SEARCH FOR HAMAS MINIONS YIELDS ONLY LEADERS

TT cannot help but wonder just how many leaders Hamas has.

By all appearances, Hamas seems to be a very top heavy organization. In spite of the fact that the Israelis keep killing off 'the leaders', there seem to be an endless number of them. Aren't there any worker bees in this organization?

Only yesterday, an Apache helicopter managed to target and kill yet another 'senior ' Hamas 'leader'. Two other Hamas 'leaders' were also targeted and killed by Israeli security forces. You would think Hamas would collapse under its own leadership weight, never mind Apache helicopter attacks, or that the minions would get fed up and join another less Top Heavy organization ....

On the other hand, it just might be smarter for Hamas leaders to designate themselves as minions since the Israelis seem to have a lot less success at finding and killing them off. In case you missed the removal of the most recent Leaders....

CLICK HERE ON, ISRAELI HITS FAIL TO KILL HAMAS MINIONS.

FANTASIA BEATS BUSH

Well, it looks like someone with the rather improbable name of Fantasia won the latest American Idol competition. We say, 'it looks like' because TT has never actually watched American Idol and we didn't see or hear Fantasia. But, we saw it in the newspaper so it must be true.

What seems rather amazing to us is that 65 million people apparently voted in this critical pre-election election. That just may be more votes than either Al Gore (what's with the shoutathons Al) OR Dubbya got in the last election and bet either one could sure use those votes in the coming one!

Always nice to see America go to the polls when it counts!CLICK HERE FOR DISNEY CARTOON WINS ELECTION.

EURO MEPs ADVISE GRASSO

Even as the New York Times revealed what 380 million Europeans already know --that porcine Euro MEP's make Washington porkbarrel politics look like an austerity initiative undertaken by Mother Teresa's cousin --TT has uncovered startling additional details.

Apparently, Greedy Dickie Grasso has had the entire European Parliament on retainer as compensation advisors. Seems that even Dickie hadn't been able, on his own, to dream up a scheme whereby he got reimbursed for full airfare whatever price he got on expedia or orbitz (or free on one of his buddies corporate jets).

Grasso is said to be in awe of the Euro MPs money spinning perk. While the Times estimates that one Finnish MEP is able to clear $3000 a month tax free, Grasso (with a greed to match his ego) is known to believe that, with Ryanair offering flights at bargain basement prices (London to Venice is currently £11 one way), he can easily pocket triple that.

Grasso is also said to be in admiration of the scheme by which EuroMPs get a $300 plus a day (pas de taxe) just for signing in (of course, some would argue that the world is better off when the EuroMPs DONT try and do any work). The NYTimes is a bit harsh we think. They suggest that many Euro-Porcines fly to Brussels, sign in to get the allowance and then fly home within hours --even on Fridays when those hard working regulators of the size of brussels sprouts have no scheduled meetings. As Greedy Grasso has pointed out, it is not uncommon to forget critical papers at home after you have left for work, necessitating a trip home and hey, it's Friday so what's the point in going back.

While the New York Times failed to reveal the important role the EuropParliament played in advising Dickie Grasso on his compensation issues, TT readers can get a glimpse of the helpful concepts the Euro-Porkers have come up with by The New York Times > CLICKING HERE ON PORK 'N PERK MAXIMIZATION: EXPANDING THE TROUGH.

If the charges filed against Greedy Dickie Grasso do end up in a courtroom, don't be surprised to find that GDG spent a month in Positano learning Italian.

TT SWEPT UP IN ARTISTIC FRENZY

TT readers will need some patience.

We are currently swept up in an artistic frenzy of unprecedented proportions.

Drawing on the talents of gaggles of creatvie genii, we are experimenting with some 'Extreme Makeover' possibilities for TT. We may end up settling for a mere 'Nip 'n Tuck' but in the interim, you may want to keep those sunglasses handy.

Since we are at the eye of an artistic storm anyway, we decided to do a modest self portrait which TT readers can accessBY CLICKING HERE ON VISION OF LOVELINESS. Opening bids for this amazing work of art can be communicated via rootvegies@aol.com.

UP CLOSE AND WAY WAY TOO PERSONAL

Just when TT thinks we have won a small victory against the Darth Invaders of our privacy - something comes along to remind us that we are probably losing the war.

We can't do much about John Ashcroft wanting to fingerprint and photograph us when we enter the US but, thanks to Spybot, we have been able to put a lid on those nasty infiltrators of our computers, the Trojan Horses. These are the stealth spy programmes that come in innocent emails and then are able to track our every move,using that information to spew back spam or much much worse.

TT now runs 'Spybot: Search and Destroy' daily (as TT readers know, you can download it free), and now we have to confront how ubiquitous and crafty these sneaks are. It's enough to make us ensure we are fully clothed when we use our computer!

Thanks to Spybot, we have been feeling like we have struck a blow against Evil and chalked one up for privacy .Turnips are a private but feisty bunch. We are nuking the electronic stalkers with glee!!

Now,however, thanks to Reason, a monthly libertarian magazine, (it states its missiona as: Free Minds, Free Markets), we are forced to admit that we are probably losing the war to keep our little secrets secret and as for the big secrets.......

More than 40,000 subscribers to Reason, are going to be getting a big shock this week when they receive their June issue. Their names will be emblazoned on the front cover (Nick Gillespie...They Know Where You Are!), along with an aerial photograph of their own home circled in red. YIKES. That's enough to make sure the bathrobe is properly closed and the hair is brushed.

The editor's letter is addressed to the subsciber personally and includes references to the average commuting time, the number of your neighbours with college degrees etc. In a show of restraint, the magazine decided not to publish more personal details about subscribers, like mortgage repayments or supermarket loyalty cards, vehicle registrations, home floor plans or internet searches.EEEEEEK.

All the database information used for its cover story, Database Nation, The Bright Side of Zero Privacy, is avaialable from free public sources like the US Geological Survey, Microsoft's TerraServer.com and the US Census Bureau's website. Scary, scary, scary.

Although TT doesn't plan to subscribe, unlike quizillions of others who are flocking to sign up at the magazine's website, TT readers can check it out (remember the talking, personalized subway advertisements in Minority Report? we think the future is already here!)CLICK HERE ON KEEP YOUR BLINDS DOWN AND YOUR BATHROBE CLOSED.

Of course, if you aren't Searching and Destroying with Spybot, or some equivalent, then for sure someone, somewhere will know about it, so don't be surprised if you get an invite to subscribe or, start getting a lot of spam in favour of medical marijuana use or, political messages tageted just for the Libertarian YOU. Ooops, got to go pull down the blinds.....

AIRLINE PLANS MAJOR PASSENGER ABUSE PROGRAMME

You can't fool TT!!!

We notice that Delta's low cost airline, Song, (as opposed to its regular overpriced airline) plans to give away 5000 free tickets to passengers who are 'nice'. Sure.

TT sees this devious ruse for what it is - a clumsily disguised way of telling us that travel on Song is going to be unbearable. Song will not ever leave on time. It will consistently wildly overbook. It will staff its flights with the surliest, most unpleasant flight attendants it can find. It will guarantee your luggage is lost, ensure that you are surrounded by small, screaming, drooling children. Your seat will be broken. You will get no food or beverages except pretzels whose expiry date is roughly that of when T-Rex's were last seen on earth. It is, in short, going to be hell.

Why else would Song be offering free tickets except if they know that 'being nice' will be virtually impossible in the face of what they have planned.

Why not try having the flight crews 'be nice'. THAT would be a novel concept and might even win them a customer or two.

No, TT plans to give Song as wide a berth as possible. Our business will continue to go to Singapore airlines which gives us something we really appreciate - on board lockers to store passengers who expire en route, so we don't have to have them propped up next to us.

TT readers who insist on finding out more about Song's transparent ploy can CLICK HERE ON PASSENGER ABUSE PROGRAMME INTRODUCED.

GWYNETH BARES FRUIT

We wish people would stop being derisive about the birth of Apple Coldplay, new daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay singer Dell Martin, oops....we mean Chris Martin.

Now, if they had named the HUGE baby (9 pounds 11 ozs and growing) i-pod, we could understand people being a bit rude. There is no evidence that the bambino was named after a computer and even if she was, so what...although we suppose we should brace ourselves for a wave of Baby Gateways, Dells and Compaqs in the coming months.

Of course, some TT sources have suggested that Apple is really named after the fruit and that the name won out in a tight race over Bannana (rumour has it if Demi Moore gives motherhood another shot, Bannana is top of her list).Can Prickly Pear be far behind?? Given the hefty girth of young Apple, TT thinks Watermelon might have been a more appropriate choice though.

What is it with these celebs who insist on saddling their offspring with names like Apple, Tiger Lilly, Moon, Dandelion (offshoot of a Rolling Stone which, apon reflection, we have to agree is better than Moss)? What happened to traditional names like Turnip? Given TTs burgeoning popularity, we are bracing for a copycat wave of Carrots, Squash (one of our emotional favourites)and the ever favourite in the Southern US, Sweet Potato.

WE WON'T MENTION UTAH.....

TT has gleaned some interesting factoids while reading,'IQ and the Wealth of Nations' (OK, OK, so we didn't actually read it but we did look at a couple of charts).

Anyway, the tabloids don't come out till Tuesday so sometimes we get a bit desperate!!

Written by Professors from the Universities of Ulster (guess they can use some serious diversion around there), Tampre (we have no idea where it is but suspect it isn't an Ivy), and Helsinki (those 11 month winters will do strange things to your mind), IQ makes the case for a correlation between national average IQs and a nation's wealth and economic prospertiy. There are the 'smartie countries', lead by the Asian tigers, whose average IQs are the highest--eg. Hong Kong (107), South Korea (106), Japan (105), Taiwan and Singapore (104).

And, at the other end of the spectrum, sits Equatorial Guinea with an average IQ of 59. Oh dear!

For those who MUST know, the USA registers an average IQ of 98, after Germany, Britain, Switzerland and the Netherlands - among others - and ahead of Canada (97),the country mouse, by a whisker.

Actually, what really interested us were the individual US State IQs and how all those Baby Einsteins voted in the 2000 Presidential election.

An in depth analysis by gaggles of nerds makes it abundantly clear that Democrats are smarter than Republicans (a bit of a no brainer but certainly open to question as to just how smart it was to vote for a guy who is now running a cable tv channel for kids ---with programming provided by Canada , yawn). But, the conclusions are clear. The States with the highest average IQs voted for Gore. (eg. Connecticut 113, Massachussetts 111 (all those Harvard and MIT types), New Jersey 111, New York 109, Hawaii 106 and Illinois 104.

The States with (hmmm. is there another way of saying worst/lowest/dumbest?) more modest average IQs, voted for Dubbya. Eg. Alabama, Louisiana, Montana, Oklahoma and South Dakota all at 90, South Carolina and Wyoming at 89 and Mississippi at the very bottom of the barrel at 85.

We are NOT going to mention Utah, though. We KNOW people in Utah and think there must be an error in the Utah score (87, just a sliver ahead of Mississippi). The people we know certainly have scores of 90, and one Utah dog we know has an IQ at least double that (this dog goes to a doggie spa while her owners throw themselves around in a raft on raging rivers, lugging their own toilet....enough said about the relative IQs??. NO, we are not going to mention Utah! We wouldn't want to embarass our friends - there has obviously been an error.

TT readers interested in checking out their State's IQ can do soBY CLICKING HERE ON UTAH BEATS MISSISSIPPI - JUST. Unless of course you live in a State that voted for Dubbya, in which case the answers may be a bit depressing and you may just want to skip the whole thing - or move!!!!

Contributions to the IQ CRISIS IN UTAH FUND can be sent, in any currency, to TT at rootvegies@aol.com . Funds will be used to ensure every household gets a copy of the National Enquirer every week --then just watch what happens in November!!!!!

TT INSPIRED AND INSPIRING

TT has been inspired by Donald Rumsfeld. We know, it does seem a tad unlikely.

Last week, Rumsfeld accepted 'full responsibility' for the prison abuse and torture in Iraq. And, guess what - that's all there was to it. Had we realized there were no practical consequences to taking 'full responsibility', TT would have stepped up to the plate long ago. We had just assumed that taking 'full responsibility' meant, at a minimum, losing one's job but it would seem that it's no more complicated than saying the words. We can handle that!!

So, TT readers are the first to know that TT takes 'full responsibility'. We take 'full responsibility' for everything we have done, everything we have ever wanted to do or thought about doing. Hey, this is easier than we thought..in which case, we will also take 'full responsibility' for everything not claimed by others. We are on a roll here......

We hope that, as Rumsfeld has inspired us, YOU will be inspired by TT's act of contrition and also take 'full responsibility'. We just hope that in the flood of interest in taking 'full responsibility' that there is still stuff left over for all of you................maybe, just to be sure, TT will kick up a little dust this weekend!!!!

MISERABLE MEALS LAUNCHED TO ANNOY US

TT was interested to learn that the McDonald's food emporium are launching a Happy Meals for Adults. YUM!

However, we now learn that, like Bill Clinton's definition of 'is' may not be the same as ours, McDonald's clearly has a different idea of what meals make adults Happy!!

TT had delicious images of fresh foie gras accompanied by a suitable vintage of Vogne Romanee as an appropriate Happy Meal. It turns out that McDonald's idea of an Adult Happy Meal is a salad (could foie gras be hidden under the lettuce?? does it come with chocolate sauce and nuts?), water (WATER?? what adult do YOU know that gets happy over water?) and a pedometer. Huh?? What happened to the cherries jubilee or even the humble chocolate icecream with hot fudge sauce? You cannot even eat a pedometer.

We guess the jury is still out on how Happy these meals are going to make the Adult population but this is one adult that is just plain miserable about this latest offering. Frankly, we think Fat Emporiums should stick to what they do best - deliver artery clogging fat in delicious manifestations. If we wanted a pedometer we would go to the gym - even they sell food that sounds better than this!!CONPR_04152004

AIRLINE RESPONDS TO NEW NICHE MARKET

Finally!!

TT plans to give all our air travel business to Singapore Airlines - the airline that thinks of everything.

No, it isn't the new non-stop flight from Singapore to LA (only 600 hours flying time), nor is it the soon to be launched direct flights between New York and Singapore (only 700 hours in those little sardine cans, suspended 35,000 feet above the earth, over the VAST runwayless Pacific Ocean).

It isn't even the 'exciting new menus' with 'exotic condiments' served during the 16 meals you will need to eat on these prolonged trips.

No, the airline's new airbuses, that will travel these routes, are equipped with a 'special' locker to accommodate the bodies of passengers who expire en route!!! YIKES.

TT, for one, applauds this innovation. We really hate it when they leave deceased passengers propped up in their seats - specially when they are in the seat next to us.

We also hate it when, if the flight isn't very full, they use an empty row to lay out the expired. It is so unfair, really. Those bodies get all that space and we doubt they have to pay extra for it. It only creates envy in those of us who are seated in proximity to the deceased who are laid out in spacious comfort. It isn't as if they can even appreciate the extra leg room!!

If you are feeling poorly, TT suggests checking out Singapore Airlines flight scheduleBY CLICKING HERE ON - SINGAPORE AIRLINES COURTS UNIQUE DEMOGRAPHICS!!!

WMD's FOUND IN IRAQ

Hmmm.

Looks like TT was wrong. Weapons of Mass Destruction HAVE been found in Iraq after all ----they are called digital cameras and it appears that there are far more of them, and with a much greater potency, than even the Bushies had suggested!!

TROUBLE IN KETCHUP COUNTRY

Oh, Oh! It was bound to happen.

Seems there is BIG trouble in Ketchup-Land!!

As Ta-Ray-Za Heinz (Kerry) bops around in her private ketchup coloured jet (do you think maybe the '57' on the tail could be a subtle reference to the red stuff??), things at Ketchup Headquarters have got a little sticky.

Apparently ketchup lovers have been bombarding Heinz with enquiries about whether Heinz is supporting Ta-Ray-Za's hubbie in his quest for the Presidency. Frankly, we had no idea ketchup consumers were such a vocal political constituency - go figure!!

Heinz has now been obliged to protest their non-partisan corporate stance on their website, pointing out their PAC contributions to Dubbya and the Republicans and by hiring a few Republican spinmeisters to get the word out.

Not since the US Department of Agriculture tried to have ketchup delared a vegetable (TT was and is all in favour of that) has ketchup found itself at the centre of such a political storm.

TT readers can go to the Heinz website to read their protestations of impartiality OR follow TTs suggestion and have a bit of mild amusement by CLICKING HERE AND FINDING OUT ABOUT THE KETCHUP POLICE who root out people and establishments who use inferior ketchup (we assume that means non-Heinz ketchup) and punish them.

Meanwhile, the ketchup queen can continue to tool around in her red and white jet (when not in her SUV) until someone gently suggests that the wife of a Presidential candidate may not want to zoom around in a mobile corporate advertisement.

EXTREME MAKEOVER FOR IRAQI BIGWIG

TT notes that the Iraqi General, first tapped to lead the 'put on an Iraqi face' in Fallujah, has been quietly replaced by another Iraqi face.

Officially, we are told that General Saleh, from Saddam's former Republican Guard, had a few skeletons (literally) in his closet. Indeed, seems like maybe the closet was bulging. (shock!! who would have imagined that a former General in the Republican Guard might not be squeaky clean?)

TT knows the Real Story.

Someone finally noticed that General Saleh looked spookily like his former employer - SH. We understand that he has actually been shipped off for guest appearances on 'Nip n Tuck' and 'Extreme Makeover' and may emerge as Tom Cruise or, Sharon Stone or Dick Cheney ---depending on which team works on him.

Watch this space...............................or, maybe, instead of a makeover, Barbara Walters can put him up for adoption (babs, babs, we think its time to go.....)!

BOBBING HEAD DOLL TO BE TERMINATED

TT notes that Ahhhhnold, Muscularly Enhanced Governor of California, is threatening to sue an Ohio company that is producing an Ahhhnold Bobbing Head Doll.(He wants them to stop).

Bobbing Head Dolls are....well, dolls with bobbing heads!!!

Bosley Bobbers sells a wide range of the stubby dolls with bobbing celebrity heads but we haven't seen anything about Jesus or Tom Daschle suing over the unauthorized use of THEIR images.

We were pretty intrigued to see that, whereas other Bobbing Head Dolls sell for $14.95, Ahhnold's stands alone at a hefty $19.95. So, Ahhnold is pricier than Dubbya!! In fact, you can get Dubbya, Laura and Barbara as a package, paying only $39.99.

Or, you can get Kerry, Clark and Dean (now THERE is an interesting Democratic ticket), also for $39.99. TT is still mulling the geopolitical implications - particularly after looking at the 'Retired' Bobbing Head Dolls.

'Retired' dolls include the expected (Reagan and Jimmy Carter) but we wonder if someone ought to gently let Hillary know that her hubbie isn't the only Clinton in the Retired section.

After careful review of the pricing structure, TT is planning to launch TT Bobbing Head dolls, in a variety of sizes - in case of weight loss. TT readers have the opportunity, if they place their orders NOW, to take advantage of the special 'bulk' rates as follows;

1. Statuesque Model - get 13 dolls for $6million, or one small private island;

2. Eye Candy Model - get 13 dolls for $12million, or a large private island with yacht;

3. Sizzler Model - get 12 dolls for the price of 13($22 million), or Canada.

In the interim, TT readers interested in purchasing an Ahhhhnold Bobbing Head. before Ahhhhhnold sues them out of business, should CLICK HERE ON WHO ON EARTH WOULD BUY A CHRIS MATTHEWS DOLL EXCEPT FOR CHRIS MATTHEWS.

NOTE: Orders for TT Bobbing Head Dolls can be placed in advance of sale by contacting rootvegies@aol.com