THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA.....AND SEQUINS....

Pope Benedict XVI has the chattering classes chattering.

Some are talking up the infammous 'Instruction Concerning the Criteria of Vocational Discernment Regarding Persons with Homosexual Tendancies'. That's the latest incantation of Benedict's 30 years of homophobia - gays not welcome to be ordained. Unless, of course, you have 'overcome' those 'tendancies' for at least three years before being ordained and don't 'live the gay lifestyle' (no house on Fire Island I guess).

Apparantly, if your homosexual tendancies are 'transitory', the gate to the monestary will still be open . But, just what is a 'transitory' homosexual? One who moves residences frequently? Lives in a trailer park? (no, cannot be - no gay person would EVER live in a trailer park!!)

PULEEEEZE.

Is anyone really surprised by any of this?? Did anyone really think that acquiring the papal ring might wipe away three decades of committed homophopia? Frankly, if being gay means the Catholic Church doesn't want you, then we are going 'straight' to Gay School! Sign us up.

All this angst over the ridiculous 'Instruction' has diverted from the real news. Our Boy would seem to have a 'deeply rooted' fashion sense that seems a tad in conflict with eschewing worldy goods and all that.

First we saw him in Gucci shades and now we hear that Annibale Gammarerelli, papal tailors for squillions of years, may get the axe because his sartorial nibs is not happy.

Fashion mavens and Vatican observers are agog that His Homophobic Excellency has ordered himself up some new duds---duds with 'shimmering, sequin-like details'. Hmmm. Shimmering, sequin-like details? Which brings us to a key question. Are drag queens necessarily gay? If gay, are their 'tendancies' considered 'deeply rooted'. Can you be ordained if you are a drag queen but not a 'practicing' gay person?

How many sequins are too many?

These are the questions we thought needed answers - that is until we saw a pic of His Glitz wearing RED Prada shoes!!!! CLICK HERE AND TAKE A PEEK AT THOSE SHOES. Now we have other questions.

Is it ok to mix Gucci and Prada? What colour Prada's go best with sequins? Time to get the debate back to the important stuff.

We await the Spring publication of 'Instruction Concerning the Criteria on Fashion Discernment Regarding Persons with Flash (and deeply rooted) Tendancies.

WORLD CRISIS: PUMPKIN PIE SHORTAGE PREDICTED

There is still time.

Before global supplies of pumpik pie become seriously depleted and prices skyrocket, TT readers still have time to stock up.

Important new scientific research from the highly regarded and incredibly obscure Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation is likely to set off a global stampede to acquire pumpkin pie (and lavender and doughnuts). Remember, you heard it first here.

Eminent scientists at the Smelly Foundation tested the effects of 30 odours on penile blood flow (we hope TT readers spam filters let the P word through) and discovered that all 30 odours have amazing results - although by no means equal.

Most impressive results came from pumpkin pie and lavender, altlhough it is a bit unclear from the research whether the two odours are tied for best results or whether the results are only achieved when the two odours are present together. Hmmm. Could be important.

But, the results speak for themselves. Pumpkin pie and lavender resulted in a 40% increase in P----- blood flow (and we know, wink, wink, what that means).

Of course, those that devoured a couple of pieces of pumpkin pie as part of their holiday feasting may be a bit too worn out right now to act on this important information. Too bad.

Fear not. It would seem that doughnuts and black licorice are also very potent - increasing P----- blood supply by more than 31%.

For the less frisky, we advise staying away from pumpkin pie, lavender, doughnuts and black licorice. Stick to buttered popcorn (9% increase) or the poor cranberry (2 percent increase - hardly worth the effort of eating them).

We cannot help but wonder about the post=Thanksgiving condition of those that feasted on turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie , a couple of licorice allsorts - all consumed in a room containing fragrant lavender candles!!!

Best to move those supplies of pumpin pie, doughnuts - even the buttered popcorn and cranberries - out of the kitchen and into the bedroom where they belong.

For full research results to guide your larder stocking practicesCLICK HERE ON 'EAU DE POPCORN BEURRE' - LIFE ENHANCER.

'FAIR AND BALANCED'......OR ELSE!!!

TT was comforted by the assurances of CIA Director. Porter Goss, that the CIA doesn't use torture. Of course that left us a little confused as to why the Vice President, Darth Haliburton, would be lobbying congress to exempt the CIA from a 'No Torture' dictum.

Our confusion was dissipated when Goss clarified his remarks. The CIA doesn't use torture ....but it does use 'unique and innovative ways to extract information'.

Hmmm. We had been wondering just what those ' unique' and 'innovative' techniques might be but thanks to the British press we are starting to get an idea.

The Daily Mirror reported on an 'Eyes Only' transcript of a meeting between Dubbya and Tony Bush (April 2004) in which Dubbya said he wanted to take 'military action' against the Arabic TV station, Al Jazeera. (Tony supposedly talked him out of it).

Now, we know the Bushies are apoplectic about Al Jazeera but 'military action'? Against a TV network?? Sure, the conversation between Les Boys did happen when the Bushies were livid at Al Jeezera for inconveniently showing pictures of the asssault on Falluja.

Sure it was inconvenient to show the US military using 'white phosphorous' weapons('shake and bake' as the military affectionately calls them because of what they do to the people they are used on) Guess we know where the chemical weapons are but you can't really invade yourself!!

Sure it was inconvenient to show all those civilians being 'shaken and baked' (what's another 1,000 in the total bodycount? These people should have been more careful about who they let into the neighbourhoold.)

Attacking a TV network?? Is CNN next?? They did have that rather hilarious incident a few days ago when Big Black X's appeared over the Veeps face (a la Hollywood squares) while he was dumping on those who dared to suggest the War in, what Comedy Central calls, Messopotamia was a mistake. Computer glitch says CNN about those big black X's. Sure fellas!!!! But you'd better watch your p's and q's.

The White House, between bites of turkey and sweet potato pie, first suggested Dubbya's comments about bombing Al Jazeera were just a joke (one of the President's 'one liners'). Yeah, that is certainly possible. Bombing an Arabic television network in a friendly country sure sounds pretty funny to us!!! Presumably someone thought better of that response and so now it is just being dismissed as 'outlandish'.

Funny that two British Civil Servants have been charged under the Official Secrets Act (a first in spite of all the Iraq documents that have already been leaked) for leaking the transcript. Curious if it isn't true. Curiouser,the British Attorney General put the newspaper on formal notice that it will also be charged under the Official Secrets Act (we are talking Big Time Jail, folks) if any more of the transcript is disclosed. A first!!

Hmm. Strikes us as pretty strong action if the whole thing is just a bad joke, or 'outlandish'. Actually, TT thinks 'outlandish' may be just the word for it.

We know the Bushies hate everything that isn't put through a Fox News screen, with special venom reserved for Al Jazeereh (pioneer of free expression in a part of the world where it exists in teeny weeny quantities). Al Jazeera has carried exclusive interviews with OBL, broken taboos by interviewing Israelis, criticised Arab regimes (gasp). It seems to us that AJ is as Fair and Balanced as Fox , CNN or the BBC, but clearly not Fair and Balanced enough for Dubbya et al.

We are sure the US shelling of Al Jazeera's offices in Kabul by a 'Smart Bomb' was an accident----someone accidentally used a 'Dumb Bomb'.

The fact that Al Jazeera offices in Bagdad were hit when US forces entered the city (even though AJ had given the US military its co-ordinates to avoid being hit) was also accident - oooops!!! If you buy the fact that the bombing of the Chinese Embassy in Kosovo was a mistake because the CIA was using 'old maps', then you should be ripe for the 'Accident of War' theory vis a vis A Jazeera!!

Before AJ is Fair and Balanced out of existance, TT readers can sneak a peak in the post-turkey lull BY CLICKING ON 'UNBALANCED DOESN'T BEGIN TO DESCRIBE IT'.

TT thinks Bombing a TV network's offices definitely qualifies as 'unique and innovative'.

SOMETIMES TT SCARES EVEN TT!!!!

Sometimes, TT's uncanny ability to predict the future scares even us!!

Only five days ago (Wednesday, November 16, 2005 to be exact) TT told readers that Dubbya would thank the fledgling democracy of Mongolia (on more of a saunter than a march) for standing with America in the quicksand (can one actually stand in quicksand?) of Iraq.

Presto!!

This morning we are greeted with headlines and photo ops with Dubbya thanking Mongolia for its support in Iraq and some badly needed fashion accessory advice for the US military . Bush (and TT) just LOVE those pointy little hats!!!)

We continue to insist on using our considerable predictive capabilities for 'good' and resist the temptation to apply these talents to the stock market and other vehicles for making ourselves (and our cronies) fabulously rich!!!

CHINESE CHICKEN PUZZLER PERPLEXES

TT hasn't spent much time worrying about Avian (bird) flu... we know Dubbya has a pandemic plan so we have been pretty relaxed about it.

We are perplexed by the Chinese though.

Yesterday they announced that all chickens in China would be vaccinated - thats about 8 BILLION chickens!! At least.

Yikes. How do you vaccinate 8 BILLION chickens (other poultry would push those numbers way up)? We are perplexed.

Do the Chinese really have 8 BILLION little teeny weeny needles just lying around? And how come they have enough vaccine handy? Did they know something we didn't? How many people does it take to vaccinate all these chicks? We guess the one thing the Chinese have in plentiful quantities is people!! And, how long does it take and how do they know which ones have been vaccinated and which ones haven't? Little teeny weeny tags?

TT is perplexed but we will remain alert for signs of trouble at KFC but TT readers should remain vigilent -CLICK HERE ON AVIAN FLU ALERT -and keep your parrots away from parties and other activities where crowds 'flock' together.

EEEEEK ALERT: TT sources in Bejiing report we were mistaken (gasp), there are actually FOURTEEN BILLION chickens to be vaccinated in China!!!

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH.....THE TOUGH GO TO MONGOLIA

Some have expressed surprise that Dubbya would be heading to Mongolia -- but not TT.

Obviously Dubbya would like to thank Mongolia, a key Coalition member in Iraq. The four soldiers and 36 camels are reportedly a significant asset in fighting the insurgency and Dubbya wants to ensure their continued support.

Unindicted White House sources tell us that Dubbya also likes to personally check out 'black sites' before enemy combatants are sucked up and handed over to the CIA for 'massage therapy' ('we don't do torture! code for, 'we don't do torture on American soil and always use tweezers instead of pliers'). The same source strongly denied that John McCain is to be classified as an 'enemy combatant' but was notably silent when John Kerry's status was sought.

One knowledgeable insider tells us that Dubbya is also on a mission to address the critical lack of cronies as his existing stock has become seriously depleted. This in spite of the fact that as one crony falls, twenty seem to appear to replace them so we don't really buy this Crony Crisis theory.

With Dubbya's popularity below the 40% approval level, some cynics have suggested the time was ripe to get him to the most remote place possible on the theory that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And, the odd photo op of Dubbya on a camel wouldn't hurt. Personally, we just wonder what's wrong with the thirty plus percent who STILL think he is doing a good job!! Is there a way we could ship them to Mongolia?

Of course the conspiracy theorists see this as a precursor to bringing 'Freedom and Democracy' to Mongolia -- many believe Mongolia will be a lot easier than Iraq. Mongolians are reportedly arming themselves in anticipation of Freedom and Democracy's imminent arrival.

High level sources tell us that secret meetings with Mongolia's power brokers have been scheduled and a Poll Points for Food deal (loosely based on the Oil for Food Programme in Iraq) is as good as done. Mongolia will get oodles of yummy American food (the camels are salivating) in exchange for a 10 % increase in Dubbya's popularity. Mongolia's leadership enjoy 100% popular support so can easily afford to give Dubbya 10%.

For full details on the Mongolian DealCLICK HERE ON CRONY SHORTAGE TO BE HEADED OFF BY MONGOLIAN TRADE DEAL.

ETHICS ARE NEVER BETTER THAN WHEN THEY ARE 'REFRESHED'

So, Dubbya is sending his naughty staff off to remedial (they call it a 'refresher') Ethics Classes.

Is that the sound of sniggering that we hear???

CLICK HERE ON FOUR YEARS AND COUNTLESS TRANSGRESSIONS TOO LATE.

LET THEM EAT CAKE

It is a bit curious.

Curious that, after more than ten days of rioting throughout the New Orleansesque suburbs of France, the guy who loves to hear himself talk more than even Geraldo Rivera (Jacques Le Slimee Chirac), had remained so silent.

We think les pundits should cut the guy some slack. Everyone knows that it takes at least ten days to respond to a national crisis - just ask Dubbya.

Platitudes would have been easy but a substantive response to the decades old problems of unemployment, discrimination and poverty cannot be 'spun' overnight. There is no French Karl Rove.

Resisting the temptation to talk for the sake of parlaying, M. Le President finally emeged from le Bunker with a three point plan for addressing the festering sores that spawned the current 'crise'.

1. The squalid enclaves of poverty and discrimination will be the centre of an economic regeneration plan - tens of thousands of jobs baking baguettes and croissants are to be created;

2. An intensive programme of 'social inclusion' is to be launched, with recruitment for the Folies Bergeres to be focused on the poor and indigent who, French authorities say, have legs that are just as long and shapely as 'the real French''; and,

3. A wealth redistribution programme will be launched immediately with ' real French people' distributing cake throughout the troubled enclaves.

Rioters informally advised French authorities that Le Presidents plan was a 'good beginning' but wondered why only cake? Why not a modest burgundy, a 'ronde' or two of Camembert and a tureen or two of cassoulet to take the edge of the november chill. Hungry to begin with, a piece of cake seems inadequate after a hard night of rioting.

Jacques Le Sleazy was reported to be donning ceremonial garb with a view to making a symbolic appearance at an unnamed three star Michelin restaurant tonight.CLICK HERE FOR INFO ON 'LET THEM EAT CAKE STRATEGY'. Le President is expected to also announce that each and every ghetto of despair will have at least one two star Michelin restaurant by 2085.

CRUMPETS AND XXXXXXX XXXXX - ESSENTIAL TO BEING BRITISH

If you don't know where Scouse is spoken, you may not be British enough to become a citizen. Assuming, of course that is your aspiration.

As of this week, prospective British citizens will have to pass a test called, Life in the United Kingdom, supposedly to help new citizens to gain a 'greater appreciation of the civic and political dimension of British citizenship'.

Hmm. Now, we certainly understand that new citizens should be expected to know the answers to questions like, what do you serve with crumpets? (clotted cream, of course) or What do you call the rubber things you put on your feet to tramp through the sodden countryside? ( Wellies). Bangers are best served with?? How could anyone expect to be made a citizen without such fundamental knowledge?

TT suspects the number of new citizens is going to drop dramatically though. Oh sure, some questions are core to citizenship: What should you do if you spill someone's pint in the pub? (we kid you not!!) .

What's the minimum time you must have been married before you can divorce?

Almost 60 million people live in the UK. By what factor do the native born English outnumber their Scottish or Welsh neighbours? ( 9:1, 7:1, 6:1 *)

But come on guys - Where is Scouse spoken? (Liverpool). We suspect most home grown Brits cannot answer that - do they get stipped of their citizenship? get sent to remedial citizenship school or Guantanamo Bay??

Frankly, we much prefer the US questionnaire for new citizens - Which country is the Best in the World?? (wink, wink) Which country makes your views on abortion and gay rights the litmus test for everything? Which country 'Forcefully' (more winks) supports the spread of Democracy? Much more relevant we think!!CLICK HERE ON DOPEY CITIZENSHIP TESTS FOR MORE INFO.

* 9:1

IT'S MAGIC!!!!

It would seem that TT was not the only one who had a hectic Halloween.

Dubbya, Wizard in Chief, was clearly busy mixing up magic potions. In 24 hours, we have Harriet Who? Tom WhatsHisName?? Indictment? What indictment? Dubbya just waved his magic wand and presto, Scooter, Harriet and Tom are just distant memories and we are now able to focus on The Pandemic Crisis.

Dubbya has acted quickly and decisively - setting up pandemicflu.gov so we can relax and give our overworked broomstick a rest. We feel a whole lot better knowing there is a website .

We are actually pretty excited.

Just as we were getting our Turbo-Charged broomstick revved up, an alert TT reader drew our attention to fabulous news from Holland. Not only is it the country of sensible shoes and even more sensible cheese, but it would seem that it is also the country of sensible tax policy. Our very well informed source advised us that a Dutch court has ruled that the cost of witchcraft courses are tax deductible (if they increase the liklihood of income or employment).

Never one to take things on face value - even from a TT reader - we naturally went to Magic Curtain, the news portal relied upon by most serious wizards and witchesCLICK HERE FOR SPOOKY NEWS.

Now, it is true that there are some humourless Dutch people (most of the population) who are upset about the ruling but we see it as a major victory. Why should doctors be the only ones to deduct their 'continuing education' (which usually happen in highly desireable venues)?? Witches too have to keep up with the latest potions and spells and maintaining a good broomstick isn't cheap. Why should it be looked at any differently than the travelling salesman who needs his car to flog his wares??? And, a clothing allowance seems to us to be essential. Keeping a supply of stylish pointy hats doesn't come cheap. Tax deductibility for essential tools of the trade seems to us to be completely appropriate and long overdue. Cauldrons just don't last as long as you would think.

It is true that for the moment it is just the Dutch who have this enlightened approach but now we see that Dubbya is such an adept practitioner of witchcraft, we KNOW that witchcraft and its tools will get the tax treatment they deserve -- at least once the Pandemic Crisis has been solved and every American knows what a Pandemic is, how to spell it and why it will take $7billion to fight this newest source of terror .