EXIT POLLS SHOW IRAQIS VOTING HEAVILY FOR HILARY SWANK

Although Iraquis are still voting, exit polls suggest a strong win for Hilary Swank.

In fact, if current trends continue, it is likely to be a clean sweep for Million Dollar Baby.

One voter, who was identifiable only because of his fluorescent purple finger (maybe Florida should look into this system), said he had cast his vote for Swank because she looked like a girl who can take care of herself --- important in Iraq, he said, as no one else is going to look after you.

Another voter, who refused to identify themselves ('if the candidates can remain unknown then surely the voters can?', he said) acknowledged that the Americans might give the nod to Annette Bening to make up for giving it to Swank when the two had previously been pitted against one another. But, the voter said he was not about to go soft at this point.

And no one seems predisposed to cave on the Susan Lucci-esque Scorsese.

Many voters polled said they had done the unthinkable and voted for Clint Eastwood in the two categories in which he is nominated. 'He could really make our day', said one. No nod to the previously ignorned Johnny Depp, the clever Jamie Foxx or the pretty boy from Aviator from these hardnosed voters.

Said one purple fingered woman, ' this Leonardo wouldn't last one day in Baghdad'.

In Washington, reporters pressed the Secretary of Defence over the screw up by Haliburton who mistakenly distributed Academy Award ballots for the Iraqi election.

The Defence Secretary has remained unphased. He told reporters that 'you vote with the ballots you have'.

Even after the polls close later today, final results may not actually be known until the end of February as results from polls within the so-called Sunni triangle are expected to take Special Ops quite a while to retrieve.

TT readers can review the full slate of Iraqi candidates by CLICKING HERE ON 'IRAQIS WANT SWANK , EASTWOOD AND FREEMAN TO MAKE THEIR DAY.

CARTOON WORLD ROCKED BY GAY OUTING SCANDAL

Not since Tinky Winky was sort of 'outed' by Jerry Falwell has the cartoon world seen anything like it. Actually, we think the jury is still out on Tinky Winky as authoritative spokesmen from Queer Eye have said they doubted any self-respecting gay would carry a red PLASTIC purse - at least when wearing purple.

Now it seems that most of the cartoon world have been 'outed' by the Family Values Police. Self appointed (aren't they always?) Values Custodian, a certain James Dobson, has pointed his virulently heterosexual (or so he says) finger at a Who's Who of Cartoon Royalty.

Tinky Winky is now joined by Barney, Miss Piggy, Bob the Builder, Winnie the Pooh AND SpongeBob SquarePants as part of the insidious 'pro-homosexual' lifestyle promotional avalanche which threatens to overtake and undermine the entire cartoon world. SpongeBob SquarePants gay?? promoting 'pro-homosexual life-style'?

Since when did living in a two bedroom pineapple under the sea become 'pro-homsexual lifestyle'? A 9 bedroom 16th century palazzo on the Grand Canal, maybe---a HUGE mansion on a Utah hill, possibly... but a pineapple? Two bedrooms? Puleeze.

Sure, SpongeBob holds hands with his friend Patrick the Starfish but he lives with a pet snail!!!! That is just so hetero. As are SquarePants!!

Apparently Mr Family Values sees a video featuring SpongeBob (not to mention Barney, Bob the Builder, etc etc), which is to be sent to schools, as the thin edge of the gay wedge. Mr Family Values thinks living in a pineapple under the sea with a snail (among other things) is going to be so appealing that millions of America's - indeed, the world's children- will turn gay overnight. Ridiculous!! If being gay were a choice wouldn't we all be gay by now???

We will admit that we have been astonished to see how much of the cartoon world is apparently gay (Bert and Ernie share a room so what do you think THAT means?). Is this a generational thing? I haven't heard of anyone 'outing' Goofy or Donald Duck but maybe Charlie Brown was just a beard for Marcie and Peppermint Patty. The Cartoon Closet must be HUGE.

I guess we should be grateful that someone out there is keeping their eye on this creeping menace, eroding all the Fake values that make the Cartoon World great. We really hadn't realized that such vigilence was needed but at least now we know that Krabby Patties are signs to watch out for. To find out more about the seductive gay lifestyle CLICK on the headline!!!

BEHOLD THE BUSH BURNED WITH FIRE......*

It is either over...or just started, depending on how you look at yesterday's Freedom Frolic.

Moses led God's Chosen People to the Promised Land (following a pillar of fire). In a Mosesesque Moment, apparently confusing himself with Moses and replacing the Jews with all Americans as the Chosen ,(Jewish Americans are now doubly Chosen) Dubba launched his Second Comng with a Burning Bush speach. 'We have lit a fire as well', says Dubba 'a fire in the minds of men'.

Promising that the 'Untamed Fire of Freedom' will reach the darkest corners of our world, we have a sneaking suspicion that there are a lot of folks out buying fire extinguishers today (sales of fire extinguishers in Iran apparently skyrocketed overnight).

But, while Dubba may have mixed up Moses with Dostoevsky- a common mistake - (a character inDostoevsky's ' The Devils ' announces that it is pointless to try and extinguish a fire started by terrorists: 'The fire is in the minds of men and not in the roofs of the houses') - he might just wanna go back and re-read his Russian literature. The Devils is, after all, about a group of terrorists' ineffectual stuggle to bring down the tyrannical Tsarist regime. Was Dubba identifying himself with the terrorists or the tyrants?

While TT is left to ponder and haul out our fire-resistant clothing TT readers can gaze on the images of the inauguration as seen through the eyes of America's cartoonistsBY CLICKING HERE FOR FREEDOM FROLIC VISUALScourtesy of Slate magazine!!

* NOTE BIBLICAL REFERENCE (probably a first and a last for TT). 'Behold, the bush burned with fire, and the bush was not consumed.'

LATE BREAKING ALERT TO DEMOCRATS; While Dubbyas remarks referenced only the darkest corners of THIS world, Democrats may want to think about vacating Titan ---fast. It seems that Titan is covered in seas of liquid natural gas --- ergo, highly flammable. We are not sure you can count on those Untamed Freedom Fires sticking to this galaxy, so be forewarned!!

BIG HAIR AND BIG GOWNS CELEBRATE VICTORY

While Democrats continue plotting a comeback from their new headquarters on Titan, His Hairness declares himself a Presidential candidate (again) for 2008.

Well, ok, he didn't formally announce but we have a hunch that his vote (one of two) against the confirmation of Condi as Presidential Consort just might have something to do with establishing a voting record that positions him to produce an 'I told you so' campaign. Not cynical at all.

We wish the Democrats would stop wasting their time blaming the homophobes, the Religious Right, voting irregularities and just about everything EXCEPT the candidate and themselves for giving Dubba a Second Coming.

They have always ignored the Big Hair and Big Gown constituency and now the Big Hair (and the male Blow Dried Hairsprayed Solid equivalent) and Big Gowns are gonna party hard today at the Freedom Frolic.

TT has been accused of being mean-spirited towards Dubba but The People, Their Big Hair and Gowns have spoken so for today we will show some deference and respect for the Office.

TT readers can get into the spirit of things byCLICKING HERE ON BIG HAIR AND BIG GOWNS CARRY THE DAY.

DANTE LAUNCHES SUPER-SIZED VERSION OF HELL

While Republicans gear up to celebrate The Second(and Last) Coming, TT is reeling in horror at the launch of the Super-Sized Mega Jumbo jet rolled out by Airbus.

What ARE these people thinking? Have they not seen Super-Size Me?

These babies, which get a less than 1 mile per gallon, will accommodate 850 passengers!!! Yikes. It will take longer to board than to cross the Atlantic!!! And, anyone want to take a guess how long it will take to get the baggage at your point of arrival?? Clear immigration? Get in to one of the toilets? Three birthdays, at least.

Of course, Airlines like Virgin are saying they will only carry you and 554 of your closest friends (and screaming, drooling children). The rest of the space will be used to provide gyms, showers, a spa and casino. Folks, if we can barely drag ourselves to a gym on terra firma, just what are the chances we are going to head for a cross-trainer at 35,000 feet above the earth's surface???

Showers?? And just what does one do when turbulence hits?? Strap that soapy body into a shower seat??? Rig up some kinky device to shower while you keep your seatbelt fastened?? It defies even TTs imagination.

Dante couldnt have come up with a bigger, better version of hell!!! CLICK AND WEEP -DenverPost.com - BUSINESS

FREEDOM FROLIC FEATURES 'BATH BUTLERS' FOR THE FAITHFUL - AND UBER RICH

It is looking rather like TT's invitation to the Freedom Frolic in Washington later this week (also known as The Coronation), has been lost in the mail.

It is probably just as well as we haven't been able to come up with any accommodation that suits us.

Oh sure, there is the four night 'special' at the Mandarin Oriental for a mere $200,500---but that IS for four nights and you do get caviar and champagne daily (frankly, for those prices we expect to receive an entire vineyard and the Caspian sea!!). The idea of having our own grand piano is somewhat appealing - assuming it comes with Liberace (well, he is dead so maybe Elton John?). For 200k plus, TT expects a bejeweled and feather laden pianist!!

The private jet to and from Washington struck us as appropriate and the 'his and hers' inaugural ball outfits sounds pretty cool (of course, having some bellhop select our finery is somewaht of a turnoff). The hotel tried to tempt us with a 24-hour personal butler but we learned from the British Royal Family that those butlers are a randy and indiscreet bunch, so we think not.

Most horrifying though, the $200,500 gets you a 'Bath Butler'. Now, we don't know about you, but we prefer not to bathe with our butlers ---assuming we tossed caution to the wind and had one of those hopeless tattlers around.

Thanks but no thanks!

We dismissed the more modestly priced Ritz Carlton ($150,000 for four nights) because they send your butler to your home to pack for you. No way do we want some guy selling his Inside Story about the dust bunnies in TTs closet. And, while it is rather charming that they offer a 'doggie inaugural outfit' we would be concerned about some Randy Butler might confuse our outfit with that of the 'doggie' in question. Scrap the Ritz Carlton.

As for the Four Seasons....PULEEEZE. For a $100,000 they want TT to travel by TRAIN???? I don't think so, even if it is for 8 nights instead of four.

We also nuked the Sofitel (now where do they think they are going to find a Republican to stay in a French owned hotel?), when we saw that the $75,000 price tag gets you 'nightly amenities with a Texan theme'. Huh? Cactus and burritos on the pillow??? Texan themed amenities chosen by French people? Skip the Roy Rogers silver spurs and give us some champagne and foie gras and MAYBE we willl reconsider.

Net, net, when TTs invite turns up, we will have to decline it on ideological grounds . Take a look at the furnishings of the Mandarin Oriental and we feel sure that TT reader's will share our ideological repulsion!! CLICK HERE ON....YUK. SEND IN THE QUEER EYE GUYS -- FAST!

DEMOCRATS LAND ON TITAN

While tout America (well, at least those that voted Republican) get ready for the $40million Coronation, TT is advised that the entire Democratic Party has successfully landed on the Saturnic Moon, Titan.

Presidential Aspirant, His Hairness, sent a message to Earth (a place with which we now know he is very unfamiliar), indicating he and fellow Democratic luminaries would unfortunately not be back in time to attend any of the frivolity and unadulterated, but uber expensive, joy associated with the Coronation of Dubbya.

His Hairness, who reportedly arrived on Titan in something resembling a Swift Boat (some lessons take time to learn we guess) , is leading the Democratic Fact Finding Mission.

His Hairness said that instead of wallowing in defeat, it was important for Democrats to focus on seeking a new generation of losers to whom the baton can be passed. Key to that he said, is understanding the origins of the Inaugural Ball--the secrets of Titan are believed to be essential to this. Titan also offers the opportunity to establish new traditions among new voters.

So, while The Smugly Obseqious pony up $250,000 each to fete the Triumph of 'No Republican Left Behind', the Democrats have settled on Titan to plot their return - or have redistricting include Titan in time for the next election.

Instead of the $200,500 for four nights at Washington's Mandarin Oriental Hotel during the Freedom Frolic, (a bargain cause it gets you private jet service to and from Washington and the mother of all bathrooms with a glass shower for two - although for that kind of dough we think it might accommodate at least six), the Fearless Democrats stake out new territory and have already begun a voter registration drive and have some pilot attack ads in the hopper.

TT readers can check out the accomodation on Titan that his Hairness will be using instead of the Mandarin Oriental
BY CLICKING HERE. We regret that because His Hairness is the same colour as the Titanic atmosphere --he is indistinguishable from the Third Rock from the Left.

THE KEY TO FOREIGN POLICY IS TO RELY ON RELIANCES

TT has been feeling a bit nostalgic as we swept away fond Bushisms of 2004 and we admit to a mild case of apprehension about 2005.

Will Dubbya continue to entertain us the way he has for the past four years?? We worry that his best material may be behind him. Even the Daily Show has a gaggle of writers upon whom they can draw for inspiration - Dubbya only has himself.

Mr. 'The key to Foreign Policy is to rely on Reliances' washed away all those Dan Quayle moments. Remember Dan on his trip to Latin America when he told an audience, ' I really wish I could speak Latin' ? It takes quite a talent to replace those great one-liners.

TT doesn't ususally make commercial endorsements, at least not unless they have some direct financial benefit to us. We like to think of this as more of an insurance policy than a commercial endorsement.

Just in case Dubbya fails to deliver in his second term (we really are pretty optimistic, given his track record and this splendifourous splicing of DNA) we thought TT readers might want to
take pre-emptive action and purchase a 'Dubbya's Greatest Hits'. You can check out the samplesBY CLICKING HERE ON 'RELY ON THOSE RELIANCES' but, be forewarned - a single DVD cannot begin to do justice to this talent.

TT wishes all a Happy New Year and a year chock-a-block of Reliances!!