Turnip Top's crackerjack analysts are still sifting through the reaction to "Dubbya's" State of the Galaxy Address (mmmmmm, is that Chassagne Montrachet????)

Little surprising in the reactions, we find (ooooooh, this Brie is just "au point"). Some found elements of the remarks "scary" but Turnip Top is compelled to disagree. What is really scary is the knowledge that had some nefarious foreign power (this foie gras is divine) managed to blow up the entire building, John Ashcroft would now be President (well, perhaps just a splash more....what year did you say this was?)

Turnip Top is fascinated by the degree to which the reactions, almost without exeption, reflected and solidified previously held views. The French (hmmm, this baguette goes so well with the Brie) continue to press for further pursuit of so-called diplomatic options. Now, TT thinks this is worth considering (yum, what oil are you using for those "frites"??).

France has, of course, a sterling reputation in the area of international diplomatic leadership (TT likes to think of it as the Chanel Strategy)

Just look at the recent success the French have had in brokering an end to the civil war in the Ivory Coast......

Now, TT acknowledges that there have been a few glitches...people killed in rioting, churches and mosques burned. But TT is convinced that once the Chanel Strategy is fully played out, the French will be vindicated (this creme brulee is scrumptious!!).

Dubbya stated that post-invasion, America would bring food and medicines to the Iraqi people but PULEEEEZE.Would you rather be airlifted emergency rations of cassoulet and a good Vogne Romanee OR Dorittos and Tang??? Would you rather get an airlift of thin woolen blankets OR a chic Chanel jacket? TT thinks its a no-brainer.

The CIA should stop wasting its time emailing Iraqi generals, encouraging them to defy and revold. Yawn. TT says ....send in the Chanel suits, foie gras and fresh baguettes and just watch diplomacy work.

Martha, Martha, Martha...........

As a certain former US President would say, "...well, there you go again...".

Just as Martha (I Want to Focus on My Salad) Stewart had succeeded in slithering (TT believes in using verb appropriate language at all times) down the TTSAAI (Turnip Top Sleeze And Annoyance Index) she sticks her head above the parapet.

The TTSAAI (Turnip Top Sleeze And Annoyance Index) is considered by most sleeze and annoyance experts to be the definitive source on tracking the status of sleeze and annoyance globally. TT cannot, of course , give away trade secrets, but suffice it to say that those who claim that the Index is merely a random, unscientific recitation of TT's prejudices of the moment are WRONG WRONG WRONG.

The TTSAAI is compiled through use of the most advanced technology and scientifically rigourous methodology! Indeed, TT has been consulted by the
"brains" behind the Pentagon's multimillion $ Total Information Awareness Program. Enough said, except that the Index is maintained and disseminated at a fraction of the cost (unnumbered swiss bank account number available to potential subscribers!)

But back to Martha.

For some inexplicable reason, just as Martha's AQ (Annoyance Quotient) was receeding, she has seen fit to whinge publicly to the New Yorker magazine about her "troubles". There are any number of things that could have halted Martha (I Want to Focus on My Salad) Stewart's slither down the TTSAAI.

It could have been her expectation of sympathy for having lost more than $400 million because of Her Troubles.

It could also have been her rant against the New York Post, not for biased reporting but for printing "unflattering" photos of her which "are more damaging than anything written or said" about her. Huh???? Now, TT firmly believes that even felons or possible felons have the right to have only the most flattering of phots used in connection with stories about their greed or other misdeeds. However, hard to imagine how those phots could really be worse than some of the things TT has seen written about her.

Yes, there are MANY reasons why Martha may have wandered back across the TTSAAI radar screen. But, without disclosing trade secrets, TT can tell you its all about the chinese chopsticks!!

Seems that during the New Yorker interview with Jeffery Toobin, Ms I Want to Focus on My Salad and Mr Toobin paused for lunch...of the Chinese variety. Seems that Ms. IWTFOMS, convinced that Toobin was some sort of uneducated boor, informed him that in China, ones social status is directly linked to the width of ones chopsticks. The thinner the chopstick the higher the social status. MS IWTFOMS then proceed to advise Mr Toobin they were about to use the skinniest, thinnest chopsticks possible.

YIKES. It ALMOST makes TT wistful for J Low and Ben Affliction.

While France and Germany announce loudly that they are not, at this time, ready to back a US invasion of Iraq (shock!!!!shock!!), the New York Post pulls out its "war typeface" to proclaim them the "Axis of Weasles".

The headline provided the stimulus for a moment of blinding insight for TT (a rare and noteworthy event). There is in fact one compelling reason for the US to invade, with or without a coalition of the coerced and cajoled ....to annoy the French (and if it annoys the Germans too, thats an added bonus, the invention of sauerkraut surely merits annoyance at a bare minimum!)

TT cannot understand how a country that produces great bread, yummy perfumes , and some pretty delicious wines can make TT want to go right when France says left. TT thinks its the arrogance factor, as the French push and shove with the Americans to become undisputed King of Arrogance.

At least TT takes some comfort in the fact that the US is going to release definitive proof of Saddam's transgressions. TT has it from highly reliable but secret sources that the Raelians and Cloneaid have been retained by the Pentagon to provide the documented proof necessary to rally support. TT thinks thats a good idea. Their documentation of the cloning claims clearly makes them the perfect group to give the Axis of Weasles and others the proof they are seeking. TT awaits the report eagerly.....

Turnip Top has decided to give TT a rest from Iraq and North Korea (TT was reminded recently of the North American Indian saying, "if we don't turn around, we may just get where we are going." TT wonders if anyone has reminded W et al.) and turn her perplexion (Turnip Topism) to the music industry.

With CD sales in percipitous decline (a major music retailer filed for bankruptcy yesterday), the music industry seems hell bent on that very successful business model....sue your customer....assuring their own demise.

Now TT is not one of those who shamelessly download hundreds of songs, for free, and illegally from the Internet. Any suggestions that this is due more to technical incompetence than ethical considerations, is deeply offensive. Doesn't matter if its accurate or not.

With an estimated 2.6 billion files illegally downloaded a month....that's a lot of music and a lot of customers. Suing them all should keep the lawyers income steady though.

The Music industry is crowing over its recent court victory which will require Verizon to disclose the name of a customer who reportedly downloaded 600 songs in a single day (sounds like a lot but takes no time at all) so they can go after this music lover. TT thinks it a hollow victory.

They managed to kill off Napster but that was quickly replaced by KaZaA and other file trading programmes. These guys just dont seem to get it. The technology genie is out of the bottle. Instead of hastening their own demise by suing their customers, TT thinks they ought to take a look at the porn industry (although TT would only do so, like Pete Townshend, for "research purposes"). Plagued by similar problems, they may not have found the perfect solution, but are moving closer to finding a business model that works...they still seem to care about the consumer. The point being, of course, the music industry needs to figure out how to live with the KaZaAs and Napsters and not kill its customers (and itself) off.

Hmmmmm.

George Dubbya declares himself "tired of the games" and that "time is running out". Turnip Top is a little unclear which games are being referred to and for whom time is running out. TT is often unclear.

US Intelligence (one of TTs favourite oxymorons) is adament that Iraq has been amassing weapons of mass destruction (arent guns weapons of mass destruction, given the number of americans who die every year from gunshot wounds?). Of course, this is the same group of "smarties" who told us Syria was the mastermind behind the Lockerbie tragedy, only to have it revealed a decade later that actually it was Libya. Oh well, it was one of those bad guys.

These are the same people who managed to target the Chinese Embassy for bombing in Kosovo (ooooops, old map) and bomb a UN sponsored pharmaceutical factory in the Sudan (ooooops, sorry). TT can perhaps be forgiven for wanting to see a little more substantiation before a Coalition of the Willing (Coerced or Cajoled) propels the world into a war with unpredictable (and predictable) consequences. By TTs count, the Coaliton of the Willing (Coerced or Cajoled) can hold its meetings in TT's kitchen.

Now, UN inspectors have discovered 11 empty chemical warheads(Isn't "empty" better news than the alternative?) and inspectors roam through the homes of scientists seeking the "smoking guns" . US Intelligence apparently know where they are but aren't going to share the information. TT agrees, let the inspectors earn their salaries.

Meanwhile, there is NO crisis with the guy who HAS nuclear weapons, sells weaponry to anyone with hard currency, tosses out the UN inspectors, restarts the production of plutonium and pulls out of the Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty. Clearly this poses an enormous threat to the free trade of platform shoes, Brylcream and gaudy leisure suits. But TT learned long ago that things are rarely black and white. TT cannot help but wonder whether anyone who sports such cool "shades", watches Daffy Duck cartoons, has "joy brigades" to ease the stress of key officials (Clinton had his own "joy brigade" didn't he?) and will agree to "negotiations" in New Mexico (the new epicentre of global diplomacy), be all bad??? That must be why there is no "crisis" with Pyongyang.

Now just what "games" is George Dubbya "tired" of?? TT, for once, has no answers.

Well, Turnip Top has certainly opened Pandora' s Boxes (Pandora's Box has also apparently been cloned by the Raelains), along with Eve and Eve the Dutch Lesbian.-

Turnip Top readers (a thoughtful but not fully employed group) seem to be very quick to dismiss the Raelian- founded clonaid claims to have cloned TWO recently born infants.

Now, TT admits that it may well be the media coverage ,and not infants ,who have been cloned. But would the Washington Post feature Dr French Femme Fatale (Dr FFF) on the front page if this were just a hoax and a scam?

Dr FFF's assertions deserve serious consideration. Here is a multi-coloured haired woman who stands up for what she and the Raelains believe. Should support for group sex be sufficient grounds to ignore the monumental nature of their scientific breakthrough? Surely it can be argued that this transparency adds cedibility.

Should a failed UFO theme park lead one to deem their claims with suspicion? Would Connie Chung, in a prime time CNN interview, address Rael (who met the aliens for six days of learning on their spaceship) as "your excellency", if this were just some flake? Turnip Top thinks not.

Now, TT DOES think that cloning raises large moral and ethical questions that deserve to be thoroughly discussed. In the interests of full disclosure, TT thinks cloning is a great thing, assuming it is "appropriately regulated and responsibly used" (this wording will be pretty familiar to some TT readers). So, what constitutes "appropriate regulation"??? Well, putting TT in charge of cloning is the obvious answer. Authority vested in TT should be total and the right of appeal non-existant.

As for responsible use of cloning, TT thinks this is best demonstrated by example. TT would NEVER permit the cloning of hurricane proof hair (eg Trent Lott, Dick Gephart...see, TT is totally non-partisan). Nor would TT ever permit the cloning of J-Low, Ben Affliction or Kim Jong II (although TT would be pretty tempted by those cool leisure suits and some consideration would be given to cloning his hairdresser).

TT would unhesitatingly approve the cloning of Turnip Top.

TT will continue to monitor the nuance of this story as it develops (there ARE six more clones awaiting birth!!!!). In the interim, TT is exploring the possibility of being named ambassador for Earth to the aliens. Sound far fetched??? Well, the Raelians have had as a central purpose the establishment of such an embassy. All it will take is US 20 million (donations, curiously, can be made through their webite) and though the Israelis have failed to respond to repeated requests to locate the embassy near Jerusalem, plans for the embassy are well advanced. The specific, which were detailed by the aliens themselve, include a seven bedroom, seven bathroom residence equipped with roof terrace that can accommodate the landing of spacecraft, and an olympic size pool. TT likes the sounds of this and since SOMEONE is going to have to be ambassador, why not TT???

The announcement that the first human clone had been born was just not enough to drag TT away from holiday festivities (pass the cranberry sauce please).

However, the announcement that a SECOND human clone, a Dutch lesbian (Dutch lesbians would certainly be hight on TTs cloning list) has been born was definitely enough to pry the drumstick from TTs sticky fingers.

The massive mainstream media attention certainly didnt surprise TT. But now we detect signs that mainstream media may be questioning the veracity of the claims.

Could it be the credibility of Dr French Femme Fatale (Dr FFF)? Yes, she looks like she ought to be coiffing hair or providing manicures but TT doesnt think a book should be judged by its cover.

Maybe its the fact that Raelians believe that all human life (and all religions) were created by etraterrestrails that has raised some doubts. TT doesnt understand that. TT sees proof of alien existence on a daily basis. TT works and socializes with many who clearly qualify as aliens (names can be provided for TT readers who cannot fill in the blanks for themselves.....).

Now, IF it were a scam, would there be a picture on the Raelian website of the spaceship in which Rael (who shrewdly changed his name from Vorhilon after his meeting with an alien) met with an alien? We dont think so.

IF it were a scam would there be a picture of the alien (four feet tall, black hair and almond eyes) on their website? We dont think so.

IF it were a scam, would the alien have chosen France in which to land his spaceship. No, says TT. Clearly this is evidence of a being of exceptional gastronomical savvy and fashion sense.

IF it were a scam, would there be books for sale?? (Yes to Human Cloning sounds like a winner to us)

No, TT thinks this all deserves a fair hearing. Let the facts be the determining factor as to whether or not there is merit to these claims!