FREEDOM IS ON THE MARCH AGAIN.....MAYBE

We know that Freedom is on the March in Iraq, Afghanistan, the Ukraine, Lebanon and Gaza because Dubbya et al have told us so.

But how come the big silence over Kyrgyszstan??? Some guy called Askar got deposed and some other guy called Bakiyev has been named Prime Minister and there seem to be several Parliaments --- but, without Dubbya to proclaim the March of Freedom what are we to think??

It has been a week since the rampaging hoards tossed out the President in the wake of disputed elections (elections? aren't those supposed to be part of the freedom march?) but nary a word of Tulip or Daffodil Revolutions from Washingnton.

We have it on good authority that Dubbya is taking a crash course in basic Kirghiz and is almost able to pronounce Kyrgyzstan (also known as Kyrzyxvhizitxigtchzzzxibqstan). Once he and Condi have located this Central Asian gem (in spite of those bothersome landmines, Lonely Planet tells us it is the most accessible and welcoming of the Central Asian Republics), we understand that Condi will wing her way to Bishkek to share a mug of fermented mare's milk with the Voices of Freedom - once they figure out who is wearing the white hats.

Although Kyrgyzstan has a growing crime rate (fuelled by alcohol we are told which is curious with a mainly Muslim population), wildly inflated fuel prices (sounds familiar), desperate poverty and Lonely Planet advises against resisting 'the temptation to just hop off the bus in the middle of nowhere -- the country has apparently been making a significant effort to attract tourism!!! Hmmm.

TT is going to wait till we here from Dubbya and Condi but for TT readers who don't want to wait for some of that yummy mare's milk CLICK HERE TO FIND LOCATION WHERE YOUR KIRGHZ CAN BE PUT TO GOOD USE.

DE LAY FAILS TO DELAY EASTER PASSION

There is a lot TT doesn't know about the Schiavo Family Feud and Tragedy as it gets played out on cable 24/7 , under the leadership of Tom DeLay.

What we do know is that if ever someone was going to lead a moral crusade on behalf of a 'culture of life', DeLay is your guy. Who could know more about moral leadership than someone who themselves has been at the epicentre of ethics concerns, questions and investigations. DeLay brings a unique perspective to the ethical table. Hmmm. Is this the same Tom DeLay who participated in his family's decision to withhold dialysis for his brain damaged father who didn't happen to leave a living will either???

Additionally, De Lay's extensive medical background, gained running a pest control (also known as extermination) company gives him a unique ability to know better thangaggles of court appointed medical experts, 19 judges and seven years of litigation - including challenges to remove Mrs Schiavo's husband as guardian. We are really glad to see him weigh in as the poor woman's images are endlessly beamed into homes around the world. We don't pretend to know what Mrs. Schiavo would want done but we suspect that having her situation relentlessly played out on the world stage isn't one of the things she would want.

The only thing we are really sure of is that we wish someone would withdraw Tom DeLay's feeding tube!!!

Important Addendum: In the event that TT should slip into a (more) Persistent Vegetative State, please be advised that any and all efforts should be made to preclude either Jeb Bush, Tom DeLay or Britney Spears from gaining custody of us!!!!

BLAKE OFFERED ROLE ON FEAR FACTOR

So, while Scott Peterson gets carted off to his well deserved private suite at San Quentin, Robert Blake is acquitted of murdering his wife (or having arranged her murder).

While the tearful Blake claims he is broke, TT has it on very good authority that Blake is to be offered a very lucrative role on Fear Factor. Fear Factor is the reality show where Z list celebs apparently have to confront their worst nightmares to try and move up to the W celeb list. We say apparently because TT has never actually seen it but we opine on many subjects about which some would say we are ignorant.

Instead of swallowing worms or being stuck in a coffin and covered with spiders, contestants will have to join Blake for dinner at Vitello's (the restaurant outside which Blake didn't kill his wife). We understand that so far only OJ Simpson has agreed to participate...............

WOLFOWITZ NOMINATED TO HEAD WORLD BANK; BONO DENIES DISAPPOINTMENT

Dubbya has spoken.

The U.S nominee to head the World Bank will be Paul Wolfowitz - not Bono and not even Percy Sledge or Sting.

Bono's spokespeople denied that Bono was disappointed and pointed to Mr Wolfowitz' long and well known interest and involvement in the eradication of poverty (his own at least) and international aid.

A number of foreign diplomats. who said they were dismayed by the choice , had to admit that Wolfowitz might bring a new 'stick' with which to whip these underdeveloped countries in to line.

One foreign diplomat, who did not want to be identified, said he thought that some of these foot dragging poor countries might move a bit more quickly towards affluence and prosperity if threatened with invasion.

Many in the international aid and development community reacted with dismay over the choice of Wolfowitz, saying that clearly Dubba wasn't listening to what the rest of the world thinks.

The White House strongly denied the assertion. One White House spokesman said. 'Ridiculous. We have done nothing but listen over recent weeks. We listen very carefully to what the international community thinks....but, that doesn't mean we care!'

Bono was reported to be in seclusion licking his wounds and Sharon Stone released a statement saying that ' it could have been worse --it could have been Carly Fiorina!'.The New York Times > International > Bush Chooses a Top Pentagon Aide to Head the World Bank

The White House furiously denied that just because Robert McNamara left the quagmire of Vietnam to go to the World Bank, Wolfowitz' nomination for the same job doesn't mean Iraq is a quagmire. A swamp is not the same thing as a quagmire, said the spokesman.

Wolfowitz declined comment except to say how much he likes poor people.

STONECIPHER FAMILY ETHICS COMMITTEE CHAIRWOMAN TO GIVE HARRY THE BOOT

It looks like the Boeing Board of Directors aren't the only ones who don't appreciate Harry Stonecipher's sprightly ways.

The Chairwoman of the Stonecipher Family Ethics Committee ---MRS. Stonecipher--filed for divorce milliseconds after the Boeing Board served Harry with his walking papers.

After 50 years of marriage , Madame Chairwoman filed for divorce(the randy CEO and the Chairwoman of the Family Ethics Committee had celebrated their 50th anniversary just last month). Joan cited irreconcilable differences. I guess Joan is a slow learner if it took 50 years to figure it out.

Thanks to webwire, we note that Infidelity Expert, Ruth Houston, is available to comment on the Stonecipher Infidelity---and, apparently the Infidelity of Everyone Else. Hmmm. How does one become an Infidelity Expert we wonder? Has Ms Houston perpetrated gargantuan numbers of infidelities? Or, has she been the 'victim' of endless infidelities? Enquiring minds want to know.

Frankly, we don't know how much Ms Houston gets paid for commenting on Infidelity but TT will do it for free --although, we do accept expensive gifts.

Ms. Houston will tackle such meaty questions as 'What Should A Woman Do When She Discovers Her Husband is having an Affair?' (Cutting off the sleeves of all his suits is a good start).

When does a cheating husband deserve a second chance? When you need time to figure out where all the assets are squirreled away.

Does infidelity necessarily have to lead to divorce? Not until you have tortured the perp, extracted multiple expensive gifts, residences and private jets -- and got the combination to the safe deposit box.

Why does anyone want to pay Ms Houston, the self-described infidelity expert, when TT clearly has all the answers on this and just about everything else?? Questions on infidelity and token expensive baubles can be addressed to TT at rootvegies@aol.com .

TURNIP TOP BREATHING ON HER OWN

TT is always on top of the latest fast breaking news.

In addition to our own intergalactic network of insiders everywhere, we receive 'breaking news' alerts from a dizzying array of news sources -- ensuring that our readers are always on top of everything that is worth knowing about.

Recent 'breaking news' alerts have made us among the first to know that:

.The Queen of England has never used a computer (not exactly one of the more astonishing royal secrets) or played dominos;

. Michael Jackson 'freely admits' he reads girlie magazines (hmmm. wonder why his spinmeisters are so eager to confirm this little nugget);

.Scientists have confirmed a correlation between the length of a man's fingers to how physically agressive he is (this contradicts a very different theory about the length of a man's fingers).

Every once in a while, TT gets a 'breaking news' alert that is just a waste of our time and it annoys us.

Just recently, important Turnip Top work was interrupted by the 'breaking news' alert that 'the Pope is breathing on his own'. Now PULEEZE. Where would we be if we clogged up everyone's email with 'breaking news' alerts to reassure readers that 'TT is breathing on her own'???

We need more discipline in these newsrooms. Cut out the unimportant, the obvious, the superficial, the gossip, the arcane and the less than time sensitive and focus on the Big Picture stuff. Stuff like CHARLIE SHEEN DIDN'T CHEAT!! News directors. Take note.

GIVE THE MAN A BREAK!!!

TT is astonished - and not for the first time.

The Board of Directors of Boeing has forced Harry Stonecipher to resign as CEO over what has been delicately described as an 'inappropriate relationship' with a female exec.

It would seem that not only is Boeing a 'hot bed' of financial skulduggery and corporate espionage but it is, quite literally, a 'hot bed'.

Frankly, we think the Board should have given the guy a promotion. He is SIXTY-EIGHT years old!! Surely an illicit liason at that age is worthy of something more than getting turfed out???

Given that the exec who will fill his shoes,and possibly other garments, is a full decade younger --may we suggest that there just may be more to this story than meets the eye??? A little dose of the green-eyed monster?

Stonecipher is apparently pretty sanguine about the whole thing though and is reported to be negotiating a multi-squillion dollar speaking tour -- expected to hit Association of Retired Persons' Chapters throughout the US. Septugenarians For Equality and their sister organization, Octogenarians for InAppropriate Relationship Equity, have issued a statement 'in support and admiration' of Stonecipher.

Boeing is expected to quickly put this chapter behind them and get back to the financial sculduggery for which they are widely recognized!!!Boeing CEO out in new scandal at embattled company - Mar. 7, 2005

ALDERSON SPA WINS TOP HONOURS

Forget Canyon Ranch. Scrub La Costa. The place to go is clearly the Spa at Alderson, West Virginia .

Martha Stewart left the spa 20 pounds lighter, with a book deal, a reality tv show and a stock that quadrupled while she was doing yoga -- all that and she managed to leave without her roots showing. So when did the hairdresser get smuggled in, we ask?

Just sign us up!!

Unfortunately we understand that their is now a two year waiting list......

AND JUST WHAT IS WRONG WITH CHEEZY?????

Saturation coverage of Celebs on trial is nothing new (OJ, Bryant, Blake, Fleiss' little purple book etc) and The Gloved One's Trial by Fire and Candy Floss is just one more.

Thwarted by the judge, who has decided to keep cameras out of the courtroom, TT notes the emergence of a new (and worthy) phenomena - the Daily Re-Enactment. Yes, folks, every day you can view a re-enactment of the court proceedings using actors delivering actual words from the transcripts of the preceeding day.

Some critics have called this 'cheezy'.

How can this be called 'cheezy' when it is being carried by E channel (and SKY NEWS in the UK)???

E channel has a long and distinguished history of providing compelling and serious documentaries and Sky News is, as its name suggests, a NEWS channel.Would they call it 'news' if it wasn't serious? These are pretty sterling credentials for something that is supposed to be 'cheezy'.

TT would like to point out that while some critics have cited the fake wood sets and minimalist decor as evidence of its cheeziness, we say'au contraire' --- this is evidence of its serious intent and content. If it were really cheezy, wouldn't the sets be glitzy, elaborate and done in real mahogany??? And wouldn't Oprah or Liz Taylor be doing an intro?

As further testimony to the seriousness of the undertaking, the Daily Re-enactment is using top drawer, 'serious' actors. The Gloved One is being played by a well known Gloved One Impersonator. OK, we have never heard of him before but since he has been earning his living impersonating the Gloved One for a Decade, can we be in any doubt as to the seriousness of his credentials? We think not. It isn't like they are using Toby McGuire (not a star but just, according to Chris Pebble/Rock, a guy in tights).

The Gloved One's lawyer is being played by a very substantial actor (name eludes us for the moment) who has a string of serious movie credits to his name. OK, maybe SWARM OF SNAKEHEAD wasn't shortlisted for an Oscar but it was based on a real story (remember the invasion of the carnivorous Asian snakehead fish into a Maryland swamp a few years ago?). Someone starring in something billed as 'Part Fish, Part Snake, Pure Evil' has got to be taken seriously, in our view.

To add even more weight, the Daily Re-enactment adds insightful analysis from heavy duty legal scholars such as the junior junior to the junior partner in Johnny Cochran's law firm. We rest our case. No sleeze or cheeze here. All that's missing are Marcia Clark and Chris Darden to add that little 'je ne sais quoi'.

Cheezy is, after all, in the eye of the beholder. And, even if it is cheezy, so what?? We lilke cheezy - oh, not indefinitely of course. We really cannot imagine ourselves watching cheezy for more than six or seven months.... but in small doses, even cheezy has its place.

We do understand that dvd sales of SWARM OF THE SNAKEHEAD have skyrocketed - nice to see those 'little' indie films get some recognition we say!!!!