BRITNEY DROPS K-FED...AND HER CLOTHES

Poor Britney.

In shedding the K-Fed, the overactive Sperm Bank that she married a couple of years ago, she mysteriously also has shed her clothes.

Each photo of the Pop-Tart shows her in fewer and smaller garments - such is the trauma of divorce.

So acute is her trauma that she immediately exchanged one egocentric sleezeball (K-Fed) for another egocentric sleezette (Paris Hilton).

One has to feel sorry for her. It isn't easy to juggle motherhood (to K-Federlings in two years) and clubbing every night till 6.00am. NOT easy at all.

Some have suggested that with a custody battle pending (K-Fed suddenly wants to bond full time with these two Federlings and their bank cards - permanently), Britney might be a little more circumspect in her carousing and sartorially challenged fashion choices. Not TT.

Personally, we feel sorry for the two little Federlings. Imagine having these two unsavoury folks as your parents. Hard to figure which is the more distasteful.

If WE were the judge, we wouldn't give either of them custody, but rather ship them (the parents) to an orphanage in Milawi. 

'IF I DID IT'...HERE'S HOW IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED

Thanks to Rupert Murdoch's late in life acquisition of a conscience, OJ Simpson's 'hypothetical' 'confesssion' to two murders will not be distributed (except for the several hundred thousand copies like to find their way on to e-Bay) and the interview will not be broadcast (except on some blogs who will undoubtedly get their hands on a copy).

Forgive us or suspecting that this 'crise' de conscience had a lot more to do with Fox affiliates yanking the interview and bookstores balking at selling it.

To fill the void, a 'friend' of TT's plans to rush to print with their own version of 'If I Did It'.

This 'friend' has long lived under a cloud of suspicion that they devoured an entire chocolate cake in a single day. Loud protestations of innocence and an admittedly feeble effort to find the real perpetrator, have failed to remove the dark cloud.

An independent enquiry absolved the 'friend' after a thorough review of the evidence. Sure there were flakes of chocolate found on the floor of the 'friend's' bedroom, but those could have come from another chocolate cake and anyone could have dropped them.

The analysis of the chocolate stains on the 'friend's' pillow case was deeply flawed and there was substantial evidence of investigatory malfeasance. It could never be substantiated that these stains were chocolate and even if they were, they could easily have been residue from Ben and Jerry's, Chocolate Chocolate Chip which the 'friend' was known to indulge in periodically.

'IF I Did It' will highlight the broad outlines of the 'crime' - hypothetically.

A fake chocolate cake replica would have been constructed. A willing accomplice would have been lined up to Hoover up the crumbs and dispose of the chocolate covered blouse or shirt (demolishing an entire cake in a single day would surely have left the perpetrator covered in chocolate!).

Real chocolate shavings would have been hoarded in advance and used to sprinkle over the 'fake cake' in order to concel the crime as long as possible and allow the perp to clean themselves up and make a getaway.

If I (or my 'friend') had done it, tiny slivers of cake would have been carved out of the cake and consumed, carefully replacing the remaining pieces in such a way as it would not be obvious that any of the cake had been eaten - merely cut into pieces.

When the amount of cake consumed could no longer be concealed, the fake cake would be put in its place and real chocolate shaving sprinkled over the top to delay detection.

We guess we will have to wait for OJ's book to pop up on e-Bay but the 'If I Did It Format' strikes us as a legitimate literary genre and a way for the Innocent to find their voice!!

Hmmm. Is that Chocolate Cake?? 

TURKEY PARDONS BUSH

Word is that Thanksgiving Tradition got turned on its head when the Turkey pardoned Dubbya.

TT has it on excellent authority that the pardon caught Dubbya off-guard but he greatfully accepted the additional two years that the Turkey's pardon gives him and he and the first lady are reportedly en route to Disneyland to celebrate with previous pardonees.

Happy Thanksgiving !!! 

'MARRIAGE' IMPROBABLE 3 WEDDING SCOOP

Once again, TT scoops the world press with this adorable photo of Suri Stepford-Cruise taken at her parents 'wedding' in an equally adorable Italian village yesterday.

Of course, only Scientologists can see how adorable the Alien Spawn really is.

Tom the Tooth and Katie Stepford Holmes were 'married' , surrounded by J- list celebrities like Posh Spice Beckham and close friends like Brooke Shields (snigger snigger) who were tested for anti-depressants before being beamed into the castle.

Cynics have wasted no opportunity to point out that the Scientology wedding has no legal standing but that is only on the planet Earth. Elsewhere in the Galaxy the couple are joined by the antenae for infinity.

Anyone attending the moving ceremony were deeply touched when Tom the Tooth presented bride Katie Stepford with a cat and a comb as a symbol of their Scientology bonding. Katie's serious allergy to cats is said by a Scientology minder to be 'under control'.

Guests were moved by the uplifting vows: 'Know that life is stark and somewhat grim'(we kid you not!) and Katie looked thrilled with the prospects. When she heard the question, 'and when she is older, do you still keep her?' (again, we kid you not!) the Stepford bride just kept beaming (her dad IS a well known divorce law specialist).

One cynic pointed out that Cruise has progressively married younger and younger women (wife 1 is now 50, wife 2 is 39 and now wife 3 is 27) and Katie might well worry about the answer to that question which is not part of the ceremony. The cynic who made the observation was curiously missing at the feast that followed the ceremony - a puff of smoke and acrid smell of burning flesh all the remained in his seat.

All in all a stellar day and Suri just glowed as she watched her parents levitate the 'bastard' label from her tiny shoulders!! 

WHAT A DIFFERENCE THREE DECADES MAKES

Just how perverse is this??

Three decades ago, Dubby fled to Washington to avoid going to Vietnam. Now, things are so bad for Our Boy in Washington that he has fled to Vietnam.

Next month Libya?? 

THE MORNING AFTER ........

Enough said.......at least for now! 

VOTERS TRUDGE TO POLLS TO MAKE HOBSIAN CHOICES

So, today is the day that American voters get to decide whether they will throw the bums out and get new bums or stick with the bums they know.

Or, since a bigger percentage of voters in Iran go to the polls than in the US, will they all just sit on their duffs ??

Quite the cliffhanger but one thing is certain, we will still have Dubbya to bash around tomorrow whatever the outcome..... 

GAY EVANGELICAL CLOSET OVERFLOWS

We confesss.

TT gets a purient delight when evangelical self-righteousness gets consumed by a good sex scandal -- even better when it's a good gay sex scandal. We had barely time to take a post-Foley page-lust breath, when kersplat, a leading (regular chitty chat with the White House) evangelist is toppled from his self-constructed pedestal.

Ted Haggard (no, we didn't know who he was) got positively Clintonesque in his defence - starting with,' I was tempted. I bought it. I threw it away.' (re the charges that he had bought methamphetamines from a male prostitute) and then the admission that he had gone to the male prositute for 'massages' but didn't have sex with him. Clinton taught us that oral sex isn't really sex and now Haggard expands the definition of non-sex to include 'massages' with male prostitutes.

Without role models, how would we ever learn any of this stuff????? 

HOW MANY FEET CAN YOU GET IN YOUR MOUTH AT ONE TIME???

What IS it with John Kerry and the Democrats?? Talk about seizing defeat from the jaws of victory........

Karl Rove et al must be beyond orgasmic. Talk about manna from the Gods. Not only was Kerry's ' go to school, do well or you'll get stuck in Iraq' a jaw dropper but it may just have eclipsed 'I voted for it, before I voted against it'. Even the 'joke' as written in his prepared remarks, didn't strike us as very funny . TT suggest's that JK not only abadon thoughts of running for President in 08 but he might want to re-think his plans to do stand-up in the Poconos this summer.

Fascinating how a guy who isn't even running for anything right now could still blow an election.