BIN LADEN EMERGES FROM NANTUCKET SPA

Hmm. Seems like only yesterday (actually, it was 48 hours ago) that TT noted that all the US election was missing was an OBL videotape endorsing one of the candidates a la Vladimir Putin.

Presto. Emerging from what we believe to be a secure spa-cave in Nantucket, OBL emerges from what has clearly been a refreshing spa stay and looking, dare we say it, positively Presidential. And HOW does he get his whites so white?

No slouching here. OBL erect,tanned, and at a lectern no less, was sartorially cloaked in a golden (ok, ochre) cape. Nice brown backdrop and lighting as good as any of the debate lighting, (clearly good production values in this cave of his) OBL walked a non-partisan line telling Americans their security was not in the hands of Bush OR Kerry (or even Al Quaeda). Clearly, this Nantucket spa must have a movie theatre as OBL, quoting from an opening scene in Farhenheit 9/11, must have seen Michael Moore's Bush squasher.

So, with OBL not exactly looking ill, malnourished or cowering, an already high voltage and toxic campaign just got ratcheted up so TT is going to make a valiant last ditch effort to go on snooze control - at least until the election .......

IF THE WORLD COULD VOTE....

TT had every intention of going on cruise control until after the election and the results are known (currently estimated to be February 3, 2007).

We needed a break to stock up on comestibles and recharge our electorally depleted energies. But, it was not to be.

We first got drawn into the broo ha ha over the missing 360 tons of explosives in Iraq. It seems to us to be a little unfair to blame Dubbya for that. He was only away from his post very very briefly - just long enough to get that medical that he missed 30 years ago.

Then we became intrigued by the string of endorsements from world leaders -well, two of them - for Dubbya. Dubbya's buddy Vladimir took time out from the hard work of crushing Chechnyans to plunk himself squarely in Dubbya's corner. And, the 'moooooolahs' of Iran (that's mulahs in Dubbya-speak) expressed their preference for Dubbya (bet Karl Rove et al were really, really thrilled with that).

While Ariel the Thug in Thug's clothing has been scrupulous in public not to take sides, in private he and his circle of Thuglets have been telling everyone who will listen - and those who won't - that Dubbya is the best friend Israel has ever had.....

YIKES!!! All that seems to be missing is a videotape of OBL (subject to a four month verification of authenticity by the CIA) expressing a preference......

It did get us thinking. If the world could vote, what would the results look like? So, of course we consulted Betavote.com, where voters from every country in the world can vote now and up until election time.

Judging by results to date, Ta-Ray-Za can have a Heinz 57 variety jumbo jet of Pratesi linens delivered to the White House this week.

Dubbya has a lead in only one country in the world - Niger. Yes, folks the Niger of Yellowcake and flawed intelligence dossiers on Iraq.

Of some comfort to the Bush campaign (well, they don't need to pass any global test so they probably aren't paying attention) is that there are still countries where he and His Hairness are in a statistical tie. Countries like Antarctica (are there people there or do penguins now have the vote?), Azerbaijan, Afghanistan (see George, give these guys democracy and see how they repay you?), Iraq (it's not too late to release Saddam and have an Oprah OOOOPS moment and move on) Comoros, Nirie (no we have no idea where that is), and Tajekau (pass the atlas please). Of course Pitcairn, which also has His Hairness and Dubbya in a statistical tie has this teeny weeny propblem that virtually the entire male population just were convicted of rape and will probably, as felons, have their votes nullified.

Brazil, possibly anticipating having someone in the White House who can speak to them in Portuguese, currently have his Hairness leading the battered Bush by 91%. Gosh, Dubbya doesn't give you grief over chopping down your rainforests so doesn't anyone down there want to cut the guy some slack?

TT internationalists who wish to vote in their country or just peruse the the races in the the Marshall or Turks and Caicos islands should CLICK HERE AND HELP BREAK THE STATISTICAL TIE IN MYANMAR. Remember, every vote counts!!!

TT MAKES PRESIDENTIAL CHOICE

OK. It is time to get this election over with.

We are getting progressively more annoyed with both candidates AND their wives.

We are sick of the Swift Boats, the rampaging wolves, the geese hunting,typewriter fonts, the delusional fixations of both candidates and as for 'the wives'.......

The Stepford Wife from Crawford just makes us want to keep pinching her (hard) until she squeels and the mask cracks. And as for the squillionairess (she with a tax rate of 12.5 %), forgive us if we find it a tad hard to be overawed by someone whose job is inherited (as in someone had to die for her to get her job) and, involves giving away someone else's money (LOTS of it). PULEEEEZE. Ta-Ray-Za Heinz (no Kerry on her tax returns) trashed the Stepford Wife for not having had a 'real' job, then apologized, having forgotten her work as a teacher and librarian in the 'past' (MEOW!!). The whole bunch of them makes us cranky!!!

Our annoyance with the bunch of them is now at the point where we see only one option - if we had a vote - and that is to DRAFT BARTLET

The scripts may be losing their edge, the plots getting a little repetitive but Josiah has shown himself to be tough - not above the odd well chosen assassination, managed to restart the Middle East Peace Process, bombed terrorist camps in Syria etc. And yet, he has managed to fix social security,supported the Kyoto Protocol (apparently with the economy not having imploded) been compassionate (brining the Grand Ayatollah's son to the US for a multiple organ transplant) and retained his sense of humour ---all while dealing with a slimy son in law's political aspirations, a kidnapped daughter and MS. This guy can multi-task and we like his wife. So successful is he that he swept back into office for a second term by squillions of adoring Americans - happy AND safe.

So, when the pundits say voters will go with whomever they want to see in their living rooms for the next four years --- we say, let Josiah have a third term. Even with flagging plots (they are only flagging because he has fixed every concievable problem), we would rather see Josiah and Abigail in our living room for the next four years than any of the others, thank you very much.

We warned you we were cranky!!!!

FLASH!! NEW ELECTORAL RULES TO BE ANNOUNCED

TT has learned that the Federal Election Commission is to announce, in the next few hours, new rules relating to the upcoming Presidential election. Insiders say the new rules will vastly simplify the election, reduce costs, eliminate fraud and ensure that everyone knows who won before they go to bed for the night.

The new rules stipulate that:

1. All electoral college votes will immediately be transferred to Ohio..

2. Effective midnight tonight, only voters who are still undecided will be permitted to vote.

3. All residents of Ohio who have made a decision as to who they will vote for by midnight tonight,MUST, as of midnight, October 31/04, have departed the State of Ohio. Offenders will be fedexed to Guantanamo Bay.

4. As of midnight October 23/04 no resident of Ohio who is undecided will be permitted to leave the state until midnight November 3/04.

5. All non-Ohio residents who are undecided must move to Ohio no later than midnight October 31/04.

6. The phalanxes of lawyers currently dipsersed throughout the country to oversee voter fraud (or lack thereof), handle recount issues and file court challenges will disperse no later than midnight October 23/04. Said lawyers must move to Iowa where they will be assigned to shadow a voter. Every voter will have a lawyer assigned to them ( the Lawyers are Your Buddies Programme) to help them operate the voting mechanism in the polling station, validate that the vote registered is as they intended and, in the event of hanging chads or other technical problems, will oversee a revalidation of the ballot.

7. Undecided voters living great distances from Ohio(that will be most people who have any choice in the matter) will be offered the equipment necessary to transport themselves quickly and effortlessly to a polling station in Ohio.CLICK HERE FOR UNDECIDED VOTER TRANSPORT FACILITATION.

FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE GOES TO ARBITRATION

Contrary to published reports that the final Presidential slug-fest was won, by a slim margin, by His Hairness, results of the debate have gone to arbitration.

As of this writing, the powerful Scrabble Advisory Board is meeting to assess whether or not John Kerry should be disqualified and Dubbya named the default winner.

At issue is Kerry's use of the word 'lesbian'.

It would seem that, in addition to it being the first time in recorded history of Presidential politics that a candidate has used the word in public, the use of the word on public television may disqualify Kerry.

Earlier this year a similar situation arose at the National Scrabble Championship when one of the contenders tried to use the word 'lez' only to find it on the list of 'offensive words' and had his move disallowed. Now, as a long time scrabble afficianado, TT always defers to the Mighty Scrabble Advisory Board but we were somewhat surprised because we never knew there was a list of 'offensive' and prohibited words among words contained in the dictionary. We understood that if the word is in the dictionary - it's fair game. It would seem not.

Apparently, it's all about television. 'Lez' was disqualified because the Scrabble Championsips were being televised - hence the need to identify unacceptable words for broadcast. 'Lez' is one of those words.

A spokesman for the Scrabble Advisory Board has told TT that, while Kerry didn't use the slang, the principle was the same and therefore a valid area for review. So, like everyone else, TT will await the verdict of the Board. Either way, Kerry made history. A thorough review of every word uttered during every Presidential debate since Nixon/Kennedy, has shown that this is the first time the word 'lesbian' has been uttered.

So, while you wait while the rest of us for the final opinion, you might just want to brush up on your Scrabble knowledge byCLICKING HERE ON 'LEZ-GATE'.

NOTE TO HIS HAIRNESS: Your Hairness, what were you thinking? When you are making judgement (or lack thereof) a central point in your campaign, speaking on behalf of Mary Cheney definitely puts your judgement in question in TTs books.

When you and your troops whine that John Edwards mentioned Cheney's daughter as some kind of defence, does the fact that John Edwards say something make it OK? But you guys are also missing the bigger points. Edwards' remarks were in context, tone and substance somehow not inappropriate. Whether sincere or not, we cannot judge but they seemed sincere and were directed directly to and about Cheney himself and NOT his daughter. And, the Veep obviously took them accordingly judging from his response.

Your Hairness, your remarks were joltingly out of context and presumed to speak on Mary Cheney's behalf (' I think if you asked Mary Cheney, who is a lesbian. she would say....). John, John, John. How could you remotely presume to know what Mary Cheney thinks or would say? Hubris? Cynical misjudgement? All of the above and more? How about...'I think if you asked Richard Simmons, who is a homosexual, he would say....', or 'I think if you asked Elton John, who is a homosexual, he would say...' Maybe if you had said, ' I think if you asked my wife, who is a lesbian, I think she would say....'. Actually, we aren' t so sure you could accurately predict what your wife would say.

Your Hairness. Apart from poor judgement your remarks also underlined the rather cynical and hollow fabric of your position on gay marriage. 'I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I think it should be up to the States'. Give me a break. We understand Dick Cheney - he is between a rock and a hard place on that one. But where are you on this John? Yes or No?

According to today's polls you seem to have slipped a tad since the Final Debate. We don't know if the Mary Cheney remarks have anything to do with this but we have to think they do and it's got little to do with Mary Cheney and what she would probably think or say. It's got to do with judgement John. It's got to do with clarity of your positions. Think about it.

TT OPTING FOR INCARCERATION

So, the Domestic Diva is going to write a book about her prison experiences (yawn) and likely to get $5 million plus for her efforts.

Hmm. $5 million for 5 months in jail? What ever happened to those laws about not profiting from your crimes?

At what works out to be $1million a month, at least,TT has decided to incarcerate ourselves for 12 months. We don't have Martha's financial cushion so we figure we probably need to spend a bit longer in prison than she does.

We haven't quite figured out what crime we will commit to get ourselves there - maybe we will stuff a ballot box or two - although, we understand that is quite legal, even encouraged, in many states so we will need to do a bit of research on that one before we go to any effort.

We would rather hope we could skip the West Virginia venue though - TT is not big on banjo music and we HAVE seen Deliverance.

TT certainly hopes that Martha plans to deliver a bang for those mega bucks - no decorating tips. We want the straight goods on 'dating', life without botox and using leftover turnips to hide your hair roots.

Now, in anticipation of the vast riches that await us...we are in search of the perfect crime (with the perfect sentance, in the perfect prison).Report says Martha in talks on $5M prison book deal - Oct. 14, 2004

WIR SIND LOCKVOGEL BABY!!!!

Well, looks like TT got bypassed for a Nobel Prize - AGAIN!!!!!

Honestly, we hadn't really expected to get one of the science prizes ---not our strong suit. We would simply say, however, that the guys who got the physics prize (or was it chemistry?) for their work on quarks had somewhat of an advantage. We had to find out what a quark was before we could begin our groundbreaking work, so of course they beat us to it.

And, as for the Kenyan environmentalist who won the Peace Prize....well, we were busy trying to prevent wars, not plant trees (how could we have known that some saplings strategically located would overshadow our efforts to resolve the great geopolitical conflicts of our day?). For next year, we have bought some packages of seeds and framed our Greenpeace membership card, so we should be well placed.

To be frank, we were a little surpised at those guys who won the economics prize. They scarfed it up for their groundbreaking work demonstrating that shocks, like sharp increases in oil prices, play a greater role in causing booms and recessions than demand fluctuations. Well...duh!! We knew that. If we had known it was so easy to get the Nobel for Economics we would have pitched for it earlier. I guess we let our inability to balance a chequebook intimidate us.

What really surprised us is how TT got edged out by someone called Elfriede Jelinek (read by approximately 11 people in the world by our tally) for such works as 'Wir Sind Lockvogel Baby!!!'. Puleeeze.

She won 'for her musical flow of voices and counter voices'. Hello? TT's voices are musical (maybe more of an tuba sound than a flute but music is music, we say).

We have been touched by the squillions of TT fans who have written and demonstrated outside Nobel Prize headquarters in defence of TT. But we are sanguine about our loss and focusing on next year's award -- if Ralph Nader's candidacy doesn't mess up the results of the Afghan election and the watermelon seeds we have planted take root, then we think the Peace Prize just might be ours! Oh, and keep your eyes peeled for our upcoming publication, WIR SIND TURNIPVOGEL, BABE!!!Elfriede Jelinek - Biobibliographische Notiz

WILL YOU STILL NEED ME? WILL YOU STILL FEED ME?

Flowers and birthday greetings outside the old Beatles recording studio on Abbey Road shocked us into the realization that, had he lived, John Lennon would have been 64 tomorrow. YIKES!!

Somehow, we have a hard time trying to 'Imagine' what a 64-year-old Lennon would look like.

Seems to us that one advantage (the only advantage) of expiring young is that your youthful allure is forever frozen in peoples' minds a la Lennon, Jimmy Dean, MM etc. The very idea of a geriatric Marilyn is really more than even an active imagination can handle.

A youthful demise seems to us to be SO much better than shrivelling up into a wizened prune a la Jagger - with the whole world watching and sniggering. Clearly, there are some things that even Botox cannot help.

As TT pondered - Will You Still Need Me? Will you still Feed Me? When I'm 64 (ie in approximately another 34 years!) TT made an executive decision. Just in case the Presidential debates don't percipitate our premature demise, we decided to have a final photograph taken of ourselves. In 34 years, when TT reaches the venerable age of 64 (wink, wink), this will be the last recorded picture of us so we can, a la Lennon et al, remain forever untouched by teeny weeny lines (or deep crevices) in the minds of TT readers - and the world.

You can check out our final photo byCLICKING HERE ON ' WILL YOU STILL NEED ME?. TT is the one on the right....or the left. As you prefer.

TT INJURED IN SPINNING FRENZY

TT is seriously concerned about our mortality.

We just don't know how many more Debates we can take and we KNOW we cannot stand much more of the frenzied spin. We sustained a particularly nasty injury after Karl Rove's declaration that last week's Presidential debate was Bush's best and Kerry's worst. Enough already!!

How many debates does it take to know there are two delusional candidates punching it out for the privelege of being Commander in Chief of the DisUnited States of America. Take your pick. We have one delusional who wears rose-tinted Nemo glasses and thinks everything is just swell in Iraqistan and another delusional who, after talking in French (and deploying his partner to talk in 43 other languages) will convince the world to join America in their 'mistaken and diversionary' adventure (or at least airlift in baguettes and foie gras and bratwurst).

So concerned were we about our ability to get through till November 2 without being spun into oblivion that we headed straight to www.lastwishes.com. We have always rather liked the idea of being able to speak from beyond the grave and now it would seem that thanks to Last Wishes, TT can pontificate ad infinitum!!!

Last Wishes, for a mere $39.99 (and $4.99 a year thereafter), lets you set up a list of people who will receive personalized messages, photos, videos or, importantly, Turnip Top or similar quality literature - AFTER one's demise. Oh, you can do mundane things like store your banking information, your computer passwords, leave instructions for the care and feeding of pets but we see its greatest potential as bequeathing - to the chosen - final epistles of Turnip Top. Some have even used it to store and reveal lifelong secrets once they depart this earth and can no longer be humiliated and mortified (don't hold your breath for TT on that one folks, our secrets are one thing we definitely plan to take with us when we go).

So, with the risks of Death by Spin becoming a distinct possibility, TT plans to skip the next debate and focus on preparing a few post-passing editions of TT. We have decided not to subscribe to the lifetime membership in Last Wishes ($99) as we are pretty sure that even if we manage to elude the next debate -- the spin will surely get us.

TT readers who might care to store their deepest darkest secrets and ensure they are sent to TT after your demise can do so by CLICKING HERE ON VOICES FROM SIX FEET UNDER.

WHITE AFTER LABOUR DAY NOW OK

Political pundits seem to be missing one of the key take-aways from the debate between King Con and His Hairness --- it is no longer a fashion faux pas to wear white after Labour Day.

Maybe The Candidates wives thought health care providers would be necessary after the 'debate' but they both chose to wear white for that 'nursing chic' look. So, distaff readers can consider themselves liberated from the 'No White After Labour Day' dictum.

And the boys were sartorially splendid. Who would have thought there was so much navy blue silk in the world?

We were a bit disappointed that there weren't too many memorable soundbites but Dubbya's talk about the 'mooolahs' had us chuckling. And, while his facial expressions cannot hold a candle to Al's eyerolling and sighing, we can only assume that there will be a major lemon shortage in Florida - Dubbya having sucked the bulk of this year's crop prior to the debate.

His Hairness did what he had to do and Dubbya was - well Dubbya, although he did seem to shrink before our very eyes. What was most remarkable to us was the elephant in the room with them.

How can you have a 90 minute 'debate' on foreign policy, heavily focused on Iraq, terrorism and security and make not even a passing reference to the Israel-Palestinian situation? We know why Dubbya didn't - but how could his Hairness just ignore the 5 ton elephant sitting right behind him? Interesting how those potential Florida and New York votes can have an impact on how much truthfulness Presidential aspirants decide America can handle at one time. Shame on Jim Lehrer - even if the Candidates danced away from this, how could you let them get away with something so pivitol to 'success' in the 'struggle'.

As for TT, we are going to try avoiding getting 'spun' to death and dig out all that white clothing we thought we had to hide away till next year!!

Seattle Post-Intelligencer: AP - Elections: Bush, Kerry families show goodwill