CHENEY TALKS TRASH BUT MISSES MONEY SPINNING OPPORTUNITY

Looks to us like the Bushies are a tad stressed out.

Wolfowitz goes on a rant about how Iraq-based journalists are cowards and the taciturn Vice President did the unthinkable - he told a Vermont Senator to 'go f--- yourself' (GASP!)...on the floor of the Senate!! (TT has made an editorial decision not to print the word and risk getting caught up in those programmes that filter out the salacious and obscene, possibly preventing TT devotees from accessing their dose of TT wisdom).

All in a twitter, the fourth estate reported on the Veeps meltdown modestly. Most, including the New York Times, referred to it as 'an expletive', or ' the F word',, or even ' go F--- yourself' (blush).

Only the Washington Post (that we know of) actually printed the 'go f--- yourself' in its splendid entirety. It then proceeded to print a tortured piece on their policy on printing the word 'F---'. Only when it is 'newsworthy' and 'essential for readers' full comprehenson'!! Presumably the editors feared readers might confuse this F word and think the veep said, ' Go Fox Yourself'. Glad they cleared that up for us.

What we do not understand is why Cheney chose to talk trash rather than tap into a clearly lucrative market and try to sell it like a couple of enterprising 'artistes'.

As if New York didn't have enough indigenous trash, it seems they have had to import it.

Two French (gutsy for the French to try selling anything to Americans these days) photographers have spent 15 years collecting and photographing the trash of the celebs and stars. You have to admit, 15 years of trash trolling shows a certain dedication to the arts, we doubt TT could have maintained an interest longer than four or five years!!

Photographs of their dedication are now on disply in a New York gallery and are for sale at $6000 a pop. (NOTE; Limited edition photos of TTs trash are available for $5999 at rootvegies@aol.com)

An exhibit of historical significance, we learn from the trash photos that Tom Cruise needs nose hair clipppers (we have long suspected that), Marlon Brando has an unheallthy appetite for Hebrew National quarter pound jumbo hot dogs,
Stephen Spielberg reads TV Guide and People magazine and someone in the Reagan household (we don't think its the Gipper) threw away what is possibly the world's teeny weeniest bra ever!! Madonna has her dog on a low fat diet but apparently feeds the kids sugar laden Cocao Pebbles cereal. We were a tad horrified to see that Jack Nicholson seems to eat Lunchables (we aren't going to mention the jello boxes) but at least he seems to do it with fine French champagne. Most intirguing is the sudden removal of one trash photo from the exhibit - that of Larry King. Seems the photo contained a shot of a discarded Depends package (for adult incontinence). We are sure they probably are those of his 68 year younger wife but the photo has been carted away and hidden wherever naughty pictures are stored (and sold for 20 times the original price).

As for TT, we have developed a new sensitivity to what we throw away. We are currently perparing a trash bag filled with items we believe to be consistent with our image: empty Vogne Romanee bottles, fresh foie gras packs, beluga caviar tins, a few Armani , Tiffany and Bulgari boxes as well as a random assortment of matchbook covers from six star hotels and spas around the world. May we suggest TT readers follow our lead....

SOVEREIGNTY-LITE LAUNCHED IN IRAQ

Gosh.

Things are going so well in Iraq that the Mother of All Hot Potatoes has been turned over to the Iraqis early!! SURPRISE!!!!

Dubbya, more than just a tad euphoric in his remarks, said, 'the Iraqi people have their country back' (how long do you think it will take before we hear more about how the Iraqi's are just not cutting it, after receiving this wonderful gift,,, talk about poisoned chalices!). Indeed, the foundations of spin are already being laid --'now it's up to the Iraqis, although we will be there to support them'. Yeh, right!!

So, the Interim Transitional Government, with an Interim Transitional Constitution gets to drink from the chalice in between beheadings, carbombs, and general chaos and mayhem. Add to that the small details, like the law passed by the CPA that prevents the new government from changing any laws passed by the CPA, or the capitalist foundations that permit foreign investors to repartriate 100% of their profits (TT thought efforts were being made to stop the looting!)or, the elimination of tariffs - tariff elimination would sure be one of OUR priorities. We have to conclude that this looks a lot like NO-CARB SOVEREIGNTY (where's the beef?) to us!!

We did get mild amusement from the speach of the new Prime Minister ---making nice with the Iranians before mentioning the Coalition of the Cajoled, Coerced and Purchased must have made the Bushies wince.

And there was Dubbya, talking about another successful mission (like the 'mission accomplished' in May).....please, do us a favour George. No more missions, please. There is only so much success that we can handle in a decade.CHECK OUT NO-CARB SOVEREIGNTY FOR DIET CONSCIOUS IRAQ.

BUBBA: THE JUICY BITS

Some clearly underoccupied folks have apparently been lining up for as much as 12 hours to buy Bubba's 900 plus page tome, My Life. Have these people never heard of Amazon.com?

While TT wrestles with questions like, How do you read a book that big without doing permanent damage to oneself?, those helpful folks at Slate have Outturnipped us and produced a primer,pulling out all the juicier bits into a neat one page package.

Given TTs propensity for the superficial, the tawdry and the tangential this public service is one we really appreciated.No point in getting distracted by health care reform or Middle Eastern peace initiatives. Now we can use the book for holding open doors, building up our triceps or just leaving around on the coffee table for visitors to be impressed with.

We think this article gives us all the substance we need.

We learn that Bubba once was the only kid at an Easter Egg hunt not to get an egg cause he was too chubby to run fast, he didn't learn to ride a bike without training wheels till he was 22 and, as a law student, got a lottery ticket from a transvestite in exchange for some informal legal advice.

The article pulls out handy page references like the one on page 76 when Bubba tells a Catholic priest that he didn't think he would be able to keep a vow of chastity even if he was a Catholic (clearly demonstrating a high level of self-awareness on that one). We learn about his self control on page 166 when he declined to visit a prostitute in Amsterdam and that such improbable people as Chevy Chase, Tina Turner and Goldie Hawn inspired him. Chevy Chase?? Go figure.

Paula Jones is a sentance ('I hadn't sexually harassed her' -hardly worth ploughing through 900 pages for) and Monica becomes 'an inappropriate encounter'- 'fifteeen minutes'. Gennifer Flowers is another sentance and Kathleen Wiley et al don't seem to rate even a fleeting grope.

The policy wonks can of course feel free to wade through My Life - Volume I (we feel certain that the loquacious Bubba will be back with More About My Life) but for those who really just want the important stuff, TT recommendsCLICKING HERE TO READ BUBBA NUGGETS.

BUBBAMANIA UNLEASHED ON WEAKENED PUBLIC

It's started.

Still debilated from an avalanche of Reagan-Wallow,now Bubba has emerged from the shadows that he hates to the limelight he relishes. And, wave 2 of the nostalgia hurricane hits. Clearly, no hook is ever quite enough to keep Bubba away from the epi-centre of attention for long.

With his 900 page plus tome,'My Life',hitting the bookstores, the media blitz has started(and of course we beleive John Kerry when he says he doesn't think it or the ubiquitous Clinton steals his thunder!). Here we are, still weakened from an 8 day Reagan nostalgia wallow and now we have to cope with a Bubba Deluge. We guess its only fair though that if a Republican President gets a media orgy then the principle of 'equal time' demands that a Democratic President now gets his (next) turn at a Nostalgia Overdose effort.

So eager is Bubba to recapture centre stage that he and his book seem quite prepared(even eager) to engage in profound psychobabbble analysis of his indiscretion (nice word, eh?) with Monica. Yawn, Bubba we already know why you (and countless others of the male species) did it.

We fear, however, that the Bubba Tsunami will not get us answers to the big questions
.
For example, how is the hairdresser Christofe going to manage to coif both Clinton and Kerry while both are sharing the same spotlight? Will they go for a different look? Switch hairdressers?

After Bubba confessed to Hillary about his Monica folly, why did he sleep on the couch when he lived in a house that must have a squillion bedrooms?

These important geopolitical questions may get answered of course, but while we are waiting we are putting on the hurricane shutters. Readers will NOT find the answers by CLICKING HERE ON BUBBA PROVIDES NEW INSIGHTS INTO DEFINING THE WORD 'IS'.A word of warning to readers who still want to read My Life. At 957 pages this book should carry a warning label - dropping it on your foot could cause permanent disfigurement so be warned.

TURNIP TOP EMBRACES MODESTY

Esther, formerly known as Madonna (somehow, Like A Virgin - sung by Esther- doesn't quite cut it with us) is not only changing her name, but apparently has decided to embrace modesty.

TT is inspired. Esther told ABC that she wanted to attach herself 'to the energy of a different name' and that makes sense to us. We are already reviewing alternative names --Zucchini Top, Okra Top, Broccoli Top -- to go with our new persona. Naturally, we will want a name that is low-carb to be consistent with current trends though.

Most importantly, Esther has decided to embrace modesty. She told her interviewer that after a decade of taking her clothes off...'then what? then what?'

TT was thinking JUST the same thing. After shedding our greens for a decade, now what? now what?

We just love it when celebs get introspective!! It seems to happen roughly at the same time as they reach an age when no one really wants them to take their clothes off anyway and when they have so much money and so much stuff they run out of countries to buy houses in. We chose to take Esther's new found modesty as genuine(was 'the kiss' before or after the modesty phase?)and reject any notion that it might be that folks would rather look at Beyonce or Britney in a minimalist state.

While TT reviews the energy content of a possible new, and modest, name - TT readers can CLICK HERE ON ESTHER RE-ISSUES MODEST VERSION OF SEX.

IRONING CLASSIFIED AS DANGEROUS SPORT - FINALLY

It would seem that some folks have finally figured out what TT has known for ages - ironing is an 'extreme' sport.

We now have confirmation from the Extreme Ironing Bureau that ironing is a seriously dangerous activity (what on earth took so long?). The Bureau's members have such catchy names as Adreneline Junky (funny, we never noticed an adreneline rush when we ironed), Aging Trekkie (kind of speaks to their demographics), and Starch (self explanatory, we think).

These obviously incredibly bored individuals have now established 'extreme ironing' as a sport - clearly mountain climbing blindfolded and backwards failed to deliver the requisite testosterone surge. The sport, which basicly involves ironing in weird places while doing peculiar things(frankly,we think ironing itself is peculiar) is self-described as combining the 'thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt'.

They iron on mountain tops, on gliders, while snorkling, running marathons and apparently get some sort of thrill. Frankly, TT has always known ironing was dangerous and we avoid it at all costs. If these fools are ready to risk their lives, so be it, but we are taking no chances. We have eliminated ironing, dishwashing, dusting...indeed, as a precautionary move, we take pride in doing NO household chores of any sort. We will find other, safer ways of getting our adreneline rushes (like picking up a fresh new copy of the National Enquirer).

Daredevil TT readers can check out this possibly lobotomized group byCLICKING HERE AT ONLY DIMWITS DO THEIR OWN IRONING.

REAGAN TO REPLACE HAMILTON AS FOUNDING FATHER

YIKES!!!

Is there no end to the Reagan-Wallow? It's lasted longer than J-Low's marriages.

We are now convinced that the Reagan- Mania that has consumed America for the last week, may be infectious. How else can one explain the rather grotesque 24/7 coverage.

Clearly a funeral, or in this case serial funerals, are not the time or place for the negatives or even, dare we say it, objectivity. We certainly wouldn't expect any different at our own passing. But, this 8 day wallow in political correctness is making us billious. Even hiding under the duvet has not been adequate to shield us from it. We want better duvets, please.

Just when we thought it might be over, and history might be left to make the final and considerably less effusive determinations, we get a groundswell to have Alexander Hamilton's face wiped from the $10 bill and replaced by the visage of guess who? Hello? Are we the only one who thinks it a tad inappropriate to be talking about obliterating the face of a Founding Father of America nine milliseconds after his 'replacement' is deceased ? Surely the country hasn't run out of airports, bridges, schools, stamps, car washes,homeless shelters (the Ronald Regan Trickle Down Shelter sure does have a certain cache) aids hospices (remember how much RR did for aids?) or air traffic control towers!!!!

Of course, Alexander Hamilton is the guy that wrote that, 'the practice of arbitrary imprisonments have been, in all ages, the favorite and most formidable instruments of tyranny'. Hmmm. Maybe that's why the chattering classes are so quick and eager to get him off that $10 bill. Must make a few folks in the Pentabush a tad uncomfortable.

Personally, we kind of like Hamilton. We don't really remember much about him (thank heavens we have the $10 bill to jog our memories) BUT we do like the fact that he perished in a duel, at the hands of a sitting Vice President no less!!! Take note Dick Cheney.

But just as the Californai sun is setting on the last last last funeral and we think it is safe to come out from under the duvet....we are blinded by Dubbya's dad parachuting out of planes and John Kerry risking the possibility of being arrested for stalking John McCain. Hmm. Mabe it is pretty close to being over..

If this isn't enough to drive TT readers back to the duvet, you can catch up on the 'currency debate' byCLICKING HERE ON; FOUNDING FATHER DEPOSED.'

AMERICA BLINDED BY VENUS

Enough with the warm and fuzzy revisionist history of Ronald Reagan!!!

We are only on day two of the endless funeral and it would seem that America must have ignored the warnings and looked directly at the transit of Venus across the sun. What else explains the mass amnesia?

OK, he was President of the United States and he gave us some amusing moments, but isn't this the same guy who sold weapons to Iran (the same Iran that had held a large number of Americans hostage), used the profits to fund an illegal war in Nicaragua and then lied about it? A double header of impeachable offences.

Is this not the same Ronald Reagan who then turned around and backed Saddam Hussein against the Iranian mullehs (ya, the same ones he had armed milliseconds before).

Isn't this the same guy who told the Russians that we would all be on the same side if we were attacked by Mars?

No We don't think we can watch, 'bring down the wall' one more time so TT is going to bed, pulling the covers over our topnot until its all over......We just don't think we can handle the beatification process as it escalates through the fog of spin. Wake us up when it's over!!

Of course, TT readers who watched the transit of Venus without protection and want to sign the RR condolences book can simply CLICK HERE ON AMERICAN ADD MORPHS INTO TERMINAL AMNESIA!

JEN-LARK ENDS LONG PERIOD OF HEARTBREAK

Gosh,

Looks like TT was so busy preparing to watch Venus pass before the sun tomorrow (dark glasses, snacks, liquid beverages, comfy chaise lounge etc.) that we hadn't realized that Jen-Fleck (the distaff portion of Bennifer) had emerged from her long period of heartbreak (at least five months) and found a new soul mate to whom she could commit forever, or at least till next month.

J-Lo apprently became Jen- Lark over the weekend, marrying (with a suitable pre-nup we assume) that other pillar of marital stability, Mark Anthony . Anthony, emerged from his own painful romantic history with a divorce ---oh, must be almost a week ago now...after a long marriage which included a couple of kids (plus one from a previous 'liason'), two separations, a renewal of vows (some good that did), and all that in less than four years. TT admires the resilience of these two. So much heartbreak, such recovery capabilities. We like this 'fast forward' attitude. Why wallow for months or years in misery ?

While we wait for the offspring, the separation and ugly divorce we are settling in to watch the transit of Venus (Venus is roughly the size of Jen-Lark's latest engagement bling bling) tomorrow because we don't think the champagne and caviar will taste as good in 2012 and frankly we hope we aren't around for the 2117 transit!!!

TT readers in Utah and points west who will be deprived of one celestial extravaganza tomorrow can console themselves by reading about the other one byCLICKIN HERE ON; CYCLICAL MONOGAMY TRIUMPHS OVER HEARTBREEAK.

PORTLY CANINES NEW TARGET IN WAR ON FAT

TT readers of the canine persuasion ( we don't think TT readers are dogs but we believe we have one doggie reader) should be quaking in their boots - all four of them.

Not content with badgering humans about the looming fat apocalypse, dogs can forget about being able to munch those high fat , high calorie treats with impunity.

Time magazine featured, not Iraq or terrorism or Global Toasting on its cover last week, but FAT and how it is taking over America. Reading this, one could feel fairly blase about terror threats because no one will live long enough to be seriously threatened. Everyone will have toppled over long before any of those lurking evils impinge upon the American Dream ( a double cheese with fries seems to have replaced home ownership as the official American Dream). We have the release of SuperSize me, a film which follows one pathetic mans 30 day oddyssy of eating only at fast food joints, packing on 30 pounds and just about killing himself. (So much for 'lite' entertainment).

The Atkins craze has now made it more difficult to get a piece of bread in a restuarant than courteous service. McDonalds, the arch-fat emporium is flogging salads (happily they have more fat and calories than the burgers, suddenly making the burgers seem like a reasonable food choice).

Britain is in the midst of a full fledged fat frenzy. The papers are full of horror stories about three year olds chocking on their own fat and there are rumblings about giving children annual 'fat checks' at school. The results would be 'quietly' communicated to the parents. Quietly communicated? What, by Morse Code? a whisper? by carrier pigeon? We do worry about a proposal to have colour coded (red, yellow, green) warnings on food. What if we get our terror alert colour codes mixed up with our fat terror alerts?

Now there are signs that the Fat Frenzy has turned towards dogs ---where it should have been all along, in our view.

Pedigree Dog Food now has Atkins for the Spikes and Fifis of this world and pooches whose cruel masters force them on to this regime can expect to slim down by 10% in 12 weeks. No more baguette and butter for you, four footed chubettes.

We were a little curious as to what out canine friends would be giving up as we don't really think too many of them manage to get their greasy little paws on baguettes, cheeseburgers or fries and we were surprised.

It would seem that mans best friend has an array of yummis available that most two legged folks dont get. Venison and Sweet Potato? Duck? Beef, Bacon and Cheese Nibbles? OR how about Fish and Sweet Potato? Frankly, we think serving Fish and Sweet Potato to anyone would be a sure weight loss tool. YUK. Not much chance of over indulgence with that one.

Doggie Diets are now such a craze that there are whole 'Wellness' lines, low-carb, vegetearian, organic and so on and so on. Candae dog food's line for 'senior and overweight dogs' stresses that its yummies are baked 'not extruded'. Now, we aren't sure what 'extruding' involves but it doesn't sound appetizing to us so is there really any risk of massive weight gain by serving up to Spot a nice tasty dish of extruded something? TT thinks not. Just maybe things are getting a little out of whack here?

Readers, irrespective of the number of feet, can check out just some of the feasting and fasting possibilities BY CLICKING HERE ON CANINE DIETARY DELIGHTS. Meanwhile, with the spotlight appropriately cast on dogs (can cats be far behind?), TT is going to partake of a small chocolate sundae - hold the whipped cream, we are trying to watch what we eat!!

MADONNA RE-INVENTION TOUR ECLIPSED

Madonna, who has just launched her (latest) Reinvention Tour has been eclipsed it would seem - by the Iraqi Governing Council.

The Council, which has served as the interim government of Iraq, today disbanded itself and came back as......ITSELF, the Interim Government of Iraq.

Have we missed something here? Aren't these guys the same guys as the previous interim government? And, talk about top heavy organizations (TT takes back our comments about Hammas who look like a lean mean machine in comparison to this title ridden bunch). We have Presidents, multiple Prime Ministers, Deputy Prime Ministers and what seem to be THOUSANDS of Cabinet Ministers. Anyone else feel sorry for the Minister of the Environment?

So, as Dubbya said last week, 'the training wheels are coming off (if Dubbya hasn't then why should they?) Or, as TT would say. Better get the guys from Queer Eye working on these folks or their reviews are going to be as brutal as the ones Madonna is getting.