FRENCH AND ITALIANS INSIST ON UN UNIFORM REDESIGN

Surprisingly (not), it is proving rather difficult to put together the 15,000 man/woman/robot peacekeeping force in Lebanon.

The Italians finally committed several thousand troops, shaming the French into upping their commitment from 200 to 2000. Defensively, the French indicated the 200 was simply the first wave necessary to set up kitchens and menu planning for feeding the troops.

Both the French and Italians have denied that the difficulty in putting together the international force has anything to do with the lack of enthusiasm among nations for providing the fodder filling in the Hezbollah/Israeli sandwich.

A confidential source has told TT that the real problem is the ghastly sartorial garb that UN peacekeeping forces are obliged to sport. 'Baby blue is so 1980's', said one French official. And, one Italian source who insisted on anonymity because he is not authorized to speak about fashion issues, said the powder blue was a real obstacle to participation. 'It says estrogen rather than testosterone', said the official.

TT has it on excellent authority that both the French and Italians have teams working to redesign the uniforms and introduce new bolder colours so that a peacekeeping force, with a more suitable, sartorial presence can deployed.

No one was able to give TT an estimate as to when the new uniforms might be ready nor was anyone able to give us an estimate as to how the Kenyans (backbone of any peacekeeping force) might react, given their fondness for things powder blue!!

CRUISE TO ESTABLISH FILM PRODUCTION COMPANY ON PLUTO

Kerplop!

TT just loves the sound of obnoxious celebs being toppled off their pedestals. Splat!

Heh, heh, heh. Tom the Tooth Cruise got fired by Paramount, ostensibly because of his 'eratic behaviour'. Huh? We are no fan of Tom the Tooth but is that just the smallest smell of hyporcracy and disingenuousness we detect? Are there any celebs who aren't erratic?? Surely if stars are going to be fired for bizarre behaviour Hollywood might as well close up shop.

Maybe, just maybe, it has more to do with $$$$. Specifically the Top Gun is now a certifiable Middle Gun (think Vanilla Sky!).

Undeterred, spokesaliens for The Tooth have said that Cruise will open his film production company on Pluto. Like Cruise, Pluto was just summarily stripped of its planet status.

The spokesalien said this was actually The Tooth's dream - to be the centre of his own universe. The spokesalien refused to comment on rumours that Mel Gibson will be a partner in the project.

Kersplat! 

BADGERS ON A BUS (BOAB)!

And we thought all we had to worry about was lethal hair gel (if it can be exploded in a tube, can it be exploded if in someone's hair? big security implications we think) and imploding computers.

But, the number 1 (just) movie in the US over the weekend was Snakes On A Plane (SOAP as it is affectionately referred to in the blogosphere) gives us something new to obsess over. While the title gives little away, the film is about deadly, people ingesting snakes (including a Middle Eastern one) that escape on board a Hawaii-Los Angeles flight attacking everything, including a woman's breast, in their evil hunger-fed path. YIKES.

While the film distributors expressed some disappointment that its initial take was just over $13 million, TT sees room for considerable optimism. For $13 million a pop, we are preparing to release BADGERS ON A BUS, TURKEYS ON A TRUCK, SPIDERS ON A SCOOTER, and COCKROACHES IN A CAR. 

HOW FAR CAN A JAW DROP?? HOW HIGH CAN EYEBROWS SHOOT UP???

It is amazing.

Just when we think Dubbya can not surprise us - presto, he pulls another surprise out of his hat.

TT wasn't particularly surprised when Dubbya was photographed (above) sharing a literary moment with a young friend - complete with upside down book.

But, we will admit, we were surprised by the revelation that Dubbya's summer reading includes, The Stranger (L'Etranger in its French incarnation), by Albert Camus.

Now we know that Presidents have teams of people working year round to handpick the summer reading list that will be released to the press - all with a careful eye to the image it projects (no Danielle Steele or Jackie Collins likely on any of these lists). But, L'Etranger???

Bill Clinton's team was always clever enough to include a murder mystery to project that 'I feel your pain and like junk for my mind as well as my body' image. But even Willie's gang never came up with a dead French existentialist writer AND expect us to believe he was flaked out on a beach chair, smothered in tanning oil, reflecting on The Big Questions.

But, if Flack in Chief, Tony Snow is to be believed, Our Boy - when not clearing brush - read (and 'liked'), The Stranger. Can Kierkegaard, Sartre and Nietzche be far behind??? Surely, the fact that the book deals with a guy who pre-empitvely kills an Arab (and has no remorse) cannot be a factor. Was he reading the book right side up???

While some cynics suspected Dubbya had a copy of Sports Illustrated hidden or Animal House: The Book, the Flack in Chief said, 'non'. He wouldn't reveal the specifics of conversations with Our Boy about the book except that they had had a 'brief conversation on the origins of French existentialism, Camus and Sartre'. Hmmmmm. Sure.

Dubbya may be asking himself the Big Questions: Why am I Here (we would kinda like to know the answer to that one ourselves)? Is This All There Is (more than enough for our taste!)? But, TT will be asking the age old questions: How Far Can Our Jaw Drop? How High Can Our Eyebrows Shoot Up? How Stupid Do They Really Think We Are??? 

DEATH KNELL SOUNDED FOR GELLED HAIR

Squillions of airline passengers are being obliged to turn in their deadly hair gel before boarding flights.

This is surely the final nail in the coffin of the Squiggy-look.

We suppose the security gurus know what they are doing (wink, wink) but frankly we are a tad more worried about exploding batteries in the laptops that are now permitted on flights again.

With 4 million Dell laptops being recalled and millions more containing the explosive Sony batteries, we figure our chances of sitting next to one on a plane are a lot higher than being on the same flight as a Squigified terrorist. Thank goodness Elvis is gone (or is he?). 

FIT TO SERVE - BUT SERVE WHAT TO WHOM???

Gosh. We were so busy watching Democracy's March that we almost missed an major event.

Doctors (probably the same ones who swore Terry Schiavo was just resting) performed Dubbya's annual physical and deemed him 'fit to serve'.

Hmmm. But serve what (McDonald's? Taco Bell Burritos??)?? And to whom? Darth Cheney? Rummy?? the late Joe Lieberman?? It certainly has got us wondering.

It seems that all the Brush clearing and bike riding has left Our Boy in pretty good shape. Oh, he has put on five pounds but that's to be expected with all those bread rolls he scarfs down at those G8 meetings.

What we do not understand is how the mainstream media, lacking TTs acute eye, missed the big medical story buried in the fine print.

Dubbya is 1/4 of an inch shorter than last year. Seems Our Boy is shrinking in every possible way.

If you do the math, that means Dubbya loses an inch every Presidential term -- best argument we have heard for removing term limits on a President. Elect him often enough and he disappears for good!! 

BUSH CLEARS BRUSH

With Iraq, Lebanon, Iran, Afghanistan and North Korea pretty much 'on plan', Dubbya has started his annual August vacation on his ranch in Crawford, Texas(not to be confused with his December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July, September, October, or November vacations!).

Let's face it. They guy deserves a break and the world NEEDS a break. This is only the 60th time he has gone to his ranch since he first became President and who can blame him for wanting to scuttle off - he has only spepnt 385 days there. Some suggest things might be a lot better if he had spent more rather than less time there.

He won't be spending the month clearing brush as ususal though - and not, as one might think, because of cataclysmic world events. No. Anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan, who wrecked his brush clearing vacation last year, has actually bought land near Our Boy so she can permanently annoy, enrage and generally disrupt his brush clearing activities.

But what IS it with this brush clearing? Who else do you know that spends their vacation clearing brush??? And what is wrong with this ranch that he owns that there is apparently a limiless amount of brush to be cleared??? Personally, we would ask for our money back if after 385 days there was still brush to be cleared.

At least it explains why he has been recalcitrent in clearing the brush (and deadwood) from his administration............ 

MAD MAX - A GOY GONE ASTRAY

Big shocker.

In the course of being arrested for drunk driving - Mad Max Mel Gibson apparently let loose a barrage of anti-Semitic vitriol. What a surprise - and here we thought he just had it in for gays.

Mad Max has done the obligatory ' I am heading straight for rehab till all the nasty press dies down and I can come back and make more squillions of bucks with my new film in an obscure language no one understands or plans to learn' . But , MM is taking it one step further and has reportedly signed up for conversion classes at a nearby synagogue. His handlers report he has refused the bacon sandwiches he normally enjoys and interpret this as a sign of his sincere contrition.

While MM blamed the demon rum, his hairdresser offered a more insightful analysis - MM, he says , is going bald and 'there is a lot of rage over that'. Hmmmm. On the other hand, maybe he is just a rich arrogant, ignorant , homophobic, anti-Semite who drinks too much????