TT MAKES 'PEOPLE' MAGAZINE MOST BEAUTIFUL LIST - NEARLY

In case you missed it, the Pentagon yesterday announced that the US military had captured Arch-Terrorist Al Zarqawi.... nearly!!

This of course comes on the heels of a previous announcement that the US military had 'almost' captured Mega-Arch-Terrorist, Osama Bin Laden.

What is it with these people that they keep issuing these breathless announcements about 'almost' and 'nearly'????? Well, what is good for the goose, as they say......

We can announce that TT made the 50 Most Beautiful People list for 2005 - nearly!! In fact, we also 'almost' won a Nobel Prize and 'nearly' won an Oscar.

OK, we are No. 51 on the Most Beautiful list(bumped off by someone called Chilli - go figure) but how can we take these lists too seriously when you have people like Chilli or someone called Farruquito on the list. Is Farruquito something you serve with Chilli????

Some would be consumed with disappointment- even rage - at being a 'Nearly' on the Most Beautiful People list, but not TT. We are very pleased that our ability to stroll along a Kenyan Beach with Brad Pitt - unrecognized - has been preserved. That's more than we can say for Chili, Farruquito or Mark Feuerstein!!!CBS News | The (Most) Beautiful People Are Back! | April 30, 2003?16:25:40

GOD IGNORES BEN

Poor Benedict.

With smiles that remind us of the cat that swallowed the canary, the new CEO of the Catholic Church tells us that he prayed to God during the papal election, NOT to be elected Pope. Hmmm. THAT has to be a first!!

Some would find these revelations somewhat suspect. This IS the guy who at 9 declared that he wanted to be a Cardinal - (not that he wanted to be a priest, or serve God, or help the poor or eradicate world hunger)- when a visiting Cardinal emerged from a limo, in crimson robes and rings, to face the adoring throngs there to meet him. Ben, ambitious?? Of course, we can understand how some might be just a tad suspicious of his failed conversation with God but TT takes him at his word.

Appararently God chose to ignore him, not a very auspicious beginning to a Papacy we say. If God ignores the Pope then what chance do the rest of us have?? And, pretty rude of God to ignore the impassioned prayer of his humble servant.

It would seem that as the balloting continued Ben realized that God was ignoring his prayers. He was to be swept into the role he really, really, really didn't want. Ben describes the moment of realization as like 'the gullotine would fall on me'. Ben, Ben, Ben. Becoming pope is like having your head chopped off?? If this is all such a heavy burden then how come after 70 years of never smiling you now wander among the adoring throngs with a smile that is positively orgasmic - or as orgasmic as a German smile can be.

Others may question 'God's Rotweiller' but TT accepts all this at face value but cannot help but wonder what is the merit in having a pope that is ignored by God?? Guess it is just another one of life's imponderables....

PASS THE PROFITEROLES (AGAIN) PLEASE...............

It has taken modern medicine a while to catch up to TT but better late than never we say!!!

The Journal of the American Medical Association has published a groundbreaking study that vidicates the Profiterole as a key element of the food pyramid.

It seems that researchers have now concluded(yes, I will have a few of those crisps, please) what we always knew - you CAN be too thin (significantly, they did not conclude that you can be too rich!). Being too thin, it would seem, poses series health risks and being overweight is better for you. Ah HA.

Of course, those cautious scientists have their caveats - they talk about a 'modest' amount of excess weight but modesty is in the eye of the beholder is it not?(Hmm. Is that Ben and Jerry's chocolate chocolate chip you have there?).

Flush in our vindication by medical science, we feel pretty relaxed about having that profiterole - or two - and, to be extra healthy, surely that chocolate sauce makes a lot of sense??

TT readers who share TT's concern about healthy living canCLICK HERE AND WHIP YOURSELF UP 8 TO 12 CHOCOLATE SAUCE DRENCHED HEALTH SNACKS.. We just have to think , though, that given these new medical findings, that someone needs to reevaluate pushing poor Cookie Monster on to this 'cookies are a sometimes food' business. How is any self respecting Cookie Monster gonna keep on those extra pounds unless cookies are an ALWAYS food? In the mean time....pass the chocolate sauce please!!!

JUDGES RUN AMOK!!!

One might have thought that Tom DeLay would be trying to avoid the limelight right about now but clearly this is a man who is ready to put himself at risk when he sees Evil that must be rooted out or feeding tubes that must not be removed.

TT had been worrying about Dubbya et al running amok but it took Tom DeLay to make us realise that the real threat comes from the judges!!!

It would appear that Evil is rooted in the judiciary at the very highest levels - the Supreme Court!! It took DeLay's principled stand to make us realize the danger that Justice Kennedy poses (hmmm. didn't Ronnie appoint him?).

DeLay has stripped Kennedy's nefarious shenanigans bare. Seems Kennedy has been writing decisions 'based on international law, not the Constitution of the United States'!!! ' Outrageous', says DeLay. Shock and Awe says TT.

But, it doesn't stop there. Most egregious, DeLay reveals that Kennedy 'does his own research on the internet'. More shock. More Awe. (Who would have thought a guy his age was even owned a computer?). What next? Judges using email? Downloading music? DeLay points out (good he did, cause we just would never have focused on this if he hadn't )that doing his own research on the internet is 'just incredibly outrageous'.

Hmmm. Some have suggested that the Ethically challenged DeLay is losing it but we say they have their tenses wrong . And do we really want to keep whatever it is he is losing (or lost)??? Maybe Justice Kennedy can do some on-line research into electroshock therapy, housing for the deranged or the benefits of medicating the mentally unbalanced.

HARD AS KRUPP'S STEEL.

It was a day of mixed results for 'The Enforcers'.

For Joe, now to be known as Benedict, it was a day of white smoke in the Vatican. The Enforcer, who has headed up the Vatican Unit which was in charge of 'The Inquisition', gives hope to us all. Who would have thought that a Hitler Youth Alumni could rise to become the spiritual (and commercial) head of the world's Catholics?? Maybe that's where, 'God's Rotweiller' first honed those skills (how to get under barbed wire , bayonet drill and grendade throwing strike us as particularly useful skills for keeping the flock in line).

And, we know that he eventually deserted from the German Army - of course it WAS May 1945 (not everyone realized that with Hitler's suicide, the Russians taking Berlin and Auschwitz liberated the war was over so his defection surely counts for something?).

Thankfully, April is almost over (who decided April, 2005 was the month of the Catholic Church?Enough already) and we can get back to important stuff - like the Spears-Federline pregancy (one more argument for proactive birth control, Benedict).

We apparently have to endure Spinning Cardinals (what a wonderful choice!! just cause he opposed Turkey's entry into the EU as being 'in conflict with Christian values' and has virulently opposed birth control, homosexuality, expanded roles for women and laymen in the church, etc etc etc - none of this should lead one to sterotype him as a reactionary!!oh, and that smug smile was actually quite a spiritual reflection of inner joy ).

Time to turn to the grey smoke in Washington where no vote was taken in the conclave designed to annoint Mr 'Kiss -Up, Kick Down' Bolton as US Ambassador to the UN. . Looks like Dubbya's personal WMD is going to have to wait a little longer for his white smoke.....

Personally, TT thinks Bolton's moustache is enough reason to vote against his nomination!!!

IS NOTHING SACRED???

It's official. The cartoon world is imploding!!!

Forget SpongeBob and all those cartoons that are supposedly pouring out of the closets, undermining the very fabric of societal values. The REAL story, the REAL threat seems to be completely ignored.

Cookie Monster is doomed!!!!

It would seem that his human masters are so consumed with political correctness that Cookie will now espouse a moderation message - cookies will become a 'sometimes' food. Cookie moderation?? Cookies, SOMETIMES??? THIS is the real threat to the societal values we cherish!!

What an absolute outrage. Cookie isn't Cookie unless he is scarfing cookies ALL THE TIME. It is all too much for TT.

What next? The Carrot (or Turnip) Monster????

If we wanted our cartoons to be the voice of moderation we would have made Dr Atkins or Jenny Craig the King (or Queen) of cartoonland.

Enough we say. We want our Cookie Monster to be insatiable and relentless in his quest for cookies but betterTAKE A LONG LAST LOVING LOOK AT OUR HERO BY CLICKING HEREbecause the next time you check he will probably have morphed into the Lima Bean Monster!!!! Give us a break....oh, and pass those chocolate chip cookies...ALL of them!!!

CHIRPY CHIRPY CHEEP CHEEP

Unless the Monaco Royals decide to move up the funeral of Prince Ranier to tomorrow, Fred and Gladys (a/k/a Chuck and Camilla) will finally tie the knot.

Never mind that his dad plans to keep 'an engagement' in Germany in the evening (yikes, what a snub when your dad choses bratwurst over you!), that his mum nixed the sit-down candlelight meal for 700 and has replaced it with a stand-up of 'finger food' (think cucumber sandwiches sans crust).

Ignore the fact that neither of his parents will attend the actual wedding (in the local town hall after Windsor Castle had to be ditched or risk having to open it up to any yob who wanted to get married there).

Never mind that a host of Royals have other commitments and won't be attending - like the Prince of Sweden who has an extremely important engagement opening an IKEA store (yikes, bring on the bratwurst).

Forget the fact that a fluke weather system is moving in and SNOW and/or hail and other disgusting meterorological weirdness is forecast for tomorrow. England isn't noted for the weather right?? Even die-hard Republicans would have to admit that after a winter with nary a flake, Mother Nature seems to be a bit meanspirited about this.

And ignore the fact that those wedding souvenirs aren't selling. Guess no one wants to dry their dishes with tea towels festooned with the pics of Gladys and Fred. A few entrepreneurs have snapped up those with the April 8 date figuring that with 'errors', like with stamps or currency, their value will appreciate - I wouldn't order that private jet just yet though.

Forget all those constitutional experts pontificating as to whether the marriage is even legal or whether Gladys will be/could be/should be Queen. This is a love story where the only error seems to be that the groom married his trophy wife first.

Gladys and Fred first locked eyeballs in the summer of 1971 - a summer noted for the fact that Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep was number 1 on the Music Charts - where it sat for 34 weeks. Word is that as the 'finger-food' is passed around, Gladys and Fred will take a first dance to the strains of Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep.TT readers, who can be forgiven for forgetting the song and its immortal lyrics, can CLICK HERE ready for a sing-a-long.

Of course, the wedding is still 24 hours away. Anything can happen. The Ranier funeral could be moved up. The Pope's funeral could exceed the 22 hourse currently scheduled or, genetics experts could point out that Gladys and Fred are apparently ninth cousins once removed (we always knew those royals were a chromosone away from maddness) and the jinxed nuptuals could be again thwarted.

Just in case, though - get out that copy of Chripy Chirpy Cheep Cheep!!! Orders for teatowels or mugs can be placed, before the gargantuan quantities disappear, at rootvegies@aol.com.

WHITE SMOKE REPORTED IN BROWARD COUNTY

OK. Enough with the adoring throngs!!

What is it about death that manages to sanitize and levitate?? We sure hope the same thing happens to TT when we head for the great Turnip Patch (or Root Cellar).

Sqillions pack the Vatican for a glipse of the waxy pontiff (how do they DO that without embalming? are we the only one who finds it repulsive?) and world leaders trip all overthemselves to herald his Greatness (is that a fast track to sainthood that we hear?).

We admit it. TT is one of the six people on the planet who are not going to Rome . Are we the only ones who see J.P. as something less than saintly? This IS the same John Paul the Great who managed to roll back the 'achievements' of Vatican 2!!

Sure, Ted Bundy he wasn't, but PULEEEEZE. Surely in the squillions of words being written there is at least a little gluttony that mars the image that is as waxy as the corpse?

Graham Greene once dreamed of a newspaper headline reading, 'John Paul canonises Jesus Christ'. No 'first among equals' for this guy. J.P. wasn't to big on the 'equals' part.

We do give him credit for his tepid 'apology' for the Church's failure to speak out against the Nazi's persecution of the Jews and he did establish formal 'diplomatic relations' with Israel (not to mention racking up the Mother of All Frequent Flyer Points - wonder who he left those to in his will?). And, he is the first pope to attend a mosque and a synagogue.

But, give us a break. We guess he is saintly if you don't happen to be female, gay, female-gay, believe in safe sex or live in a bario and are about to have your 12th kid. This is the same guy who condemned condoms as the 'culture of death' - tell that to the millions of Catholics in the developing world who are dying of AIDS. Or, who just cannot feed the kids they have and continue to have .

This is also the same guy who rewarded Boston Cardinal Law, who systematically covered up the clerical kiddie-sex abuse scandal, with a cushy job in Rome -- right next to a long list of loopy far-right weirdos and synchophants. Makes me wanna run out a buy thousands of copies of the DaVinci Code!!

Unfortunately it looks like the orgy will continue ad nauseum till the poof of white smoke rises from the huddle of Cardinals while they select a new CEO. CHECK OUT THE LIST OF VOTERS and TT readers will note very similar demographics to those of Broward County(without the women, of course). Swift Boats for Opus Dei are cranking up the ads and PACs are dispensing funds in support of their favoured candidate even as the squillions continue to arrive in Rome. TT would rather like to see Lustiger, the Frenchman, get the nod. With a Jewish mother, Jewish mother's everywhere could tell their sons that someday they may grow up to be the Pope!!!

We never thought we would say it but Chuck and Camilla's nuptuals will be welcomed - is there a way they could last a little longer?.

'CURVEBALL' NAMES TT AS PAPABILLI

Gosh.

The squillionth 'investigation' into the Iraq/WMD intelligence failure has concluded that the info about those roaming labs stuffed with biological weapons came from a single source, affectionately dubbed 'Curveball' (or, as Maureen Dowd called him - Goofball).

German intelligence fingered 'Curveball' (didn't the name trigger ANY kind of suspicion?) as an alcoholic, delusional, out of control defector with more than enough baggage to question his 'intelligence'.TT thinks his tin foil helmut and antenae should have been a tip off. Didn't anyone in US intelligence wonder just a bit when the guy kept asking Scottie to beam him up???

Top intelligence officials tell us that 'Curveball' has a good track record though - he said Aviator was a 'sure thing' to win Best Picture, that Brad and Jen would re-unite and most recently said that TT was definitely a Papabilli - pope eligible. TT has carefully consulted the
UNIVERSI DOMENICI GREGIS
and believe that , once again, 'Curveball's' assessment is a tad flawed. Just in case, however, TT wants it to be clear that if called - we will not serve!!!