TT WARNS OF ORPHAN CRISIS

TT sees a definite 'orphan crisis' brewing.

Pictures like this will just be only a heartstring-yanking memory if Rich White Western Women keep scooping up adorable Orphan Infants and putting them on the Fast Track to fame and fortune. It would seem that Foreign infants have the inside edge in the race for instant family status - apparently there are no kids in the USof A who need nannys.

Angelina Jolie is, of course, the poster girl - having scarfed up a Mohowk-haired Cambodian and saucer-eyed Ethiopian. She has made little secret of her desire to construct her own United Nations (never mind those quickly hushed up stories suggesting neither child is actually an orphan and the 'adoptions' somewhat suspect). One mustn't let annoying details like parents interfere.

We have Calista Flockheart and now Meg Ryan who appear to have miraculously simultaneously acquired Adorable infants and nannys -- who are also, apparently, orphans. Is there a Catalogue of Orphans? Just pick a pic and hop on that plane to China/Cambodia/wherever and pick yourself up a tiny tot.

Even a 55 year old Johnson baby oil heiress whose name we forget (all we remember is that she is having an affair with her neice's boyfriend) has whizzed off to Cambodia (or was it Vietnam?) to get herself a Barbie Baby.

Now, that obvious beacon of Motherhood, 25 year old Jessica Simpson says she wants to 'adopt a few' alien tots before she 'has her own'. Jessica, we hate to tell you this but they WILL be your own.

Clearly, once you have a closet or two full of Prada, a Designer Orphan is the Next Big Thing. What next? Will Paris Hilton acquire a Designer Orphan to go with her mangy, scrawny little pooch? Will she buy a handbag big enough to carry the dog AND the Tiny Tot??

Always in the vanguard of trendspotting, TT sees a crisis brewing - A World Shortage of Adorable Orphans. Better make that donation to UNICEF now while there are still Orphans without a celebrity home!!!

WORLD AWAITS BIRTH OF ALIEN SPAWN

We could be watching Paris burn (the City, not the Hottie).

Or, we could be reflecting on the outcome of the elections in Israel.

Or,. we could be waiting with trepidation to see what the Security Council plans to do with those Bad Boy Iranians.

But, there are others who can carry those burdens for the time being. TT is now officially on 'Alien Spawn' watch.

Poor possessed Katie Holmes is due any day to produce Kitty or Tom Cat. Surrounded by her Scientology mentors, we are told it will be a birth conducted in silence and without drugs in compliance with the 'Church's teachings. A Church whose diety is apparently called, Ron. Only a guy could dream up rules for childbirth that banned drugs and yelling.

But, lest we feel too sorry for Katie, we must be reminded that she will not be without solace. It IS permitted to hang giant 'whiteboards' in the birthing room on which soothing messages can be written. Certainly, when we are in pain there is nothing like a message on a 'whiteboard' to bring us relief (messages like, GIVE ME DRUGS OR I WILL KILL YOU, spring to mind).

Paris is just going to have to burn without out eagle-eyed observations. We have much more important things to do. Pass the air sick bag again, PLEASE. 

GIVE THE GAL A BREAK....

The tabloids are taking great glee in reporting that the Duchess of Rotweiller spends more than $5000 a month to have her flaxen locks coiffed (not counting what it costs to keep her locks flaxen).

Judging from the above photo, one might uncharitably suggest she is due a refund but this is exactly why she HAS to spend so much.

Just as we felt a twinge of sympathy we learned that her 'celebrity' on-call hair stylist (they don't call them hairdressers any more), Hugh, boasts a celeb clientele that includes Joan Collins. Joan Collins? Seems to us that for that amount of money, Hugh should be ready to deny he does Joan Collins' hair - not broadcast it.

Give the Duchess her money back or at least take on a celeb or two who have follicles one can lust after!!!

TT REVEALS DIRTY LITTLE SECRET .....

If there is one thing we have learned from the ladies of Wysteria Lane, it is that behind those perfect looking facades, Dark, Dirty, Little Secrets are lurking.

In the TT tradition of full transparency (ie a transparent ploy to get TT readers to reveal their Dirty Little Secrets), we are going to reveal our Dark, Dirty, Little Secrets (well, one of them!).

We are addicted to '24'.

Once a week we are transfixed by Jack Bauer's Herculian efforts to save the world from the oblivion threatened by a variety of insidious Evil Doers and a dazzling array of Weaponry (nuclear bombs, dirty bombs, biological agents, nerve gas, bad scripts ).

Once a week we watch the worst acting in the world. So bad, it doesn't even rate on the Razzie radar. So bad, it makes Paris Hilton's performance in House of Wax seem Hepburnesque. But, still we watch.

Once a week, we let the message machine handle any phone calls from folks who are not equally transfixed. It is never required so we assume we share our Dark Secret with others.

We unquestioningly and obligingly absorb some of the world's worst dialogue (ie. 'I'm sorry, it's taking me a while to get used to you being alive').

We have no problem with Presidential wives who approximate Hillary Clinton with a chain saw and a willingness to use it on people who get in her way. The psychotic First Lady-killer Sherry was finally divorced by the President. But, in a come-back to put Bill Clinton to shame, she came back as a Presidential advisor and mow down a few others who got in the wayof her lust for power.

Did we ever question the judgement of the President who chose her to be his wife and, even after her Evil Ways were revealed, brought her in to his Administration ??? Of course we didn't. We just tuned in again the next week - at least until she was brought down in a hail of bullets.

We marvel at Jack Bauer's loyalty to the current season's President who makes Dubbya look like the President of MENSA.

Blackmailed by one of his Top Advisors into remaining silent over the Advisor's involvement in the assassination of a former President (the improbable black President who married the psychotic, power-hungry, murdering Sherry), the Genius President finally comes clean when confronted by Jack: ' I only just found out about it (that his advisor was involved in the assassination of a former President) a while ago'.

Does anyone bother to try and impeach this guy? Arrest him for covering up his own administration's involvement in the assassination of a former President of the United States??? Nah, there are dangerous nerve gas pellets in the control of terrorists that need to be apprehended and not so many episodes left to do it in.. Oh, did we mention that those Nasty weapons are controlled by the Evil Terrorists (not the same ones that had previously shot down Air Force One) because someone in the Adminstration GAVE them to the terrorists in the first place?????

Whew. What a combination. Bad acting. Worse dialogue. Improbable and Incompetent Characters. Politcal Intrigue and Corruption. Murder. A world where torture and other nefarious actions are necessary (and successful) to defeat Evil which lurks only a heartbeat away from the Presidency. Any time soon, we expect 24 to get its just rewards --- a nomination for Best Documentary .

Pass the popcorn and switch off the phone, please!! Oh, and while we are waiting for Jack's next adventure , feel free to share YOUR Dirty Little Secrets.

TT RECOVERS FROM OSCAR SCHLOCK AND AWE

Today, we are in recovery.

Oscar delivered its usual dose of Schlock (Dolly Parton? Guess she and her fashion consultant are alive after all), Awe (Gay Cowboys mowed down in a car Crash ) and healthy doses of political correctness (one couldn't have gay characters dominate TWO films garnering awards could one?).

There was drama (who was that woman in the orange neon strapless gown who was jumping up and down so frenetically when Crash was annointed that she almost lost the gown?), scary hair (Helena Bonham Carter managed to look like something out of her husband's film, Corpse Bride), and embarassing appearances by aging stars (did Lauren Bacall have a few too many bellinis or was she just too vain to wear her glasses so she could read the teleprompter?).

We will spend the day finishing up the champagne (no point letting it spoil) and mulling on the Politically Correct 'Some of my Best Friends are Black' bulldozing of Brokeback by Crash (we did think Crash a good film - this was no Aviator). And, as we scarf the leftover bubbly we will marvel on the unique logic of Hollywood where a film, Crash, can be deemed best picture but garner nothing for its director or actors and where a Director, Ang Lee, can be annointed ' the Best' but his film gets no acting awards, no cinematography award and isn't the best film................

LOQUACIOUS QUEEN OR GAY MARLBORO MAN???.

The champagne is on ice, the tv set to record (no reason to stay up all night when one can boil it all down to 45 minutes on Monday morning)and we are ready to have our questions answered.

Will the loquacious queen beat out the monosyllabic gay Marlborough Man? Probably.

In a Hollywood that loves actors who transform themselves (Charlize Theron did it for Monster but far too pretty this year in North Country), what of the svelte guy who turns himself pudgy (George Clooney)? The pudgy guy (Phillip Seymour Hoffman) who miraculously becomes tiny and svelte(tougher transformation and you don't get to eat donuts all day) seems to have a lock. But, we think the woman, playing a man, transforming himself into a woman may just push the Hollywood envelope farther than it wants to go all in the same year so don't hold your breath Felicity.

Could the race-obsessed Angelino's pull an upset Crash on the Gay Cowboys??Who will scarf the most free-bees, have the most cleavage on display be able to understand Mel Gibson if he insists on speaking Maya, the language of his next (YAWN) film? Will all those penguins show up to collect their award if they win??

For now, we have no answers, only a lot of suitably chilled beverages and comestibles to ease our angst.......

WORLD GETS ANOTHER LINDA BLAIR MOMENT FROM DUBBYA

Just when we had got our head to stop spinning from Dubbya's last Linda Blair moment - presto, he gives the world another one.

The turbanless Dubbya beamingly announced a 'historic' nuclear pact with India. 'Historic' strikes us as just the right choice of words - fits right in with the overall 'strategery'.!!

So, let's see if we have this straight. India gets to keep its nuclear arms programme as long as it separates it from the civilian programme and brings the civilian programme under international inspections. Huh??? Isn't it the military programme someone should be inspecting????

Maybe our head wouldn't be spinning so fast if we understood how it is that it is such a crowning achievement that India gets to hive off a third of its nuclear reactors to inspection-free military control - including those 'fast breeder' reactors (converts spent nuclear fuel back into fuel for power plants or bombs).

Maybe Condi should stop pumping iron and excercise her brain cells. Since when did a deal that lets India build as many nuclear weapons as they want (as long as they don't do it under a civilian, internationally inspected programme) merit such self-congratulatory beams and back slaps. Are we missing something here??? That's some tough bargain that 'lets' India have enough fissile material for up to 50 nukes a year! I sure feel safer knowing those Bollywood types can't even think about that 51st bomb till next year.

Anyone care to explain this to the North Koreans, Iranians, Chinese and, oh yes, the Pakistani's???? Or, anyone else for that matter. When did Santa Claus become America's Chief Negotiator?

Maybe if our head weren't spinning so fast we could figure out the double-standard-speak!!

I SPY THE LONDON EYE....

TT has been a fan of Google Earth since its inception - but now we are not so sure.

We love the idea that we can zoom in on our vast property empire around the globe (checking on those tenants sun-bathing habits is just a handy by-product).

We also love the idea that we can spy on (er, keep in touch with) our friends (hey, is that a new SUV sitting in the driveway in Castle Valley??) wherever they may be ensconced.

And, given our role observing geopolitical ebbs and flows, we really like honing in on those Iranian and North Korean nuke sites. We don't quite understand why Dubbya et al are spending squillions to search for Bin Laden or watch the Bad Guys' training camps when we just download Google Earth for free and voila!!!

Unfortunately, we just realized that if we can see our friends (and enemies), THEY can see us!!! This is a problem. We just want to state for the record that that was NOT TT scarfing down a calorie laden triple chocolate fudge brownie - although we were sitting next to someone who was. It was NOT TT who slipped into that casino - the casino is near the London Eye and untrained observers can be forgiven for confusing the two.

We are still a fan of Google Earth - things sure look peaceful in Castle Valley - but think perhaps, like Dubbya's spy programme, it should remain in the hands of those (like TT) who will use it responsibly (heh, heh, heh). Time to apply more suntan lotion, folks!!