Well, who would have thought that group sex was going to be a campaign issue? Not even TT would have predicted that one.

On the other hand, it is California where just about everyone except TT is running for Governor. We understand that Jimmy Hoffa may make a bid from beyond the grave, rounding out a sterling field of wannabees.

We guess we shouldn't be surprised that group sex has reared its seamy little head, we have had cyclical adultery, oval office trysts, sexual ambiguity issues, "illegitimate" children etc etc so we must be just about due for a group sex issue.

As 'Ahhhhnold', the Terminator tried to bond with 'the people' (Ahhhnold talks like he isn't one of those great unwashed folks he seeks to represent), the media was in a frenzy over a 1977 interview that Schwarnzenegger gave to Oui magazine.

Now, just what folks expected to find in a Oui interview is hard to fathom. Even TT knows Oui is not Harpers, the New Yorker or the Atlantic Monthly. We don't even know if Oui is still around but one thing we can be sure of is that this will be the first time in the recorded history of 'skin' magazines that anyone has ever read one of the articles.

In fact, more people have now probably read the 'group sex' article (now almost 30 years old) in the last 24 hours than have ever bought, seen or wanted to buy the slightly less than mainstream publication (did they even have group sex 30 years ago? we thought that was only invented in the mid 80's).

In the article, 'Ahhhnold' punctuates his comments with copulatory expletives but we aren't sure that Oui's 'lookership' (not at all the same thing as readership) cares or expects anything different. Maybe if he had done the interview with Time, it might be news.

The media frenzy has seized on 'Ahhhnold's' description of group sex in the world of body builders.He says he did participate but not everyone does - it would seem that some of those oversculpted bods are a bit shy about the muscle that no amount of pumping iron or steroids can enhance.

The Terminator also talks about pre-competition 'release' activities.He said it helped him go out on stage and feel like King Kong and we are only surprised that others are surprised by the revelations. So, body builders are big partyers - wow, who would have thought? Anyway, hardly the exclusive domaine of bodybuilders, we can think of at least a couple of US President's who have utilized similar stress reduction techniques so where is the news here?.

'Ahhhnold' also displays his 'feminist' side, making it quite clear that he can have 'relations' with a woman even if she is on the chunky side (Monica? are you listening) and he doesn't care if she weighs 150 pounds (of course she would need to be 7 feet tall but Ahhnold is an equal opportunity copulator). And, we learn, he never felt exploited by women who wanted him just for his body! Oh, PULEEEZE!

None of these revelations are particularly new but it has given the media(who didn't know there was any such thing as group sex till they found the article) something to run with in the staid, run of the mill election campaign where porn stars, ex-baseball commissioners and just about everybody in California is running for office. Budget deficit? What budget deficit?

Yesterday, the media bombarded the Terminator with questions about the article and what he said about his 'populist' practices. Ahhhnold says he cannot possibly remember an article from 25 or 30 years ago. Entirely possible - but TT thinks WE would remember group sex, even if it was 30 years ago - in fact,maybe even PARTICULARLY if it was 30 years ago and we had four kids.

CLICK HERE AND YOU TOO, COURTESY OF SMOKING GUN, CAN READ THIS INSIGHTFUL POLITICAL ANALYSIS.

TT suspects that we may just have to go back into rehab for a "refresher".

We really believed our on-line shopping addiction was well under control (we do not have a 'regular' shopping addiction - on the contrary, we HATE stores and just the idea of going shopping repels us).

TT has been "clean" for months now. We haven't bought a thing on line. Well....we did buy a FEW things from Amazon.com but "essentials" don't really count. Doesn't everyone need at least ONE Japanese cookbook? And frankly, it's hard to imagine anyone with a hard core interest in the latest way to lose weight effortlessly being without the South Beach Diet book. "Comp City" really falls into the 'investment' category (squeezing the maximum in free stuff out of casinos seems to us to be an essential resource).

So, apart from a few essentials, TT has been "clean". But, today we felt the familiar stirrings when we happened on a website that specializes in the sale of islands. Surely, buying an island on-line would qualify us for some sort of 'rehab rebate'?

Frankly, we were surprised at how many islands there are for sale and how seductively cheap they are.

One could pick up Las Colipchique (actually TWO islands), all 34 acres, for only $55,000. You cannot even get a broom closet in New York for that. These little paradises are just 2.5 miles from Melinta, Chile!! Well, no, we don't exactly know where Melinta is and yes, the transport by boat to the island is described as "somewhat restricted in availability with weather conditions and capacity" but we are assured that "the fishermen are keen to help out". At least the price looks right.

For $7 million US we could pick up Isola Gallinara, a 25 acre paradise near Genoa which, conveniently has its own helicopter landing pad and island harbour for 12 yachts (this might be a bit tight for our requirements, but it would help us cut down on wealthy visitors!)

But, as we felt ourselves dangerously close to the "click" and "shopping basket" buttons for Ile Chantemesle CLICK AND CHECK OUT THE 25 ACRE ISLAND NEAR PARIS WHERE CLAUDE MONET LIVED AND PAINTEDwe recognized that our 'little addiction' may not be entirely licked.

So, we reluctantly take a pass on Ile Chantemesle and Tessera Island ( in Venetian lagoon just five minutes by water taxi to San Marco)......on the other hand, Chantemesle IS for rent at only $6500 a week. Sounds better than rehab to us!!!

TT has always taken an interest in the "free stuff" that celebs manage to garner.

The higher up the Forbes List of World's Richest People they climb, the more "free stuff" they seem to get. TT cannot help but wonder how it is that the farther away from that list we get, the amount and quality of free stuff seems to diminish.

Designers scramble to provide free clothes, jewellers resort to all means of guiles to bestow increasingly more opulent gems apon those who will hardly notice yet ANOTHER "bling bling".

In the interests of full disclosure, TT admits we once got a free mood ring and quite a large number of T-shirts of a distinctly commerical bent ("Burger Kings Do It Better", "Joe's Used Cars Leave You Begging For More" and"Sandy's Diner - Always Over Easy"). Frankly, we have noticed a blatant class distinction in the bestowing of free stuff and TT is feeling a tad miffed. Clearly not all celebs are treated equally!

An Armani or two would get far more attention in TT's wardrobe than in, well.....Nicole Kidman's for example. Surely that's what the free stuff is all about....getting attention for the bestower?

Now we have been confronted with yet another example of this egregious class discrimination applied by Bestowers of Free Stuff (BFS).It seems that Renee Zellwegger is being paid a $100,000 per pound bonus for every pound she puts on in preparation for her role as Bridget Jones Diary - Part II.

So, while Zellwegger scarfs down chocolate shakes, McGriddles and other pound enhancing foodstuffs we don't notice anyone offering to pay TT any $100,000 for the pounds we have put on and we have done it without the McGriddles or chocolate shakes. Indeed, we believe there is a case to be made that given the effortlessness with which TT is able to accummulate poundage that we are, if anything, more deserving of financial recognition for this talent.

Based on a lifetime calculation, performed by MIT, TT is advised that, based on $100,000 per pound, someone owes us $133.6 BILLION. This calculation takes into account pounds gained, lost and then reaccumulated which is a much more complex undertaking than just scarfing down a bunch of Krispy Kreme's and putting on a couple of pounds. No Big Deal, we say.

Outraged by the social injustice of this inequity, TT has launched a broad based coaltion (many members of which will be drawn from the vast pre-existing coaliton which invaded Iraq, or at least theoretically invaded Iraq). This network will work tirelessly and selflessly to assure that BFS (Bestowers of Free Stuff) treat all celebs in an equitable manner. If one gets $100,000 for putting on a pound - we all want it!!


NOTE: TT readers who wish to support this noble cause can contact TT at rootvegies@aol.com and get the Swiss bank account number into which your funds can be deposited.

Poor McDonald's. Their sales have been hit by anti-Americanism and BSE fears abroad and at home, Americans are apparently moving towards healthier foods (Wink, Wink).

Fending off lawsuits from chubby (ok, super fat) teens who were unaware that eating three meals a day at Mickey D's might be unhealthy, McGrease Inc takes pride in pointing to all those super fab salads they are offering to their taste-bud challenged clientele.

Sales in the US jumped almost 5% in the second quarter and financial pundits (and McGrease Inc itself) are pointing to the salads as the source of this improvement in financial performance. Of course, no one in recorded history is able to name a single person who has ever gone to McGrease Inc for a salad. TT thinks those salads are holographs (since no one buys them, they dont have to be real and think of the cost savings when you dont have to buy lettuce or tomato).

What neither the pundits nor McSodium Inc itself are talking about, but everybody else is, is the real source of the growth - the introduction of McGriddles.

McGriddles is, according to McSaturated Fat Inc., a new 'breakfast' sandwich which is self-described as"Bizarre, but yummy"and "Weird. But a good kind of weird".

These solid little profit generators consist of griddle cake bun which, according to McCholesterol Inc's press release, has been drenched with the "sweet taste of maple syrup baked right in". When people talk about the 'taste' being baked right in, TT knows these griddle cakes haven't been within a million miles of anything even vaguely linked to maple syrup.

These amazing concoctions come in three varieties: sausage(hahahahahah), sausage, egg and cheese (sure), and bacon, egg and cheese(ok, if they say so). X-entertainment's web site points out that the wrappers are "translucently oily which is a good way for the illiterate to tell them apart". And Flak on line points out that the "slice of American cheese bonds completely with the circular yellow egg thing, creating a warm disk of pliable breakfast-tasting protein".

Grease Inc.'s press release says it is a "response to evolving consumer tastes and providing a novel breakfast option". TT agrees. Where else could you get a year's worth of cholesterol (260 mg), fat (33 grams) and saturated fat (11 grams) in such a convenient form? Why go through all those endless meals when you can get it all in one shot and be done with it?

But, McGrease Inc doesn't expect us to take their word for it. Their press release quotes the world-renown "registered dietician", Diane Qaugliani (we do admit that they don't exactly say what she is registered in, nor are they too precise as to where this registration may have occurred - Afgahn's have dieticians too, you know).

Dietician Quagliani reminds us that "mum was right. breakfast is the most important meal because it gives you the fuel you need to jump start your day". Hmmm. We wonder just how much jumping would be going on after one of these babies. But hey, Ape.com (for the primate in all of us) rates these succulent "jump starters" with four out of five bananas.

TT readers who have a purient interest in reading about(and seeing in all their glory) these evolved consumer preferancesCLICK ON X-Entertainment: McGRIDDLES TRANSLUCENTLY OILY WRAPPERS.

Now, TT is feeling a bit peckish after all this gastronomical talk so we are just gonna head down to McSalad Inc for one of those holograph salads!!


NOTE: TT reader's can communicate with TT (wipe your fingers first please!) at root vegies@aol.com.

NOTE #2: TT dedicates this incisive and profound commentary to Frank, whose fidelity to and enthusiasm for McGrease's "breakfast" treats is an inspiration to us all.

TT is often amused by small things (few things are too small or too irrelevant for us).

Our latest source of amusement is HOW STUFF WORKS (http://www.howstuffworks.com/) which is a veritable treasure trove of information on everything from how a nuclear bomb works (access to this section is probably monitored by you know who so TT readers probably want to exercise prudence before diving in),to how to throw a boomerang and have it come back (people marvel at TT's skills in this area- our boomerangs always come back).

TT readers will find this site invaluable for arming yourselves to participate in social conversation in almost any situation and on virtually any subject. TT, of course, already has that special skill. Give TT a subject and we can guarantee at least five minutes of uninterrupted discourse!! This site will enable readers to acquire some of these talents and quickly acquire the ability to pontificate on the techniques of tatooing, making candy floss or pumpkin chunking - all useful cocktail/dinner conversation topics.

More importantly, you can find out how to change a tire, or find out how to become a saint (TT has already determined that we are an unlikely candidate but that shouldn't deter TT readers).

And, how smart do you have to be to get into Mensa (of course, TT readers are all clearly eligible)?Well, justCLICK ON HOW STUFF WORKS AND FIND OUT THAT AND JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW - OR NOT KNOW.


NOTE: TT readers unable to control themselves can comment to TT directly (or one of the clones) at rootvegies@aol.com

TT was skimming through the August 3/03 issue of the Economist (we read the National Enquirer but skim the Economist) when our eyes were drawn to an arresting advertisement in the Executive Recruitment pages.

"Possibly, the most demanding job in the world."

No question about it, curiosity got the better of TT. We thought TT had the most demanding job in the world......and, at least as far as we know, no one is seeking to replace TT (impossible, as we all know!)

The advertisement is not for Governor of California, Spin-Meister for Saddam Hussein , the Catholic Church or Admiral Strangelove Pointdexter's Terrorism Futures Market - it is for the CIA - the Clandestine Service no less!!

Describing the position as the "ultimate international career" demanding an "adventurous spirit" and "superior intellect" (or at least an intellect sufficient to locate Weapons of Mass Destruction), the advertisement left us scratching our top knot.

Last time we looked, didn't clandestine operations mean secret squirrel stuff? cloak and daggers? black ops? A highly visible ad in the Economist doesn't sound so clandestine to us!! In fact, TT thinks the CIA might have been better reading the Economist rather than advertising in it.

Imagine our surprise when in the same issue there is a second advertisement for the CIA, "America's premier intelligence agency" - this one seeking International Analysts to work in a number of areas, including weapons development and proliferation!! Hmmmm. Shouldn't they have been hiring these folks a decade ago or, just reading Turnip Top? We know where the WMDs are - they have been in Alabama all along and are about to be destroyed by the US military (while a small town equips itself with gas masks and other paraphenalia!)

These Analyst positions "use information from around the world - from open and classified sources (maybe better steer clear of British intelligence) - to develop and provide the reliable intelligence that is essential for informed decisions by the US policymakers in the national security and defence arenas". As if this weren't scary enough, the ad for these $40-90,000 a year analysts says "you will contribute to a process reaching right to the top of national policy decisions". YIKES.

Actually, TT finally concluded that these advertisements are "beards" for the REAL CIA clandestine ops recruiting initiative. In the very same issue is an advertisement for "Chief of Party- Egypt for World Learning". Huh??? We didn't make this up.

A self-described nonprofit organization (sure, sure) World Learning (sounds pretty covert to us) is seeking "an experienced Chief of Party for long term assignment in Egypt". Somehow we don't think they are looking for Party Planners for Egyptian weddings.

The Party Animal (experienced) will work "closely with USAID/Strategic Objective Teams.....". Now if that isn't 'spook speak' for clandestine ops, we don't know what is.

And what will this clad in black individual be doing? Well, the ad makes it clear this Maxwell Smart, er ...we mean, Chief of Party...will be "responsible for implementing and managing a large and complex Indefinite Quantity Contract....". Come on folks, you might as well just say experienced SuperSpook wanted! Experience talking into your shoe desirable.

But, if any TT readers are interested in a career shift, you can go after any one of these three SUPER SPY positions.by CLICKING ON SUPER SPOOK.


NOTE: TT readers who wish to communicate with TT should send their comments, colour coded in invisible type, to rootvegies@aol.com

TT wants to know how we can sign up to be a 'researcher'.

We want to be one of those researchers who get squillions of $ to conclude, after years of leisurely and well remunerated work, what is self evident.

Just the other day we were treated to a stunning research conclusion from a McMaster University kineology professor (no, TT has NO idea what kineology is but having an obscure and generally unknown specialty seems to go with the turf - TT thinks we will be a trashologist!)

Said professor and her team (yeh, that's the other thing, they always have lots of folks working for them) have determined that women who exercise in front of mirrors, like those that paper the walls of fitness clubs, feel worse after their workouts than those who train without mirrors. Hello????

Now we ask you. Just how much research does it take to figure out that being forced to watch your sweaty,flabby thighs reflected from four different directions, just might make you feel bad???

Apparently this cutting edge research draws on an entire body of research into the mirror effect on women. Huh??? There is a whole gaggle of people paying their mortages, buying Lexus' and vacationing in Italian luxury villas on this one!!!!

The fact that women feel worse and excercise for shorter periods when surrounded with mirrors has proved to be a startling and revolutionary bit of news to the American College of Sports Medicine(movie stars, models and professional athletes apparently are striken by the reverse phenomena). In the College's published guidelines, they recommend that fitness clubs have mirrors on at least two of their four walls (EEEEEK! now we know why all these places are like some theme park House of Mirrors - and the distortion!!).

The research does explain the long list of gyms that TT has joined and frequented (poor choice of words!) infrequently. They all had too many mirrors! Before spending any more money on gym memberships though, TT thinks we will wait for this research and its conclusions (if you want women to excercise, get rid of the mirrors) to find their way into the College of Sports Medicine guidelines.

Interestingly, the mirror-effect is considerably less pronounced in men. Apparently, they get some perverse pleasure in watching their anti-Adonis bodies sweat.

The results will be published in this month's Health Psychology but for those TT readers who just cannot accept the findings, you can find an abstract byCLICKING ON "TO SEE OR NOT TO SEE: EFFECTS OF EXERCISING IN MIRRORED ENVIRONMENTS ON SEDENtARY WOMEN'S FEELING STATES AND SELF-EFFICACY".


NOTE: Reader's can send their comments on non-reflective materials to TT at rootvegies@aol.com. Anything on mirrors will be automatically returned to sender.

Well, "shizzle my nizzle" (raptalk for 'for sure')!!

It is said that if you build it they will come. Now we know that if TT says it, it will happen!

No sooner has TT salivated over the seemingly remote possibility of The Terminator squaring off with Arianna Huffington in the race for the California governorship than presto - Huffington files papers and the Terminator (appropriately) announces he will run-- on the Jay Leno show(well, at least it wasn't Jerry Springer's show). If he doesn't win the governorship, it should be a big boost for Terminator , Whatever Number It Is, at the boxoffice.

That will make Beige Davis one of the few candidates who can be understood without benefit of subtitles or dubbing. This is a major disadvantage for Beige. Very scary when voters actually understand what a politician is saying and dangerous for the politician because he can be held accountable for what he has promised (" Read My Lips. No new Taxes". Ring a Bell??).

All we need now to murky up the waters further is to add a Snoop Doggie Dog to the mix (or is he dead?). Actually there may already be a rap 'artiste' in the mix as over 100 candidates have filed papers (TT readers will already know that Angelyne is still considered a frontrunner by many).

This will defiitely make things more complicated. Two foreign languages is manageable, but three is gonna get tricky.

In June, a British high court judge confirmed what we already knew when he ruled that rap lyrics should be treated as a foreign language . He was compelled to admit that he was unsure of the meaning of "shizzle my nizzle" and "mish mish man".

The judge was presiding over a copyright fight involving two rap bands. To assist, he even contemplated calling a drug dealer into court as an expert witness (now, does California really seem so off the wall after all???).

The poor judge was also forced to admit that, even after playing the record in dispute at half speed and consulting the Urban Dictionary, he really couldn't be sure of the meaning of many of the phrases. In his ruling he said that the rap lyrics were, "for practical purposes a foreign language".

Californians may face the prospect of screens of subtitles in any candidate debates and one can only imagine how this will play out if the rumours are true that a number of Disney characters are huddling to discuss a possible group run.

TT readers who are interested in the nuances of the British legal case should refer to that internationally acclaimed journal of jurisprudence BILLBOARD - JUST CLICK HERE.


NOTE: Comments, preferably in Day Glow Pink (better chance of not being ignored) can be sent to TT at rootvegies@aol.com

Turnip Top knows when to retreat!

With the deadline fast approaching to file papers and run for Governor of California, we want to take this opportunity to let TT readers be the first to know - We will not be running and if drafted, we will not serve.

The field is getting pretty crowded with some quite impressive folks but most of them don't intimidate TT.

The Terminator? He is unlikely to run but if he does, he doesn't worry TT one bit. We have better diction.

Then there is Arianna anti-SUV Huffington who is being pressed to run (by whom we wonder???). Actually, TT would love to see a race between Arianna and the Terminator. With their accents we think it would be fun to have their debates dubbed or carried with sub-titles.

Her ex- husband, Michael, has filed papers(rich, gay and clearly not one of the Fab Five on Queer Eye but heaven knows he could use the make-over). The sounds you hear are of Californians yawning.

Then of course there is Porn King, Larry Flint who clearly would be a formidable foe but no one went to see the movie so we don't think he is much of a threat.

And, Beige Davis will of course be running but beating him looks like a piece of cake for TT.

There may be more tossing their beanies in the ring between now and the 9th but there is one declared candidate, even TT realizes, against whom we cannot compete. Angelyne has filed papers and will be a candidate. It's official.

Angelyne, for the uninitiated, is an LA phenomenon. She is, as far as we can tell, "famous" for being "famous", although she apparently 'starred' in that film classic, "Bendless Love" and claims to have appeared in National Geographic (what? for her "canyon-like cleavage?).

Angelyne's billboards are everywhere in LA. We particularly like the one with her wearing the fluffy pink bikini with cat ears. Are you starting to get the idea of just how tough it would be to run against her???

She tools around LA in her pink corvette, "sausage-casing" clothing and whole web sites are devoted to Angelyne antics. TT doesn't have a pink corvette and the "sausage-casing" clothing is more a function of a few too many donuts than a fashion statement (we DO have a boa, though).

Pink is her trademark colour ("the colour vibrates on a higher level mentally", she says) and in addition to the pink Vette she carries a powder pink marabou purse (are we jealous? you bet) pink nailpolish and a Barbie knapsack ("The truth is, Barbie wants to be me", the LA Times quotes her as saying).

There are Angelyne websites where Angelyne sightings are chronicled like those of the Loch Ness Monster. We are unaware of any websites, other than John Ashcroft's,which document Turnip Top sightings.

TT is nothing if not pragmatic and we know a winning candidate when we see it so we are withdrawing from the race (of course there is the Presidential campagin). The BillBoard Belle has her own website which you can check out byCLICKING ON PINK MARIBOU PURSE.

There are those humourless folks who are criticizing some of these candidacies as trivializing the democratic process. TT sees nothing trivial about pink furry bikinis or Day-Glo pink mules!!


NOTE: Comments or questions (or even better, boas and Day-Glow anything) can be communicated to TT (or a reasonable facsimle) at rootvegies@aol.com.

While someone now sits enjoying his $30 million bounty for giving up Heckle and Jeckle Hussein, Colin Powell sits pen in hand just waiting to write that $25 million cheque to whomever hands over the Ace of Spades. Of course a lot of that booty will be spent on security.

TT is very curious to know where the Iraqi lotto winner is going to be hanging his hat. It isn't so easy to blend in to your surroundings when you have $30 million. For his sake we hope he doesn't run out and buy his wife a Kobe-sized diamond ring. (Where IS she planning on wearing that $4million rock?)

We doubt that, whoever The Snitch is, that he will be shipped off to Nebraska in the Witness Protection Programme. Mansions tend to stick out there, even in the ritzier sections of Nebraska (surely, even Nebraska has a ritzy section or two). Perhaps Saint Tropez? Saint Moritz? Bariloche??

So now the hunt for the Ace of Spades (and that other guy no one talks much about any more) is accelerated and, to help the hunters nab their prey, the US Military have produced a half dozen sketches of what the Ace might look like if, as is expected, he has altered his appearance. At first these sketches were withheld from the media but now we have had an opportunity to see the Ace in a variety of "disguises". We have seen him without his Grecian forumula and we have seen him in traditional headgear. Should be enormously helpful in the hunt but they had better move quickly!

TT has it on the best authority that the Ace of Spades and Osama Bin Laden are the next make-over subjects for the Fabulous Five on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. For those who have been vacationing in Outer Mongolia, that's the hot new TV show where Five Gay Style Mavens, "transform style-deficient and culture deprived straight men from drab to fab". Of course, the whole thing is VERY hush hush. NBC and Bravo don't want to blow their ratings potential.

You have to admit, if "drab" is the defining characteristic of Queer's subjects, they have real doozie's in the Ace of Spades and Osama (bets are that that unkempt beard will be first to go). What a challenge!!

As usual, the Pentagon and CIA are two steps behind. Instead of running around with pictures of old white haired guys in traditional Arab headgear they should be flashing pics of beardless, earringed and Armani clad "hotties" carrying copies of W and Gourmet (Arabic editions)!