DUBBYA TO PRESENT 'PLAN C'

For those who aren't washing their hair or performing other important tasks, Our Boy, Dubbya will be giving his State of the Union address tonight (again? shouldn't there be a rule that only one state of the union per term?).

We have it on excellent authority that Dubbya will be revealing, Plan C, for Global Peace and Harmony. Plan A, invading Iraq and neutralizing it as a threat to world security, was undermined when no WMDs were actually located and the happy smiling faces of Iraqi's greeting their liberators turned a bit hostile - hurling bombs instead of rose petals.

Plan B, hasn't worked so well either. Palestinian voters have done what America and Europe never did, hold the Palestinian Authority accountable for years of corruption, mismanagemant and killing. Of course, democracy can be a tricky business. Those pesky voters have a habit of not always doing what they are supposed to do. And, no amount of hanging chads are likely to appear and helpfully rejig the election that has given Hammas its clear electoral victory.

And, as America and Europe prepare to pull the plug on funding of the Palestinian Authority, at least the rules of the game are getting clarified. You can get squillions of dollars if you are only corrupt and inept but only if you say things you don't mean and cannot deliver. Heh, doesn't a year without a Hamas suicide bomber get some credit ? (Loud squishing sounds coming from the rotten tomatoes being hurled at TT). Surely if the IRA and African National Congress can re-brand Hamas can too?

So, tonight we hear that Dubbya will reveal the framework for Plan C. For the first time, TT understands that Dubbya's musings will be simultaneously translated into English.

Unfortunately, we have plans to wash our flaxen locks this evening.

DON'T MESS WITH RICH, OLD, BORED AND OVERFED PEOPLE

TT has always known that rich, old people are a tough bunch - especially when bored and overfed. Now Cunard also knows that messing with this demographic is big trouble.

A rogue band of some 1,000 rich, old, bored and over-fed people (ROBOPs) came close to recreating Mutiny on the Bounty when their cruise on the QM2 was forced to drop three stops on their itinerary (Saint Kitts, Barbados and Salvado) due to mechanical problems.

As they steamed (literally) towards Rio, the ROBOPs worked themselves into a sublimation frenzy - rejecting Cunard's offer of a 50% refund. Gorging themselves on Beluga caviar and Krug (with Metamucil chasers) and fueled by energy-boosting massages and seaweed wraps, the ROBOPs threatened to barracade themselves (with suitable quantities of caviar and Krug) in their staterooms and hold a mass sit-in when they got to Rio.

With beluga-stained shirts, the ugly mob has now apparently been subdued with promises that the full cost of the cruise will be refunded. Personally, TT thinks it is the ROBOPs who ought to pay Cunard for sparing them visits to Barbados, Saint Kitts and Salvador. Sounds to us like they ate and drank enough to buy Barbados and half of Saint Kitts!!

Next time granny complains, better take those complaints seriously or you, like Cunard, will learn that you never, never, never mess with ROBOPs. 

DEVESTATING EFFECTS OF FOIE GRAS CONSUMPTION NOW CONFIRMED

Time to cut off Jacques Le Sleaze's supply of foie gras, croissants, profiterolles, champagne and chocolat!!

TT has long suspected that these tasty treats might not be the cornerstone of a healthy diet. Never one to rush to any hasty conclusions we have kept an open palate (why yes, I would love another slice of foie gras please).

Now, however, we may need to take stock after Jacques Le Sleaze's declaration that France would not hesitate to use nuclear weapons . Clearly, all that foie gras has clogged the arteries that lead to the common sense section of the brain!!

As if Iran didn't have enough reasons to acquire nuclear technology!

The Americans and Europeans have been trying to convince Iran that just cause it lives in a dangerous neighbourhood,where all its neighbours have 'the bomb' (China, Russia, Pakistan, India, Israel) is not a valid reason for them to have it. Oh sure, the neighbourhood was invaded and occupied by someone who has nukes, is the only country to have used the bomb and declared Iran to be part of the Axis of Evil but that is hardly a reason for the Iranians to be so intransigent.

Dubbya may have muscled his way into the neighbourhood but even he didn't use nuclear weapons (oh, a little white phospherous maybe, a few predator drones etc). But, now we have a Baguette Rattling Idiot (the 't' is silent) to ride along side the cowboy booted one - unless of course it is an arcane Francophile strategy to position himself for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Time for the tough decisions. Forget imposing an embargo on Iran. The world must immediately halt supplies of foie gras, profiterolles, baguettes, croissants and champagne to Jacques Le Sleaze - it is a matter of World Peace - and divert them to TT.

Un autre profiterolle s'il vous plait!!!! 

BRITS USE FAKE ROCK TO SPY ON RUSSIANS

We have Dubbya listening to our phone calls, opening our letters and looking through our 'googles' (guess he will know we got this picture from Google Images). But it all looks a bit unsophisticated in comparison to those Brits who are using fake rocks to spy on the Russians (and who knows who else?).

Fake rocks? Will we ever be able to look at our garden in the same way? Can a telephone in a shoe be far behind?

BEST EATEN COLD.....

If research results from a study conducted by University College, London are confirmed, TT must face the shocking conclusion that we are actually a guy in drag.

So-called scientists, used a brain scanner to measure the reactions of men and women watching a 'banker' who had cheated them (in a game) being punished with little electrical jolts. It would seem that the women took no pleasure or satisfaction in the wrongdoers pain - they empathized with him!!!

Men, on the other hand, showed no empathy and those parts of the brain that are responsible for feelings of satisfaction, went into overdrive. The men who most wanted revenge got the most satisfaction in watching the wrongdoer's pain.

We think the researchers are wrong. TT admits to admiring the woman who snipped off all the sleeves on her husband's tailor made Saville Row suits when she discovered he was having an affair. We applaud the woman who hand delivered, to perfect strangers, all 500 vintage wines in her hubby's superb wine collection - revenge for his dalliance with a neighbour. Indeed, we keep a series of lists, some dating back more years than we would care to admit, of persons, animals - even plants - that have wronged us and for whom we await only the perfect moment and the perfect opportunity to inflict our revenge.

Our ' Honey and Red Ants' List is the most serious. It contains scores of names for whom, when the moment comes, we will happily smother their naked bodies in honey, tie them to a stake in the Arizona desert and release squillions of red ants all over them.

So. Either these researchers need to go back to the drawing board OR, TT must accept the only other conclusion we can draw from this - TT is a guy in drag. At least it would explain our sudden attraction to cowboys. 

OPERATION 'PISS OFF PAKISTAN' DEEMED A SUCCESS

The White House is furious about the release of a photograph which seemingly shows Dubbya and Pakistan's President enjoying cordial relations.

Sources have told us that the photograph is out of date and that 'Operation Piss Off Pakistan' is actually a success. Our sources maintain that Pakistan is 'truly, madly, deeply pissed off'. ' The Operation has succeeded beyond our wildest hopes', said one secret squirrel source in the Lack of Intelligence Community.

'How can this not be a success?' asked one source who insisted on anonymity beyond his initals (C.O.C.K. U.P). 'We fired six missiles from an unmanned Predator drone into a Pakistani village - where we are not supposed to be operating. That alone is enough to piss them off ' said C.O.C.K.UP).

Flawed intelligence again was credited with the perfect execution of the Strategy. Reports that the Al Quaeda Number 2 baddy, Al-Zawahiri was to have been attending a dinner party in the village were hopelessly wrong, according to our source, but since Al Quadeda has 6,344 No. 2s, 'we had a lot of leeway to make sure we really piss off the Pakistanis'.

Even as some were continuing to express doubts over the success of the Strategy, Secret Squirrel sources close to the action insisted that of the 18 villagers killed, most were women and children. 'Tens of thousands of Pakistanis held anti US demonstrations. We would have liked to see a bigger turnout but we are convinced that we have really pissed off the Pakistanis and think this gives us somthing to build on,' said the source.

The White House, seeking to bolster its success claims, pointed to the comments of Pakistani Parliamentarian, Haroon Rahed, who lives in the area. He said, most killed were women and children and all were locals - no 'foreigners' (code for Al Quaeda). The White House sees this as independent confirmation that Operation Piss Off Pakistan was a success.

One official, who declined to be named, did conceed that it would have been nice if Al-Zawaheri had been bumped off. He had been on the dinner invitation list but rudely didn't show up. The official claimed the CIA couldn't be blamed if Al Quaeda failed to follow the rules and honour their r.s.v.ps.

Officials claim that Operation Piss Off Pakistan is a muti-pronged strategy, not a one off, and efforts will continue to ensure there will be no more counterproductive photo ops.

DOESN'T EVERYONE SKI DRUNK?

Good grief.

Pity the poor hot shot skier , Bode Miller. Not only does he have to endure that unfortunate name but those bastions of purity, sports journos, organized sports - are dumping all over him.

His sin? Admitting on national television that his medal winning ski performances had not always been achieved while sober (or without a massive hangover).

We will confess. We don't get it. If one isn't supposed to drink and ski (at the same time) then how come every ski resort has 20 bars for every skier? And why do they have all those scenic 'pit stops' along the slopes serving mulled wine if drinking and skiing is verbotin?

Frankly, we thought you HAD to be drunk to put on a pair of wooden boards and screech down an icy hill at the speed of sound in a rubber suit!! Would anyone do that without the assistance of the appropriate liquid beverage?

Looking at this recent photo of TT performing on the slopes, we can assure you that our blood alcohol level was suitably elevated (see photo below). So, why should Bode MillerTime be held to a (quiet, discreet burp) a higher standard? Leave him alone, you steroid guzzling, bribe taking hypocrits - pass the champagne please.....

 

A SPROUT TOO FAR......

It never fails to amaze us as to the weird stuff people try to sell on eBay. But, even weirder are all those suckers (errr, afficianados of kitch) who plunk down cold hard cash to buy such artifacts as old cheese sandwiches and toast which looks like the Virgin Mary (or some other Virgin).

TT abandoned any pretext for following the Alito hearings. Do people realize how dangerous the CO2 levels are getting when Joe Biden et al ask questions that last 18 minutes? We figure these hearings have accelerated carbon emmission levels by at least a decade. So, while we wait for something less dangerous we have decided to make some money on eBay.

Right now, the lowly Brussels sprout is HOT. Some bright spark is selling a cooked, but uneaten Brussel sprout - left over from Christmas dinner. Top bid at the moment is $100. Hmmmmm.

We also found a single 'uncooked but lonely' Brussel sprout that 'needs a cuddle', although $2 is all anyone is ready to pay for it at this point.

There are 12 people on the planet (presumably) who are in a heated bidding war (top bid currently $84) for a Percy potato that 'needs a Brussel sprout family' and two enthusiastic and compasionate bidders are struggling for custody of a 'confused bean that thinks he is a Brussel sprout'.

We feel we have enough information to put our (photo above) hand-carved Nemo-Sprout up for auction. But, in fairness to TT readers we will give you first crack. Bids start at a $250,000 open and will be dealt with on a first come first serve basis. Send your bids in complete confidence to rootveggies@aol.com and good luck!!

CALL A STRUMPET A STRUMPET !!!

Soon, it will be ok to call TT a strumpet (we prefer hussy) in the State of Washington.

In a stunning blow to gender inequality, State legislators are poised to shred a 1909 law that makes it illegal to call a woman's virtue into question. In short, call TT a strumpet today and you are guilty of a crime in Washington (and New York, incidentally) . But, soon you will be able to impugn our virtue without sanction as the possibly underemployed State legislature moves to repeal this artifact of skewed values. Personally, we think it a badge of honour to carry the hussy/strumpet label(especially of the wanton variety) and welcome the move. Bring it on, we say. If guys can be rakes and rogues and casanovas, then why shouldnt we be able to be strumpets and hussies??

Democracy may be on the march in Iraq but it is also proceeding at a gallop in America.

Florida has finally nuked its law forbidding unmarried women from parachuting on Sundays - a particular bee in our bonnet. Long have we wanted to parachute in Florida on those glorious sun drenched Sundays!! And, we are really pleased that Maine has done away with its prohibition against tickling men under the chin with a feather duster. Until recently, we were forced to retreat to New Hamphire or Vermont for those tickle sessions. We are feeling positively liberated -- now, if Texas will just let us adjust our stockings in public (12 months in jail strikes us as a tad excessive) the emancipation will be complete.

What next? Brokeback Mountain in a Utah cinema? Well, maybe not. But a spokesman for the Salt Lake City cinema which 'cancelled' the showing of Brokeback Mountain tells TT, the movie has not been ' cancelled', just rescheduled to open in 2163.

However, TT readers may want to stay tune -- hold off on those strumpet calls for the time being, or step in to California to do it!!

TT POSTPONES NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS TILL LATE MARCH

Like most folks, TT had an ambitious list of New Year resolutions -- not picking so much on Dubbya, renouncing our unhealthy preoccupation with the foibles of celebs, de-emphasizing our interest in the superficial, becoming svelt (er).

However, TT has learned that Dubbya's Secret Squirrel Espionage Programme is being expanded from just listening to all those chatterboxes in Al Quaeda and Those That Are Not With Us. The National Security Agency and CIA will now also be monitoring progress on New Year's Resolutions.

Given this development and fearing this might leave us vulnerable to 'secret rendition', we are revising our list to come up with much more modest goals.

Our new list will be ready in late March, a much more logical time for New Year resolutions (spring, commencement of the planting season etc). TT readers may also wish to take note of these developements and revise your lists accordingly.

How to Achieve Your New Years Resolutions - Facts and Figures