AND A SMASHING TIME WAS HAD BY ALL

What is it with these rich famous for being famous 20 - somethings?

First Paris Hilton gets herself a couple of DUIs and is heading for jail (better that than a Hilton we say), albeit for 23 rather than the original 45 days, because of 'good behaviour'. Good behaviour? And that would be 'good' in comparison to what exactly? She didn't kill someone or herself? And since when does time off for 'good behaviour' start before the jail sentance.

Now we have Lindsay Lohan trashing her car while drugged and liquored up (that revolving door at the Promises Spa - er, we mean rehab - will certainly need an oiling )(so to speak).

Actually, we aren't sure who Lindsay Lohan is except she seems to be in every third movie - none of which we have seen or have plans to see - and is known for her partying ways and a dad who is in jail/probation.

Frankly, we don't get it. Haven't these girls ever heard of the 'C' or 'P' word? If they wanna waste themselves on dope and alcohol surely, with all their $$, they could afford 'Panties' (Lohan was missing hers when she was picked up) and a 'Chauffeur' - Even the pantiless Britney hires a driver when she seeks a break from heavy duty parenting.

Go figure.

BRITISH STIFF UPPER LIP MELTS

Something has definitely happened to the British stiff upper lip.

The National Wallow after the death of Princess Diana seemed like a one-off but we think not.

There were those four year old marines who got themselves captured by the Iranians while they bobbed around in their rubby boats - weapons unused and smiles on their faces. After 24 hours of ruthless torture which appeared to involve ping pong, tv and large nourishing meals - they caved.

Hours of televised apologies to the Iranians, promises not to cheat at ping pong and raves about the food and table manners of their captives flooded the airwaves.

Once released from the Tehran Hilton, many sold their stories of torture and terror for a princely sum.

No Bridge on the River Kwai this was.

Now, the country is immersed in an orgy of angst that makes the Diana saga seem rather staid.

24/7 the country is assaulted by Maddy mania. Maddy is the cherubic 4 year old who was kidnapped while on vacation in Portugal with her parents and twin siblings. Cherub and 2 year old siblings had been left alone in their hotel room while the educated and overpaid parents dined nearby.

Maddy and her affluent parents savvy media management have pushed everything else to 30 second sound bites after we have followed Maddy's parents to church, watched them display their non-kidnapped children, endure seas of yellow ribbons, websites raising money to Bring Back Maddy....and on ...and on....eighteen days of it and no relief in sight.

Makes us nostalgic for Nathalie Holloway, Larry Birkhead, Paris Hilton --- ANYBODY.

WHO ARE ALL THESE OLD WHITE GUYS??

TT understands that Republican candidates for President recently participated in a televised debate.

We say 'understands' because we haven't actually been able to find anyone who watched it. So we have to take it on faith and 'out-takes' featuring John McCain's demented Howard Dean Scream (smile version) that have been re-played on various news shows (eg. The Daily Show).

We have also seen pictures of the ten aspiring Republican Presidents. Ten? We can't name more than four.

So, we dug out a picture of this rather homogeneous lot and have a couple of questions.

Who ARE these old White Guys? Tom Tancredo? What is that, a type of Italian flan? Ron Paul? He looks so scary he makes McCain's moment of dementia look normal and sane. Duncan Hunter? Jim Gilmore? Are these just fake names? Fake people?

Oh dear. Oh dear. The awesome homogeneity seems a little pointless though. Surely you should only have One Old White Guy per campaign?

We sure hope there is lots of room under the duvet - the election is a long long time away.

WE TOO CAN PLAY THAT GAME

It would appear that millions upon millions of people have empty, uneventful lives.

So much so that they are logging on to a British website (it would have to be British) to watch live video feed of a 50 pound cheddar cheese ageing. Huh? Yes, a webcam trained on the celebrity cheese alows the pathetic to watch the cheese age in real time. And those poor pathetic creatures can contribute to a local charity - they might as well as in their meaningless lives they surely have nothing else to spend it on.

Never to be outdone, TT is featuring the above Turnip ageing - in real time. Donations (big ones) can be made to the Legume Vacation Council. Bank account details upon request.

HILTON IN PARIS WINCES-- AGAIN

One just has to feel sorry for the Manager of the Paris Hilton (a/k/a the Hilton in Paris).

SWIFFBF (She Who Is Famous For Being Famous) just keeps dragging their name in to the spotlight of Infamy.

Now, SWIFFBF is actually going to be famous for doing something - going to jail (hair extensions and hair dye bye bye).

We aren't quite sure what she is going to jail for - some driving infraction. Driving in bad taste, Driving with fake body parts, Driving with air in the head. The list of possibilities is pretty endless.

Of one thing we are sure - there will undoubtedly be a reality show, a book, a dvd, squillions of paid interviews, a doll, a t-shirt or two....the marketing machine is cranking up as we chat. SWIFFBF may not be chastened (hahahhaha- not likely) by the experience but for sure she will be a lot richer,

Meanwhile at the Paris Hilton - or Hilton in Paris - we understand the manager's job is once again vacant.