IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT

The scientific proof is irrefutable.

Those extra ounces (er, ok, perhaps pounds) we have accummulated are not because ofthose profiteroles, or the chunky fries, or the Ben and Jerry's WE have consumed. It's YOU, TT's friends and fans who are responsible!!

According to the presitigious New England Journal of Medicine, weight gain is like a virus and can spread from person to person. When one gains weight , the other friends gain weight. It's contagious!

The study followed 12,000 people for 32 years and so there we have it. You must all, immediately put away the Hagen Daaz and Malteesers. Grab some carrot sticks and yoghurt - we have 10 pounds to lose so no cheating please.

While we are waiting for you all to cut back on those Chunky Fries, would someone please pass me the chocolate truffles?????

SECURITY THREAT REVEALED

WOW!

We always knew these big blocks of orange plastic cheese were lethal but now it is official.

Warnings have gone out to airports that terrorists may be operating 'practice' runs. This is based on the discovery of some unusual items detected in hand luggage screenings that could be simulating bomb parts.

Over the past year, screeners have detected various coils, pipes, phone rechargers etc. taped to blocks of processed cheese which apparantly has the same consistency as some bomb ingredients (we knew that). The passengers carrying the toxic cheese were unable to give 'satisfactory' answers as to why the various items were in their luggage.

All very disturbing stuff but isn't this an over-reaction? Doesn't everyone stuff a loaf of Velveeta in their hand luggage and tape it to a cell phone battery?? Who knows when you are going to need a doorstop when you are away from home.

It looks like we will have to leave the blocks of processed cheese at home along with the hair gel, water, lighters and knitting needles.

The really disturbing stuff is that anyone would risk actually consuming the dynamite substance that masquerades as cheese

INSURANCE COMPANIES RAISE DEDUCTABLE FOR CATHOLIC CHURCH

TH

L.A. Cardinal Mahoney announced recently that the L.A diocese will pay out $660 million to the victims of Predator Priests(PPs).

Most of the money will apparantly come from insurance. Insurance? There is child molestation insurance??? What's the deductable on child molestation insurance? Three choirboys?? Give us a break.

So now the victims of PPs have to recount their horrors to some claims adjustor?? The Cardinal said the awards to the victims will be allocated according to the degree and length of abuse. So some claims adjustor is now going to delve into the relative horrors of what they endured? Claims adjustors and actuaries now get to sit around with victims determining whether or not there was penetration and if so how deep and for how long? PULEEEEZE.

But, this wasn't just about the money. The Cardinal offered the Church's 'apology to anyone who has been offended'. Offended? Are victims of abuse 'offended'? What about piqued? Annoyed? The Good Cardinal certainly cannot be accused of 'over-egging' his apology.

So, while the claims adjustors set about their unseemly task, the only remaining question is what happens now to the Church's molestation insurance premiums? Does the deductable double to six choirboys?

Give us a break!

THE BIG QUESTION FINALLY ANSWERED

Finally, the answer we have all been waiting for.................

No, we aren't talking about which characters die at the end (we think Harry lives and Hermione and Ron don't make it but what do we know?).

What we are desperate to know is how one reads a 758 page book in a few hours? The reviewer from the New York Times bought the book at midnight on Wednesday (MUCH to the consternation of Rowling and her publisher) at midnight and had posted her review on the Times website that evening.

So - while others twist and turn (and turn to the final pages) in an effort to find out who gets bumped off, we just want to know how, Evelyn Woods notwithstanding, how you read a 758 page book in a few hours...........................

CHINESE PREPARE FOR LORD BLACK IN THE CROSS-HAIRS

Lord Black of Caught in the Cross-Hairs dodged a few bullets.

Thanks to a jury whose judgement was clearly impaired by too much Deep Dish Pizza, he was found guilty on only three of nine counts of fraud and one obstruction of justice charge. Still, we understand the Emperor of Excess is holed up in his shabby four bedroom suite at the Ritz Carlton contemplating strategies to avoid a stint in The Big House (bet he is sorry he ditched that Canadian citizenship now).

We understand Paris Hilton's psychiatrist has been contacted and a request for The Scooter Libby sentance has been submitted to the White House.

In what must be a misunderstanding, the Chinese are reportedly expecting an application from Lord Black of Caught in the Cross-Hairs to take over the recently 'vacated' position heading up the Chinese FDA.

While we await (with relish) the sentancing outcome, the big enduring question remains. Where on earth do guys like Dennis Koslowski and Lord Black CCH shop for bathroom accessories?? Koslowski managed to spend $15000 on a golden shower curtain (we dont recall the exact amount but as shower curtains go it was over the top) and Black, $4000 for an electric towel warmer. Until we get answers - we will never really get 'closure'.

RARE PHOTO OF 8TH WORLD WONDER DISCOVERED

Distracted by the announcement of the results of an Internet poll vote for a revised list of the 7 Wonders of the World, some missed the release of a rare photograph of the 8th Wonder of the World.

While TT would not directly respond, a TT rep confirmed that TT had placed 8th in the voting in which approximately 100 million people cast their votes - or, given the results, 1 million Chinese and Indians voted 50 times each (please don't check the math!).

A spokesperson for Price Waterhouse (are those guys still in business?), confirmed that TT was only narrowly beaten by the Great Wall of China and the Taj Mahal. In response to questions about the inexplicable (to some) disappearance of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon from the new list of Wonders, the PW rep said that unfortunately due to 'events' in Iraq, it wasn't certain that the Hanging Gardens even existed any more. Some feel they were taken in the looting immediately after the invasion/arrival of Coalition (wink wink) troops.

Modest as ever, TT refused to comment on whether a Nobel was next.........................

COMPETITIVE EATING MAY BECOME AN OLYMPIC SPORT

TT has it on very good authority that the International Olympic Committe is on the verge of accepting Competitive Eating as an Olympic Sport.

Although Competitive Eating is generally associated with the July 4 Coney Island Hot Dog eating competition, it is not yet clear whether it would be classified as a Summer or Winter Sport.

And just what prompted this high level review? Well, Taku Kobayashi, who has won everY Coney Island Hot Dog Competition since 2001 has sustained a 'sports injury' - he cannot open his mouth - and may be unable to compete this year.

Once you start being able to document sports injuries it is a near certain ticket to the Olympics. Hopefully it won't be too late for Kobayashi though. He has set the standard and deserves his shot at a Gold.

People often forget that Kobayashi is a Competitive Eating Champion par excellence - not just a hot dog feaster. Two years ago he scarfed 83 vegetarian steamed dumplings in the Hong Kong dumpling eating competition. Clearly an athlete of exceptional versatility so it would be sad indeed if his injury sidelines him before he and his sport get the recognition they 'crave'.

But, like all athletes, age is not Kobayashi's friend. He is 29 and will be hard pressed to hold off the younger jocks, assuming he recovers from his 'locked jaw'. One can only hope he will not be yet another fading athlete (Jimmy Connors 1991 comes to mind) who doesn't know when to hang up his cleats (or close his mouth).

We eagerly await news in the New York Times (they saw fit to report on Kobayashi's jaw problem so we are confident we will be kept up to date).......................