CANDLES IN THE WIND

Political junkies have no doubt already identified their Bush-slayer of choice in the race to choose a Democratic candidate.

Results in Iowa and New Hampshire notwithstanding, all the candidates save Carol Mosely Braun (and Dick-and Jane) are still standing (although some seem to be swaying quite a bit in the winds).

Time/AOL News have a cutesy questionnaire on a range of issues (gay marriage, abortion, health care) which you can answer and then be matched up with the candidate(s) that come closest to your views.

You might just find some surprises. TTs preferred candidates did not appear in the top three matches we chalked up when we took the little quiz....hmmmmm. Who would have thought we would have so much in common with Al Sharpton?? Who could us imagine ever voting for him??CLICK HERE AND TAKE THE QUIZ BUT BE PREPARED TO BE SURPRISED. WE WERE!!

ODE TO DUBBYA

It has been pointed out to TT that we are often unkind to Dubbya.

We think that is correct.

But, we would also say that TT is unkind in a very even handed way. Our scalpel is an equal opportunity utensil.

But, in order not to be accused (again) of trashing Dubbya, we decided to itemize a few of the things we LIKED about the State of the Union Address.

. We liked the orgasmic reaction of Republicans when Dubbya proclaimed abstinence as the only sure method of contraception (indeed, if the reaction from abstinence is anything like what those Republicans seemed to be experiencing, we think we might try it!);

.We liked the stern warning to steroid users (even more, we liked the cable network that popped up a picture of the Governor of California during this portion of the speech). We had NO idea that the problem was of a magnitude that it should be dealt with along with those WMDs and Iraq;

.We liked seeing convicted felon Chalabi leering from the audience near Laura B. The Iraqi exile, who is now a member of the Governing Council, spent 45 years outside Iraq and apparently isnt spending much time there now either since he is always popping up in Washington and New York, cities that have electricity, restaurants, running water and security. We are sure that will enhance his already minimal credibility.

. We liked the straightforward way the WMD issue was dealt with. Unlike last year's menacing message conjuring up heaps of yellowcake and WMD's ready to rain down on America within 45 minutes, we now know that even though no weapons have been found , there were "dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities". "Program activities"? We hadn't realized program activities could be so lethal. Is death by program activity a sharp quick one or a long lingering one, we wonder?

So, don't say that TT doesn't give Dubbya his due.

If you missed the speech, want to relive it or just double check where each of the 71 separate applause cues for Republicans came you canCLICK HERE ON "WE DONT NEED A PERMISSION SLIP.

STRANGLED MUPPETS ESCAPE

OK, we give up. Who left Howard Dean's battery on supercharge and then dropped him into a bathtub???

What WAS that sound he made at the end of his maniacal rant in Iowa (after being trounced)????

All that was missing was for his head to swivel around and to spew green "stuff" a la Linda Blair.

We aren't sure why politicians seem to think that yelling makes them seem more energetic but they all seem to fall victim to cranking up the decibels. Even Wes Clark seems to be getting a bit hoarse from screeching out his 'messages' (Kerry was just a lieutenant, I was a General --well, pardon ME!!).

Nothing we can recall quite matches the Dean implosion (Stephen King look out!). After screaching out the names of all the states in upcoming primaries - eyeballs bulging (MUST we have to look at it over and over and over again?)- there was that SOUND. Samurai on speed?

Or, as the New York Post described it, like a "muppet being strangled" (we have never heard a muppet being strangled but that is probably what it sounds like.CLICK HERE ON DERANGED POLITICO GOES BONKES if you haven't had your fill of the call of the wild. Personally, we would have loved to see Al Gore's face (how do you feel about your endorsement now, Al?). At least Carol Mosely Braun has a consulting contract from the Dean crowd ($20,000 a month contract given to Braun the day after she dropped out of the race.....hmmmmmm, looks almost as bad as Dean's face as he melted down before our eyes).

The very worst part of it is that after the Strangled Muppet act, we were almost (almost) happy to see Dubbya do his State of the Nation (on Steroids apparently) Act. Now that is scary!!

ITS ALL ABOUT THE HAIR

The only people surprised at John Kerry's win in Iowa are those that haven't recently consulted "Hair: A Key Indicator in Presidential Political Success".

As TT readers know, this insightful analysis was the work of noted political analyst and pundit, T. Toppe.

Anyone looking at Howard Dean's hair just had to know that when push comes to shove, he doesn't have what it takes to play in the big leagues. John Kerry, on the other hand, is the poster boy for "Hair: A Key Indicator in Presidential Political Success". Think Kennedy, Clinton, Reagan and even George Dubbya (Al never stood a chance with that unpresidential hair).

Poor Dick G. was never going to go anywhere with that Trent Lott look and as for Joe Lieberman and (gasp) Denis Kucinich and (double gasp) Al Sharpton, they could have saved themselves a lot of time and money by just re-reading "Hair". Clearly, Queer Eye Guys are never going to run out of 'makeover fodder'.

Edwards has charisma and passable hair. Clark may be able to overcome his 'bowl on the head' look with other qualities but for Iowa, T. Toppe always said it would be a Kerry romp.

TT readers may recall the $150 Kerry haircut (thats $100 less than Bill Clinton paid the same guy to cut his hair while sitting on the tarmac at LAX while US air traffic came to a grinding halt for those Presidential follicles).

Dean should have known he was in big trouble when Al Gore and Carol Mosely Braun threw their two 'votes' his way - take a look at those losing heads of hair! One key axiom of the Hair analysis is that if a candidate does not himself/herself (think Hillary) possess an incredible mane of luxurious hair, he/she MUST have key supporters who do.

So, whatever the twists and turns of the endless caucuses and primaries. Keep your eyes on the hair.
TT readers who have not read enough about John K.'s hairCAN CLICK HERE ON KERRY'S MAGNIFICENT MANE and wallow in a bit more.





NOTE: TT periodically reads the comments and questions of readers when sent to our dedicated email address, rootvegies@aol.com. But, don't count on it, we are going to be very busy getting hair extensions (much preferred to David Guest's hair plugs or Silvio Berlusconi's cosmetic surgery).

ENVIRONMENTAL APOCOLYPSE IGNORED

So, George Dubbya wants to go to the "moon, mars and beyond". Gosh, is THAT where the weapons of mass destruction have been squirreled away? Or, is this just Dubbya trying to do a "vision thing"???

Well, whatever. It's just fine with us, but hey why wait until 2012? Let's fire off 'NeoCon I' right away. Cheney, Ashcroft, Wolfowitz, Perel, Rumsfeld et al could be suited up and dispatched toot sweet!

Of course, we are a little unclear what or where "beyond" is. Would that be beyond North Korea and Iran? Beyond the Iowa caucuses? We would like a little clarification here.

So, while Dubbya does a "vision thing", the Democratic candidates sharpen their talons on each other.

Monday is the first of 5,874,291,002,917 steps to the Presidency and it all starts (or does it end?) in Iowa (just why DOES one bother to have caucuses if they aren't binding and don't mean anything? and, just where IS Iowa ???.....). We think the Americans are right to delay direct elections in Iraq - Iraqis are just not ready for the Basra caucuses we think!!

Frankly, between Dubbya and the Starship Entrepreneur and the Democratic Dodge-Em Car Spectacular, TT fears that one of the BIG issues of our times and one that keeps us awake at nights, is just not getting dealt with.

Enough with Iraq. We already know its a Quaqmire (unless of course it isn't a quagmire) Enough with the Space Cadet stuff (unless Dubbya can PROMISE Ashcroft et al can be sent within the month). Someone needs to deal with the "Overwhelming Economic Ecological Threat" posed by GIANT ASIAN CARP. And Enquiring Minds want to know where everyone stands on this issue!!!

We kid you not. This is seriously scary stuff. Ask Mary Poplett. (She can't help her name). While jet skiing, a HUGE Asian carp lunged out of the water and knocked her unconscious.

These babies are HUGE. They can weigh more than 100 pounds, are attacking people (the sound of marine motors can provoke them into juming up to 9 feet out of the water!), have infested huge areas of the Mississippi, Missouri and Illinois Rivers ----They are now closing in on Chicago. DUM DUM, DUM DUM...........

The monsters were originally brought to America from China some 30 years ago to try and control algae in catfish farms. Now these monsters are about to take Chicago and then....well, who knows?

Chicago is hoping to fend them off with underwater electrical barriers but we want to know where the Democratic candidates stand on this issue. No one should be allowed to leave Iowa without going on the record.

And, as for Dubby, we know he must be busy focusing on 'the vision thing' but at least maybe he could get John Ashcroft to declare these suckers 'enemy combatants' and ship them to Guantanamo.

TT readers can read more about the 'overwhelming economic ecological threat' these mini weapons of mass destruction can cause byCLICKING ON GIANT HUGE SCARY FISH.

TRINKETS AND TRASH

As the Democratic candidates jostle, kick and scratch (each other)-- for the right to jostle, kick and scratch George Dubbya, TT decided to check out the campaign merchandise to see if we can glean any political insights.

Campaign merchandise, also known as "stuff", "junk",and "trinkets and trash", is a way, highly paid consultants tell us, of getting the candidate's name out there - often, and on ANYTHING. Apparently having your name plastered all over a baseball cap or fleece of dubious quality can enhance your chances with the voters.

We checked out DemStore.com, the official vendor for the Democratic candidates.

TT found the Carol Mosely Braun campaign buttons are still available at their original asking price (.75 each for orders of 25 to 100). What, no discounts?

We are not sure when 'dead meat' becomes a priceless political antiquity but it would seem that the distinction is harder to draw than we would have thought.

Speculators can pick up the entrie Howard Dean campaign button collection. Our particular favourites are 'Children for Howard Dean' (clearly a hit with the day-care centre crowd and voters-in-waiting), 'Pacitific Islands for Dean' (would that be Tahiti? Bali?) and ' Unemployed for Dean' (we note there are no discounts offered for this significant voting block).

Candidates can have their names emblazoned on everything from flashlights (appropriately, TT thinks, no batteries are provided), removable bumper banner holders (the key word here is, of course, 'removable' - hope Ms Braun and others opted for those) or survival gear from the US navy seal store (Lieberman may want to snap some of this stuff up - at least one pundit has compared him to Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense, he is dead but just doesn't know it yet!).

Sometimes, when the rhetoric gets cranked up and positions morph, TT has trouble distinguishing Democrats from Republicans but a quick glance at the Republican shopping equivalent, georgewbushstore.com (gosh, that's original), gives us a clear line of distinction. Just look at the difference in "stuff" and the prices.

No $1 campaign buttons here. You can pick up sterling silver (no silver plate in sight) "W" cufflinks for a mere $68 or for $89 you can pick up a " W '04" belt buckle....we just have to believe anyone who spends $89 on a belt buckle at this shopping emporium has probably already made up their mind as to how they plan to vote! So now we know for a fact that Republicans are more affluent than Democrats and Republicans don't expect to get many votes from the unemployed or children - or those that think $85 cowboy hats to be passe.

DemStore.com is not only selling "stuff" for the current crop of candidates (in a clearly egalitarian statement, all stuff is priced the same so a Carol Mosely Brown button is the same price as a "Children for Dean" button.....at least for now) but has a category of collectibles from the 'beautiful losers' of the past.

We specially like the Gore/ Lieberman "stuff" which appears to still be very very available. You can still pick up stuff from the Jewish Outreach Merchandise (one of our favourites) of the Gore/Lieberman campaign. We wonder if anyone from the Dean campaign has explored the possibility of blacking out the Lieberman on the Hebrew T-Shirt??? Anyone, that is, other than Al Gore.

TT readers can CLICK HERE AND pick up some of these tastefull buttons and T-shirts, "while supplies last"....hello????.

TT is thinking seriously about picking up some of the custom yard signs with frames which are "stiff yet springy to resist bending"....perfect for any of the candidates we think.

DREAMWEAVERS

As TT readers know, TT is very cutting edge. Always on top of the latest and newest.

We are particularly excited about our latest find - the Dream Workshop (Yumemi Kobo as we call it in Japanese!), the latest product from Takara, the huge Japanese toymaker (although Yumemi Kobo is definitely NOT a toy).

Just last month, Takara unveiled its latest product, a gadget that will enable people to turn their daydreams into realistic night dreams. Think about it. The ability to programme your dreams to your own specifications. No longer will the prince turn into a frog, no longer will the slipper fit some other, less deserving wench and no longer will some rich muscle bound he-man abscond with the sulty, nubile nymphette . No longer will......well, you get the picture.

All you have to do, according to Takara dreamweavers, is stare at a photograph of what you would like to dream about and then record, in your own words, how the dream is supposed to unfold.

Once you have gone sleepy-bye bye, the gadget does its stuff. It combines your voice recording, lights, aromas (we think you wanna be careful with this one), and music to stimulate you whenever the gadget picks up Rapid Eye Movement (a sign that someone is dreaming) and actually directs your dream according to your script.

TT is already producing a series of dreams which we find particularly appealing (we ALWAYS get the Prince) and rumour has it that Howard Dean has purchased enough of the gizmos to distribute to all his opponents in the race to be the Democratic candidate for President of the US.

All this will sell (the gadget isnt actually going to be available in shops until the Spring) for under $200, which is a good deal less than any of the Democratic candidates are spending on their quest for glory.

Of course, the Takara honchos are cagey and already hedging their bets. Spokespeople have already said that they cannot absolutely guarantee total satisfaction (we will be very displeased if the frog stays a frog and will definitely want a refund).

But TT thinks $200 for the possibility of perfectly choreographed dreams (with the right endings) seems pretty cheap to us.

Some have been dubious about the claims but TT has checked into Takara's other "life toys" and has found them to have a solid track record. Takara are the very same people who brought us BowLingual.

For the less well informed Bowlingual is a device that translates the barks, whines, yelps and growls of more than 80 breeds of dog into human language. Needless to say, the yelp of a Labrador and the yelp of a Cocker Spaniel are totally different in meaning - no matter how similar you might think they sound. (We think this is a great device - who can possibly challenge whether or not it is actually correct or not?)

Some silly dog owners think they already understand what their dog is telling them - as if growling, snarling and drooling doesn't have a thousand possible meanings!!

MeowLingual, another Takara product, performs a similar function for...surprise surprise....cat owners!!!

Lest TT reader's think we are pulling your leg, we would just like to highlight the fact that Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi of Japan presented Vladimir Putin with one of each of the BowLingual gadgets during a state visit in May. Either Putin is an animal lover or there was some assumption on the part of the Japanese premier that languages other than Russian are similar to doggie barks and kitty meows.

We understand thatCarol Mosely Braun accidentally got a BowLingual from Dean instead of the Dream Workshop but maybe that's cause her campaign was a dog's breakfast.

There isnt much info yet on the Yumemi Kobo but TT readers can certainly "bone up" on the BowLingual dog translator byCLICKING HERE ON "SPARKY SPEAKS".

As for TT, we have a hot date with a smart, charming, funny, and hopelessly wealthy Prince to choreograph...........



NOTE: TT readers can always address their comments into a black hole at rootvegies@aol.com. We are likely to be very busy orchestrating our dreams so don't hold your breath for a speedy reply!

ELDERLY CHINESE RESTAURANTEURS - A CLEAR AND PRESENT DANGER

Even in a Post-New- Year- Mellow, TT is not one to shy away from the tough decisions.

Would we rather eat a beefburger or take BA Flight 223 from Heathrow to Washington's Dulles airport (that is if Flight 223 isn't retired like some athlete's jersey and reincarnated, half an hour later as Flight 446)?

By all accounts, we have at least four Air France-Los Angeles flights canceled, an Air France flight diverted to Newfoundland,two AeroMexico flights either turned back or cancelled, a BA flight cordoned off on arrival (with jet fighter escort) in Washington and 'suspicious' passengers questioned before all passengers and baggage were eventually released....

We have "numerous" flights being "escorted" to their destination airports in the US by F-16 fighter jets. Right.....

"Escort" makes it sound almost friendly!

But we all know that about the only reason for such an "escort" is to shoot the plane out of the sky - if someone deems it necessary. Having a fighter jet "escort" my flight to an airport would not figure in TTs list of anxiety lowering experiences!

What on earth is going on? ? Is there some kind of run on frequent flyer points for "suspicious" persons?

So far, the " intelligence" that led to the original Air France cancellations has netted a dozen names of passengers which were "apparently" " similar" to those on a US government terrorist watch list. APPARENTLY? Well, were they or weren't they on a watch list?

SIMILAR? Does that mean they started with the same letter? Surely we aren't cancelling flights and calling out the F-16s for SIMILAR???? (The FBI have now acknowledged that errors were made with the Air France flights due to spelling and similarities between Arabic names!! Huh??? We think this is important enough to get it RIGHT the first time!)

Presumably, spelling errors notwithstanding, the French and other authorities have a copy of this terrorist watch list and even the French surely would have picked up these passengers names in a simple cross check, wouldn't they? Or is this some sort of secret terrorist watch list that only the Americans are allowed access ?? At least the French seem to be able to spell. Hmmmm.

Of course now we know that one of the seven "suspicious" people was an elderly Chinese woman restraunteur another, an infant whose name SOUNDED like the name of someone on the famous terrorist watch list and a third was a Welsh insurance agent. But hey, terrorists are getting younger and younger and who is to say that there is no such thing as an ancient wizened terrorist. As for those Welsh insurance agents, well we think ALL insurance agents are suspect!

Curious though how not one person has even been detained, not one weapon found, not one suspicious piece of cargo or luggage retrieved from any of these flights........

We are as concerned as the next person about our safety in the air but TT cannot help but be just a teeny bit suspicious about all this "intelligence" which seems to be coming from the same sources that nailed down those mega piles of WMDs in Iraq, missed the Sept 11 terror attack, cannot find Osama and took eight months to find Saddam etc etc etc. Forgive us for being monumentally uderwhelmed and unimpressed.

Apparantly, when it comes to the beleagured Flight 223 (BA London to Dulles) and its sister Flight 224(BA Dulles-London , also cancelled two days running), the "chatterers" have been explicit about the airline and flight numbers. Hmmmm.

But, could someone tell us how US intelligence can be so sure that the British Airways Flight references aren't code for Virgin (another British airline) Flight 332 or 323 or 322 or........ the possibilities are endless we think!

Is the problem the airline?then any flight is suspect, surely.

Is the problem the flight number? (223 is the number of a 1997 UN resolution attacking the Israeli treatment of Palestinians in the Occupied Territories). Then surely all UN resolutions attacking Isreali treatment of Palestinians need to be matched against flight numbers?

Is the problem the destination? Then why arent all BA flights to Washinton being halted? (Two other flights have been making the trek daily and other airlines are flying out of Heathrow to Washington).

Is the problem the passengers? Then how come they are all being popped on to other flights??

And, what if this is all deliberate misinformation (yes, shock shock - not impossible, we say). Cancelled Flights, Cordonoed off planes with passangers interrogated for hours before release, planes diverted due to possible bomb on board, fighter jets "escorting" their 'prey' to base, armed sky marshals........isn't going to do a lot for the travel industry or wary travellers. Who needs it???

After pondering the big question, a beefburger or hop on a jet??? The answer is a no-brainer - we will catch a flight ------and grab a burger before departing. !!!

For TT readers who are so mellow they have missed the various travails of the terrorist threat in the skies you canCLICK HERE ON BBC NEWS AND BRING YOURSELVES UP TO DATE.