SO, WHERE's MY NEW YACHT????

Hmmm. We hadn't really expected Santa to leave our new yacht under the tree but as the day wears on, we have started to wonder just what has happened to it (and all the other OTT gifts).

Fortunately, we were able to tap into Norad headquarters who, when not eavesdropping on Evil Doers or protecting America from the Great Canadian Menace, track Santa's travels.

Now we know that our yacht, jewels, big screen tv and private villa have been delayed in Belarus but are on route. TT readers who may not yet received all the gifts we sent them should immediately check on Santa's progress for ETA. CLICK HERE ON WHERE'S MY STUFF, SANTA????.

BIG FAT GAY WEDDINGS POSE PINK PRODUCT CRISIS

Unless you have been lurking on an iceberg off the coast of Greenland, you know that Elton John and George Michael are getting married - well, not to each other but to their respective partners.

Elton is hosting an intimate celebration of his nuptuals (tomorrow), on Day 1 of Gay Marriage in England. He and his Canadian consort won't be the first in the UK - the first was performed Monday when the Civil Partnership Act took effect (yeah, its gay Marriage without the M word) in Northern Ireland. Yes, the same Northern Ireland where only a few years ago it was illegal to buy condoms now has gay marriage.

Elton won't even be the first in England when the law takes effect at midnight tonight - that honour will go to the improbably named Mr. Rainbow.

But, as A-listers know, Elton and his partner will have a discreet ceremony tomorrow, followed by a massively indiscreet (complete with video good wishes from Bill Clinton) blow-out for 700 or 800 of their closest celeb friends. But they are not alone. At least 25,000 other couples are lined up right behind them - including distinguished military historian Sir Michael Howard (83) who is tying the knot after forty years plus with his spring-chicken partner, 63.

Which brings us to the pink champagne. It is now impossible to find a bottle of pink champagne anywhere in the UK. It has all been scarfed up for those Big Fat Gay Weddings happening between now and the end of January. No fair.

And, forget booking a cool venue (the London Eye, the Tower of London). They are all booked by those Wedding Planners (recently exited from closets across the land). As if that wasn't bad enough, the Wedding Planners have clearly been saving all their best ideas for their Gay clientele relegating the dismal hetero world to an eternity of organ music and church halls while they host 'Wizard of Oz' weddings complete with Yellow Brick Roads. No fair.

It is now impossible for TT's nuptuals to take place anytime soon - not that we actually had a date, or even a victim (er, candidate) in mind but it is the principle.

If we had hooked up with Prince Charming we would have no yellow brick road, no castles, no pink champagne. It's all been hoarded for those BFG weddings.

If you are gay and have good connections, you still might get your hands on a pink limo though......CLICK ON TITLE FOR MORE INFO. But, you can forget any thoughts of tiaras, boas or sequins -- TT hasn't been completely asleep at the switch!!

'PLAN FOR VICTORY' TO INCLUDE DANCE ROBOTS

One could be forgiven if Dubbya's recently announced 'Plan for Victory' (in Iraq) seemed a bit opaque.

The handy little 30 page booklet cannot really talk about many of the specifics of the 'More Mindless and Relentless Progress Across the Bridge to Nowhere' strategy. That would only give the evil doers important strategic information, enabling them to recalibrate their 'Pick Them Off Like Ducks In a Barrel' strategy.

The Pentagon's innovative thinkers are pinning a lot of hope on the work of some desperately bored and lonely japanese scientists who have developed a PBDR (Partner Ballroom Dance Robot), complete with Marilyn Monroe long, swirling skirt(in hot pink or blue).

The robot ballroom dance partners can be deployed in the millions to Iraq and will help Iraqis develop a new sense of confidence and style. Pentagon sources tell us they believe some successes in ballroom dance competititons could help the Iraqis 'step up' so that US and Mongolian troops can 'step down'. Makes sense to us.

The Ballroom Dance Robot was an 'obvious' evolution, one of the scientists, a former sushi chef, told TT. We have been so pleased with our President of the United States prototype that this encouraged us to take things to a higher level.

The Ballroom Dance Robot has upper body sensors that allow it to predict its partner's next steps - something we forgot to put in our Presedential model, said TTs source.

TT readers may want to check out the PBDR as a Holiday Gift for that clutzy partner but be prepared to be wiped out by the Iraquis and the next Strictly Ballroom. Dubbya means business.The Partner Ballroom Dance Robot - Engadget - www.ehttp://www.engadget.com/
Engadget Homengadget.com

'TIS THE SEASON

TT is always on the look out for cool presents for our friends - and of course people are always wanting to shower TT with gifts so it just makes sense to have an array of options in our hip pocket.

We were rather intrigued by one New York Plastic surgeon (aren't all doctors in New York plastic surgeons??) who is offering Holiday specials (too politically correct to offer Christmas presents).
For a cool $1million (we like nice round numbers), Dr Stephen Greenberg will give you a complete 'head to toe re-make'. No half-assed face transplants for this guy.

The altruistic Dr Greenberg throws in a chauffeur, an image consultant (why would one need that if one has been completely made over?), a chauffeur, 24 hour nursing care, recovery in a 5 star hotel and an on call nutritionist and chef (as if someone who has head to toe surgery is going to want to eat!). Of course, to accept this gracious gift (one would surely feel a tad ambivalent about someone who gave you a head to toe 'remake'), you need to have three spare months.

Hmm. Only three months for a whole new perfect you -- except that the very honest Dr. Greenberg doesn't quite promise perfect. In fact, he promises to make you look 'the best you can'. Hmm. Doesn't sound like a million dollar guarantee to us!!

Of course, the entrepreneurial Dr Greenberg understands that not everyone is ready to spend a million dollars to look the best they can (some have been known to part with a mere $1.99 for cotton balls and still qualify for that 'best you can' look). For the stingier or those with more modest ambitions - ready to look a quarter as good as they can - he has a whole range of more modest gifts.

There are $15,000 tummy tucks or face lifts and $12,000 foot surgery (could be cheaper to just keep the shoes on) or even 'stocking stuffers' (lip enhancement). Hmm. Would the enhancement in 'lip enhancement' be similar to 'enhanced interrogation techniques'???

All very interesting but since we already look a quarter as 'good as we can'CLICK HERE FOR ENHANCED RECENT PHOTO OF TT....we think we will pass and frankly we think most of our friends also look a quarter as good as they can.

FRENCH CONFIRMED TO BE TWO-FACED

There is a certain poetic synchronicity in the fact that the first Face Transplant has taken place in France .

But, we worry that, in addition to having to be concerned about being mugged for our i-pod, now we will have to worry about unscrupulous thieves seeking to steal our face!!

TT obviously has no need for a new face(though squillions would love to have TT's!!)but we wonder if at some point there will be a catalogue of faces and we will be able to have a Face Wardrobe, so we can change faces according to the occasion.

Will we be able to have Isabella Rossillini's Face for lunch and Kate Moss' for dinner??? Will that be seen as bad form? Will we need to inform our partner if we plan a face change? Can they stop us? Can they impose their personal choices on us? What if they want Celine Dion (get rid of the bum if that is his selection) and we are in a Catherine Zeta Jones mood?

So many big questions raised by this surgery. So few clear answers.

Till we get answers, we are changing the earplugs on our i-pod and wearing a balaclava to reduce our vulnerability to unscrupulous and covetous scoundrals!!!
French, in First, Use a Transplant to Repair a Face - New York Times