PUTIN ON THE GLITZ

Dubbya has returned from his European Charm Offensive (we buy the Offensive part), just in time to see tout Hollywood perform their greatest acting achievements.

After all, it takes Great Acting to see one of your ex's draped around a new soul mate and pretend you are really really happy that someone else won the award you just KNOW you should have won.

We aren't sure we are up for watching an endless parade of actors and actresses thank their agents, their parents, the local dog catcher, SpongeBob and anyone else who might conceivably be in a position to hurl gobs of wealth and fame in their direction. It's always so enlightening to hear what these folks have to say when there aren't any writers around to give them the words (surely there ought to be a requirement that nominees be provided with writers to give them some words that we will really really really like).

Of course, we know that the real Acting Awards have already been handed out in Europe last week.

Vladmir Putin gets Best Actor Award. He and Dubbya scarfed down some borscht while they had a 'frank' discussion (diplomaticese for 'they had a knock down drag out') during which Dubba gave Vladimir a civics lesson and Vladimir pretended to be very interested and appreciative. Jacques Chirac managed a Best Supporting Actor - but Dubbya walked away with Best Original Screenplay. His ' I know you don't agree with what we did but we did it anyway and now I've been elected for a second term, I'm going to go on doing what I want' message was delivered in nuanced decibels and mille-feuilles smiles. What performance from movies few people have seen could possibly rival 'My European Vacation' (starring Dubbya, with a Supporting Performance from the stilletto booted - where DID she find those things- Condi).

We will opt for a quiet Oscarless evening - just send us one of those $100,00 goodie bags complete with mink eyelashes and, if TiVo just happens to record it then so be it.

PARIS HILTON APOLOGIZES

We don't get it.

Someone hacked into Paris Hilton's phone and spewed its contents (notably celeb phone numbers like that of someone called Lindsay Lohan) all over the internet.

Why would anyone in their right mind want to know (or see) more about Paris H.???? Couldn't this hacker have dipped into someone else's phone?? Bob the Builder?? SpongeBob SquarePants? Barney?

Paris has issued an apology to all those star-studded celebs who had their phone numbers shared with billions but frankly the apology should have been issued to the rest of us who now have just one more reason never to darken the door of a Hilton Hotel......CNN.com - Paris Hilton: 'I want to apologize' - Feb 24, 2005

Ms Hilton has wildly exceeded her 15 minutes of fame and we want an apology!

CARTOON CLOSETS EMPTY AND FLOOD.......THE ROYAL NAVY????

While the questions continue over the sexual orientation of SpongeBob, Barney and Bob the Builder, the cartoon exodus from the closet continues.

Homer Simpson's sister-in-law, Patty Bouvier, has admitted she is gay - ending the mystery that had the bookies churning and websites buzzing with rumours.

We already knew that Smithers was gay but the writers (sexual orientation is decided by writers not genetics) had told us that another character would come out ---and now she has, infuriating various infuriating groups.

For those who missed the outing, Homer becomes a minister on the internet and conducts dozens of same sex marriages. Not only did this encourage Patty to out herself (and explain how she fell for professional golfer Veronica- who actually turns out to be a guy, but that is another story), but it prompted the Vatican to clarify its position on same sex marriage - it represents 'the Ideology of Evil' (NOT to be confused with the Axis of Evil). As if the Vatican really needed to clarify its position on same-sex marriage!!!!

As the cartoon world's closets empty, the Royal Navy has announced that it will now actively encourage gays and lesbians to enlist and has pledged to make life 'easier' for naval gays.

Some have viewed the pledges of creating a comfortable post-closet environment in the British navy with some degree of skepticism but TT thinks these promises have meat on the bones.

The Navy has committed to putting gays and lesbians at the top of the list for deployment to the world's war hotspots (gays and lesbians who sign up can be in Iraq by next week). No more waiting in the closet.

Gays and Lesbians will also be guaranteed a 'cutting edge' place in the various theatres of war (one Navy spokeman said the best views are always in the front and offer a splendid opportunity for being awarded posthumous medals).

The Navy has further committed to ensuring that gays and lesbians will be given preferential placement in experimental weapons testing units, have their own colour co-ordinated submarines (where they can 'chill' with like minded colleagues) and will be provided with their own plush quarters at the stern of naval vessels (below water-line to ensure privacy).

The initiatives are being well received and the first deployment of gays and lesbians to Iraq is scheduled for the weekend -- unless it can be organized more quickly!!!The New York Times > International > Europe > New Course by Royal Navy: A Campaign to Recruit Gays

ROYALS EXPAND DEFINITION OF INCOMPETENCE

What is it with these Royals??

It isn't like they have so many complex tasks to master --grow a few organic vegetables, polish their jewels, lend their faces to various monetary units, create a fertile environment for randy butlers, provide periodic scandals for the tabloids. Not so very difficult, say we.

We know they are hopelessly irrelevant and incompetent but now the Chuck and Rotweiller nuptuals have siginificantly expanded the Royals' hard earned reputation forSplendiforous Incompetence.

First comes the announcement that Chuck will make an 'honest' woman of 'the Rotweiller' and marry her in a civil ceremony (cleverly devised to avoid a confrontation with the only institution to seriously compete with the Royals for irrelevence and incompetence- the Church of England). Said ceremony to be held in one of Liz' weekend chalets - Windsor Castle.

Within milliseconds, the tabloids pointed out what squillions of overpaid courtiers and legal advisors (can she be Queen??? is she musical enough to ever sing their songs?) apparently failed to check. A wedding license would be needed for Windor Castle for a marriage to be performed there. No big deal except that shock!! horror!!! once a premises is licensed to permit one marriage, it must be open to anyone who wants to have their wedding there.

Yikes. That cold air that swept Merry Olde England wasn't coming from the Arctic as certain weathermen have suggested. It was coming from the Royals at the sheer horror of the legions of yobs, lager louts and hoards of plebes (not to mention Paris Hilton and Britney Spears) who would be lining up to put a Windsor Castle notch on their cyclical marriage belts.

Milliseconds later, the Royals quickly announced a change of venue --the town plebian hall in Windsor, which, in addition to being licensed for civil ceremonies, conveniently is also a venue for autopsies and is plunk in the middle of an attractive array of fast foot restaurants and pubs. Yes, Chuck and 'the Rotweiller' can pop in for a quick McNugget and a lager as they trudge back to the Castle after the nuptuals.

Milliseconds later, the tabloids (who seem to have every Law Lord known to man on retainer), point out that in addition to the fact that the Town Hall can only accommodate 100 (leaving about 600 guests with nowhere to sit), the law requires all weddings to be open to the public. Feel that arctic breeze turn into a gale???? Seems all weddings must be open to the public in case someone wants to object!!!!

Personally, we don't really see the problem. We are sure King Juan Carlos will very much enjoy sitting next to some sweaty shirted football yob. Is this what Dubbya means when he says Freedom is On the March???

Confronted with the horror of the spectacle (not to mention the subtle odours of chips and beer from food emporiums in close proximity), the level of incompetence had barely had a chance to crank up yet anther level when low and behold the tabloids dredge up a barage of eminent constitutional and marriage law experts from Oxbridge who pronounce that the Marriage Law (gave the great unwashed the right to be married in a civil ceremony) does not extend to Royals . Sticky wicket number three!!!

So, now the betrothed face the indignity of not only a chip, beer and yob infested wedding ceremony but it might not even be legal. These folks should stick to polishing their jewels and sceptres we think.

The one bright note is that it will not be necessary to spend any money on wedding souvenirs as one entrepreneurial group (who won't even recognize the scandal value of the Royals) will be selling Chuck and Di conversion kits so your mugs etc from the Chuck and Di nuptuals can be easily and inexpensively converted. Get your conversion kits now byCLICKING HERE ON PEOPLE'S PRINCESS TO ROTWEILLER - CONVERSION MADE SIMPLE.

POPE LIKELY WITNESS FOR GLOVED-ONE TRIAL

Prospective witnesses in the Bette Davis/Michael Jackson trial have responded to a far reaching casting call it would seem.

Liz Taylor, a Backstreet Boy (hmm, perhaps not a helpful name choice for the Jackson/Davis camp), Jay Leno (is this to make sure he doesn't tell unfortunate jokes on his tv programme?), Kobe Bryant (an accused rapist should be helpful), illusionist David Blaine (hmm, can we expect MJ to appear as Brad Pitt?), Diana Ross (never gonna happen - the jury won't be able to tell the witness from the accused) and someone called Kitchen Sink are all listed as potential witnesses for Davis/Jackson. Sure!!!

We can only assume that unless the Pope has further respiratory problems he also will be on the witness list for the Man Who Showed Us You Can Walk Forward and Backwards at the same time and that showing love for children - particularly pre-pubescent male, vulnerable children - is really an act of Selflessness.

This guy thinks he is stagemanaging one of his concerts!! Maybe he should consider calling Scott Peterson? Pee Wee Herman strikes us as a natural. They seem to be about the only people missing from the star studded list of folks never likely to darken the courtroom door!!

And, as if the whole thing weren't weird and twisted enough - the mother of Jackson's young accuser (how long will it take them to immolate her?) has remarried since the charges were filed against Jackson/Davis and so she is now called Janet Jackson!!! No kidding!!! As if there weren't enough guys named Smith around........

This is enough to having us wishing for an invasion of Iran!!!!

FLASH: Gloved-One whisked to hospital en route to court house. Are we surprised? Yawn.

WE WON'T REFUSE.....IF ASKED, WE WILL SERVE (OURSELVES)!

Valentine's day is a capitalist conspiracy designed to pry money from us in sums roughly equivalent to our feelings of guilt!!! We do not approve.

In spite of our principled views, however, TT has been flooded with requests for our mailing address (rootvegies@aol.com) from those wishing to ease their guilt and shower us with things chocolate.

Sometimes, in the interests of harmony, one just has to put one's selfish principles aside and be polite. If we can help TT readers ease their guilty consciences then we should do it and accept the manifestations of guilt (especially the chocolate ones) . We see it as an Act of Selflessness!!! As Dubbya would say,'Bring it on'.

To ensure your guilt is appropriately targeted (no random guilt please)---CLICK HERE FOR ASSISTANCE IN IDENTIFYING THE RETAIL CONSPIRACY GUARANTEED TO PLEASE. Forget the heart shaped boxes though, they have less space for those manifestations of guilt!!!

PUTTING THE 'F' BACK IN FREEDOM

By all accounts Dubbya's diplomatic outreach to 'Old Europe' was deemed a success. Condi was seen eating baguettes and fromage and Jacques The Insufferable Chirac kissed her hand -- twice!!

Oh sure, there was that small reference to the 'loathsome' Iranian mooolahs but Condi was able to assure Old Europe that an invasion of Iran is not on the agenda - at this point. The fact that the Iraq exit strategy involves troops to return via Iran should not be construed as an invasion -- per se.

And, there was the rather curious reference to the Civil War that plagued Turkey (hmmm, could she have meant Greece???), but the new Diplomatic Offensive certainly put a new face on things (for about six milliseconds).

Just as Condi is ending her European charm offensive (Iran cannot be allowed to have nuclear capabilities!), the Enfant Terrible in North Korea announces THEY already have them and plan to keep them - for defensive purposes. WHAT is the matter with these guys? They are number THREE on the axis of Evil. This is Iran's moment in the crosshairs so what CAN they have been thinking getting out of sequence like that? Someone isn't reading their script!!

We will confess, if we were number three on Dubbya's axis of evil list and saw number one invaded and number two being staked out for invasion( or so-called 'surgical strikes'), we would be hoarding nuclear weapons also---and LOTS of them!!

We are a tad confused how the guys who are deemed to be five years away from a nuclear weapon are more dangerous than the guy with the polyester leisure suits who already has them but the Secretary of Defence answered THAT for us. Rumsfeld says that the Pompadoured One has made LOTS of claims, many not true. Translation: Get back in your box, we aren't ready to deal with you yet we have some moolahs to depose.

Let's face it. Nobody believes in this Diplomacy stuff but its worth a try. Maybe telling the world to piss off - with a smile - will reap some results. Meanwhile, looks like its time to deploy Team America: World Police and put the 'F' back in Freedom.CLICK HERE TO DEPLOY WORLD POLICE TO DESTROY EVIL DICTATORS AND PUT THE 'F' BACK IN SOMETHING.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE DON'T LET THEM BREED!!!

Arrgh!!!

To the LONG list of couples on the 'Don't Let Them Breed' List (eg. Britney and what's his name Federline), it looks like we can now add Chuck and Camilla.

Yawn. Groan. Wake us up when its OVER.

IMPORTANT OBSERVATION: It would seem that, at least sometimes, frogs can marry Princes!!!

JOLIE, STONE, AND BONO SOLVE WORLD'S PROBLEMS

Why didn't they think of it before???

Heads of State, like Tony Blair, and the business elite (think Bill Gates) -- the Movers, Shakers and Stirred-- have been huddled in the impoverished ski resort of Davos to search for answers to the world's pressing problems -- think debt relief, poverty, global warming.

Happily, heavy hitters like debt relief specialist Angelina Jolie and carbon sequestration expert Sharon Stone were finally invited to Davos to present the answers to these difficult issues - answers that have eluded world leaders for eons!!

Sharon Stone, known globally for her philanthropy, lept from her seat in the audience and offered the equivalent of just under 1/3 of the cost of a Birkin handbag to help some African country. She then challenged others in the audience to make equally generous pledges. One business exec, with lust in his eyes and spittle at the corner of his mouth, immediately popped up to pledge the equivalent of 1 1/2 Birkin handbags!! An act of audacious selflessness!!

By the time she had finished with the group of crazed execs, she had single-handedly got $1million committed. Takes the breath away, doesn't it?

Unfortunately the businessmen with whom TT spoke(surprise, surprise those who rose to respond to Stone were all guys!!), were under the impression they were bidding on a date with Stone but it's the thought that counts!!

Debt relief specialist Angelina Jolie was able to deliver the happy news that hers was the first generation to have the technology to eradicate world poverty!!!

Hmmm. If only the world had realized sooner that technology could solve world hunger. If only Ms. Jolie had been invited to address world leaders before.......ah well, better late than never.

So, the Movers, Shakers and the Stirred can pack up their Armanis and go home, satisfied that the world's problems are on the cusp of being resolved.

Why on earth didn't anyone think of getting Stone, Jolie, Bono and Gere on the job sooner???

TT readers interested in the new face of debt relief canCLICK HERE AND TAKE COMFORT IN KNOWING THAT THE ELIMINATION OF WORLD POVERTY IS ONLY A MOUSE CLICK AWAY.

TT RETHINKS BUTLER POLICY

TT fired all our butlers years ago.

We learned what the Royals seem incapable of figuring out - Butlers cannot keep a secret.

It is possible that a re-think may be in order, however.

We aren't interested in the concierge service ('So Hip it Hurts') provided by one San Francisco Hotel though. If you are inclined towards self-mutilation you can go for the 'So Hip It Hurts' package which entitles you to a tatoo or body piercing (smelling salts can be administered by the So Hip Concierge).Yikes. Who dreams up this stuff? Tattoos? Body Piercing? Could we apply that $65 to chocolates on the pillow please?

And, as for 'romance concierges', 'wildlife concierges', 'water sommeliers' with whom you can discuss the finer points of various bottled waters (where do you go from wet and cold?) and 'bow-wow butlers (let Fido fend for himself, indeed...leave Fido at home)....we still think this is all just too over the top and offers too many opportunities to steal and sell our secrets.

But , when we read about the introduction of a 'Tanning Butler', and specially when we saw his picture, TT was forced to admit that a rethink on our butler policy might just be in order...at least on a limited trial basis.

It seems that a Ritz Carlton in Florida has inroduced a 'Tanning Butler', whose sole job it is, is to wander around the pool area dispensing various tanning oils to sunworshipers. Said butler will even apply said oils to those'hard to get at places'. Hmm. OK, bring on the Tanning Butler but we want the one pictured in the Ritz brochures.

We cannot help but wonder that, if sales start to fall off, we won't will see consolidation in the Butler Business and worry about the Wildlife Butler and the Tanning Butler jobs being merged in the name of synergy. Hmmm. Maybe we shouldn't be worried about that at all....

TT readers can check out the Tanning Butler and other Extreme Concierges byCLICKING ON HARD TO REACH PLACES NOW BEING CATERED TO.

UNAUTHORIZED TT PICS TO YIELD SQUILLIONS FOR TT

TT noticed that a Californian man was awarded more than $15 million because Nestle used his picture on their Taster's Choice Freeze Dried coffee - without his permission. His pic has appeared on the labels since 1986 in some countries, including the US and Kuwait!! We promise you, it wouldn't take us almost a decade to notice OUR picture on a coffee label!!

Quazillions of alert TT readers have drawn out attention to the fact that Victoria's Secret is currently featuring multiple pics of TT (they airbrushed the haircolour to try and conceal their chicanery, but even we recognize that body) CLICK ON ' UNAUTHORIZED USE OF TT PICS WORTH SQUILLIONS'.

TT will be persuing our just rewards through the courts. For the record though, while we acknowledge certain similarities between Juan Valdez and TT -- Juan is only a distant cousin and TT lays no claim for remuneration......