CELEBS FLOCK TO REPUBLICAN LOVE FEST

TT loves to see the celebs who pop up at political conventions (beats listening to the droning platitudes).

We overdosed on Ben Affliction at the Democratic Love In - he seemed to be everywhere and showed great egalitarianism in wooing both His Hairness, the Democratic Candidate, and the Tufts - the Daughters of His Hairness.

Naturally, we were a tad curious to see which of the glittering celebs would be making an appearance at the GOP convention. We were pretty sure that Bruce Springsteen and the Dixie Chicks would be giving the festivities a pass but who, apart from the pumpedmetrosexual Governor of California, will be making an appearance for the Republicans?

Well, we are pretty impressed with the line-up. Seems like Daize Shayne, of all people, will be making an appearance. Not only that, but Daize will be joined by Brooks and Dunn, Sarah Evans and Darryl Worly.

TT has only one question.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? Is Daize a girl? a guy? an ice cream flavour?

What is the point of having celebs at your convention if no one knows who they are?? Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of being a celeb? Don't Republicans read People, the National Enquirer or Star?

TT is prepared to help clarify the Daize questions - CLICK HERE AND FIND OUT IF DAIZE IS BEN AND JERRY'S LATEST ICE CREAM FLAVOUR. As for the rest of the star studded line up...Google them yourselves!

OLYMPICS INSPIRE TT

TT isn't big on watching sporting events on tv --- we are more of the ' do it, don't watch it' school of thought and we have an impressive array of sporting footwear, in their original wrappings, to attest to that.

There is something about the Olympics though that really inspires us (yes, I will have butter on the popcorn please) to purchase more sporting equipment, clothing and gym memberships with that Olympic confidence that someday we will put all this stuff to use!!!

We will confess, however, that the triumph over adversity stories start to seem a lot alike (oooh, does that fudge have nuts in it?). What is the difference between:

a) the Romanian girl, orphaned at six months, kidnapped by guerillas (ya, the gun toting kind), sold into white slavery, putting the other Siamese twin through medical school(from whom she was separated in a history making operation after being airlifted to Brazil through the generous donations of kindly street urchins) and training barefoot in Antarctica ,or

b), the West Virginian girl born out of wedlock to a Vietnamese immigrant and victim of Agent Orange, leased as a child to the Republican Party, forced to live on food stamps while she battled leukemia and right wing conspiracies, and single handedly vanquishing a plague of locusts attacking her mother's small tobacco crop, while she trained with the cast of Deliverance.

We don't want to seem impervious to these stories of olympian triumph over adversity (yum, this cream cheese is very tasty!), but we are a little more drawn to the dark underbelly of the Olympics.

Of course, doping has been a staple of olympics forever so doping stories do notreally pique our interest (please pass the doritos). We were mildly distractedthough by the Tragic (and incredibly Stupid) Greeks who tried to outrun the IOC Doping Authorities - on a motorcycle (a conveniently crashed motorcycle).

Then we watched the pissing match as a judging error led to a ' squirmish' (a TTism) over a gold medal in gymnastics - we hate these sports where judges get to pontificate on things like artistic merit - water ballet? PULEEEZE. Anyway, now the International Gymnastic honchos, who train and pick these error-riddled judges in the first place,, want the obvioulsy corn fed American gymnast to hand back his medal as a gesture of good sportsmanship!!! Give us a break. First they kill offf the joy of winning the medal in the first place (not to mentnion lucrative endorsements), now they want him to hand it back. It's enough to turn us to high caloric sustenance (well, maybe just a little chocolate sauce on that Ben and Jerry's).

TT was inspired, however, by the Australian Olympic Rower. She is the one who, in the final stages of her race, just stopped rowing - infuriating her. ' it doesn't matter whether you win or lose but how you play the game' boatmates --all seven of them. Seems like there was a little Lord of the Flies thing going on on that boat. When the tired rower dropped her oars and stopped rowing, causing her team to finish last, at least some of her idealistic teammates had wanted to throw her overboard. A perfectly normal reaction we would say. If we had trained (please pass the deep fried chicken) for four years, only to have one of our teammates choke in the final stages of a race, seems to us throwing her overboard is a strategically sound move. The only real question seems to us is how fast can you get her out of the boat?

The incident seems to have split Australia - those that think she should have been hurled over the side, and those who take a more charitable and compassionate view (all three of them) . As for the young rower, she seems determined to race again and not slink off into the Australian outback to finish out her days with the kangaroos. Good for her, we say. If we gave up every time someone had wanted to toss us from a boat because we had stopped rowing (how can you eat an ice cream cone and row at the same time, we would like to know) - we would never use all that rowing equipment and clothing we purchased after the last Olympics. Time has actually precluded our using these items but once these Olympics are over, the buffets cleaned out and the Republican Love Fest is over -- we are going to crack open one of those pristine boxes of sports footwear.

Meanwhile, pass the Krispy Kremes and CLICK HERE FOR REPORT ON AUSTRALIAN LORD OF THE FLIES SAGA A SHINING EXAMPLE OF THE OLYMPIC IDEAL.

ANTI-FREEZE TO BE RENDERED LESS DELICIOUS

Gosh, does the effort to deprive us of tasty treats never end?

We have been warned off the succulent temptations of french fries, ice cream, sugar, salt, fats etc etc etc and now it looks like even a tasty snack of anti-freeze is to be taken away from us.

Actually, to be frank, TT had not realized that anti-freeze was so delicious that it posed a threat to us but apparently that is the case and the US Congress, thank goodness, has turned its attention to this lurking menace!!!

Those that think Congress might turn its attention to more pressing matters clearly have failed to appreciate the magnitude of the threat and so Congress is considering the Anti-Freeze Safety Act which would require manufacturers to add a yuky tasting substance to engine coolant and anti-freeze to make it substantially less delicious. No we are not kidding folks.

Actually, Congress is a little slow to have recognized the seductive and delicious temptations offered by anti-freeze. Alburquerque, New Mexico beat them to it with something called 'Scooby's Law'. Seems that Scooby, a local golden retriever, was fiendishly poisoned by slipping him some anti-freeze. Clearly, had the anti-freeze been much less scrumptous, Scooby would still be with us today.

So delicous is anti-freeze (apparently) that it is quickly becoming a murder tool (just another reason to make it less appealing to prospective murder victims). Some woman in Texas killed her husband, then her lover by slipping them a delicious cocktail of antifreeze. What is it with these Texas women, seems that if they aren't running over their husbands with their Mercedes they are slipping them anti-freeze cocktails! Now, as further evidence of this insidious evil, a woman in New Jersey has been convicted of murdering her brother in law via an anti-freeze 'smoothie'. Of course, she only wanted to make him sick so she could steal his money but lawmakers have clearly spied the genesis of an epidemic. Had those cocktails or smoothies been less delicious, these people (not to mention Scooby) would be alive and scarfing Big Macs and fries today.

TT for one is glad to see lawmakers addressing the Big Issues. TT readers can peruse this groundbreaking legislation byCLICKING HERE ON ANTI-FREEZE SMOOTHIES A DELICIOUS TASTE TREAT WHOSE TIME HAS COME AND SOON - IT WOULD SEEM -TO BE HISTORY.

SUN BRONZED BABES OR VIETNAM REDUX?

Surely America has its hands full enough fighting wars in Afghanistan and Iraq (yeah, we happen to think those wars are far from over...anyone see a white flag of surrender or a peace treaty ?), not to mention a global jihad. So, how come Republicans and Democrats are stuck looking into their rearview mirrors and re-fighting a war that ended more than 30 years ago?

These Swift Boat Wars are really beginning to annoy us!!! All that's missing is some guy popping up to testify that gay marriages were performed on the SWIFT boats, on a regular basis.

Enough, already!!!

Shouldn't the two guys who want to lead America be talking about their strategy for the future -- like dealing with the monumental threat posed by the Jihad against America ?

Where is the 'Marshall Plan' for ending America's reliance on Middle Eastern Oil? Oh, His Hairness' platform cont referencef a ten year plan to wean Americans from oil -- but ten years to shift to windmills? or solar panels? All fine and good John but, John, read our lips.This isn't about the environment. This is about not propping up corrupt and authoritarian regimes in exhange for cheap oil. America needs to end its illicit lust-love affair with cheap Middle Eastern oil - and it doesn't have ten years!!!!

When are we gonna hear serious discussion about America's foreign policy as it relates to the Islamic world? Israel? Kashmir? East Timor?Afghanistan? When is someone gonna figure out that the jihad against America has nothing to do with hatred for America's 'freedom' and 'way of life' and figure out that 'they' hate America for what is DOES, not what it IS?

While the battle of the Swift Boat crews slug it out in the battle of fading, war-fogged, defective and selective memories and the MoveOn.org folks continue their wallow on whether or not Dubbya showed up for a medical at his national guard unit or is in bed with the Saudis (duh!), we have decided to take a break from all this and hone in on some meatier issues being raised at the Athens Olympics.

It would seem that sun-bronzed, bikini- clad(orange during day games and silver at night)gyrating and shimmying beach volleyball 'cheerleaders' are causing quite a stir among the beach volleyball teams, some of whom think the cheerleaders and the NFL inspired half time 'dances' are 'demeaning' to their sport.

Give us a break. We have a hard enough time taking beach volleyball seriously as an Olympic sport! The players who are objecting seem to us to differ from the offending cheerleaders only in that their bikinis are a tad larger not as pretty and the cheerleaders seem a little more voluptuous. Come on ladies, why do you think that beach volleyball is the only sport that has packed in the crowds at this Olympics? Think skimpy bikinis and bouncing babes!!!!!

TT readers steel themselves for the upcoming Republican onslaught by wallowing in Vietnam redux orCLICK HERE ON SUN BRONZED BABES POSE GLOBAL POLICY DEBATE.

KENNEDY MENACE FINALLY ACTED UPON

So, the Thwarters of Evil, the Department of Homeland Security, finally figured out what some have long believed - namely that Ted Kennedy may be dangerous to the health of your pharmaceutical business. Kennedy, whose name is apparently the same as the alias used by some big time terrorist, was repeatedly prevented from boarding flights because his name pops up on the infamous no-fly list. By our calculation, there are six squillion people named Edward Kennedy currently being denied access to aircraft in America. But we sure feel safer knowing Homeland Security is on the job. Too bad the rest of us peons don't have Tom Ridge to intervene when our name pops up on one of these nasty lists. We do think the 'no-fly' list is a good idea, although rather incomplete in its execution. We want to see George Bush, Paris Hilton, Brittany Spears, Richard Simmons, Jen-Fleck, Dr Phil, Tom DeLay, Dr Laura, anyone from any of the Reality TV shows - among many, many, many others added to the list. THEN we will feel safer.

McGREEVEY HOSTS THE MOTHER OF ALL 'OUTINGS'

With his PBPW (Perfect Blonde Political Wife) and PAPPs (Perfect Aged Political Parents) supportively at his side, Jimmy McGreevey (a/k/a Governor of New Jersey) hosted the Mother of all Outings.

George Michael, Rosie O and Ellen's 'sortie du closet' looked like small intimate happenings in comparison.

Inspired by Jimmy's revelations, TT would like to take this opportunity to declare that we are not gay and not American. Whew, that wasn't so bad!!

OK, to level the playing field a tad we will also reveal that not every hair in our topknot is its indigenous colour. We periodically consume modest quantities of Ben and Jerry's straight (so to speak) from the tub and we are three pounds overweight (wink, wink).

But enough about us.

Poor Jimmy's biggest sin seems to be monumental bad judgement in his selection of paramour (oh, and there is the small matter of putting him on the payroll as head of Homeland Security - are we the only ones who hear the reverberations of Stalin and Hitler every time we hear 'Homeland Security'?).

The Paramour (a/k/a Israeli Hunk) now claims he was the victim of unwanted sexual advances (yeh, right) and was humiliated and scared (only squllions of dollars could come close to healing these wounds). IH (Israeli Hunk) also just happened to previously work for the sleazie contributor to McGreevey's campaign who has been under investigation (the one who also happens to sit on the Board of some medical school that is seeking permits to operate in New Jersey; permits which IH seemed to think would help heal his pain.)But, none of this should necessarily render us suspicious of his motives. Indeed, the fact that he is represented by an entertainment lawyer strikes us as perfectly reaonable.....why settle for fifteen minutes of fame if you can negotiate 30?

Republicans were predictably salivating and demanding that McGreevey take his Gay American self straight (so to speak) out of office - like yesterday. Now it would seem that there are also Democratic sharks swimming in these murky waters.

TT thinks there is a lot McGreevey could accomplish between now and mid Novermber - if he remains in office. He could be an articulate and vocal spokesperson for people leading double lives - a silent and under-represented group. He could push through some tax relief - few fully appreciate the extra costs involved in leading multiple lives. Some fiscal relief would surely be appropriate. He could also funnel some badly needed funding to support groups - it could even save lives. Maybe Laci Peterson and Lori Hacking would be alive today if their duplicitous partners hadn't snapped under the stress of maintaining multliple personae..

We hope the powers that be take these things into consideration - in the meantime we are gonna soak up every purient detail includingGREEDY ISRAELI HUNK CLAIMS HE IS STRAIGHTISH.

YES, HE REALLY SAID IT....

Yes, it's true. His Hairness did say that if elected President he would wage "a more sensitive war on terrorism". Huh?

Ok, we think we know what he means but what can he have been thinking? Talk about handing Darth Cheney et al cannon fodder.As a certain Governor of California might ask, Is this the 'girly-boy' talking?

It did cause us to start thinking about just what a more 'sensitive' war on terrorism might look like and frankly, we kinda liked it.

Persons travelling through airports would still be required to remove their shoes but, and this is important, they would receive a foot massage afterwards....those subjected to more invasive searches would be entitled to a full body, hot stone massage.

Refreshing beverages and snacks would be provided to those subjected to the capricious interrogation of Immigration Officers and, for those who didn't quite satisfy with their answers they would be detained in the nearest Ritz Carlton. Room service would not, however, be available to the most serious offenders (sensitivity can't be taken to extreme!)

No one could be interrogated without at least six lawyers present and there should be at least one entertainment lawyer present at any inquisition. That way, the subject could be certain that any book and/or movie rights would be protected and an appropriate price negotiated.

Those suspected of nefarious acts or helping those responsible for nefarious acts would no longer be shipped to Guantanamo Bay or Abu Gharaib but dispatched to the closest Club Med where interrogations would be handled by friendly GOs - not Army CID or CIA types.

Methods of interrogation would need revision - no more than four hours of windsurfing at a time, buffets should not be offered more than thrice a day and no one would be required to perform in friendly skits more than a dozen times during their incarceration. And, any one held for longer than six weeks would have the right to a one on one with Oprah or Dr Phil.

We defiitely see some plus sides to this 'sensitive war on terrorism' stuff.....so we think Darth Cheney et al should lay off. We are travelling soon and rather look forward to those foot massages and if they want to cart us off to the Ritz, so be it.....CHECK OUT DARTH'S ATTEMPT TO DEPRIVE US OF FOOT MASSAGES AND A FAIR PRICE FOR TV RIGHTS

TOOTSIE TERROR ALERT

Having scratched Afghanistan and Iraq as possible vaction destinations, now it would seem we wll have to avoid Holland as well..

Apparently, some guy with a fondness for toes (yes, those little things at the end of your feet) has been sneaking up on women sunbathing in parks in Rotterdam and licking their toes - without their permission.

To make matters worse, it would seem that unsolicted toe sucking is not currently a crime in Holland - but then a lot of things are not against the law in the land of tulips , clogs (if these women had been wearing their national footwear the whole thing would be a moot point, of course), fragrant weeds and commercial intimacy.

Not surprisingly there is national outrage and demands for legislation to prohibit stealth toe sucking.....

What can we say? It IS August.

So either leave those open toed sandals at home or scratch Holland off your vacation list -- at least until this terror alert is over. CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS ON STEALTH TOE SUCKING BUT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE DONT GOOGLE IT----CLEARLY THERE IS A LARGER TOE SUCKING UNIVERSE OUT THERE ...................... We don't think you want THESE footprints on your computer!!!

CHATTERERS GET LARYNGITIS

OK, it is now official. TT is confused (again).

We were all nicely adjusted to the Code Orange Terror Alert (stocks of liquid libation, copious quantities of caviar and other essential food stuffs, extra Ferragamo shoes etc) and now we hear that concerns are heightened because the 'chatter' has gone quiet.

Apparently, the 'chatterers' haven't been this quiet since just before 9/11 and this is cause for concern. Now, wasn't it just a few months ago that we were told the alert level had been raised because the 'chatter' was increasing - and increasing to the highest levels since 9/11. Cause for concern.

Will someone please tell us what the deal is here?

Are we to be more worried when the bad guys are chattering up a storm or when they go quiet? Just what is the optimal level of 'chatter', ie the bad guys are just gossiping and talking about which vestal virgins they covet?

Maybe the slowdown in 'chatter' that seems to have everyone worried (it's a different variety of worry from the worry caused by excessive chatter) is nothing more than laryngitis? Bad telephone lines? It IS August vacation season...

One thing we do know, is that we need another Terror Alert Colour Code System for Chatter . TT suggests a four colour code (Black, Blue, Pink and Magenta) in day-glow sequins. How else are we to do good inventory management of our essential supplies -caviar and foie gras have a shelf life you know!!!.CLICK HERE IF YOU HAVE BEEN ASLEEP AND AREN'T AWARE OF THE SCARY SLOWDOWN IN CHATTER.

ENTERTAINMENT VALUES THREATENED BY REGIME CHANGE IN AMERICA

With even Bruce Springsteen weighing in on the side of regime change in Washington (now that the NY Times is carrying op ed/editorials from Springsteen, we would like to hear from Britney Spears and P-Diddy ), TT will admit to mild concern over a Kerry Presidency.

Can John Kerry ever possibly even aspire to be as consistent and reliable a source of amusement as Dubbya?

Only yesterday, we were again forced to confront this question when Dubbya said:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

Now, His Hairness might provide some mild amusement via Ta-Ray-Za but let's face it - telling a reporter to 'shove it' is pretty crude stuff when compared to Dubbya's utterings.

So, we are concerned about regime change in Washington and what it will mean to the CLI (Consumer Laugh Index). His Hairness is going to have to go some distance to rival the May 27/04 declaration of Dubbya: 'I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein' ---CLICK HERE ON 'COULD WE MAKE THIS STUFF UP?.

SAY CHEESE!!!!

TT found it rather odd when Swiss tennis officials prsented Roger Federer with a cow after he won Wimbledon last year.

Let us just say, that if we were ever to win Wimbledon we would hope that we would be presented with something with a little more flash and that doesn't have to be milked.

Now we learn that you can avoid all the muss and fuss of actually owning a cow and just rent it for the summer. Now, that's pretty cool. We knew you could rent islands , castles, yachts and even bling bling but this was certainly news to us.

For only $300 (plus $13 a kilo for the cheese your bovine will produce over the summer-fromage de Turnip Top anyone?) a couple of farmers in the Bernese Oberland will rent you a cow for the summer. A luxurious mountain chalet was a little more what we had in mind.

Your rented cow will munch alpine grass all summer and you can pick up your own personal cheese in the fall - some 120kg of it!!! We do rather like fondue but 120kg of cheese is a LOT of fondue.

Farmer Wyler who came up with this idea to earn a little extra cash has, surprisingly to us, rented all 100 of his cows this summer -who would have thought there were so many ardent cheese lovers around!!!.

You can make your reservations for next summer BY CLICKING HERE ON 'ELSIE' SELLS OUTbut TT thinks we will stick to Dean and DeLuca or Balducci's for our cheese and put the $300 towards that luxury mountain hide-away!!