I'M TURNIP TOP AND I AM REPORTING FOR DUTY

Thank goodness it's over.

With PT 109 Boats (oops, we mean Swift Boats) delivering His Hairness to the salivating Democratic faithful, we were at the point where frankly there didn't seem enough liquid libation or carb-laden salty snacks to counter the onslaught.

We get it. We get it.

His Hairness served honourably in Vietnam (did ANYTHING happen to this man in the last 30 years?), we know he was awarded Purple, Green and Blue Hearts (lots and lots of them)..We know there are lots of ex Admirals and Generals who think His Hairness is up to the task (are there any left in Iraq or Washington for that matter?). We know his blended family is harmonious(come on, tell us about the first wife and the rivalries between the step-siblilngs). We know the VP wannabe has cute kids and celebrates his wedding anniversary at Wendy's(YIKES) It's ALMOST enough to make us hanker for George.

Vietnam hasn't had this much attention in - well, in a long time. Kind of nice to see some of those vets get a bit of time in the sun - when they can elbow His Hairness out of the way. To be sure we were fully up to date and well informed about Vietnam we went to the definitive source, The CIA FACTBOOK.

Before we even hit Vietnam we got stopped at 'Afghanistan' where we noticed that the government was listed as being ' in transition' - guess that helps cover a host of developments. Does President Karzai know?

We actually never quite got to Vietnam as we got too caught up in the Iraq entry where we noticed that virtually every entry is listed as 'transitional'. We aren't too sure how this is different from being 'in transition' but we are sure the CIA knows what the distinction is.

The Constitution, Legal System, Political Pressure Groups ( political pressure groups? would that be the ones with the AK- 47s?) etc etc etc are all listed as being in transition.

More peculair are the listings for Population Below the Poverty Line, Labour Force by Occupation etc for which the entries are simply N/A (non-applicable). Hmm. Would that be because everyone is below the poverty line and no one is working?

Then, as TT got distracted by His Hairness' 400th mention of the word 'strength'(ok, ok so it was only 17) we were particularly taken by the CIA's Iraq entry for International Organizations ,under which they have listed WIPO (World Intellectual Property Organization) and the WTO (World Trade Organization). Are these guys for real? WIPO? the WTO? And just what would these organizations be doing in Iraq and, where on earth are they doing it?

At about the time the requisite balloons began to fall, we honed in on the section on Government and noted that, according to the CIA, sovereignty in Iraq is to be turned over to the Iraqi people in July 2004!! No comment. Maybe the CIA is too busy checking its sources to have noticed the June hand over.....

TT never did quite get to the Vietnam section of the CIA Factbook but for those who want to update themselves on Iraq and have the patience to get to the Vs CLICK HERE ON 'WE ARE THE CIA AND ALL-KNOWING AND ALL-SEEING.

SHOVE IT!!!

So, the Heiress Heinz (wife of His Hairness) told a reporter to 'shove it'. Heh, Heh, Heh. We smell four VERY entertaining years courtesy of the Squillionairess!!! Can anyone imagine Laura Bush telling anyone to 'shove it'? Not even when the slimy Jacques Chirac gave her an excruciating hand kiss did Laura tell him to 'shove it' (although we KNOW she was thinking it and that First Daughter Jen 'n Tonic would have said worse).

Of course it is all a misunderstanding which we are sure the Democratic spinmeisters will soon sort out. 'Shove it' is actually a Mozambiquian term of endearment. Ta-Ray-Za was, of course, born in Mozambique and often reverts to the language of her birthplace.

Rumours that Kerry handlers are moving her to an undisclosed soundproof location for the duration of the campaign are absolutely false. They LOVE her 'sponteneity' and 'independance' (yeh, sure. just what a political handler in a tight presidential race wants - a spontaneous political wife).

Well, TT salivates at the thought of four years of Ta-Ray-Zaisms. We loved it when she described John Edwards as 'beautiful' and her husband (the one that's still living) as 'smart'. OUCH!!! Take that girlie boy!

We imagine the leash will be a pretty tight one when Ta-Ray-Za does her thing at the Convention this evening but we doubt that leash can hold her for long. For those who wish to edify themselves with respect to Mozambiquian greetingsCLICK HERE ON SQUILLIONAIRESSES CAN SAY JUST ABOUT ANYTHING THEY WANT TO WHOEVER THEY WANT. Give TT a billion dollars and just watch us tell any number of people to Shove It!!

BRING ON THE BRADY BUNCH

Clearly the Bush Campaign is worried about all those Brady Bunch photo ops of the Heinz-Kerry-Edwards Melded Families in Ecstasy.(We sure hope they are all going to sing the song in Boston this week!!)

In retaliation, the First Twins have now been unleashed on an unsuspecting world.

First we had the First Babes festooned in designer duds and dripping in Harry Winston jewels in the recent issue of Vogue magazine. Vogue is, of course, the voice of Middle America and very likely to resonate with the blue collar worker, the farming constituency and a lot of those independant 'swing' voters(or is it 'swingers'?) everyone seems to be agonizing over.

Just for a bit of diversity, we then got the First Niece (nice to see her out of rehab and ready for a global challenge) announcing she will be going to work with the United Nations to eradicate world hunger. Hmmm. Isn't that Angelina Jolie's job? Or, is she getting rid of landmines? Or, was it getting rid of refugees? At least it looks like all the big world problems are being looked after. But it doesn't seem to leave much left over for the Heinz-Kerry-Edwards progeny.

Apparently not satisfied to be portreyed as glam party girls, The First Kids felt compelled to do an on line chat to share with the world their shrewd geopolitical assessments. Sure is something TT had been waiting for! There DOES appear to be something else in Jen 'n Tonic's head besdies where her next Valentino or Marguerita might be coming from.

We learn from Jen 'n Tonic that Putin and Blair are 'amazing leaders', that Vaclev Havel is an 'amazing author' and that Jen is in love with the Spanish culture (presumably pre- Iraq pull out) because they have 'amazing tapas'.

Just for good measure, we also are forced to learn that Jen 'n T is planning to go and teach school in Harlem (an obvious fit). We feel pretty confident that Nelson Mandela must be breathing a sigh of relief. Martha Stewart AND Jenna Bush might just be a bit more racial solidarity than he could stand.

We are now at the point where (heaven help us) we are almost ready to beg for the DNC to bring on the Brady Bunch but, in case you haven't quite had your fill of the BushettesCLICK HERE ON PUTIN, BLAIR, HAVEL AND TAPAS ARE ALL AMAZING.

THIS LAND IS WHOSE LAND?

TT has started gearing up for Convention Season.

Of course we are stocking the larder with the appropriate comestibles(high alcohol content and full carbs all the way for us, how else are going to get through this?)

Needless to say, we have been busy educating ourselves on the respective candidates and their positions by reading extensive, in-depth analyses prepared by learned and wise political observers and pundits.....we think our favourite and most eloquent summary is a musical rendition of This Land is Your Land, by the two candidates. We think it sums up their positions nicely.

For TT readers who also wish to educate themselves, TT recommendsCLICKING HERE ON PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES SING THEIR OWN PRAISES. We can hardly wait for the Cheney/Edwards ditty!!!

MARTHA STEWART HANDBAG CRISIS

Some folks were a tad surprised to hear the ever-modest Martha Stewart compare herself to Nelson Mandela. Not TT. Nothing the Doyenne of Domestic Terror says or does surprises us.

So, as she contemplates the possibility of five months in prison and five months of home arrest in one of her six homes (we hope everyone under house arrest will also get their choice of one of Martha's houses), Martha declared herself unafraid. 'Many other good people have gone to prison....Look at Nelson Mandela' she told Barbara Walters.

Yes Martha. Nelson Mandela's situation is just what we were thinking too. Huh? Hubris, you have a whole new spelling and it's M.A.R.T.H.A.

What we really liked though was Martha's whinging about the press focus on her wardrobe, including her $6000 Hermes Birkin handbag. Frankly, we thought too little attention was paid to her accessories but that's just us.

Martha says such focus was unfair. Not only was the famous Birkin more than ten years old she saysbut, (are you ready for this?), Miss Smarmy claimed,'that is my only handbag'. Oh really? Poor Martha only has ONE handbag which she is doomed to carry in perpetuity......get out the collection plate, please.

Why do we think that photographers everywhere are combing their files for pics of Her Imperialness looking for handbags in various incarnations? Why do we think that the definition of 'handbag' is likely to become as big as the definitition of 'is' was (oh, that's not a handbag, that's a purse, a clutch, a tote, un sac a main........'

Given that Martha gets to strut her stuff till all her appeals are exhausted (why do we think WE are the ones who are going to be exhausted?), our advice is to hide the geraniums and as for her plea to go buy her products.....we would rather sleep on sharp spikes in a windowless room - kind of like Nelson Mandela!!

Stock in Martha's company, Martha Stewart Meglo-Media, jumped almost 30% after her sentancing - one can only imagine the boost it would have gotten if she had got the death penalty!!!

POTTY-MOUTHED DIETERS SHUNNED BY SLIM-FAST

Gosh, it seems like only six months ago that Slim-Fast heralded the naming of Whoopi Goldberg as the spokesperson for Slim-Fast.

Ooops - it WAS only six months ago when Slim Fast touted their new spokesperson for her 'incredible talent' and her ability to 'resonate with consumers' (would that be the trash-talking ones?) because 'she's very real and down to earth' (guess they didn't get the difference between 'earth' and 'earthy').

Now it looks like Slim-Fast may be poised to do for Goldberg what Disney did for Michael Moore and Fahrenheit 9/11 - give them more publicity than an army of pr flaks and a squillion dollars could have bought them.

It would seem that the chubby Republicans who apparently form Slim-Fast's core consumer base have been upset by some rather too 'real' comments Goldberg made at a Democratic Fundraiser in New York. Kind of interesting given that we were unaware that any of those chubby consumers or their Slim-Fast benefactors of sveltness were in the audience to be assaulted by the trash talking Goldberg. We don't know of any transcript or video of the potty-talk, nor do we know of any media outlet that has actually published the remarks and forced its readers to get a little more down to earth than they would want. Hmm. Offence by osmosis.

Of course, how could Slim Fast ever forsee that the comedian, (who is known for being ...well, outspoken -remember the infamous black face routine with Ted Danson), might say or do something outrageous? That's about as forseeable as Disney anticipating that Michael Moore might produce a politically toxic film. Or, like foreseeing the lack of WMDs in Iraq. Some things just cannot be forecast.

So, Whoopi is 'toast' with porkers of good taste and decorum.

Frankly, TT hadn't even noticed that Goldberg had lost weight and, if we may be permitted, we want our diet products to promise us a lot more than the opportunity to look like Whoopi Goldberg!!Whoopi Goldberg Adds 'Big Loser' to Her List of Credits. We may not be too interested in buying Slim Fast but we sure would like to hire them to do publicity for Turnip Top.

JOHN- JOHN AND JON - CAN A LOVE CHILD BE FAR BEHIND ?

The John-John (Kerry and Edwards) and Jon (as in Bon Jovi) Democratic ticket was launched this week with enough face pats, squeezes, hugs and reach out and touch someone moments to keep AT&T in ads for decades.

As Frosty John K. strives to show us his touchy-feely side, TT is clearly not the only one to have noticed the Tactile Ticket. We haven't seen a quarterback-style bum pat yet but we guess that must be coming, as everyone from Rush L. to Jay Leno to the new Mr. and Mr. Touchy Feely themselves comment on the Kerry-Edwards love-fest. It's enough to make TT yearn for the return of Mr. Frosty and Aloof again. We aren't sure our blood sugar levels are sufficiently calibrated to endure much more of this.

Don't get us wrong. We like the Kerry-Edwards combo - the hair (even Kerry has started talking about their hair), the teeth (how come Democrats have these HUGE white wide smiles) and best of all -- both are married to women who are older than they are. The latter point is sure proof to us that they are men of wisdom, intelligence, excellent judgement etc etc etc.

But, enough of the squeezie squeezie!!! Check out the Drudge Report collection of John-John picsBY CLICKING HERE AND ASK YOURSELF, CAN A LOVE CHILD BE FAR BEHIND?. Was Jon Bon Jovi's appearance on stage the other night with John-John just a co-incidence or was this the set up for bigger revelations???

TT sure hopes we can move beyond this and get back to the important stuff like hair, teeth and Ta-Ray-Za's mansions and tax returns!!!!

GUYS IN THE MIDDLE REVEALED AS EPI-CENTRE OF EVIL

TT has finally figured it out.

We learnt from the soldiers at Abu Ghraib that it was the fault of those guys above them - the minions were just torturing prisoners because they were told to do it. Hmm. Now there is a novel defence!!

Then, we learnt from Ken Lay yesterday that it was those guys BELOW him who ripped off employees and shareholders of Enron. We like the fact that, like the Secretary of Defence, he accepted 'responsibility' ( responsibility with a bit But and of the low consequence variety)...In spite of the squillions he was paid, how could Kenny Boy possibly know what all those minions below him were doing?? Apparently it is very difficult to see clearly from a very tall self-constructed pedestal.

So, that leads us to a moment of blinding insight. If it isn't the guys on top and it isn't the guys on the bottom......it is obvious, it is the guys in the MIDDLE who are the source of the problem. TT hopes steps will be taken to root out these middle guys, be they in corporations or the military. Finally, we might have some accountability!!HoustonChronicle.com - Enron's Lay pleads not guilty: 'It has been a tragic day'. Yes Kenny, almost as tragic as the day all those employees and investors lost it all.......

ANYTHING FOR THAT 15 SECONDS OF FAME...

While TT awaits the battle of the coiffeurs (also known as the US presidential election) to begin in earnest, we have to hand it to photographer/artiste Spencer Tunick.

This guy is able to get squillions of people to strip naked (at the same time), pose in inclement weather (together), subject themselves to ridicule AND then he gets to immortalize it all in a permanent photographic record -- and get remunerated handomely for it. Moreover, he gets to call himself an artiste/photographer, not a pornographer!! Who would have thought there were so many Paris Hiltons in the world?

Mr. Tunick's latest artistic endeavour, for which there seem to have been no shortage of volunteers, has set the North American record for the largest group of naked people in a photograph!!! Who on earth is keeping track of this stuff?? More to the point, who has the World record ??

Two thousand seven hundred and fifty naked volunteers endured 10 degree celcius temperatures to be photographed naked in a park behind the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. All we can say is that if TT were going to strip naked for a group art-pic, it would NOT be in Cleveland.

It has definitely given us some ideas though. We hadn't realized it was possible to earn a good living taking pics of naked hoards in uncomfortable and ridiculous positions and locations. So, we are going to give this a try....we are looking for approximately 2,800 TT readers who might be interested in posing naked for our first effort --location to be determined, but we are very very interested in icebergs at the moment.

We expect there to be quite a high level of interest among TT readers, who are a very artisitic bunch so drop us a line, explaining in 1,500 word or less why on earth you would consider doing this -- address to rootvegies@aol.com.

In the meantime, those who might want to take part in one of Mr Tunick's artistic expressions shouldCLICK HERE ON - 15 SECONDS OF FAME FOR THE DESPERATE.

IRAQI PM SEEKS PRODUCT RECALL

Anonymous sources in Baghdad advise us that the new Iraqi P.M. has told the Americans that he wants to give back Iraq.

Citing US Product Safety and Consumer Protection legislation, the Iraqi PM has said Iraq is broken and he wants to return it.

Efforts to reach senior US administration officials have been unsuccessful. Apparently everyone is attending a ritual hand washing ceremony.

When pressed, the Iraqi PM reluctantly admitted that he would accept a land swap and would be prepared to return Iraq in exchange for .....CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT IRAQI PM WILL ACCEPT IN EXCHANGE FOR DEFECTIVE PRODUCT.

A mid level Administration official admitted that the administration was sorely tempted to give France to the Iraqis but was firm that the Administration has absolutely no intention of instituting a product recall. In a slight deviation from Colin Powell's Pottery Barn Foreign Policy Theory, the administration official said that 'if its broken, give it away as fast as possible and then find ways to show how the customer is responsible for breaking it in the first place.