FARMING MENACE IDENTIFIED

YIKES!!

Not only do we have to worry about colour coded terror alerts (are we on orange or yellow?? what's the difference?), performing aerial gymnastics to get through airport security in the US and armed pilots and air marshals equipped with WMDs, but now we have to worry about what we are reading!!

The FBI is warning law enforcement officials to be alert for people carrying Almanacs. Huh???

Yes, it would seem the the Old Farmers Almanac is now considered to be indicative of possible nefarious intentions - particularly when coupled with 'suspicious' behaviour. Surely suspicious behaviour should be enough?? Wires sticking out of your shoes is usually a reasonable sign that someone is up to no good.

Officials concede that having an almanac in your possession MAY be innocent and nothing more than checking out the history of weather in Bloomfield, Vermont from 1994 to today. BUT, the FBI warns us that information found in Almanacs could be useful for terrorists.....

OK, we are convinced. We shall only consult our Almanac in the privacy of our own home and if we cannot check when California's first freeway opened (1940) when the mood strikes us - so be it.

We feel a lot safer knowing that law enforcement and home security wizards are on the prowl for those walking around with almanacs. Hope they are checking bookstore sales for names of all those suspicious farmers who buy the the Almanac (farmers are known to have easy access to chemicals!).

For TT readers who do not wish to risk being apprehended clutching an AlmanacCLICK HERE AND CONSULT THE OLD FARMERS ALMANAC HOME PAGE TO YOUR HEART'S CONTENT--of course, chances are your "tracks" on the internet are being monitored so you may want to use someone else's computer!!!



NOTE: TT occasionally reads reader comments/suggestions/reactions sent to rootvegies@aol.com. We also just as frequently ignore them.

MESSAGES FROM MARS HOLD WORLD CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

Scientists (at least the European ones) have been wringing their hands in anxiety, waiting to hear some form of communication from Beagle 2 - the European Mars Express orbiter.

Frankly, TT doesn't know what all the fuss is about.

Everyone knows that the French are direct descendants of Martians and a large number of them still inhabit the Red Planet.

Clearly the scientists who have failed to detect signals from the tiny spacecraft are not listening. We can hear the sounds just fine!!

Of course, some folks have been misled by scientists thinking that these Martian sounds would in some way be unique and therefore obvious. Not at all!! Hence the problem.

Martian sound signals are indistinguisable from the sounds of;

* american smirks as the Beagle 2 flounders in its attempt at one upmanship (or at least one equivalency);

* audience sniggers at a showing of Gigli (pronounced "DUMB");

* Lord Black (Conrad to those of us who knew him when) toppling from his self-constructed glass pedestal;

* TV remote controls switching 'off' as Michael Jackson(looking more like Joan Crawford than Joan Crawford!) professes he would rather slit his wrists than harm a child (does any pedophile think they are harming a child???);

* Al Gore removing the stilletto from Joe Lieberman's back (Howard Dean may come to wish Gore had given him the back-stab!);

and so on, and so on and so on.

So, TT readers can be forgiven if they have failed to hone in on those 'special sounds from the Red Planet'. Turns out they aren't so special after all.........

CLICK HERE FOR ALL THE LATEST NEWS ON THE MARS EXPRESS BEAGLE 2 (what DID happen to BEAGLE 1?)

PARFUM DE WHOPPER AVEC FROMAGE

TT is always quick to pick up on a trend.

According to that cutting edge publication, Time Magazine, food inspired perfumes (a/k/a Gourmet perfumes) are all the rage.

Time notes that a new Cartier fragrance is laced with a 'soupcon' of chocolate and caramel and a new Jean Patou perfume has several 'soupcons' of black current bud, green banana and pear. Hmm. No chocolate sauce and nuts? Frankly, we are a bit dubious about the attractiveness of smelling like a green banana (do they smell a lot different from the ripe banana we ask ourselves?).

We do see merit in the basic concept though. We salivate at the thought of "Eau de Krispy Kreme" or a splash of "Parfum de Big Whopper avec Fromage" although we wonder if others will find it quite so mesmerizing.

TT likes the idea but is less certain about how those green bananas are going to smell after they have been worn for a while.......

TT readers canCLICK HERE AND READ ABOUT THE NEW GOURMET FRAGRANCE TREND. As for TT, we are going to roll around in some Ben and Jerry's chocolate chocolate cookies and cream and see what it reels in.........

QUEER EYE FOR A BAD GUY

Well, they got Saddam - and may we just say, we don't think he was looking his best!

Of course, it is pretty hard to keep up the sartorial splendour when you are scrunched into a 'spiderhole' but really-- that HAIR!!

There is much speculation as to where he is now being held in captivity, whether the $750,000 he had was funding for insurgency activities and what intense questioning might elicit from him.

TT of course has the REAL scoop.

Saddam is the ultimate make-over challenge for the Fab Five - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. In case you have been lounging on an ice flow in Antarctica - or the cultural equivalent, Canada - Queer Eye is an American 'reality' show in which five gay guys take an aesthetically challenged straight guy and turn him into a poster boy for GQ.

As we speak, the Fab Five are being deployed to attack their most significant challenge to date. Can there be any doubt that this man needs help from the Fab Five? Indeed, we understand a team from Extreme Makeover (another 'reality' makeover programme only one that includes SURGICAL solutions) is on stand-by. Anyone who saw those pictures cannot question the veracity of these reports. And, they come from those same impeccable sources that vouched for the WMDs in Iraq!!

(Oh those pictures,did we REALLY need to see them checking for lice, the underside of his tongue etc etc, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN? Curious how the Americans could consider the mere photographing of US prisioners as 'humiliating' (to us they looked scared and dazed but not humiliated) and a violation of the Geneva Convention. But apparently it's ok to show those ghastly pictures of the search for lice etc because he is evil. We hadn't realized there was a Geneva Convention for Good Guys and another one for Bad Guys - now we know).

The $750,000 is clearly inadequate for funding an insurgency - once he gets through with the botox, collagen and other clearly essential make-over treatments (perhaps a white chocolate Godiva body wrap?), we doubt there will be enough to fund much of anything except perhaps thinning out those eyebrows. This man need derma-planing, a chemical peel and a first rate toner and hair cut before anything else!!

So now they have him (clutching a WMD). So why didn't he use that WMD (TT considers a gun a WMD) on himself? Cowardice? Maybe. Although, aren't the suicide bombers cowards for killing themselves as a means of killing others? Or, maybe this wiley and devious old fox understands very well that being captured alive will cause the Americans (oops, we mean coalition) a lot of grief and, if tried, will provide a world stage from which SH can "spin" to the world. Will be interesting when they wheel all those WMD's into the court room.

Jubilation about the capture notwithstanding, TT suspects there is more than one person in the Administration that wishes those soldiers had just dropped a grenade into the "spiderhole" before the Unibomber Look A Like emerged. In the meantime, Queer Eye and Extreme Makeover are gearing up for the Challenge of a Life Time and the mother of all reality tv specials. TT readers can dismiss those rumours that he has been spirited away to Qaatar, or the Baghdad airport of Cuba - Think Canyon Ranch or Golden Door Spa!!

In the unlikely case that TT readers missed those pre- MakeOver picturesCLICK HERE ALTHOUGH IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE GENEVA CONVENTION WE WILL NOT LINK YOU TO THE EXPLORATION FOR LICE.



NOTE: TT readers with MakeOver tips can forward them to us at rootvegies@aol.com and we will in turn forward them the the Queer Eye Team who are feverishly conferring on the monumental challenge they face.

DOESN'T EVERYONE HAVE A GOLDEN SHOWER CURTAIN?

TT has been busy compiling our "List of Fabulous Gifts We Wish to Be Showered With" this Holiday Season" (only because readers have been begging us for it, of course!).

We have not been so busy, however, that we haven't had an eye on Porky Kozlowski's larceny trial in NYC.

Kozlowski, who has already been found guilty of monumental bad taste (think $6000 golden shower curtain) is on trial with Porky Jr. for having looted and plundered Tyco of some $600 million (you can still get quite a few golden shower curtains for that kind of dough).

We have learnt that he was "reimbursed" by Tyco for a "bad" investment he made in a restaurant in So Ho, an investment he made apparently based on the fact that a waiter at the restaurant got good publicity for Tyco. Huh?? We had no idea we should have been getting our investment advice from waiters at the restaurants we patronize. Nor did we realize that we could be reimbursed by Tyco for all those bad investment decisions we have made. Sure wish we had known both those things a few years ago!!

Now it would seem the court is looking to find the decorator who did up the modest $18 million Upper East Side Versailles in which the famous golden shower curtain is/was hanging. Presumably the court is not looking for her to re-do the courtroom!!

Said decorator has apparently been eluding prosecutors who want to get her into court about the Shower Curtain (and other purchases). Prosecutors should not be too surprised that they have had trouble finding the lady concerned - the name of her firm IS "Seldom Scene". Could we make this up?????

Frankly, if we had purchased a $6000 golden shower curtain, a $2200 gold plated wastebasket (gold plate? how tacky!), a $6300 sewing basket (we are SURE that Kozlowski is an excellent seamstress and this purchase makes great practical sense), or a $15000 dog-shaped umbrella (TT prefers the cheaper cat shaped umbrellas at $2500), we too would make ourselves scarce!!!

TT readers can catch up on the latest details about the mysterious decorator (we understand she is available for decorating assignments), you have onlyTO CLICK HERE ON GOLDEN SHOWER CURTAIN.