SHILOH NOUVEL IS NOT A DELI SANDWICH--YET

Yawn.

Brangelina finally had their baby Namibian, Shiloh Nouvel. Shiloh Nouvel? Well, why not? Peaches, Fifi, Apple, Suri and Moses are ok so why not a good Namibian name like Shiloh Nouvel?

First pic of the brangelinette is rumoured to fetch $3million (hurumph, they can have TTs first pic for half that price!).

The Brangelina Family may have started a trend though - heading off to remote spots to have your spawn away from photographers lenses. We understand that Britney Spears is heading to Antarctica for her next event---or is it that she is shipping that creepy husband of hers there???

Wake us up when its over. 

JUSTICE DE-LAYED

Finally.

It has been a while coming but looks like Kenny Boy and Jeff Skilling will finally be getting themselves fitted for some new suits - and we aren't talking Armani!

About time say we. Just make sure those stripey suits are durable and capable of withstanding 165 years of Johnny Cash!

KERSPLATT (sound effect borrowed from Tom and Jerry cartoons). We just love the sound of Arrogance and Greed getting knocked off its pedestal.

TT TO LAUNCH 'BROKEBACK CODE'

Squillions around the world ignored the pundits and critics and jammed cinemas this weekend to see the 'Da Vinci Code'.

$224 million isn't a bad opening weekend for a film that has been trashed and thrashed - for $224 million TT stands ready to be trashed.

Thanks to Dan Brown (whose book also was trashed and thrashed but still managed to sell a septa-squillion copies) TT now sees our pathway to literary riches - and we are NOT talking about eloquent prose!

The key is clearly to p--- off Organized Religion (of all shapes, sizes and configurations). We think our extensive experience p------ off the Sisters of Saint Mildred. positions us perfectly for the next big Literary Windfall.

Since plagerism seems to be in vogue these days, we aren't so worried about originality. Inspired by Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper (surely such a great painting can inspire more than one novel??), we are working on a plot that involves Judas, Paul and Thomas and we are calling it 'Brokeback Code'. Think this will get those Opus Dei types ready to protest? 

BUSH DEPLOYS MANPOWER TO DEFEND THE BORDERS

Relax.

Dubbya has it all under control.

Some 6,000 grizzled but friendly guys are to be deployed to defend America's borders - well, actually just one border. No word on what will be done about the Pacific coastline, the Atlantic coastline, the Canadian border (Canadian are ALWAYS slithering south to buy cheap stuff) or, the Florida coastline. And, will there be more grizzled but friendly guys posted at all those airports??

We shall have to see but in the meantime, those pesky Mexicans will be held at bay by The Grizzled Guys. Unless, of course they are ready to come in as Slaves (er, we mean 'GuestWorkers') in which case the Grizzled Guys will welcome them and launch them on their 11 year, low wage journey to singing the National Anthem in English at the 'back of the line'.

Don't you just love it when a plan comes together???? 

QUICK!!!! GRAB A SHOE OR DOWNLOAD SKYPE!!!

We feel SO much better.

Dubbya has given us his word that the government isn't 'mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans'.

It just, according to a story in USA Today, accepted tens of millions of phone records from four, just a tad too eager to please, telephone companies.

Dubbya says its only those in America with links to al Quaeda and their known affiliates. Tens of millions?? Surely if there are tens of millions of call records, that makes America the new epi-centre for Quaeda. Maybe they think Osama is at the Canyon Ranch spa in Tucson?? Is this some sort of secret squirrel project to keep all those Quaeda types from escaping from America and turning Alaska into the new Guantanamo??

And, as for those phone companies, they certainly give a whole new meaning to 'reach out and touch somebody'.

We feel a bit conflicted. Are we more peeved with Dubbya or the phone companies??? Well, TT says, a pox on both your houses.

We are now reaching for either our Maxwell Smart shoe to make all our calls, or better yet, Skype. They haven't figured out a way to track our calls via Skype and what's better -- we don't pay a penny to those Evil Telephone companies.

When Skype and their ilk put Verizon and the gang out of business, don't come crying to TT. Oh, and by the way, don't those bright sparks at the NSA etc think the Bad Guys use Skype? Hahahahahhaha. These are guys who have escaped capture for more than four years and manage videos from caves!! Wonder what Osama's Skype name is.........

TT OPENS NEW HEADQUARTERS

TT's headquarters is open for business!!!

Sure, there are still critical supplies of vintage wine and other comestibles being ferried in but that hasn't stopped us from keeping an eye on Sleazy Ken Lay's trial.

While we supervised a gaggle of buffed and toned young moving-men (special pre-selection process), we chorkled to see that Ken said he couldn't remember the name of the boat he chartered for his wife's birthday party. Natch, at Enron (or should we say Enron shareholders, employees and pensioners) expense. This was no Kozlowski Michaelangelo urinating vodka but it was a $200,000 charter for the night. But, poor Ken couldn't recall the boat's name.

Amnesia! Ken, the boat was called, Amnesia!!!!

Good grief!

Now, where did they put the Tattinger????

INTO THE NIGHT, DISCREETLY....

TT, with our usual propensity for understatement and discretion, formally departs for new and equally understated Headquarters.

Even as the paparazzi swirled and street urchins flung flowers, we could not be totally distracted from events. We shook our flaxen locks when we read that, once again, Keith Richards fell out of a tree while vacationing (well, ok, last time it was a ladder).

As the choral tributes flowed, we could not help but take note that, at least according to Dubbya, Iraq has 'turned a corner'. Of course, if you keep turning corners in the same direction, are you not going in circles? And if you turn corners in different directions, is this not an erratic zig zag?

And as the New World Headquarters looms on the Horizon we feel certain that letters await us to confirm our selection on People's 100 Most Beautiful list and Time's Most Influential.....they weren't in today's mail so we have to assume the efficacy of the Royal Mail's post forwarding service!!