angry, unemployed, armed young men (a/k/a the Iraqi army) flood the streets of Iraq. Jerry B says it definitely wasn't him. Dubbya says it certainly wasn't him. Do we sense the Dark Presence of Darth Cheney??

On a more practical level, we would like him to tell us just how long it takes to train an Iraqi to be a soldier? By our calculation training started in May 2003 and here we are more than four years later and the military is still deemed, 'not ready'. Even TT could have been trained in that length of time. Just how inept can people who fought a ferocious 8 year war with Iran be???

If he has time we really,really want to know where the 200,000 AK-47s are that have gone 'missing' in Iraq. Oh sure, the Pentagon assures us that they have not fallen into the hands of The Bad Guys so just where ARE they? Oh, yes, there was one that was used in the killing of a priest in Northern Turkey but apparently the other 199,000 are in Good Hands.

We await the Uber-General's assessment and answers (we just hope he doesn't recommend invading Cambodia).

ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO ISN'T GAY (SNIGGER,SNIGGER) GETS FLUSHED AWAY

Well, another obscure Republican Senator is about to bite the dust thanks to a George Michael moment in an airport toilet.

What IS it with these Republicans? Are they all closeted gays? Just how big IS that closet?

A few weeks ago we had never heard of Larry Craig (but then we hadn't heard of Mark Foley either till his little electronic encounters with Congressional page boys), in fact we had barely heard of Idaho (apart from the fact that they have potatoes).

Craig, we now know, was one of the architects of the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell (if you don't tell we will make you tell and then boot you out)' policy regarding homosexuality. If he applied his own policy to himself - he too would quickly get the boot (rumour has it he will boot himself today before others do it for him).

Craig was charged with soliciting sex fronm an undercover cop and then pled guilty to the less gay-laden charge of disorderly conduct.

The cop reported the Senator stood outside his stall and peered in for at least two minutes, then went to the adjoining stall and 'tapped his right foot as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct' (we must remember to be careful where we tap our feet). He apparantly engaged in other 'coded' behaviours (eg swiping his hand under the stall etc etc etc).

Craig now says his behaviours were 'misconstrued' (hahahahahha) and the toe tapping and touching was just a function of the fact that he has a 'wide stance' when using the toilet. PULEEZE.

Craig said at a press conference, "I am not gay. I have never been gay.' We note he didn't say he might be gay next week though. He further pointed out he had nine grandchildren. Are grandchildren like a special innoculation against gayness???

Some may think TTs interest in this and similar stories simply purient interest. Not true. This story raises Big Questions.

Is toe tapping and hand sliding really secret code for public sex? Where do they teach these secret codes? Is there a Closet Gay School? and, just what can you do in a public toilet when there is a dividerider? How? How fast can Mitt Romney (Craig was Romney's Idaho campaign manager) run away from Craig's spin on his family values?

We just love it when a hypocrite gets theirs!!!!