ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK --- FOR TODAY

The broomstick is tuned-up. The cauldron is simmering. The cape is pressed and unfurled. A dazzling array of magic potions have been prepared and the battery-operated wand ready to deploy.

Just make sure that sweetie bowl is FULL when we hit your neighbourhood, or ....................(cackle, cackle, cackle!) 

WE ARE NOT OBSESSED----- MUCH

As our thoughts turn towards All Hallows Eve, we cannot help but be a bit miffed by suggestions that TT is obsessed with Dubbya.

Just for the record. We are not obsessed --- possessed, perhaps --- but we promise you, our obsessions are far more interesting than Dubbya!!

NEW IRAQ STRATEGY SLOGAN EMERGES

Let's see.

We had 'Mission Accomplished', 'Stay The Course', 'Clear, Hold and Build', 'Stand Up, Stand Down', 'Together Forward (1)' and now, 'Together Forward (2) - Until We Can Blame it All on Iraqi Failures'.

But, now that Dubbya has conceeded that he isn't satisfied with progress in Iraq, TT and Time Magazine (ok, it's a fake Time Magazine) have come up with the definitive slogan. It remains only for Dubbya to clearly articulate it!! 

DUBBYA AND BARNEY MEET WITH GENERALS ON IRAQ STRATEGY

Initially there was some confusion when Dubbya showed up this weekend to confer with the Generals Who Get Everything They Ask For (GWGWTAF) about America's strategy in Iraq.

The General's had expected him to show up with his most trusted advisor , Barney (the Dog) but admitted surprise when he also appeared with The Other Barney (the Big Purple One).

'Two and a half-brains are better than one', said a spokesman for Barney (The Dog).

Barney The Dog's spokeman was adament that the Iraq stratey would remain unchanged - only the tactics will be modulated. Barney The Dog's spokesman was firm in insisting that Operation Together Forward (based on the principle that as goes Baghdad, so goes the country) was not a strategic change. Barney himself said, 'we are calling it Operation Together Forward - Until We Can Shift All the Blame to the Iraqui's''. '

'This is a tactical change.' barked Barney himself 'and we have already begun to express our disappointment with the failures of the Iraqi government and people. You can expect this to increase until such time as the blame can be fully realigned.'

When questioned, The Other Barney (The Purple One), briefly stopped singing and said that 'Victory remains the goal in Iraq - we just have to redifine victory'. Pressed further, Barney turned slightly more purple and said that if Bill Clinton could redefine 'is' then they could redefine 'victory'. 'When everyone blames the Iraqui's for the mess - our job will be done and Victory will be ours' he said after a small jig.

One reporter asked Barney (The Canine) about Colin Powell's Pottery Barn theory (if you break it - you own it) but Barney' tossed the question to The Other Barney who pointed out that Pottery Barn does in fact have a generous 'returns policy' and allows you to take a replacement. 'We have our eye on Iran', said Barney (the Purple One).

Both Barney's were pressed as to why the Forward Together Strategy was being retained even if broadened to Forward Together Until We Can Shift All The Blame to the Iraqis. The Purple Barney, reportedly a tad testy at the challenge, pointed out that it depends on what you mean by 'Forward'. 'If you are lying on your tummy, then Forward we have been very successful in our strategic direction', he said before bursting into song.

The Generals contacted after the meeting said they had got Everything They Asked For. 

TROUBLE IN PARADISE???

As Dubbya and the Powers That Be huddled with The Generals (who get what they ask for) to 'adjust' tactics vis a vis Iraq, where was Condi??

Didn't Dubbya transfer the 'management' of the Iraq quagmire (it depends what you mean by quagmire!) from the Pentagon to the State Department? Hasn't everyone been saying the Iraq situation cannot be sorted by military means alone?

So, where was Condi? Clicking her stilettos 3/4 of a world away feebly trying to put the cork back in the North Korean bottle.

As in any marriage, is there Trouble in Paradise? Or, is Dubbya trying to distance his Office Wife from the muck of the Iraq fiasco to help her keep her hands clean (well, a fraction cleaner than the rest of the gang) in case she wants to pitch for his job?

Enquiring minds want to know. 

IT'S OFFICIAL: REHAB IS FULL!

TT strongly recommends that readers defer any plans to acquire an addiction or engage in any unseemly behaviour which they might want to attribute to addiction.

Rehab is full. Mel Gibson, Robin Williams, George Michael (well, he isn't in rehab yet but he should be), Pete Daugherty (grungy buddy of Kate Moss who is taking a holiday from rehab), Mark Foley and countless other elected officials and now Keith Urban.

Actually, we didn't know who Keith Urban was until he married Nicole Kidman a few months ago, but now he too has announced he has entered rehab (are all these places equipped with public relations people to spew forth messages from rehab?).

No word yet on whether Urban was abused by a priest (presumably not the one currently living on 'a Mediterranean island' and who apparantly shared naked sauna's with Foley).

So, better put those addiction and misbehaviour plans on hold -- at least until a few spots in rehab open up. 

JUST A MATERNAL GIRL IN A MATERNAL WORLD

Why is it that some find it hard to accept that Madonna might have an outpouring of maternal hormones as she departs Millawi after buying (er, we mean adopting) an orphan (er, well, an orphan who actually has a father but who is too poor to look after him).

The world is full of such cynics.

Of course, she couldn't actually STAY in Milawi for the legally required period before adoption (not her fault that her pilates instructor won't go to Milawi). And, surely not her fault that she cannot really hang around to actually get to know the child she has bought (or is it leased?). She has to get to pilates class and count the squillions she earned on her Confessions tour.

What semi-orphaned Milawian child would not want to be whisked away in a private jet to America (or is it London) to live with a self-absorbed but stinking rich icon???

The couple of million $ she has donated to establish cult-orphanages in the country is admittedly .0001 percent of her earnings from the Confessions tour but had she given any more she would have owned the whole country and that's a LOT of orphans (and their parents) just too many people for a meaningful pilates class.

Give the gal a break. What self-respecting semi-orphan wouldn't want their sex education to come from a convenient coffee table book???? 

SHE'S BACK

Not content with her 15 minutes (well, more like 57 minutes) of fame, the infamous bug-eyed Runaway Bride is making a lunge for a few more minutes in the limelight (some people just don't know when to disappear).

The Runaway Bride (also known as the woman with no eyelids) is suing the poor sod she left at the alter(well, days before) and, not incidentally, left him as a possible murder suspect while she cavorted her way across the country to Vegas and New Mexico. Then, when she did resurface, came the detailed (and we mean X rated) account of her supposed rape by a Hispanic man and woman (an account that went on forever and in weirdly explicit detail - more like an erotic novella).

Ms Bug-Eye -No Eyelids is suing for $500,000 plus a ladder (huh?? just give her the damn thing -she surely needs it to escape from something), a gold couch (gold is so '80's - give her that too) and the wedding gifts!! The wedding gifts??? Last time we looked wedding gifts got returned to the sender if a wedding got canceled.

Give us a break. We have moved on. Ms Bug Eye should be grateful she isn't in prison, shut up, disappear from even our peripheral vision and leave the guy alone!!! He should sue HER and then some says TT.

KJ II GIVES DUBBYA ANOTHER FOREIGN POLICY SUCCESS

Wow. Just when you think Dubbya cannot deliver yet another foreign policy success .....someone tests a nuclear bomb.

Of course, it isn't entirely clear yet as to how Kim Jong Il's little underground Korean BBQ can be spun as a success but we are sure they will come up with something.

One thing for sure, Dubbya-Condi's clever combination of refusing to negotiate with North Korea, stiff economic sanctions, 'outing' N. Korea as part of the axis of Evil, and refusing to give security guarantees that the USA will not pull an Iraq on the Koreans has sure worked well.

Gosh, it has worked so well with the North Koreans, it's bound to work with the Iranians.........Go for the Hat Trick, Dubbya!! 

REPUBLICANS MOVE AGRESSIVELY TO CONTAIN FALLOUT FROM FOLEY FOLLY

With mid-term elections only weeks away, Republicans moved agressively to contain the political damage from the Foley Folly.

A two-pronged strategy was outlined as the seemingly endless emptying of the Republican Gay Closet (NJ Gov. McGreevy obviously freed up some space in the closet) grew. Now the 'I Don't Know When to Shut Up' Foley has issued a statement through his lawyer (from pre-publication rehab) telling the world that he is gay (oh really?) and had been abused by a priest when in his teens (well, that certainly explains it all). But that's not an excuse says his lawyer (well, then just what is it supposed to be???).

The Republicans said they will:

1. Immediately introduce legislation to wall off all Congressional pages. Said one GOP big-wig, 'the plans for a wall to keep out illegal immigrants will be perfect for this'. Pages will be entirely protected from predatory congressmen in future. In a clear dig at Democrats, the GOP insider said the legislation will also cover interns as 'they too need to be protected from rapacious lechery'.

2. Mark Foley will be designated as an 'enemy combatant' which will prevent Foley from challenging any detention, facilitate his 'extraordinary rendition' to a CIA secret prison (which ever one is farthest away) and, give the CIA the ability to use 'alternate' methods of interrogation to get the truth out of Foley about those e-mails and IMs.

The White House hasn't quite caught up with the script or strategy as Flack in Chief, Tony Snow referred to the many other Washington Sex Scandals that were more significant than 'naughty emails'. Naughty emails??? When a 52 year old guy emails a 16 year old dude ' do I make you horny?', 'naughty' isn't quite the word we would have selected!!

Meanwhile, the sounds of hammering and banging that you hear are the sounds of construction as the Republican Wall goes up to surround and protect the Pages (and Interns)....OR, could it be (please, please) the sounds of a ton of Republicans finally getting tossed out on their posteriors?????? 

FOLEY TAKES A 'MOSS'

Now we get it.

Rep. (that's Representative not Republican, although he is both) Mark Foley has gone into rehab.

We will confess, until a few days ago, we had never even heard of Mark Foley. Chances are that, had he not a proclivity for writing 'inappropriate' (a/k/a sleazy, grooming, sexually predatory) e-mails to teenage pages (we also learned that pages do more than work for Royalty), we would never have heard of him.

Oh, and by the way, when are people going to learn not to put their crimes and misdemeanours into email???

So, Foley has taken a Moss (ie Kate Moss, who got caught and photographed for tabloid heaven , cutting and inhaling large quantities of a white powdery substance) and gone straight to rehab - do not pass go, do not collect any $, until your 30-day stint in rehab is behind you. What is it with these 30 day rehab programmes? Can you really kick the big 'C' or 'H' or 'A' or 'S' (that's sex in case you hadn't figured it out) addiction in just 30 days?? Apparently. Or, do you get to spend 30 days getting seaweed wraps and crushed pearl facials??

Foley follows in many well trodden footsteps. Michael Douglas checked into rehab for his horrible (yeah, sure) sex addiction after his then wife caught him in bed with her best friend . Robin Williams checked himself in for alcohol addiction after The National Enquirer (TTs bible) published photos of him yuking it up (and so much more) with a busty blonde. Mel Gibson also made a trek into rehab after cops busted him on a DUI and he spewed forth a torrent of anti-semitic bilge that became all too public.

TT cannot help but notice that these remarkable 'come to Jesus' revelations all seem to happen after someone gets caught in a big, stupid, public way. Ditto, Mark Foley.

We have decided not to wait for the humiliating public disclosure - we are going to do something bad, very bad......(maybe eat an entire tub of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chocolate Chip)....and check ourselves into Canyon Ranch Spa. All that BEFORE the humilation of front page headlines.

Then, clean and chastened, we will emerge and write a 'tell-all' book and make squillions of dollars.............pass the spoon please!!