ISRAELIS LOOK TO COLUMBIA FOR INSPIRATION

No one seems very sure who exactly is going to disarm Hezbollah.

Not us, say the United Nations and Israel's attempt to neutralize and disarm by force seems to backfired - big time.

Now, however, we are told that Mossad is looking to Columbia (narco-state, not spacecraft) as the unlikely source of inspiration for launching a secret squirrel project to get Hezbollah to hurl down their rocket launchers like gum wrappers on a New York street.

Apparently, in Pereira, Columbia, gang members and narco-thugs are tossing their weapons in record numbers as their wives and girlfriends have witheld their 'favours' in what the ladies call, the 'strike of the crossed legs'.

So successful have the ladies been, ('we want the men to know that violence is not sexy'), that the Israelis aren't the only ones taking a look at the strategy. Word is that legs are symbolically crossed throughout the Pentagon and CIA as 'crossed leg' special ops teams have been established to examine the feasibility of covert leg-crossing operations in Iraq, Iran, Afghanastan and even Congress.

Some cynics have suggested the tactics might not be transferable to those with a propensity for awaiting virgins in heaven - but stay tuned. The sounds you hear may be the clunk of weapons being tossed (and the quiet whoosh of silken-hosed legs crossing). 

NEW TERROR THREAT STRIKES FEAR

Far be it from us to say ' we told you so...' but....well, you know what we are about to say.

TT has long suspected vegetables had subversive properties and few strike us as more sinister than spinach.

Now, the proof is now indisputable. Holier than thou healthy types are dropping like flies across the US of A, striken by deadly e-coli as a result of consuming the demon veggie.

We don't want to make light of someone's tragedy but one poor toddler died after his mother slipped spinach into his smoothie (yuk, what kind of mother does that, we have to ask?). Poor kid. Had she shoveled in some Malteesers or chocolate chips, he would be alive today, even if a bit chubbier.

TT has been blessed with the 'bitter taste' gene and so we have spent a lifetime avoiding the possibility of being attacked by e-coli infected spinach (or other green leafy things). Many have scoffed at the notion of a genetic predisposition against things vegetable, accusing TT of simply not liking them. Science is on our side though - we cannot help ourselves, it's in our genes.

The Monell Chemical Sciences Centre (known for its ability to keep itself below the scientific radar) has concluded that those who love the vegetable have difficulty registering the bitterness. Those of us who are repelled ,have more refined palates and are highly sensitive to the sharp tastes. In other words, we really cannot take credit for having skillfully avoided the latest terror threat from the salad bowl - we have genetic armour to protect us.

We are sorry about the spinach smoothie - no one's last meal on earth should involve spinach and it is particularly offensive to us that someone would foist spinach on a youngster sureptitiously. But, there is something a tad ironic that a food most likely to turn up on the plates of those who think of themselves as health-conscious should themselves fall victim to the seditious threat of the Green Monster among us.

While we are sure it is completely co-incidental, truckloads of US grown spinach have been spotted heading for the Pakistan/Afghanistan mountainous border region (bin Laden territory)......stay tuned!

AUTHORS VIE FOR SPOT ON CHAVEZ BOOK CLUB

Forget Oprah's Book Club.

Once obscure (and not so obscure) authors swallowed whatever scruples they might have had and trampled each other in the stampede to have their book featured on Oprah's Book Club. No more.

A recommendation from Oprah meant (lound sound of cash registers) soaring book sales and $$$$$$$ for a book (and the author).

But now we know that Oprah isn't the only game in town. Enter stage left, Hugo Chavez (the President of Venezuala not the migrant workers guy).

While the mainstream media focused on the eloquent Bush Bashing assertions Chavez made to the UN General Assembly (the one where he called Dubbya 'the Devil himself'), Chavez firmly established himself, in the same speach, as the new Diva of American Literary Taste and Ensuing Riches for Authors (DALTER).

Chavez, who opened his speach by displaying a copy of Noam Chomsky's book, 'Hegemony or Survival:America's Quest for Global Dominance', recommended that Americans read the book rather than watching Batman and Superman movies which 'make people stupid'. Of course, he conveniently ignores the fact that many of the people who watch Batman and Superman movies were stupid long before they watched the movies.

Chavez went on to Bash Bush but apparently he lost most of his audience who went scurrying to Amazon.com instead and began frantically buying Chomsky's book. Hegemony was catapulted from publishing obscurity to the No 1 bestseller within two days.

A random survery confirmed Chavez' assertion about certain movie watchers - 9.5 out of 10 people who had seen Batman and Superman did not know what 'hegemony' means and 8 out of 10 couldn't spell it.

Oprah is reportedly meeting with her advisors to assess the challenge from this new literary tour de force but some folks aren't waiting. The authors of ' Metaphysics in the Kitchen', 'Geometrics of Isoceles Hyperbole' and 'Rocks: An Analysis of Stone-Age Weaponry' have all sent copies of their books to Chavez (currently languishing in literary Siberia) in hopeful but transparent ploys for his endorsement.

TT's plans to write a book this weekend (working title: 'Clearing Brush in Crawford: American Foreign Policy Analysis') are entirely co-incidental. 

GOULASH ANYONE???

Politicians around the world, from Berlin to Washington, are closeted today in emergency meetings.

Left, right or centre, the politicos are united in their fear of one man - no, not the platformed-shoed potentate of North Korea or the unmedicated President of Iran.

The object of their fear is Ferenc Gyurcsany. Remember that name.

Gyurcsany, the Prime Minister of Hungary (at least for the moment) was caught on tape (someone really has to do something about all these open mikes and recordings) admitting his governement had lied 'day and night' to win the elections and 'we lied throughout the last year and a half to two years'. Be still my heart.

'We've f---ed up. Big time.', said the eloquent Gyurcsany.

Sources close to the White House tell us that nothing in recent history has unified Republicans and Democrats so much - not even a war on terror - as the frightening spectacle of a Head of State admitting his government had been non-stop lying and 'doing absolutely nothing for the past four years'.

Few would speak on the record but all are privately appalled. 'The foundations of democracy have been rocked,' said one legislator. 'What CAN this man have been thinking?'

Meanwhile, the streets of Budapest continue to be convulsed by angry mobs - we are a tad unsure whether they are mad that the PM lied, mad that he admitted he lied (a lot) or mad because the goulash is overcooked. The cheek of it. The arrogance of it.

Sources at the White House and Downing Street advised us that no contingency plans had been developed in either London or Washington as politicos in both places were far too seasoned to ever be caught in such a 'new democracy' gaffe. We do not expect a 'Bangers and Mash' or 'Whopper with Cheese' equivalent to the Goulash Revolution, said one insider.

You just cannot make this stuff up!!

CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE COMES TO THE HEARTLAND...

Go figure.

Of all the things that might have moved America to civil disobedience (Iraq, Lebanon,secret wiretapping,'extraordinary' renditions, secret prisons, torture) who would have thought it would be foie gras that would finally push the country - or at least part of it - over the edge.

And, of all the places where one might have expected protests to break out (New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles), who would have thought the Mid-West would be that caulderon of simmering defiance.

Chicago city council became the first city in the US to ban foie gras (good - more for us!). In the period leading up to the day the ban came into effect, more foie gras appeared on more restaurant menus in Chicago than in all of France in a year!

Now that the ban has gone into effect, deep democracy seems to have taken root, not in Afghanastan or Iraq, but in the food emporiums of The Windy City. Restaurants that never even thought about serving foie gras are serving it openly and with everything. In a display of outrageous depravity, one restaurant is even serving it on The Windy City's deep dish pizza. Scary.

At first we thought the ban rather stupid. Now we not only support it 100% but want to see it enforced - with vigour. Wiretapping suspected foie gras suppliers and a little extraordinary rendition seems completely appropriate to us - whatever it takes.

Save foie gras (lots and lots of it) for those who respect it!!

MAKE THAT A DOUBLE CHEESE -- HOLD THE LETTUCE!

The fashion world is in a frenzy over the decision of Madrid's Regional Governments decision to ban 'too thin' models (yeah!) from the government sponsored Fashion Week.

Saying that they wanted to halt the 'heroin chic' look that is contributing to an epidemic of young girls starving themselves into eating disorder scrawness, already 30% of the participants from last year have been excluded for their pencily looks.

TT had no plans to participate in Madrid Fashion Week (Milan looks a better bet we think) but you just never know so we are taking no chances. Bring on the profiteroles! Supersize those fries! Oh, and hold the lettuce on that cheeseburger!! 

EMERGENCY!!!

TT is experiencing serious technical problems publishing our insightful and ground breaking observations.

A Commision of Enquiry has been established to determine the source of the difficulties although we tend to suspect we are the target of an unwarranted and invasive meddling (think black helicopters).

It is hoped that these technical obstacles can be cleared (bunker busters figure prominently in our strategy) expiditiously!!

AIN'T TECHNOLOGY GREAT???

TT is experiencing technical difficulties publishing our insightful analyses of monumentous events. NASA, the NSA, FBI and assorted other agencies are being consulted and we hope to be able to resume our normal publication soon......... 

GAME, SET, MATCH....

So, tennis icon, Andre Agassi, has finally walked (well, hobbled) off into sports history.

Tears flowed and an era came to an end.

Personally, we wish these athletes (and more than a few politicos) would call it quits while they are still riding the crest of the wave rather than wait till they have to be pumped up with cortisone to keep standing.

Rather, we admire athletes - like TT for example - who avoid ignomaneous defeat at the hands of some baby-ace.

Not to toot our own horn but TT did just that - indeed, better than that. We walked away from tennis even before we hit the crest of the wave, our racket high. We like to think of it as a pre-emptive strategy!

Sure, we could have gone on to win trophies, tournaments, lucrative endorsements and mass adulation but we would still have had to face 'that' moment when the racket has to be passed (or get wrenched away) to a new generation. So, why not just fast forward to the end game???

OK. We don't have all those memories or a wall full of trophies but we avoided years of arduous training, dietary torture and deprivation but we had our dignity (something we never quite had on the courts) and a big screen tv fills the hole where the trophies might have been.

A reasonable trade off we would say!