PANOPLY OF WITICISMS ANTICIPATED IN PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

We expect that the Swift boats have been safely, if temporarily, moored and The Candidates are busy sharpening their talons.

Tonight, Dubbya and Howard Dean Lite (oops, we mean John Kerry a/k/a His Hairness) square off in the first Presidential debate. We really just watch these things for the 'surprises'. Will Dubbya try and sneak in an unauthorized pencil? Will His Hairness manage to get through 90 minutes without overusing the word 'panoply'? We think a dozen ' panoply's in 90 minutes is quite sufficient, John.

Frankly, we have virtually no memory of the 2000 debates except Al Gore rolling his eyes, sighing and groaning and that 'lockboxes' figured prominently. We cannot quite recall what those 'lockboxes' were to be used for but we do know they were important.

We know they will both wear navy blue suits but will they both wear red ties? We are loading up on munchables in anticipation. At least it means 90 minutes when we will not have to watch the latest horrid tape of the caged and shackled British hostage (and his extended family) pleading with Tony Bush to intervene and save him from the beheadings meeted out two weeks ago to his American flat mates. The Bad Guys even distribute the tapes complete with their own 'Mission Accomplished'-type banner and Corporate Jihad Inc Logo.

We certainly hope those annoying 'undecided' voters pay attention. We don't actually think there are any undecided voters - just some very canny attention seekers who pretend to be undecided so they can get all the attention of the candidates, the media , the pollsters and the pundits. But, on the off chance that there are a few undecideds, snap out of it. Get with the programme or risk being interned in Florida which will be hermitically sealed off and your votes will count for naught!!!!

TT hopes for, but does not expect, to hear hard answers to hard questions. Dubbya, did your guys fake the CBS National Guard documents and run the Mother of All Stings on Dan Rather? Come on, fess up. If you did, we won't think you are as dopey as you seem. And, His Hairness, how come you are looking so ...well, Orange these days? Is it just a malfunction of our colour settings? Tanning gel run amok? If Ta-Ray-Za can reveal her botox secrets, then surely you owe us the same candor?

Of course, there is always the possibility that His Hairness, who seems to have morphed into a Taller, Less Angry Howard Dean Lite, will explain to us just how his way forward in Iraq is different from Dubbya's. Sorry but you have nuanced us into a stupor.

There is always the comfort that once the 90 minute style battle is over, we can return to some substance. There is the 'Pelosi - Hampton's Murder Trial' getting underway, the Scott Peterson trial entering its denouement, Ms Spears' latest marriage to track, Ta-Ray-Za's tax returns to ferret out and the one that has us really intrigued - unsealing the divorce papers of His Hairness and, of equal importance, the papers from His Hairness' annulment (the one he got AFTER his divorce a la Kennedy even after 18 years of marriage and two kids).

In the interim - pass the popcorn, adjust the colour controls and wait for the commentary on Comedy Central's Daily Show.

MORNING BREAKS ON A WILD WORLD

Whew!!! That was a close one.

Fortunately, Tom Ridge and the boys are on the case and have Fedexed Cat Stevens back to London. So dangerous is Stevens that the Washingnton bound flight he was on had to be diverted to Bangor, Maine. Clearly, fast action needed to be taken to get him away from all those Washington landmarks.

Now we learn that Cat crept on to the terror watch list recently based on reliable information - the sources of which cannot of course be devulged and which places him on the famous Kennedy 'no fly' list.

Now we learn from Tom Ridge that Cat is/was one of his favourite artists. Hmmm. We cannot wait to hear what he has in store for his least favourite artists. Better not even THINK about flying, Kid Rock!!

So, as Morning Breaks on a Wild World and the Peace Train approaches derailment we suggest that TT readers visit Amazon,comBY CLICKING HERE TO STOCK UP ON CAT STEVENS MUSIC while they can. We don't think they have a recording studio in Guantanamo Bay.

TT OUT OPRAHS OPRAH

What's the big deal?

So what if Oprah gave away 276 cars - one to each of her studio audience of the day. It's not like she bought them herself. More like the mother of all product placements and, before you get too awed by it, remember they were ---gasp--Pontiacs!!!

We would never be caught dead giving away Pontiacs. How suburban, down market and well...ordinary.

Not wanting TT readers to feel by-passed, TT is giving each TT reader a bejewelled encrusted tiara (they are conveniently available in 'his' or 'hers'). So, you canCLICK HERE AND READ ABOUT THE MUNDANE PONTIAC GIVE-AWAY(we very much doubt anyone would actually spend money on one) OR, you can claim your bejewelled tiara by contacting rootvegies@aol.com . Please specify jewel preference (ruby, pearl, emerald, sapphire or the' mixed bag' - an understated but dazzling melange) and be sure to indicate whether you prefer the'his' (strong bold lines) or 'hers' (very roccoco and frothy) model.

TYPEWRITER FONTS A KEY CAMPAIGN ISSUE

Gosh. If it hadn't been for Dan Rather and the CBS investigative reporting team, we would never have realized that typewriter fonts were a pivotal campaign issue. Indeed, we would probably just have gone on our merry way thinking the election is all about Swift boats.

Had Dan and the boys not come up with 40 year old documents, we would never have guessed - that Dubbya's family pulled some strings to get him into the national guard rather than a ticket straight to Hanoi. Talk about shock and awe, Dan. That was quite a scoop!! Wonder if anyone else tried that?

Not content to rest on their laurels, Dan et al also produced documents which show that Dubbya skipped a medical and seems to have vanished for a period of time during his stint with the Guard. Actually, Dan, we were a bit disappointed with the 'scoop' (didn't the Boston Globe 'break' this story in 2000?) We really thought you were gonna tell us that Dubbya had actually gone to Canada, along with a lot of other folks whose parents tried but failed to get their kids into the Guard, but I guess your sources haven't got the knack of replicating the Maple Leaf on documents yet.

After vehemently rejecting serious questions that cast doubt on the authenticity of the documents, CBS and Dan have now taken teeny weeny steps backwards. The story is true, its just the documents that are probably fake. Dan says if they will investigate and 'break the story'if there is one. Hello? Dan, hate to break the news to you but looks like the story is well and truly broken.

It's all about those typewriter fonts..

Dan, Dan, Dan. Does the name Piers Morgan ring a bell? He is the editor of the Daily Mirror who was fired because the pics he ran showing prisoner abuse in Iraq were fake. He too implied the fakeness wasn't such a big deal cause the story was true. Fake documents over favouritism? Couldn't these guys come up with something better than that??? Now, if the documents showed George to have been born Georgina --------

Any wonder the networks are losing their viewers in droves? With seven weeks before the election, we now have competing battles between Swift boats and typewriter fonts. Dan, time to hang up your eyeshade. lAs if the last four years didn't supply enough fodder.

TT readers looking for a rest from the Swift boats can research the authenticity of these dreaded documents BY CLICKING HERE ON TYPEWRITER FONTS FRONT AND CENTRE IN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

PORCINE SHAPED CLOUD OVER NORTH KOREA YET TO BE CONFIRMED

TT has it on excellent authority that the CIA are witholding confirmation as to whether or not the cloud spotted over North Korea was, as some have suggested, a porcine-shaped cloud.

The investigative unit expect confirmation to take longer than their confirmations of Osama tapes due to the complexity of the identification process - eyewitness reports being notoriously unreliable and mushrooms come in a dizzying array of shapes.

Some have reported that the cloud was really more like a cloverleaf - not typical of a nuclear blast - and still others maintain that the cloud was really more like an outline of Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction.

Intelligence sources have stressed that even if the cloud can be confirmed to be porcine -shaped this only opens up more questions. Is it more of a Portobello mushroom shape or boletus? Sources point out that their are thousands of types of mushrooms and it could take weeks, if not months, to make a formal identification and ready an invasion force.

While Washington was getting its knickers in a twist over North Korea's nuclear muscle flexing (not to mention declaring Iran's shadow dancing to be 'intolerable') we notice that the Administration was low key to the point of being no-key over Sourth Korea's little confession.

In a decidedly 'oops' moment, the South Koreans confessed quite openly to doing a bit of secret nuclear enrichment and plutonium extraction telling us all to 'keep some perspective on this'. Hmm. So, let's see if we have this right? If you are not publicly identified as part of the axel of evil, its ok to play around with nuclear enrichment but if you are you are on the US hit list - it's a big no-no? Hmm. Just how does anyone expect North Korea to move away from mushroom clouds towards normal pollution when their immediate neighbours are allowed to tinker around with The Big One, they sit on Dubbya's publicly declared Axis of Evil list, and Iraq has given a whole new meaning to pre-emption.

The evidence suggests that those who have nuclear capability are less likely to be invaded than those to do so frankly if TT were running North Korea or Iran, we would be building porcine cloud generating weaponry at as rapid a pace as we could.

In the interim, while the CIA attempts to get to the bottom of this cloud mystery, TT readers can get a taste of the difficulty and complexity involved by(CLICKING HERE ON PORTOBELLO MENACE . Anyone with eyewitness testimony over the shape of this mystery cloud can report it to TT at rootvegies@aol.com.

iPOD ....THEREFORE I AM

A crackerjack team of forensic accountants have issued their final conclusions after an exhaustive investigation of TT's investments.

Without reservation or caveat, TTs best investment is our iPod. Forget Cisco, General Electric, e Bay et al our few hundred $ to buy our sleek purveyor of musical euphoria has delivered serious bang for the buck. Already we have more than 4000 of our most cherished melodies(and not even close to capacity) and have an intense relationship established with itunes.

Of course, we hadn't quite figured out that our investment would require supplementary investments.

Naturally, we went for serious quality headphones that hermetically seal us into our toe tapping, finger snapping, humming Pod. A few extra dollars seemed worth it.

Then, of course we were lured into the ipod lounge and started picking up ipod guides - all of which provide us with extra opportunities to 'accessorize' (translation: spend money). We LOVE the glow in the dark 'jelly' i skins(we would love a body-sculpting---with body pleas--- -glow in the dark dress to match) but then discovered covering or carrying your ipod is not so simple. There is iPod Armour, iPod Travel Cases, armbands and even the Groove Bag which 'lets you enjoy your music and look good doing it' (important we think). Of course if you REALLY want to splurge Gucci et al have also got into the iPod cover/case business but we don't think we are demographically appropriate.

Thanks to the iPod Lounge and iPod Guides (a modest cost) we noticed all the 'must have' iPod techno trinkets - voice recorders, car chargers, fm transmitters, car cassette adapters, travel speakers.......surely these are things we need to enhance the experience?

Thanks to itunes we are seriously into burning cd's - our new favourite Christmas present we suspedt- but that requires purchasing discs by the case. And, we need to buy the magazines to show us even more cool things we can do with our iPod, if only we had the gadgets......

While the forensic accountants recalculate our slightly revised return on investment maybe you would care to join us in the iPOD LOUNGE AND CHECK OUT THE LATEST POD PICS IN THE AROUND THE WORLD SERIES.

OBL REVEALED AS CAVE DWELLING FASHION MAVEN

So, Darth Cheney has finally said it.

According to Darth, Americans are at risk of a terror attack if they make 'the wrong choice' in November. Oh really? And just what choices are we talking about Darth?

Is that the choice between Jimmy Choos or Ferragamos? Armani vs Burberry? Help us out here Dick. We had no idea OBL et al was so sensitive to America's fashion choices but you have our attention.

Maybe a subscription to Vogue for every American household should be tucked in with those Terror Preparedness Kits.

TT is implementing an immediate assessment of our accessories (those have always been our weakest fashion statement - well, OK, hair has never been a particular strength either) and will make the necessary adjustments. We certainly don't want the responsibility of the consequences we now know will come with making the wrong choices. The New York Times > Washington > Campaign 2004 > Cheney Warns of Terror Risk if Kerry Wins

MORAL TURNIPTUDE UNEARTHED IN CULINARY SCANDAL

TT is outraged!!!!

It would seem that moral turniptude, of a particularly egregious nature, may have been uncovered at the James Beard Foundation a culinary charity. Culinary Charity??? Is that a fancy way of saying 'Food Bank for the Affluent', we wondered. And, looks like we were right.

The non-profit, tax exempt group exists to promote American food, wine and chefs -- a worthy cause if ever we heard of one.

Unfortunately, it would seem that the group was so busy whipping up delicious mouth watering treats that it 'forgot' to file a few tax returns for a couple of years. And there seems to be a small matter of hundreds of thousands - maybe millions -of $ unaccounted for. Well, when you are focused on your cassoulet, I guess you do tend to get distracted from more mundane preoccupations like accounting.

This august body raises money mostly through hosting succulent feasts for rich people who fork over $150 a head (wines, food and chefs are all l donated - their time and products - so we figure that at 300 or so feasts a year, this gives the Foundation a tidy profit to pursue its worthwhile aims). Indeed, we have never understood why charity should all go to poor people. It's about time rich people got some charity too, we think.

Oh - and there is the other small problem of the 'scholarships' which the Foundation awards. This Food Bank for the Poverty Challenged raked in $4million plus last year but was only able to award $29,000 in scholarships. Surely, they can not be blamed if there are so few deserving chef-aspirants??? We feel confident they would be awarding more scholarships if there were folks out there that really merited them!!

The Foundation, described by one chef and restauranteur as a 'benevolent shakedown organization' (clearly a chef who has not been asked to donate his talents and food and has his knickers in a twist), spends about $1million a year on its Awards Gala (why shouldn't rich people get a tax deduction for pigging out on the Best the Food Bank can whip up? it seems undemocratic to us that all those soup kitchens dish it out only to the poor and homeless - what do they need tax deductions for anyway?).

Some have criticized another of the Foundation's philanthropic activites - Greens, a 'club' where 25 to 40 year old single, peckish folks can meet while they inbibe fine wines and finer foods. Again we say. Why shouldn't affluent, single but hungry people get a slice of the charity pie?

Crticism of The Foundation has also included barbs over money spent to preserve Mr Beard's house and seems mean-spirited to us. Who else was gonna spend the money to preserve the fire escape where James Beard used to shower in the nude? Apart from the fact that no reasonable person showers in anything other than the nude condition, we think it really sad that a man of his accomplishment didn't have access to the Foundation's largesse while he was alive so he could at least have a proper indoor shower.

But, what is outrageous, inexplicable and, as far as we are concerned, unforgivable are the foods served at these tax-deductible dining club extravaganzas. At one, the featured dish was elvers (babay eels---EEEK) cooked in purple garlic (they would have to pay us a LOT of money to eat elvers!!). Even more egregious was a dish of skewered foie gras in cotton candy (sacre blue!!) and, horror of horrors, an appetizer of frogs legs with rye bread salad (hey, these people never heard of lettuce?). Clearly the IRS and NY Attorney General have, with this information, enough to prove Moral Turniptude - at a minimum.

For readers in the 25 to 40 year age group and who want to meet equally ravenous singles to skarf good wine and food, we suggest you CLICK HERE AND CHECK OUT GREENS BEFORE THE POOR PEOPLE GET WIND OF THIS TAX DEDUCTIBLE DATING SERVICE AND THEY START SPRINGING UP ALL OVER THE PLACE.

TOTAL RECALL CONVENTION ENDS AND CLOSETS EMPTIED

Whew, as one hurricane hits Florida the other one folds its tents and departs New York.

We thought it pretty appropriate that the 'Total Recall' Convention should have Ahhhhnold S as a featured speaker. Total Recall was, of course ,a Schwarzenegger film in which fully formed memories are inserted into unsuspecting persons. Judging from the polls post-convention, it looks like some of those undecideds were the successful recipients of memory transplants.

Actually, we have a small confession to make - we thought The Terminator's speech was great. We are sure there are a number of 2008 aspirants who are very glad the Constitution (as of today) precludes the Terminator from taking a run at the Presidency.Too bad someone didn't throw a net over The Twins though. We already knew they were ditzy party girls but now we also know they have no future on Comedy Central. Better stick to teaching in Harlem, girls.

Just as the Democrats managed to stuff their closets with all their most flamingof liberals during prime time, the Republicans also managed to keep their T Rexs stuffed in closets - we hope they at least had separate closets. The nuanced Dobberman attacks with the most ferocitiy actually came from some guy called Zell who apparently had been in a closet with Alan Keyes, but managed to escape and hurl a little vitriol (boy people can get mean spirited when they don't get tapped for the VP slot). With each party hiding their core constituencies as they talk to the most courted of voters - the Great Undecided (how can ANYONE be undecided at this point?) - one wonders why they just don't rent a big stadium and stuff all those undecideds in it and talk at them till they make up their indecisive minds.

We note that Candidate Kerry zoomed out to Ohio (for the 4,739,040 th time) right after the Elephants finished their balloon drop (the Republican balloons were MUCH better and we loved the faux fireworks). And Dubbya wasted no time in getting out of town and heading to Pennsylvania (for the 3,798,201 th time). Undecided voters and so-called Swing States are clearly the object of the candidates ardent machinations.. May we suggest that as a cost saving and efficiency measure that the election be held ONLY in swing states? Why even bother with the Non-Swinger States?

Now that all the closets are emptied of the party Die Hards (not a Schwarzenegger production) and the balloons have all been pricked, we say a new day for the Girlie-Men has dawned. We will have to wait until November to see ifOPERATION TOTAL RECALL WAS A SUCCESS.