HOW FAR CAN A PENGUIN 'FIRE' ITS WASTE AND OTHER BURNING QUESTIONS ANSWERED

TT has been very quiet - listening carefully for all the applause from Dubbya and the neocons when Mohammed El Baradei and the IAEA (International Atomic Energy Agency) won the Nobel Peace Prize.

We think it is probably a good thing that we weren't also holding our breath.

El Baradei, of course, is the guy who poked Dubbya in both eyes (along with Hans Blix) when he told the UN Security Council (March 7, 2003) that there was 'no plausible evidence' of WMDs in Iraq. And the rest, as they say, is history.

We are sure El Baradei wasn't exactly expecting a congratulatory telegram from Dubbya et al but he also probably wasn't expecting to be upstaged by farting penguins.

TT has it on good authority that the White House decided to honour the Ig Nobel prize winners instead of the traditional Nobel Laureates. The Igs are given for research which 'cannot and should not be reproduced'. This is where the farting penguins and prosthetic testicles for doggies comes in.

By all accounts it was a glittering occasion and Iraq was not mentioned once.

Top billing went to the German, Finn and Hungarian who were feted for their groundbreaking work for 'using basic principles of physics to calculate the pressure that builds up inside a penguin'. Certainly a question we have often wondered about ourselves....... White House officials distributed a copy of the scientists seminal report, 'Pressures Produced When Penguins Pooh - Calculations on Avian Defecation' and lauded the work as the 'type of thing the UN should be doing'. John Bolton, who looks an awful lot like a walrus, applauded although he is reported to have appeared uncomfortable.

El Baradei was reported to be a bit miffed that so much attention was given to the inventor of Neuticals (prosthetic testicles for doggies!) but was quick to recognize the contribution they had made to the self esteem of doggies around the world. Greg Miller, the inventor who mortgaged his house to develop Neuticals, has apparently sold 150,000 of the things (we are unclear if that is 150,000 pairs or if they are sold singly).

El Baradei was not the only Nobel Laureate overlooked by the White House - Harold Pinter, playwright and anti-war activist, was also overlooked at the gala White House Celebration. A White House spokesman pointed out that there was just so many seats available and noted that the Ig Biology Prize winners (scientists and perfumiers who smelled and catalogued the odours of 131 different species of frogs when the frogs where feeling stressed) were a particularly large and raucous group - not easy to accommodate as they brought their work with them.

Telling the Emperor that he Has No Clothes is such a Downer. If El Baradei really wants a congratulatory telegram from Washington, he may want to emulate the British scients who won the Ig Nobel for Peace - they electircally monitored the activity of a locust's brain cell while it was watching slected highlights from 'Star Wars'.

There was a lot of excitement about the Prize in Nutrition which was won by the Japanese guy who photographed and analysed every meal he had eaten for more than 30 years !!! We hope this year he gets a life.

Poor Mohammed El-B. How did he think he could compete? Last year's Peace Prize winner - a Japanese - won for inventing karaoke. Poking Dubbya in the eyes seems to fall short of the mark set out by this guy.

Most exciting for the rest of us is the fact that the winner of the Physics Prize actually nominated himself for an experiment that began in 1927 in which a a glob of congealed tar has been slowly dripping through a funnel at a rate of around one drop every nine years!! This sure gets our scientifc juices flowing!!

It is too late for this year but TT readers, an inventive crowd, may want to bone up on the Ig for next year byCLICKING HERE ON KARAOKE GETS THE RECOGNITION IT DESERVES.

106% OF IRAQUIS VOTE ON NEW CONSTITUTION

WOW!!

Dodging bullets to get to ballots, it has been reported that Iraquis flocked to the polls to vote on the proposed Constitution. In fact, in parts of Iraq, enthusiasm was so great that it is reported tunout was as much as 106%!!! Ooops.

The Independent Election Commission of Iraq (hahhahahah) said that the results might have to be delayed by a few days while someone checks the math. The Commission has invited a special team from Florida to come and advise and help in the verification that internationally accepted standards were adhered to given certain anomolies in the voting.

Some members of the Commission are said to be unhappy about the invitation to Florida Electoral Officials, saying that they didn't have hanging chads in Iraq - any chads found hanging are immediately blown up - so the experience is not applicable.

One highly placed official has confirmed to TT that the whole thing is a tempest in a tea pot. A team of celebrity observers, including Angelina Jolie, Sharon Stone, Sean Penn, Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton, apparently got carried away with democracy blooming all around them and mistakenly cast ballots. Officials insist that it is a relatively easy matter to extract the celeb ballots (they have stray sequins and boa feathers stuck to them) and final results confirming the new Constitution should be announced shortly.

Some Sunis continue to be unhappy with the Constitution on the basis that it fails to adequately protect them from Celebrity Observers and Angelina Jolie's adoption strategy, but the overall results are still expected to validate the Constitution. US ---ooops, we mean coalition ---forces can be expected to begin withdrawing (one at a time) now that the levers of Democracy are in place. href="http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/18/international/middleeast/18iraq.html?hp&ex=1129694400&en=d7956d9a5be07412&ei=5094&partner=homepage">Monitors in Iraq Review Votes Where 'Yes' Ballots Hit 90% - New York Times

'BUBBA' TO REPLACE GREENSPAN

After 402 years in the job, Alan Greenspan is apparently going to retire as Chairman of the Federal Reserve.

Already the 'buzz' as to possible successors has started but speculate no more. TT has the inside track.

We have it on very good authority that top of Dubbya's list of potential nominees is 'Bubba' (no one ever uses his last name), proprietor of the Stick to Your Ribs Cafe in Crawford, Texas.

Dubbya is reported to be very impressed that Bubba has run a successful cash-only business for 3 months and is 'superb' with the deep fryer.

While even some 'loyalists' question whether 'Bubba' has the creditials for the job, Dubbya is adament that 'Bubba' is the best possible choice. Dubbya points to the fact that in the three months that 'Bubba' has been running the cafe, he has never made an error in the bills or shortchanged a customer. That, coupled with his 'exquisite' grits make him 'supremely qualified'.

Dubbya has known Bubba for thirty years, since Bubba's early career as a dishwasher at the Lone Star cafe, a regular haunt for Yalies and a well known Connecticut landmark. Dubbya fondly remembers the many times that Bubba picked him up off the floor after a hard night of partying and not only did he not say a word to anyone but he served Dubbya flasks of hot coffee without ever charging him a dime. And, as Dubbya is quick to point out, he knows Bubba's heart and that he isn't likely to change his views once appointed. Dubbya reminds doubters that Bubba's grits recipe has remained unchanged for 25 years!

Some speculate that Bubba's appointment may get a rough ride but Dubbya, the crafty fox, has back-up candidates: Michael Brown, formerly head of FEMA, Bill O'Reilly of Fox news and, the real dark horse, Kevin Federline (Spears).

Remember, you heard it first from TT.
Greenspan’s successor could be a dark horse - After Greenspan - MSNBC.com

TOO LATE FOR MUM BUT THE SPAWN CAN STILL BE SAVED...

It is official.

Aliens are now in full possession of Katie Holmes (the 'actress' who has been surgically stapled to Tom Cruise).

It would appear that Ms Holmes, who apparently has never heard of birth control, is now to be the Mother Ship for Alien IV.

In spite of the efforts of millions to Free Katie, one must now acknowledge that those efforts have failed and she and Tom The Tooth Cruise are going to spawn a baby public relations executive (or teeny tiny papparazzi).

Already, millions are moving to Save the Spawn!! So, if you didn't get involved in trying to Free Katie, CLICK HERE TO SAVE THE OFFSPRING FROM A LIFETIME OF PHOTO OPS.

DUBBYA NOMINATES 'BROWNIE' IN DRAG

You have to admit it. Dubbya is one clever fox.

Indeed, Harriet No Papertrail Miers, Dubbya's nomination to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court, once described Dubbya as the 'smartest man' she knows. With judgements like that, who needs a papertrail???

Some may criticize the outward appearance of cronyism and apparent lack of qualifications of Ms. Miers but not TT. We think cronyism and affirmative action is a perfect cocktail.

By all accounts, while John Roberts incessantly described himself as humble, Ms Miers IS humble and has a huge amount to be humble about!!

Some have suggested that Ms Miers (a/k/a 'Brownie' in drag) may face difficult confirmation hearings. Poppycock. With Prima Donna Senators who seem more interested in tv 'face time', the hearings should be a cakewalk. Having been involved in prepping Roberts for his own confirmation hearings, Meirs shouldn't have to do much except run out the clock when Bombastic Senators ask questions that run EIGHT minutes in length (Teddy Kennnedy) and be prepared for the odd hardball question ('Would you agree that the opposite of 'being dead is being alive?' -- we kid you not, that was a question from an Oklahoma Republican senator).

All she has to do is take her own cues --don't answer questions relating to cases before the Court - not appropriate, don't answer questions that might be before the Court - not appropriate, don't answer questions about general legal or constitutional principles cause they are too general and certainly don't respond to questions about specific legal cases as they are just too specific. She won't have to answer any questions about judgements she has made in the past cause there aren't any. Looks like a breeze to us.

TT is personally delighted. We never thought we stood a chance of being nominated to the Supreme Court (or running FEMA for that matter), but now we know America is truly the land of opportunity where not only can ANYONE be President but ANYONE can be a Supreme Court Justice !!!
Once More, Bush Turns To His Inner Circle

CRY ME A RIVER

We were shocked and puzzled to note an advert for an upcoming one-woman show with Joan Rivers.

Shocked because we thought the home-shopping queen was surely dead - is there not a point at which plastic surgery pushes you into the nether world??

But, it would seem that couch potato shopping frenzys have given her a new lease on life, at least enough of a lease to give this show, Joan Rivers: The Farewell Tour.

Farewell Tour? Does she promise, cross her heart, that this will really be her farewell tour? Does she promise, cross her heart, that this won't be as long as Cher's five-year farewell (it just goes on and on and on and on although in her case we really don't mind)? And, does she promise that she will not be doing a 'Reinvention' Tour?

One thing for sure, TT won't be buying a ticket to her show but we will buy a ticket to watch John Roberts preside over the Supreme Court.

Fortunately, we don't have to rush as he is likely to be there for forty or fifty years. And what lucky timing. His nomination was confirmed just in time for the precedent setting case of Anna Nicole Large Chest vs. Wrinkly Relatives of Squillionaire Ogtogenarian Husband. First time, we think, in recorded history, that a stripper has been before the Court- outside a stag party (someone take Clarence Thomas' coke cans away from him please). Yes, that is a show we will definitely buy a ticket for!!
JoanRivers.com- Welcome!