UP, UP AWAY....

The last of the Designer Junk is being packed......next stop, the new Turnip Top H.Q.!!! 

WE ARE MOVING - NOT DEAD

TT may be in the throws of relocating our headquarters, but that doesn't mean we are deceased.

We noticed, somewhere between packing our jewels and boas, that Dubbya says the National Anthem should only be sung in English --- how much more convincing that would be if HE could do that!! 

JUST LIKE DEMOCRACY...

Just like Democracy, TT is moving to luxurious new headquarters, all the better to observe world events as they unfold..............stay tuned. 

TT MOVES HOUSE....

TT is moving headquarters.

Naturally the world does not stop while we look after business (a

pregnant Angelina can still endorse Gordon Brown for Prime Minister...in

between contractions we assume) and we will do our best to stay on top of

important news (has Jennifer broken up with Vince?). But, we are not

perfect so forgive us if we miss an invasion, a celeb birth or two, or the

most salacious details of a Deputy Prime Minister's torrid affair (giving

hope to fat wrinklies everywhere we should add).

FOX OPENS OFFICE IN WHITE HOUSE

Thanks to the crusading 'Smoking Gun', we already know that Darth

Cheney insists on having tvs open to Fox news when he

checks in to a hotel.

Now we see that Fox news, not content with its pivotal role in 'spinning'

Dubbya's administration, will be moving into The White House next to 'The

Decider' (oh how we wish he would stop Deciding things).

The hapless Scott McLellan was finally pushed off the bow of the Titanic (actually he was pushed off his

second day on the job -- it just he only figured that out this week ). Steppping in to his teeny weeny shoes is

Fox news anchor and spokesperson for Blow-Dried Hair, Tony Snow. Can Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh

be far behind?? When can we expect the Bottle-Blond, Collagen-Lipped Babes?? Can we not just

have Rupert Murdoch beamed into our living rooms with our morning cereal???

We have only one question. How can we get a subscription to Al-Jezeera?????

NEPALESE MONARCH RENOUNCES WARDROBE CHOICES

Better scratch Khatmandu from your 'Chill Out' Destination List - at least for a while.

It would seem that those Nepalese are just a little less laid back than one would have thought. Apparently, even without being invaded by America, people have decided they want regime change and have been rioting non-stop against their sartorially challenged ruler. (Does this guy consult Kim Jong Ill on his fashion choices???).

Washington is a bit annoyed because the chilled Nepalese weren't due for regime change and democracy for another ten years -- don't these people read their scripts??? Do they really think they can do this on their own and without being massively invaded????

The beleagured furred and bejeweled monarch has tried teargas, mace, promises of restoring executive power to the un-furred and de-jewelled populace ----but still the rioting continues. We have it on good authority that the Monarch may be beleagured enough to consider hiring a good fashion consultant (Queen Lizzie II is ready to lend him hers) as a last ditch effort to quel the unrest and get back to counting backpackers toking up.

In the interim, better chart that haze induced trek to Shangri La via somewhere else.

SAVE THE SPAWN MOVEMENT GETS MOMENTUM

It appears that all efforts to Save Katie from the Clutches of Tom the Tooth Cruise (TTTC) and his Alien universe have failed.

Cruise, was previously best known for a) jumping on a sofa to declare his love for his child-bride on global tv, b) lecturing a cowed Matt Lauer - again on global tv - on the horrors of psychiatry (personally, we think he could use a fleet of them!) and c) kidnapping and stealing the brain of Katie Holmes (small and easy enough to steal we would say) and, d) finally winning an acting award he deserves (the 2006 Razzie for 'Most Tiresome Tabloid Target').

Now, as the Alien Spawn arrives (apparently called Suri, a good Alien Spawn name), Tom TTC has apparently toppled way, way, way over the edge. In an interview with GQ magazine this month, TTTC is quoted as saying that he planned to eat the placenta of the alien spawn. Huh?? How demented IS this guy?? Will that be fried, boiled, roasted? With or without salt and pepper??

Confronted by a the global collective reaction --- massive simultaneous YUK - TTTC now claims it was a joke? Joke? What is this, some sort of Alien humour? Get this man on drugs someone - ANY drugs.

It is clearly to0 late to rescue the Child Bride Katie - may she rest in peace- but the newly materialized Spawn, Suri, can still be saved -- MAYBE. Failure to intervene soon means only one thing -- Moses Coldplay Martin needs to go into hiding before Suri grows claws and fangs!!

GENERALS POP UP LIKE SPRING FLOWERS

My goodness, it may be four years and a number of comfy pension plans too late but Generals are popping up like spring flowers to call for the resignation of 'Rummy'.

Oh, there is the odd (and we mean odd as in 'peculiar') blow dried General popping up on Fox news to defend one of the Architects of The Iraq Folly. And the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs (current and still hoping for a pension), jumped in to say that 'people should never question the dedication, patriotism and work ethic' of Rummy. We notice there was no reference to competence and isn't that what The Tulip Revolution of Generals is questioning??

Actually, The Generals are doing more than questioning.

If a coup d'etat is the 'sudden overthrow of a government by a usually small group of persons in, or previously in, positions of power' then don't we have the beginnings of a military coup??? TT says go for it and cast the net a bit wider guys!! 

TT PREPARES FOR NUKING OF IRAN

So. Dubbya has another DLI (Dubbya Lunacy Initiative) up his sleeve(s).

Oh sure, he said reports about plans to bomb/nuke Iran's nuclear aspirations off the map are 'wild speculation'. But, this IS the guy who said he hadn't made a decision about invading Iraq and now we know that wasn't quite true, was it?

Maybe the whole thing (Iraq) was a mix-up (one of many) and Iran was the target all along. It IS in the same neighbourhood, has leaders Dubbya doesn't like and bad penmanship could easily make Iran look like Iraq.

TT is taking no chances. We have constructed (see photo) a secure nest for ourselves. As we speak, essential foodstuffs (chocolate in all possible configurations) are being hoarded. An ample wine cellar is already full.

Of course, global warming could impact the longer term viability of our retreat from the DLI but the good news is that we now fully expect nuclear winter long before the Big Meltdown (the climate one).

Like Noah, we will have some space for others - cash and expensive gifts are likely to be well received. But, better book early at rootvegies@aol.com as some smartie pants is likely to quickly figure out that the best way to make Iraq look good is to create something even worse!!! 

LARA CROFT TO HAVE ASSETS REDUCED

Lara Croft, for the deceased or visually challenged, has had a hard time overcoming her stodgy image as an archeological detective and maybe it is about to get harder.

In the film, Lara has slinked (slunk??) around the world in body-hugging saran wrap, trying to unearth archeological treasure using her notable assets -- her archeological expertise and her brain. Angelina Jolie, when not scarfing up orphans, has lead the hunt and spawning a video game version.

The Game has lured squillions of young archeologically inclined young men to test their puzzle solving skills. Universities around the globe have noticed a dramatic increase in enrollment for archeology courses - growing roughly in proportion to the size of Lara's - er - assets.

Now it would seem that for some peculiar reason the honcho game creators have noticed that women seem less inclined to be interested in archeology. Hmmm. Some have surmised that Lara's 77 DDDD breasts may deter women from the point of the game --- deepening your knowledge of and interest in archeology (wink, wink) and sharpening your brain cells (smirk, smirk).

In an apparent effort to broaded the game's appeal beyond pre-pubescent boys with mammary fixiations, Lara is to undergo breast reduction surgery. She will be a mere 76 DDD in the next version of the game.

We are sure this will broaden the appeal of the game and an upsurge in the number of women interested in archeology quite likely.

Game surgeons have yet to announce whether the film heroine, Angelina 'Is That Orphan Available' Jolie, will be replaced or forced to confront the scalpel. But, we suspect the Search for Scion will continue but archeology will remain a largely male occupation! 

ONLY 24 HOURS FROM TULSA....

So, Gene Pitney, only '24 hours from Tulsa', has passed on.

It was from Pitney that we first learned that 'it isn't very pretty what a town without pity can do'. If only we had listened.....

It was also Gene Pitney, the King of Angst and Unrequited Love, who warned us that 'it Hurts to Be in Love'. Again, too bad we didn't pay more attention....

At 65, and a long way from Tulsa, 'It's Over. It's Over' (sounds of 'That Girl/Boy Belongs to Yesterday'). 

FANTASY ISLAND LOCATED IN VIRGINIA

TT has long wondered where, geographically, Fantasy Island is located. Now we know.

Metaphysically speaking, it is where multiple, independent fantasies collide in the Perfect Fantasy Storm. Geographically, we now know, Fantasy Island is in an Alexandria, Virginia courthouse.

On the one hand, a flaky, incompetent, demented Al-Quaeda wanna-be was poised to be denied his martyrdom fantasy and place in the history books. Poor Zacarias - even Al-Quadea thought he was a flake and loose cannon. With even the Matermind of 9/11 and Quaeda chief of operations saying Moussouai had no knowledge or role in 9/11, what chance did he have to make his dreams come true????

Fortunately for him, enter the Governement. Equally incompetent and armed with over-egged conspiracy theories and a healthy dose of prosecutorial misconduct they were able to nudge Zacarias closer to the status of Icon and Martyr.

In a parallel universe, was the American public, needy for a Bad Guy to be punished for the Twin Towers and see some bang for their buck (lots of bucks) on their monumental investment in 'Homeland Security'. Zacarais may not have had any involvement in, or knowledge of, 9/11 but he WANTED to and he had evil intentions so the death penalty a la Minority Report, doesn't seem like a big stretch to us.

Presto. And so we have it. The Perfect Fantasy Storm. Just as it appeared that the Government was going to rob Moussaoui of his designation in the history books as - Moussaoui stepped in to do what the government hadn't been able to do (show any link to 9/11). He took the stand, and declared himself a Player.

Result? Everyone gets what they want. America gets to see a Bad Guy punished for 9/11. The Governement gets to show how effective and tough it is in hunting down the Evil Doers (at least those not in caves, with mental defects and suffering rampant meglomania). So, Zacarias Moussaoui gets to go down in history as a Player and Martyr, instead of locked up as an Unhinged, Incompetent Wannabe and Tried-To-Be.

Welcome to Fantasy Island.