CANCEL THAT ENQUIRER SUBSCRIPTION NOW!!!!

You have to hand it to the Brits. They do a very good sex scandal.

Not that boring Royal stuff (toe sucking Duchesses are a yawn). It isn't even clear that what these Royals get up to really qualifies as sex. Forget the Gay Butler romps. Isn't that what Gay Butlers do? Romp?

No, we are talking Profumo-calibre stuff. (TT readers who cannot identify with the name Profumo are probably too ill-informed to appreciate the full salaciousness of the current scandal - a scandal that has moved from the tabloids to the front pages of such bastions of journalism as the Guardian ---think New York Times with an English accent and better writing and reporting.)

Let's review where we are. We have a blind Home Secretary (think John Ascroft) in a Labour government (think Democrats), first revealed in the summer to have been having an affair with the Publisher of the Spectator (Conservative---think Republican) since shortly after she married the Publisher of Vogue (think TT) three years ago. Already a case of strange bedfellows.....

The Temptress Publisher of the Spectator should not be confused with the Recently Disgraced Married Editor of the Spectator who was recently revealed to have been in a 'liason' of similar duration with an UnMarried Woman who became pregnant by him and, at least according to her chatty mother, had an abortion.

The (American) Temptress (a former husband has popped out of the woodwork to note that fidelity hadn't been her strong suit in their marriage) in question is pregnant with her second child and the affair with the blind Ashcroftian Home Secretary broke about the time she ended the 'liason' --- in the relatively early stages of second preganancy. Now, the rejected Home Secretary is seeking court ordered access to his 'son',( as well as her unborn child - also believed to be his).

Are you following this?? No way could the Enquirer deal with this level of complexity !!!!

Husband of the Temptress (who apparently started to wander within milliseconds of her current marriage) lets it be known that their son couldn't be anyting other than his as he had his vasectomy reversed and he and the temptress had conceived the offspring through some form of fertility treatment. Or, so he thought. Until the media helpfully illuminated him.

Just as we are starting to digest this, it is revealed that in fact a 'secret' DNA test had already been performed on the young boy, confirming that the boy, and likely the temptress' unborn son, are the offspring of the jilted Home Secretary. Said Home Secretary now apparently wants his paternity recognized by the courts, along with the right to involve himselves in the boy's (and the unborn child's) lives . All this while hunting down terrorists and keeping Britain safe. Talk about multi-tasking. Whew!!

The Temptress must be a pretty good multi-tasker herself. Major affair started shortly after her marriage and all the while managing to have a child, become pregant with another, Publish a Magazine, Do the London Party circuit and, for three years, manage to vacation and 'liase' with her lover without her husband suspecting anything was amiss. She retained her first husband's name a la Ta Ray Za Heinz - at least until the scandal broke and now mysteriously has taken the cuckolded husband's name. Do these people have more hours in the day than we do????

Now, the infuriated Temptress, who had been forgiven by her cuckolded hubbie , is hurling claims that the ex-lover Home Secretary abused his position to help her 'fast-track' a visa application for her nanny (and a few other odds and bobs). The Nanny Class have a real vulnerability . TT makes it a point never to employ nannys or butlers.

Fast-tracking visas gives the mainstream press the excuse it needed to plummet head on into details of the tawdry business, the paternity issues and so on and so on. Frankly, it didn't take much for the wolf pack to be unleashed.

National Enquirer? Forget about it. Pick up any British newspaper - indeed even the venerable BBC - and it is unlikely that you will find anything anywhere that quite matches this one. For those who feel the geopolitical consequences are such that they should inform themselves, TT has deliberately selected one of the least salacious reports for you to read.CLICK ON 'AMERICAN TEMPTRESS LURES BLIND HOME SECRETARY INTO FATHERING CHILDREN.

UKRAINE REJECTS RESULTS OF US PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

In what is clearly becoming a very tricky situation,Ukranian Prime Minister, (according to the Ukraine's Election Commision, which is apparently run by the elderly second cousin of Katherine Harris),Viktor Yanukovych said he does not accept the results of the US Presidential elections as legitimate.

Astute political observers interpreted Yanukovych's remarks as a pre-emptive strike against the US and its recently fired lame-duck but still 'energized' Secretary of State, Colin Powell. Mr Yanukovych cited 'credible reports of abuse and fraud' as a basis for his sombre statements.

Mr Yanukovych darkly warned that if the US government 'does not act immediately and responsibly there will be consequences for our relationship', for America's hopes for a Euro-Atlantic integration and' for individuals perpetuating fraud'.

Mr Yuschenko said that effective immediately he will only deal with John Kerry, pointing out that his own lead over his opponent Viktor Yushcenko was about the same as that of George Bush over John Kerry(what is it with these Ukranian Presidential candidates, do they HAVE to have the same initials and names that are virtually indistinguishable?).

Speaking from one of his mansions, John Kerry has apparently indicated that he will only deal with 'The Other Viktor' and has called for a countrywide 'political strike' - urging all Americans to eat turkey and stuff themselves silly on Thursday, as a sign of solidarity and protest.

Very tricky situation indeed and TT will certainly be following all its twists and turns ..... Note that the State Department Spin Machine is already hard at work ....(.CNN.com - Powell: 'Fraud and abuse' in Ukraine vote - Nov 24, 2004).

THERE IS MORE THAN ONE BORN A MINUTE AND WE WANT OUR SHARE....

TT was mildly astonished when some Florida woman announced she was putting her ten year old grilled cheese sandwich - complete with image of the Virgin Mary - up for sale on e-Bay. We have a funny feeling that no cheese manufacturer is about to jump up and claim credit for having produced this baby!!!!

Now, we have lots of ten year old grilled cheese sandwiches (and other notables) sitting around and it just wouldn't have occurred to us to put them up for sale on e-Bay. Of course, our artifacts don't have an image of the Virgin Mary on them but that is easily rectified we think!!! We were a tad surprised to see that someone bought the V.M Cheese Sandwich artifact (why do we suspect said cheese is orange and comes in slices?') for $28,000, though and it got us thinking.....

We actually have the original cheese used to make our decade old sandwiches, as well as some of the original pickles (truthfully though, they have not improved with age). And, while we cannot claim to have an image of the Virgin Mary (yet) we do have a ones with images of Elton John, Calvin Klein (before Botox), Dubbya, Hillary (she looks great on a ten year old cheese sandwich), Lassie and other assorted other luminaries.

We figure that if there is someone out there ready to pay $28,000 for this cheesy artifact then, even with a sinking $, there is money to be made . We are currently reviewing our 'Best Before' Collection to see what we are ready to part with and are already going through the Neiman Marcus catalogue to identify bling bling and other assorted trinkets we can spend our quizzillions on..

TT readers who may have the odd antique foostuff lying around -preferably with the image of a famous personage, if not a stray saint - can find out more byCLICKING HERE ON CASINO OWNERS NOW CONFIRMED TO HAVE ENDLESS CASH STREAM FROM CUSTOMERS LET DOWN BY THE VIRGIN MARY AND OTHER SAINTS.

DARING PRESIDENTIAL RESCUE OPERATION CAUGHT ON CAMERA

Well, we guess that all those folks who voted for Dubbya as the guy they most trust to keep them safe and cosy must be feeling vindicated today.

Dubbya, without even stopping to change into his tights or put on his magic cape, single handedly dove into a crowd of suspect looking Chilean security types to rescue his own Secret Secret service protector(a little less Secret now that his face has been plastered around the Globe) . Of course, usually it is supposed to be the other way around but we know how much Dubbya believes in pre-emptive action!!!

Forget Spiderman, SuperMan, John Wayne et al. Dubbya really meant it when he said he was going to keep America safe. We just didn't think he meant he was gonna personally do it or that he was going to do it one by one.

Of course, maybe the Secret Service guy just didn't want to get photographed in one of those colourful panchos that kind of take something away from the 'tough guy' stance. But, that's hardly the point, is it?

Maybe the Secret Service guy just couldn't face one more State Dinner or has moral scruples about consuming Chilean Sea Bass. But, that's not the point either.

No. The point surely is that the 51 % who put their confidence in Dubbya are clearly vindicated and can take some comfort in the fact that as Dubbya personally protects each and every one of them - their security needs will take priority over the 48% who were doubtless holding a summit to disuss ways of liberating said Secret Service honcho(that's honcho, not to be confused with pancho --or is it poncho?) as part of a multilateralist and internationalist coalition!!!

TT DETHRONES MARTHA!!! AGAIN

TT always has the tummys of our readers top of mind.

Getting a bit nervous about Thanksgiving? Forgotten how to truss, stuff, defrost, carve or even buy a turkey? Is that recipe for Turkey Fajitas just a dim memory? Want to make an upside down turkey without doing cartwheels or desperate for a Thanksgiving screensaver?

Well forget Martha (she is a bit otherwise occupied this year) and for heaven's sake don't even THINK about callling the Butterball Hotline. Do you really want to put your tummy in the hands of someone who has spent twenty years manning a phone line to answer questions about turkeys?? Graduates of Butterball University they may be (yes, folks there really is a Butterball University) but for the latest in Turkey Tools or Deep Frying your Turkey, TT has it all accessible. Readers can CLICK HERE FOR COOKING BLACKENED TURKEY - DELIBERATELY ---THIS TIME . Everything you need to know for a festive and feastive Thanksgiving!!!

BRITS TO BEACH BABY BELUGAS

Britain is caught up in a new terror threat -- not from Al Quada or the now almost anachronistic IRA, but from Fear of Fat.

Newspapers are full of dire warnings that Brits are waddling towards doom, so overweight are they. Now, confronted with the reality that British kids have a striking resemblance to baby whales, the government is poised to take action against this insidious threat. The baby whales are gonna be beached.

The MultiPronged War on Blubber is to include a ban on junk food advertising. Of course, we worry a bit about how junk food will be defined but trust the powers that be to do the right thing. Surely they do not mean frites or creme fraiche???

We get some helpful hints from the daily press that contains endless stories identifying nasty foods and good alternatives. Sugar Puffs cereal, for example, is a no no for baby belugas (47 percent sugar). Gosh, with a name like Sugar Puffs, who would have guessed there would be so much sugar?

Then there is the nasty Starbucks Double Chocolate Muffin (567 calories, 34 grams of fat and 47 grams of sugar). How is a consumer confronted with a name like Double Chocolate Muffin supposed to know this is bad for you?? I suppose 'Double Chocolate' should be a give-away but apparently Baby Belugas and their even more corpulent parents have been conned by the word 'muffin' into thinking it is a health food.

The government is now proposing a 'traffic light' system of food labelling (Red , Yellow and Green dots). We are a bit worried about this and think there is a huge potential for confusing this with the terror alert system. Some unsuspecting Baby Beluga may pick up a bunch of 'green light' (reserved fro fresh fruit and vegetables) foods and think they no longer have to worry about ricin in the subways.

The government helpfully offers healthy options to consumers who now stupidly think Cadbury's Giant Caramel Fingers are one of the major food groups. They suggest fruit leather (yum) or plain yoghurt as an alternative. Hmmmm. We don't think we like the direction this is taking.

TT, always ready to help out a government in need, has begun to compile a list of foods ready for 'traffic light' labelling. Some examples for readers who want to get ahead of the curve:

Red Dot Foods: (should be eaten very rarely), we think just about all vegetables should have a red dot label. But, turnip (oops), brussels sprouts and sweet potatoes would certainly get a dark red dot.

Yellow Dot Foods: (should be eaten in moderation), we think foie gras and Vacherin Mont d'Or (only available in December/January so easy to stick to) would be good examples of Yellow Dot Foods.

Green Dot Foods: (at least five portions should be eaten daily), Chateau Margaux (appropriate vintage), caviar (Beluga only), and fresh baguette would be reasonable examples.

TT readers who despair of the complexities of the traffic light system should rejoice in America's latest invention. Instead of fiddling around with multicoloured dots, help yourself to a 1,400 calorie and 107 grams of fat Monster Burgerby CLICKING ON BABY BELUGAS FAST TRACK TO THE BIG LEAGUES - NO DOTS REQUIRED.

PSST!!!!! WANNA BUY SOME PREMIUM TRASH???

So, it's true. There IS a market for trash and we plan to capitalize on it.

Some guy in New York is making squillions selling 3 1/2 inch lucite cubes stuffed with garbage that he picks up off new york streets (nothing perishable or leaky of course).

Mr Trash picks up used theatre tickets, subway passes, candy wrappers - just about anything that's been tossed- then charges people $10 a cube. Suckers from 17 countries and 35 states count themselves as customers.

TT figures that if there is a world out there ready to plunk down $10 for New York City garbage, just think what they will pay for TT garbage? All those tossed sequins, used sparklers, last year's tiaras,boas in last season's colours, former residences, old National Enquirers, past due date beluga caviar.......

While TT works on our pricing strategy (we are inclined towards the sky is the limit school of thought) and packaging (sequins likely to figure prominently), readers can console themselves in the mean time by picking up a couple of cubes of NYC Garbage by CLICKING HERE FOR THE 'MORE SUCKERS THAN WE THOUGHT SITE'.

CALVIN KLEIN BRIEFS AND VICTORIA SECRET UNMENTIONABLES ---SET FOR RECORD SALES

Yikes.

TT was feeling mildly optimistic after the 'resignation' (heh, heh, heh) of John Ashcroft - that is, till we heard about his replacement (but more on that another day). Suffice it to say that we don't think the guy, who provided the rationale as to why the Geneva Conventions (he called them 'quaint') don't apply to persons now squirreled away in Guantanamo Bay, offers a lot of hope that our tussles with US immigration and airport security are going to be greatly reduced!!!

We were actually at the point where we thought that, with the Father of airport security misery on his way out, our endless struggles at airports would be coming to a close. WRONG.

We were horrified to read about a new x-ray machine that was installed at Heathrow in October ie . it's already in use!!!

Affectionately referred to as the 'voyeurs charter' this marvel of modern technology sees through clothing (EEEEEEEK!), and produces an 'anatomically detailed' (code for cellulite is visible in all its ugly glory --double EEEEEK) black and white image of the body. Is the fact that it is not in colour supposed to make us feel so much better? Black and white love handles and cellulite don't strike us as a vast improvement, frankly.

Airport authorities claim that at the moment the Demon Machine is voluntary (sure it is!!) and that 98% of people x rayed gave positive feeback. Well sure, they probably picked svelte, buffed bods without a trace of cellulite and wearing great new unmentionables.

We are outraged and plan to avoid Heathrow at all costs - at least until we lose weight, work out, get rid of cellulite and purchase vast quantities of x-ray friendly unmentionables.

TT readers who dont need to buff or lose weight etc can go straight to the 'unmentionables' puchasing stage. Guy readers should check out prices and stylesAT CALVIN KLEIN X-RAY FRIENDLY UNMENTIONABLES FOR THAT NEXT TRIP TO THE AIRPORT.

TT TAKES STRONG POSITION ON LIP SYNCHING

TT has decided that, given the on-going controversy related to the use of lip synching by a number of celebrity song-birds, it is time we openly and frankly addressed the subject before we too are caught up in some controversy.

Milli-Vinilli were the Mothers of All Lip Synchers and suitably disgraced when it emerged that they not only lip synched, but they didn't even sing on their original recordings. They were forced to give back their Grammy and slink into the obscurity from which they had crawled. The name alone merited obscurity in our view.

Recently, some famous wanna-be warbler called Ashlee Simpson (famous to those under the age of 9) was humiliated (as in mulched, dissected, dissembled in front of squillions) on Saturday Night Live when the music (for the wrong song) happily played while she showed no signs of singing. Miss Simpson, who is apparently related to some other Simpson woman (famous to a the 9 -22 demographic), was forced to flee the 'live' set in abject humiliation(abject humiliation is the worst form) with post performance excuses which blamed everything from her band to her throat ailment. I guess 'Talentless Twit Cannot Even Lip Synch Properly' didn't sit well with her manager.

Britney Spears, another heroine to the pre-pubescent set, has been dogged by lip synching accusations for years and Madonna was trashed recently by a more than slightly Prozac-deprived Elton John for lip synching during her current 'live' tour.

Some have even accused Dubba of lip synching through the recent Presidential debates but this is clearly a spurious charge - the base soundtrack would have had to have been a whole lot better before anyone would have been so silly as to even bother lip synching 'it's hard work' or 'freedom is on the march'. With the election over, does that at least mean we won't have to hear those phrases any more? PLEASE.

So, in a pre-emptive move, TT will declare our position on lip synching right now. Madonna has admitted that sip synching is used during parts of her performances when she is performing particularly tricky dance sequences and that's essentially TT's position.

TT only lip synchs particularly strenuous turns of a phrase, words of more than three sylables or between paragraphs that contain particularly challenging and complex ideas. We defend that practice and make no apologies for it.

We depore duplicity of the Ashlee Simpsons of the world who cheat the fans who are paying good money to hear their heros sing live. We will never cheat our canine fans in such a duplicitous fashion.

If you are sadly out of touch and missed the on- air humiliation of a person you have never heard of you can read all about it byCLICKING HERE ON UNKNOWN SISTER OF UNKNOWN CELEB LEFT MORTIFIED AND HUMILIATED BUT MORE PEOPLE KNOW WHO SHE IS NOW THAN BEFORE.

POPULATION OF CANADA TO TRIPLE BY THE END OF THE MONTH

So, Americans have spoken, voting decisively for John Kerry - just before they voted decisively for Dubbya. Hmmm.

Now, the Bi-Coastal Party which appears to represent only those living on the two coasts and who didn't vote for Four More Wars (ooops, we mean Years), are wearing sackcloth and ashes, wringing their various apendages and pretzeling themselves into knots analyzing the Great Defeat.

But, TT has it on good authority that many are not shocked into navel gazing inertia and border crossings into Canada are jammed packed with people stepping over the elderly who have been walking for weeks in order to get cheap Canadian drugs and flu vaccine.

Shell-shocked members of the Bi-Coastal party have been also flocking to the Immigration Canada website, (http://www.cic.gc.ca ). This sleepy little website normally gets 20,000 hits a day. On Wednesday, it soared to 115,000.

Ever helpful, a selfless group of Canadians are offering a lifeline (no million bucks at the end though). These martyrs have launched a campaign to recruit Canadians willing to marry single, sexy, American liberals who seek to escape to eternal snooze control by marrying a Canadian. Now it would seem that there are also martyrs from many other countries (eg Russia - now there is an appealing reversal of the Russian 'bride' syndrome) rushing to the site to sacrifice their Singlehood in order to save their neighbours from Cowboy Conservatism.

Well, if snooze control is your style, then by all means, join the ranks and sign up by CLICKING HERE ON NO GOOD AMERICAN WILL BE LEFT BEHIND but better hurry - those seniors seeking cheap drugs are already almost there and the lines could get pretty long!!! Of course, 51 percent of America doesn't care if they leave. At this time of 'healing' the question some Repbulican's are asking, already into the spirit of renewal, is: What do you say when you hear that there are 20,000 Liberal Americans fleeing America to Canada? Answer: It's a good start. So much for the 'reaching out' process.

THE DAY AFTER:THE LONG - LESS THAN SILENT - SCREAM

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US ELECTION ECLIPSED BY WORLD EVENTS

Ha!! And you thought today was all about the US election. How provincial!!

TT, of course, takes a much more global view of things. Are we the only ones waiting in anticipation for the results of the election today in Palau (for the hideously ill informed, we are talking about the teeny Pacific Island, population 20,000 which has a 'compact of free association' -whatever the hell that means - with the US). It is likely to be every bit as much a cliff hanger as the US election is supposed to be as President Tommy Remengesau, jr. fights hard to be re-elected President with a campaign platform 'preserving the best while improving the rest'. We like it.

How typically myyopic for the US media to think that the US election is the epicentre of important events today. We bet they are going to ignore the release of Shrek 2 on VHS (DVD was yesterday), the opening of the Bobby Fischer extradition hearing in Japan, the 90th anniversary of the crossword puzzle, KD Lang' and Cookie Monster's birthday and fail to give prominence to celebrations of National Devilled Egg Day.

No, we suspect the egocentric mainstream media will obsess over the US elections, leaving it to TT to point out that there ARE other important things going on it the world.

On behalf of our readers, we will be following events ignored by others - particularly International Social Innovations Day. The Global Ideas Bank is encouraging squillions of people from around the world, and who aren't engaged in challenging votes in the US election, to submit an extravaganza of creative ideas for achieving social good. (No kidding).

Ideas are already pouring in - eg. a method of subtly taxing the rich which they can enjoy, organic poetry (huh?), introduction of the siesta into US culture etc etc etc. So while, TT readers seek to funnel their genius ideas BY CLICKING HERE ON SIESTAS FOR ALL, TT plans to put our own genius ideas into action by ensuring we have enough liquid libation,quality munchables and wake up pills for what has been promised to be a cliffhanger (we refer of course to the election in Palau).