HOLD THE MILK PLEASE...PLEASE!!!!!

YIKES!!

Just as TT sits down to enjoy a tasty(cholesterol laden) English breakfast and troll the newspaper for important (or unimportant) news, we were confronted with the news to end all breakfasts - Fast!

It would seem that those food-unfriendly sparks at the FDA have "tentatively" concluded that meat and milk (and presumably eggs and butter too) from cloned animals are safe to eat and (mega-yikes) would require little regulation and no labelling!!

Are we supposed to take comfort in the fact that "grossly abnormal" animals would be rejected as sources of milk or meat? We certainly feel a lot better knowing our bacon or eggs or milk can come from only SLIGHTLY abnormal clones!!! Of course the FDA admits that its conclusions are based on little data (sure, why wait for the facts!!) and would only apply to clones of 'conventional' animals (not the clones of genetically modified animals). Now, THAT is a relief!

It seems that in mid-2001 the FDA asked cloning companies to "voluntarily" keep milk and meat from clones, and the offspring of clones, off the market. EEEEEEK. Now, we don't know what confidence level TT readers have in "voluntary" agreements but TT has never seen a 'voluntary' agreement that you couldn't fly a 747 jumbo jet through.(I think I will take my coffee black today!)

The FDA will be seeking comment in the spring but TT doesnt need to wait for spring (and all those newly cloned animals).

YUK!!!! The only thing we think should be cloned is TT!

Hold the eggs, bacon, milk, butter and sausage please - just give us a bowl of organic berries (sans milk or cream of course). TT readers who missed this little nugget can CLICKon F.D.A. CALLS CLONED ANIMALS SAFE FOR FOOD!

How is TT supposed to focus on the important stuff (ice sculptures that spew vodka from anatomically correct apendages, Lacey Peterson's hair in Scott's pliars, David Gest's battle with himself.......) when the newspapers are full of this nonsense??? Bring on the Designer Liquid Libations - at least cloning that might have some appeal to TT.......

GOOD SLEAZE IS HARD TO FIND

TT is in a Deep Funk!

We quaffed copious quantities of Designer Liquid Libation but the loss of The Big Beautiful Bird (a/k/a Concorde) still leaves a hole that has been difficult to fill.

We have been mildly diverted by the spectacle of the Conservatives (of the British variety) engaged in once again devouring their young. Poisoned spears are pointed at the heart of Tory leader Ian Duncan-Smith (affectionately known as IDS) as The Plotters take chunks of flesh from his battered body and Dubbya Blair says a silent prayer for The Self Destructive Opposition that isn't. Yawn. Hard to get worked up about it.

The Irish situation unravels over lack of transparency in the decommissioning of the IRA. Yawn. Remember the IRA? They are SO yesterday's terrorists, now replaced by bigger and badder guys. Yawn.

Even the Greedy Butler, whose latest revelations managed to eclipse the heart 'episode' of a sitting Prime MInister (Dubbya Blair), has done little to revive TT from the End of Concorde Funk. Greedy (and Stupid) Butler, whose book went on sale this week, has peaked some interest with the cliff-hanger that these secrets are 'only the tip of the iceberg' but YAWN, it just hasn't been enough to get this Turnip salivating.

One of the untold secrets (great build up for the NEXT book) apparently deals with a tape recording of a palace courtier (the one who claimed to have been raped by one of Prince Charles' staff) who saw a senior member of the Royals in a gay tryst with a palace courtier (clearly there is no shortage of palace courtiers!). The buzz (if you can call it that) is that the identity of said Royal would be enough to bring down the monarchy (we can only hope!).

Frankly, unless it is Liz herself, TT would be totally unphased and unsurprised by a revelation that one of the Royal's is gay and lurking in one of the Palace's squillions of closets. If in fact it is Liz who has been caught in the amourous embrace of some lady -in-waiting, we will admit that would give us pause for some surprise. Hard to imagine Liz in the amourous embrace of ANYONE - even a Corgi!

All slim pickings for this Turnip. For those TT readers deprived of the British tabloid feeding frenzy over What the Butler Saw (or Knew)CLICK HERE ON BUTLER BURRELL ON THAT GAY RAPE TAPE.

So, in the absence of good sleeze, this Turnip will comfort themselves with a tad more of that Designer Liquid Libation and shed another tear at the Body Blow to Glamour(ya, there were a few at the sight of that Concorde pilot waving the flag!).

BIG BEAUTIFUL BIRD MOVES TO EXTINCT STATUS

TT has declared today to be a Global Day of Silence and Mourning!!

Today, an icon of style, glamour and design excellence becomes history. No, TT is not mothballing our quilled pen but we are marking the final flights of the Big Beautiful Bird with the quality and quantity of champagne it merits.

We will not join the thousands at Heathrow to watch the arrival of three Big Beautiful Birds within minutes (including the last one from New York). Rather, we will :

1)dull the pain with liquid libations of a very glamourous nature;

2) catalogue our Concorde memorabilia and place it in a time capsule which can be retrieved later and flogged on e-Bay and make us rich beyond our wildest dreams (TT is not prepared to disclose what Big Beautiful Bird paraphenalia we have squirreled away);

3) seek out suitably glamourous alternatives to help us ease the gaping glamour hole that the Concorde retirement will leave in our lives.

Did you know you can rent Aristotle Onassis's yacht, the Christina O, on which he married Jackie O and hosted Princess Grace's wedding reception? The Christina O has undergone a major refit, complete with Renoir paintings, 18 guest state rooms, an on-board Harry's Bar complete with Maria Callas gold disc and, if you aren't queesy, a ginormous swimming pool (Onasis stored live lobsters for dinner in it) with false mosaic dance floor which is raised above the water for those moments when you feel the need to trip the light fantastic!

TT thinks we will somehow be able to fill the glamour void.

Sad as we are to see the end of the Big Beautiful Bird, it is time. Standards have clearly been dropping. All those used car salesmen from Tennessee!!! Flying Concorde used to be based on so much more than the mere ability to pay....

For those TT readers who haven't been on the BBB -recentlyCLICK ON BBB -CONCORDE SST - The Definitive Concorde Aircraft Site on the Internetand observe the Global Day of Silence and Mourning. Tomorrow the world will be a slightly less glamourous place.

EYEBROWS MAY BE SOURCE OF MARITAL SPLIT

While London has to endure yet ANOTHER greedy butler (actually, the same greedy butler ) selling his wares to the tabloids, New York gets only marginally better trash .(TT knows butlers are greedy and only work for you till they get the dirt then recycle it into pots of money - we fired all our butlers ages ago.)

America gets the David and Liza show while the British tabloids knock themselves out with the ' I was a rock to Diana so now Im gonna make me some money' butler buttling. At least the days of watching some guy in a glass box starve himself (David Blane in case you have been in Lower Lapland) seem to be mercifully over.

Liza Used To Be Minnelli was probably the only person on the planet who was surprised that her marriage to David Slimy Gest imploded - and maybe even she wasn't surprised.

Now we have the inevitable lawsuit David Sleezy-Makes My Skin Crawl Gest is seeking $10 million damages from Liza Fearsome Fist Minnelli, claiming he was a victim of domestic assault. Surely the marriage itself was an assault? Dragging out all those used-to-bees like Michael Jackson, Liz Taylor and Joan Collins (not to mention the wannabe groom) surely constitutes an assault on good taste??

Poor Mr WannaBe(Rich) says Liza essentially beat him up regularly - liquor apparently giving her superhuman strength (we wonder if she turned Green and got all Ugly too? If so, she may have a second career as Hulkette !.)

Now Poor Mr WannaBeRich is on no less than 11 different medications (of course, thats likely 20 fewer than he was on before) to deal with the "unrelenting pain in his head" (it is medically proven that a grossly inflated ego can cause unrelenting pain, TT would note).

This horrible nightmare has led to a dizzying list of medical maladies: nausea (gee, think what Liza had to endure waking up to see that FACE- those EYEBROWS - in the mornings!!!), tender scalp (our scalp gets tender just thinking about anyone marrying this jerk), and our personal favourite - phonophobia (a fear of voices and telephones!!!). Hello??

TT has a strange feeling that these horrific medical injuries can be quite quickly and easily cured with a humungous amount of cash. It has been scientifically proven that cash beats Tylenol in 9 out of 10 migranes.

Gest's suit claims he has suffered neurological damage as a result of rampaging Lisa's beastial assaults but TT thinks a smart lawyer will be able to demonstrate that the wedding video is evidence enough that neurological damage (to both of them) predated the beatings.

Of course, TT readers who might want to read more about Gest's odyssey of pain can check out the in-depth analysis provided by the NEW YORK POST at PHONOPHOBIA!!

HUMPTY DUMPTY DECLARED PERSONAE NON GRATA

Is there no END to political correctness? no geographical boundaries that keep PC thinking circumscribed and away from TT? It would seem not!!

TT has quietly endured deliveries by 'postpeople' and has even caved in and been heard to refer(quietly) to ' the Chairperson'.

We have watched the' Dixie Chicking'of those in America who dared question the rationale for invading Iraq but now comes the final PC indignity!!! A PC Humpty Dumpty in Merry Olde England(yes, the same country where tourists throng to a Tower where people were entombed and had their heads chopped off in wild abandon!).

Yes folks, British retailer Mothercare, whose lines of products are pretty much what you would expect with a name like that, has excercised a little editorial discretion with one of TTs heros, Humpty Dumpty.

Concerned that it is "sometimes difficult for parents to explain the contexts of death and injury to a young child" (those not yet exposed to TV, movies, books, video games or life, presumably), Mothercare has added a verse to the venerable rhyme, on tapes and cds it sells, in which...are you ready for this...Humpty SURVIVES!!!

After the traditional, eloquent, "all the king's horses and all the king's men/couldn't put Humpty together again", the new PC verse concludes; "Humpty Dumpty counted to 10/Then Humpty Dumpty got up again." CLearly Mothercare has no concerns about Toddlers twisting themselves in knots wondering just HOW Humpty was able to do that or why the eggs THEY hurl on the ground seem impervious to reconstituting themselves!!

Good grief, says TT!

We can only assume that the pre-schooler's Guide to Reincarnation (narrated by Shirley McClaine) must be on its way to store shelves .

TT draws the line at a PC Mr Dumpty (YES, HD is male- there is no Mrs Dumpty, she was much too clever to fall off a wall in the first place!) preferring our Dumptys in a million shattered pieces - it just makes a better omlette.

PUTTING THE CASUAL BACK IN CASUALTIES

Every once in a while, George Dubbya surprises even TT!!

Tony Bush (as we have come to know him and distinguish him from Dubbya Blair), in a laser like flash, has concluded that Americans are not getting 'the truth' about what is happening in Iraquistan. Gee, we could have told him that months and months ago but better late than never we guess.

In the Wag the Dog War, it would seem that the Evil Media is acting as a "truth filter", fuzzying things up with reports of deaths, bombings, electricity shortages, kidnappings and chaos. Keeping 'The Truth' from the People.

Well, no more, says TB. He is going to bypass 'the filter' and talk directly to the people!! Gee, we had always thought the State of the Nation Address (remember yellowcake uranium?weapons of mass destruction poised to pounce) was filterless but what do we know?

We will confess that we are a bit unclear as to which truth is not quite getting through those yellowcaked filters.

A senator from Washington State (curiously a Republican) this week talked about the 'remarkable' things that America is doing in Iraq (no quarrel so far...) and proceeded to deem these remarkable deeds as a "better and more important story than a couple of soldiers a day dying". Huh?? Oh really? As NY Times columinst Maureen Dowd wrote, this puts the 'casual' back in 'casualties'.

We presume these 'remarkable' things include descriptions of happy Iraqi children greeting their liberators and which were described in articulate -beyond -their -rank letters from Iraqi-based US servicemen to their hometown newspapers. Too bad the Pentagon finally had to admit the letters were bogus (that's bogus as in made up, fraudulent, fake). But, what's a little fraud if it get's out the Unfiltered Truth? Just because these testimonials of euphoria were composed by faceless military types in the bowels of the Pentagon doesn't make them any less true does it???

If descriptions of bombings, kidnappings, sabotage, crime and electricity failures are fuzzying up the Waters of Truth, then we have the US Central Command website to perk us up. And perky certainly describes this website - No death and dismemberment here!! Just chatty little reports about soldiers hosting orphans in Mosul (no reference as to how the orphans became orphans in the first place though) and soldiers helping out with a drug immunization day (presumably those that arent killed, kidnapped or wounded need to be immunized in case they live long enough to catch some dreadful disease!).CLICK HERE AT CENTRAL COMMAND HOMEPAGEand get the full range of Truth for the Day - we dare you to try and find the day's casualty reports or indeed any evidence at all that anyone has ever been killed in Iraq since the Invasion of the Liberators.

Forgive us if we are a bit thick but could someone please explain to TT how Tony Bush's (and Dubba Blair's)Truth Management differs from that of the previous regime??


NOTE: Those who insist on sharing their views can ramble on at will at rootvegies@aol.com although they will probably be ignored by TT, as usual.

MARKET FOR RESIN ANIMALS SKYROCKEtS

There is little that gets a shopaholic's blood flowing more than the news that another shopaholic is selling off their valued 'stuff' to clear the path for even more grandiose 'stuff'.

TT's stint in rehab has left us impervious to these urges except as a matter of intellectual curiosity - unless, of course the 'stuff' is exceptionally good stuff.

When we heard that Elton John was having a 'garage sale' our curiosity was aroused and we wasted little time in jumping on the Concorde to check out the creme of the creme of what was up for grabs.

Now, TT is simply not going to respond to those nasty remarks about our trip at over 1000 miles an hour being self indulgent. How else were we supposed to get there in time for the big sale???? Anyway, we consider our Concorde trip as more in keeping with an act of historical importance than any form of self indulegence. It's not like the Concorde was COMFORTABLE or anything and really, can anything that hands out PLASTIC utensils with which to eat your caviar be in any way self indulgent??? We think not.

Frankly, we think our flight was populated by car salesmen from Tennessee and pork farmers from Arkansas. They CLAPPED when the plane landed!!!! Guess the Concorde doesn't get to the trailer parks very often. Travelling with people who clap when the plane lands is definitely NOT our idea of self indulgence and, presumably because The Big Bird hangs up its wings forever on October 24, previous passengers had helped themselves to everything that wasn't nailed down (and some things that were). It wasn't easy to steal a menu from the less than famous person sitting behind TT.

Of course, the glitterati were ensconsed in Cabin A which is indistinguishable from Cabin B except that the BA crew fawn just a bit more obsequiously than with the Cabin B crowd. Through an error in ticketing, TT was not seated next to Georgio Armani or Michael Kors, but it did give us a chance to rub our wrists around the inflight magazine and render ourselves perfumed at a more reasonable rate than had we bought the frangrances produced by either of these gentlemen.

So, TT endured the car salesmen, pork farmers (clearly both lucrative businesses) and plastic utensils and arrived refreshed for the EJ cash-out. Unfortunately, we no longer had any money to spend so had to take a pass on some of the more interesting items (the coveted collection of ceramic and resin animals valued at 200ps, sold for 1000 ps and the birchwood double bed sold for 4200ps, although valued at 1000ps). Proof once again that randome acts of shopping can be viewed more as investing than uncontrolled self-gratification.

TT does have a bid in on a particularly unattractive portrait of a lady with a dog by that very famous painter 'Unknown". We could swear, however, that we saw a number of car salesmen from Tennessee and pig farmers from Arkansas looking at the same painting so we just may have to settle for the cufflinks we pried off the wrists of the BA pilot and little peice of landing gear we were able to wrest from a Tammy Faye Baker look a like. Self indulgent? We think not!!

SHREK FOR PRESIDENT

It looks like 'The Truman Show' is going to have a longer run in California than many people had thought.

Conan (The Barbarian, not O'Brien) may not have been able to win an Oscar but he cleaned up in the electoral votes. Governor Schwarzenegger. We have to admit, it does have a certain ring to it.

TT thinks the sniggering and derision over the Schwarzenegger victory is a little unfair. Devotees of bodybuilding, group sex and serial groping have been disenfranchised for too long. Well, actually, serial gropers have been pretty well represented even at the highest levels of national politics.

We do think it a tad hypocritical though that Ah Nold should be the object of ridicule over what some say was the lack of substance in his campaign. Now PULEEZE. When so-called 'Reality TV' continues to sweep the TV ratings, does anyone really think that America wants substance ??? Au contraire, TT says. America wants entertainment and diversion - and California has shown them the way forward.

TT actually thinks Ah Nold is pretty clever and was always underrated by the pundits. Gary Hart lost the Democratic nomination with one photo op and Bill Clinton got himself impeached through his parsing of the English language (blow jobs aren't considered sex, right?}. But, Ah Nold managed to blow off his own admissions of group canoodling and serial groping with admissions that he had "acted up" on the sets of his movies and while he didnt remember things from years ago, "it sounds like me". TT particularly liked his response regarding serial groping. Pointing out that many of the facts were incorrect, he said, "where there is smoke, there is fire". He made himself sound more like a loveable rogue and curmudgeon than a letch - not so stupid is old Ah Nold we think.

Beige busily sits in Sacramento busily ramming through more than 100 political appointments and signing nearly 300 peices of legislation before he hands over the reigns of the Big Bloated Ship to Conan, Mickey and Donald.

And what is Ah Nold doing? Ah Nold waits 11 milliseconds after being declared victor and then lets it be known he is going to ask Dubbya for assistance with California's mega deficit. Not so dumb, we think. Puts Dubbya in a nasty place but leaves Conan in a sweet spot. If Dubbya springs for some money, Conan wins and if Dubbya refuses, again Conan wins.

Democracy has spoken but TT cannot help but wonder if, after watching the California Truman Show, Iraqis are less than thrilled about the prospects of American-style Democracy for Iraqistan. Baghdad Bob for President?? Dictatorship can start to look pretty good, we think.

Always prepared, TT is gearing up for Governors Spears, Ben-Lo, DeNiro, Pitt and Anderson (as in Pamela). Can Shrek or Nemo For President be far behind?

ITS THE BOTOX STUPID

Dubbya Blair and Tony Bush barely blinked at the interim, preliminary, introductory report by Weapons Rooter Outer, David Kay.

After four months and $300million, Kay and his 1200 Weapons Rooter Outers have found no cache of biological, chemical or nuclear weapons - YET. It is after all, a preliminary report, we must be patient. The final preliminary report may be another 6 to 9 months or longer.

TT doesn't get it. How come Dubbya and Tony found the patience that the UN Weapons Inspectors and the rest of the worl urged in March, to be intolerable but patience in October is obligatory. TT hadn't realized that patience was seasonal.

Now, not only are we instructed to be patient but both Dubbya and Tony are telling us that Kay may not have found any WMDs YET (notice how the word YET creeps into every statement?) but he has found, "evidence of intent".

Frankly, TT had no idea that intent had such potency. We intend to lose 20 pounds and become fabulously rich. Should we run out immediately and buy a new wardrobe and some fractional ownership in a few overpriced yachts and bling-bling?

Actually, Kay and his Rooter Outers did find a vial (that's one vial) of botulinum. Botulinum is one of those 'dual use' items we are hearing more and more about. This highly toxic substance, which was found in some scientist's home, is more familiarly known to most American's as Botox. It has been reported that the scientist in whose home this was found is remarkably wrinkly free, as is his family.

Hmm. Imagine, we could all have been only 45 minutes away from wrinkle free faces if the invasion had been held off even by a few months. Scary thought.

So, while revisionist history gets written (its not the weapons he had, its the weapons he coveted, lusted after and WOULD have had someday), Paul Potentate of Iraq Bremmer gives us a chilling warning: Iraq, he said this week, could become a magnet for terrorists. Duh!! How do ANY of these people manage to keep a straight face? Must be all the botulinum(a/k/a Botox) they have had injected!!