'THE LAST THROES' LAST LONGER THAN YOU THINK

Well, we finally have a definition of 'last throes' that we can relate to!!

Veep Dick Haliburton tells us the insurgency in Iraq is in the 'last throes' (usually synonymous for 'final throes') and Rummy tells us it could take 12 years to defeat the insurgency....hmmm.

Based on this precise definition, TT wishes to announce that we are in the 'last throes of:
1. Losing 20 pounds

2. Performing with the Kirov ballet

3. Picking up a Nobel Prize (we aren't fussy about which one)

and,

4. Giving each and every TT reader their own private island

We are pretty relaxed about the prognosis in Iraq, after all the insurgency is in its Last Throes and, according to Brig General Karl Horst (who seems even more relaxed) on many days (like 2), the violence is no worse than in Los Angeles or London. Yeah, right.CLICK HERE FOR UP BEAT AND CONSISTENT PROGNOSIS ON IRAQ.

US CAVES TO NORTH KOREAN DEMANDS

While U.S. officials are denying it, the U.S. agreed to some key concessions in order to jump start the disarmament talks with North Korea that the country's diminutive leader has boycotted for the past 13 months.

The Dubbya Administration agreed to remove John Bolton from any direct role in the talks, something Kim Jong- il has long sought. Bolton has been reported to have criticised the leader's leisure suits and platform heels - a diplomatic no no.

There remain outstanding issues to be resolved - notably Kim's demands for an i-pod and an unlimited supply of polyester - but officials on both sides are quietly optimistic.

If successful, one corner of the Axis of Evil could be neutered without a military invasion although UN members are girding themselves for the arrival of Bolton who, deprived of his North Korean Platform is expected to mount a compelling case for invading most UN members - in alphabetical order.

TT readers can CLICK HERE FOR PENETRATING ANALYSIS ON KIM'S USE OF SILVER CHOPSTICKS AND FONDNESS FOR HENNESSY VSOP.

CLOVE-APALOOZA ENDS - --SAFE TO RETURN TO CALIFORNIA

The annual three day BYOB (bring your own breath freshener) Great Gilroy( California) Garlic Festival has apparently come to a halitosis laced and successful end.

Now, don't get us wrong. We LOVE garlic. But just the idea of tens of thousands of people in close quarters (over three days - gulp) downing two tons of garlic (yum, the garlic ice cream sounds tempting) makes us a bit queasy. The fact that the Festival is being sponsored by Listerine is supposed to make us feel more comfortable about the whole experience, we assume. We think we may be able to do without this Close Encounter.

Fortunately, America's love affair with condiments and cash crops affords us other opportunities to indulge. We could head to Stockton, Callifornia for the Asparagus Festival. The asparagus beer and wine helps attendees inhale some 30,000 pounds of the green stuff. Cuvee Asperges 2005, anyone???

If you crave something with a little more 'bulk' you can head for Pullman, Washington to celebrate Lentils with the fun-filled mascot - a 7 foot furry legume!!! A word of advice, pick a seat down wind for the Tour de Lentil bike race.

There is still plenty of time to get yourselves to the August celebration of mustard, appropriately held at the National Mustard Museum in Wisconsin. No fine Arts Museums here, just a monument to the joys of the yellow stuff. You get all the free mustard (and hot dogs) you want (you have to pay for ketchup) and can take part in fun filled activities like bowling with plastic yellow squeeze bottles as pins. (Hard to think of anything more fun than that!).

We recommend skipping the Sauerkraut Festival in Ohio - it's a bit too close to the Tour de Lentil race for our taste. Nonetheless, the celebration attracts 350,000 people a year. Yikes. Who would have thought there were that many cabbage lovers in the world, let alone in Ohio? We aren't even sure there are 350,000 in the whole state!

Personally, we are waiting for the Caviar, Chocolate, Foie Gras and Champagne Festivals but if you want to get in on the Garlic Fun next year (there is a Mr and Miss Garlic chosen but we are unclear what unspeakable acts one must perform in order to be selected - we know you get to dress up like a garlic bud if that appeals)CLICK HERE ON CLOVE-APALOOZA for the fun filled details l.

Gotta run now - off to the Vognes-Romanee and Vacherin Mont d'Or Festival!!