Turnip Top was very interested to note that Microsoft is cranking up its 'war' against SPAM, launching 15 lawsuits in the US and UK against SPAMMERS.

Microsoft is targeting, "the most misleading, deceptive and offensive" spam. It all sounds like a good idea but TT will confess to being mildly ambivalent.

Annoying though it can sometimes be, we feel we have become more knowledgeable because of SPAM.

TT would never have known that the demand and supply for Russian Mail Order brides was so robust were it not for unsolicited SPAM.

Before SPAM, we didn't know what a septic tank was but now we not only know what one is, but we know we have one. And, should we ever have a problem with it - we can just open some of the septic tank spam that we get. TT NEVER opens SPAM, but we learn a lot from the subject line.

Microsoft claims it will be principally targeting the deceptive and fraudulent SPAM. TT worries, however, that factual, information based SPAM may fall victim to this assault. We would really hate for "Hard Bodies Without Excercise" or "Reverse Aging Instantly" to be denied to us. Obviously, there is nothing deceptive in these communications (of course we haven't actually looked at the contents but we take comfort in knowing that we have access to this important medical information).

We have never quite understood how SPAMMER's find us. TT has started to get SPAM via rootvegies@aol.com, dedicated exclusively to receiving the insightful analysis and comment of TT readers. Rootvegies has never visited so much as one internet site, so how are the spammers finding us and, if you will forgive the indelicacy, what makes them think TT has a penis?

TT is very curious to know how Microsoft plans to determine which spam items are deceptive or fraudulent. We think it is much more complex than they may have anticipated.

Rootvegies received four SPAMs in two days - as follows (if you are uncomfortable with the subject of male genetalia, you really should not read any further):

1. "Grow Your (Male Genetalia) 2 inches in 2 days"

2. "Increase Your (Male Genetalia) 3 inches in 22 days"

3. "Want a King Size (Male Genetalia) in one week"

4. "Make it Bigger Guaranteed"

Now, it is clear to TT that it is quite likely that some of these SPAM nuggets are fraudulent but how is Microsoft going to determine which are above board and which are slick snake oil promises.

The biggest problem. of course, is if they are ALL factually accurate. Then those for whom male genetalia enhancement is a relevant subject, have some very tough choices to make. TT does not plan to offer an opinion (rare). Anyone really interested in finding out more about the Microsoft SPAM attack can CLICK and read about how Microsoft Escalates Its Global Campaign Against Spam.

TT reminds you that while we love getting fact-based SPAM, you can also express your views to Turnip Top at rootvegies@aol.com . TT will surely find it, after we finish combing the SPAM.

Turnip Top hates to admit, it but one of the "global" consulting firms has come up with a product TT should have invented.

Deloitte Consulting has just come out with jargon busting software that lets the user blast through corporate and political "bull". It is aptly named 'BullFighter' and was developed by Deloitte because as one consultant so aptly put it, "we've had it with repurposeful, value-added knowledge capital and robust leverageable mindshare". (These guys are GOOD. Of course, as consultants they have had years to refine their "bull" expertise).

"Bullfighter" is free to corporate executives and politicians (and TT readers engaged in academic research!!) who are keen to "leverage a value-based paradigm shift in their knowledge repository". WOW, these folks have really been benefitting from studying the "bull" of others. But then, as the old adage goes, consultants are the guys who borrow your watch to tell you the time - at a huge fee of course.

The software, which can be downloaded for free, works like a spell check, scanning Microsoft Word or Powerpoint Presentations for pointless jargon to produce a "bull" composite index!!

Altlhough initially developed to cut through corporate bull (Deloitte noticed that Enron communications got murkier and more obtuse the closer they got to bankruptcy), it works very well with politicos also.

In the UK, the Telegraph tested the program by running speeches by PM Tony Blair and Chancellor Gordon Brown - it will not surprise TT readers to learn that neither emerged unscathed. In a speech on corporate responsibility given by Brown earlier this month, top bull scoring words included: 'global' (33 times), 'transparent' (17 times), 'empower' (twice) and 'paradigm'(once).

TT, of course, doesn't need such software. Tests on TT musings, conducted by an independent laboratory staffed by Nobel prize winning scientists, detected NO 'bull'. But, for TT readers we recommend this "repurposeable, leading edge thoughtware that delivers results-driven value".DCLICK and take theBullfighter Challenge and download the software!!

As an aside, TT should point out that when the Telegraph ran one of the EU Agriculture Commissioner's speeches through the "bullfighter" scan - the computer crashed. TT thinks that's going to be an ongoing problem with Washington prognostigations on Iraq, the hunt for Weapons of Mass Deception and let us not forget the crowd jostling for the privilege of taking on Dubbya in the next Presidential election.........

Looks like even having a healthy trust fund isn't enough to escape the long arm of the law (Scott Peterson, take note!).

Andrew Luster was finally apprehended in Mexico at a tacos stand (so much for any illusions of a champagne and caviar existance on the run).

For TT readers who have been snoozing or preoccupied with the search for Weapons of Mass Deception in Iraq, Andrew Luster is the Scuz Squillionaire and Max Factor heir who skipped bail and the country($1million is clearly not enough to ensure a Squillionaire will turn up for his trial) , just before a California jury found him guilty on 88 rape and rape related charges. Leaving his car (and his dog), the Trust Fund Rapist was long gone when the judge sentanced him to 124 years.

This week, however, the Squillionaire was apprehended and returned to California and, not for the first time, the mainstream media missed the most interesting part of the story.

Luster wasn't apprehended by the FBI or Mexican police but a real live Bounty Hunter by the name of Duane "Dog" Chapman (he could hardly be called "Bunny" now could he?). Luster's abandoned dog must take a certain delight that his owner was brought to justice by a man named "Dog".

"Dog" is the "greatest bounty hunter in the world", according to Mid Week Magazine (no, TT has never heard of this magazine either but we imagine it means something in the bounty hunting world).

Frankly, "Dog" looks more like someone heading to jail for 124 years than Luster does. This is one scary looking dude!!

And, as a convicted felon (18 arrests for armed robbery in his youth!), "Dog" cannot even carry a gun - just handcuffs.

But, if we go to his website, we find tough guy Duane/"Dog" is a poetic soul("born on a mountaintop, raised in a cave. Arresting fugitives is all I crave.") . "Dog" has a seemingly endless supply of "dogisms" such as: "From 18 to 80. Blind. Crippled or Crazy. If they can't walk or crawl, we'll drag Em back!". Has a certain charm, doesn't it?

"Dog", is credited with capturing more than 6000 felons since his release from a Texas prison 25 years ago, including the "infamous" Kona burgler (huh? did this guy steal coffee or something?). That makes "Dog" one busy boy.....but not THAT busy. "Dog" has twelve children, seven of whom live at home!! The hunting has indeed been bounteous.

But don't take TT's word for it, CLICKand check out The Official site of world-famous Duane "Dog" Chapman, Bounty Hunter!. Were TT ever to become a fugitive, we don't think we would worry too much about the FBI or Chief Moose but we sure would worry about "Dog"!

ADDENDUM (Sunday, June 22/03). No sooner has TT taken a shot at the "mainstream" media for ignoring "Dog" and focusing on Andrew Scuz Squillionaire Luster, than none other than the NY Times devotes close to a full page to "Dog" (God spelled backwards according to the Times and "Dog's" own website). Seems "Dog" (along with his agent and a cameraman who happened to be with "Dog" the taco stand when he apprehended Scuz Squillionare) is in a Mexican prison charged with kidnapping. Bounty hunting, it would seem is illegal in Mexico. So, guilty until proven innocent under Mexican law, "Dog", who is described by the NY Times as having biceps "bigger than most men's brainpans", will be cooling his heels for a while. Cancel those NY Times subscriptions. Turnip Top is all you need !!

Looks like even having a healthy trust fund to draw on isn't enough to escape the long arm of the law (Scott Peterson, take note!).

Andrew Luster was finally apprehended in Mexico at a tacos stand (so much for any illusions of a champagne and caviar existance on the run).

For TT readers who have been snoozing or preoccupied with the search for Weapons of Mass Deception in Iraq, Andrew Luster is the Scuz Squillionaire Max Factor heir who skipped bail ($1million is clearly not enough to ensure a Squillionaire will turn up for his trial) and the country, just before a California jury found him guilty on 88 rape charges. Leaving his car (and his dog) the Trust Fund Rapist was long gone when the judge sentanced him to 124 years.

This week, however, the Squillionaire was apprehended and returned to California and, not for the first time, the mainstream media missed the most interesting part of the story.

Luster wasn't apprehended by the FBI or Mexican police but a real live Bounty Hunter by the name of Duane "Dog" Chapman (he could hardly be called "Bunny" now could he?). Luster's abandoned dog must take a certain delight that his owner was brought to justice by a man named "Dog".

"Dog" is the "greatest bounty hunter in the world", according to Mid Week Magazine (no, TT has never heard of this magazine either but we imagine it means something in the bounty hunting world).

Frankly, "Dog" looks more like someone heading to jail for 124 years than the culprit he brought down. This is one scary looking dude!!
And, as a convicted felon (18 arrests for armed robbery in his youth!), "Dog" cannot even carry a gun - just handcuffs.

But, if we go to his website, we find a poetic soul. "Dog" has such charming "isms" as: "From 18 to 80. Blind. Crippled or Crazy. If they can't walk or crawl, we'll drag Em back!". No, we think we would not want "Dog" on our trail.

"Dog", is credited with capturing more than 6000 felons since his release from a Texas prison 25 years ago, including the "infamous" Kona burgler (huh? did this guy steal coffee or something?). That makes "Dog" one busy boy.....but not THAT busy. "Dog" has twelve children, seven of whom live at home!! The hunting has indeed been bounteous.

But don't take TT's word for it, check outThe Official site of world-famous Duane "Dog" Chapman, Bounty Hunter!.

Good news for Baghdad Bob's legion of fans!!

Baghdad Bob, known as the "sultan of spin" and who became renown for his incisive and analytical observations on the unfolding war in Iraq, finally has been immortalized on DVD.

Bob, has been in hiding (along with the Weapons of Mass Distraction) and just MAY be about to run off with his Pentagon counterpart, VIctoria Clarke,(remember you heard that first from Turnip Top. BB developed quite a following with his in-depth commentary (can we ever forget, "Rumsfeld, he needs to be hit on the head.") and indefatiguable optimism ( remember, "they are coming to surrender"??)while photographic images consistently displayed the opposite of whatever he was saying.

So forget the Matrix Reloaded or Lord of the Rings, the real "hot" dvd of the season is "Comical Ali", available for "approximately"$17.99 - cheaper everywhere outside the US. Vicky provided us 'war watchers' with the style but it was Bob who gave us the substance. With Bob's words now available on dvd, can "Fushia and Lime Green: the Victoria Clarke Story" be far behind???CLICK TO ORDER YOUR COPY OF BAGHDAD BOB'S GREATEST HITS

Like many other fashion mavens, TT was in shock today. Victoria Clarke, spokesmodel for the Pentagon, announced she was resigning!!!

We are devestated. Although her Pentagon briefings have been infrequent of late (VIctoria only does briefings as long as there is a Pentagon-certified war going on), TT had come to look to her as a beacon for the colourful in a grey grey world.

Most appropriately, Victoria wore one of our favourite jackets - the "Mondrian on Speed" jacket - to announce her resignation.CLICK TO SEE THE MULTI COLOURED MONDRIAN JACKET - PERHAPS FOR THE LAST TIME.

The ubiquitous, "personal reasons", were cited for the hasty (this week) departure but we suspect something deeper. Perhaps the dull drab grey of corporate America calls, desperate for a fashion fix.......

TT is deploying an investigative team this very minute. We will follow the trail of fushia and lime green until we find out what is really going on here. We owe it to our readers and to fashion trendsetters everywhere.

Turnip Top has always enjoyed a friendly game of Scrabble but, as we have learned, every Scrabble player has their own favourite dictionary which,not co-incidentally, allows them to use their own favourite words.

Some folks (the linguistically challenged in TT's view) insist on playing with The Official Scrabble Dictionary which elevates grunts and gurgles to the status of "word". Suddenly, "bo", "xi" (that well used vietnamese currency), "uh", and "duh" can, if strategically placed, give its monosyllabic instigators thirty- plus points and a horridly unfair advantage over those who use "real" words!!

Players routinely engage in pre-game jockeying over which dictionary will serve as the ultimate arbitration vehicle. The seeds of victory lie within the pages of the dictionary selected.

As arguments persist over the virtues of Webster's vs. Oxford vs The Official Scrabble Dictionary, TT has decided to opt for The Urban Dictionary!!

The Urban Dictionary ( a slang dictionary contributed by its users) introduces us to words that Oxford and The Official Scrabble Dictionary can only dream about. How about "spatulate" which, according to the dictionary means to "bludgeon with a spatula" (" buzz off or I will spatulate you!").

The Urban Dictionary has the advantage of being incredibly timely. How long do you think it is going to take before Oxford or even The Official Scrabble Dictionary incorporates "ga dunk a dunk" (a big bottom)? ( I need to have these pants altered to accommodate my ga dunk a dunk!).

Krunk has been a word since 1993 when Conan O'Brien invented it ("America's newest swear word") so the networks wouldn't know whether or not to bleep it out (What the krunk do you want now?). You will not find "krunk" in Oxford, Webster's or even the Official Scrabble Dictionary but you WILL find it, appropriately in our view, in the Urban Dictionary.

While other dictionaries ruthlessly expunge any words that are "capitalized" (quaintly referred to as "proper"), the Urban Dictionary knows no such limits. For example, we love the inclusion and definition(s) of canada (of course there can be multiple meanings for the same word just like any other dictionary).

Ca-NUH-Duh is defined as: "The largest French population in the world not to surrender to the Germans".

Alternatively, Can-ah-dah is defined as" "the land of beautiful women, inexpensive hard liquor and polar bears".

TT can only urge you to reduce conflict in the Scrabble world by going immediately toUrbanDictionary:CLICK AND DEFINE YOUR OWN WORLD

Of course, suggestions that TT goes on line and adds a bunch of words prior to any game are shocking, groundless and clearly the views of those lacking in strategic skill and foresight..

It would seem that TT readers are a festive bunch!

In recent weeks, TT has opined on some of the major festivals in America ...the crawfish festival in Beaux Bridge, Louisianna...the Catfish Festival in Belzoni, Mississippi... the Mermaid Festival on Coney Island and the Midsommer Frolic (lupines, murder and all) in New Sweden, Maine.

However, it would seem, thanks to an alert reader, that TT has overlooked the gastronomical joys of the Slugburger Festival in Corinth, Mississippi. (Probably jealous of Belzoni and all the attention it gets).

The appealingly named "Slugburger " is not quite as repulsive as it sounds. Not quite!

These deep fried burgers(hey, it's the south, you didn't really expect them to be steamed did you?) used to be simple artery cloggers (beef with a little corn meal as "filler")but no more. Health consciousness has apparently struck Corinth and now, before deep frying, the beef burgers are mixed with soya instead of corn meal - reducing the intake by 3300 calories and 98 grams of fat. We like to think of it as Mississippi Lean Cuisine.

TT's arteries are thankful for that!

While we know how good soya is supposed to be for us, we suspect some Slugburger fans may have had a tad too many festival treats as we notice that festival T-shirts range in size from Large to XXXLarge.CLICK AND FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THE SLUGBURGER.

Happily, the Festival does not conflict with the Mermaid Festival so mark those calanders and loosen those belts!!!

Turnip Top has decided to follow in the inspirational footsteps of Ben Affliction, Robert Downey Junior, Billy Joel, Elton John and a host of other glamourous and talented celebs.

We are voluntarily entering rehab.

It is said that the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem (ok, addiction) and we now accept that TT has an addiction that is running dangerously out of control.

The second step toward rehabilitation is to Oprah-ize the problem - that is to publicly engage in tedious self-flagelation and recite each excruciating detail of the addiction in the most public of ways. Declaring ourselves via Turnip Top is really only the first step of this process. We see a book and a movie as a logical adjunct (Julianne Moore will play TT).

Like most addictions, TT's started innocently enough. A few books and cds purchased on Amazon.com didn't seem so insidious. It saved us a dreary walk in the rain to Barnes and Noble.

Once the ease of on line shopping for books and cds became apparent, dvd shopping was a logical and innocent extension.

TT hates shopping so buying our books, cds and dvds on line was like manna from heaven. Free shipping? And I only have to buy six more dvds? DONE.

We should have realized that the problem had become an addiction as the stacks of unplayed, unopened and unread books outpaced our ability (or number of hours in the day) to consume them. But, like most addictions, it crept up on us. We learnt quickly how to step over the piles and justify the escalating delivery schedules with thoughts that our next vacation would be idyllic. Books, movies and music just sitting there waiting for us.

But, addiction is a sneaky thing and the addict is able to concoct an amazing array of justifications for his or her behaviour.

We will admit we were suckers for those Amazon "recommendations" (how really thoughtful of them) and were secretly thrilled that someone behind that computer screen seemed to understand us so well as to predict with a high degree of accuracy just the books etc that would appeal to us. And, what a rush to get home and find those Amazon.com "presents" just waiting to be opened!!

Ah, the slippery slope.

As the volume and pace of our Amazon.com acquisitions escalated we should have known it was inevitable that we would step over the line. And, step over we did.

Walter's Caviar and Seafood (www.GeorgiaSeafood.com) was just a click away from a year's supply of caviar. Oh, and the fresh Georgia shrimp ("most succulent in the world") seemed so much more sensible than Zabar's or Citarella. Our purchasing decisions were validated by the knowledge that people like Ted Turner were buying their caviar and shrimp from Walter's and the shrimp were genuinely "shrimp safe" ( the cousin of "dolphin friendly").

In our little root vegetable heart we suppose we knew the purchase of caviar and shrimp on-line was a huge warning bell but, as is the case with most addicts, we chose to ignore it and merrily continued on our plunge towards "bottom".

TT eased into e-Bay (paying twice the face value for tickets to a show that turned out to be "standing room only" tickets, many of which were still available through Ticketmaster for the normal selling price). Furious, TT finally had to accept that this dangerous on line shopping monster had taken us over and we just HAD to get the monkey off our back.

Naturally, we were convinced we could stop any time and didn't need any twelve step programme or residential treatment to do it. WRONG.

Not two weeks later ,TT was back on line buying an indoor rowing machine!! Now TT has gym memberships (note the plural) and gymwear (seriously plural). The fact that these things don't actually get used should have been a large flashing red light - but it wasn't. On we proceeded, until a brand new Concept 2 rower landed on our doorstep (well, everyone says they are the best).. Of course there is no room for it, so it is still in its box - BUT there was free delivery!!!

Maybe it was the arrival of the rowing machine. Or, it could have been the freezer stuffed with "fresh" Georgia shrimp and two racks of the refrigerator laden with American caviar. It could also have been the piles and piles of unopened books, cds and dvds which brought us to confront our on-line shopping demon. Any one of these things was in and of itself enough to constitute a "tipping point".

We think, howver, that it was the terror of realizing that when we stumbled acrossCalifornia Cryobank - Sperm Bank(CLICK IF YOU DONT BELIEVE ME)there was no limit to what could be ordered on line. Cryobank is getting 1000 visitors a day to its web site and Xytex Sperm Bank in Atlanta is getting 20,000 visitors a month to its site. TT finally saw the Abyss into which we had tumbled.

And so, with determination and book and movie rights still under negotiation, TT confronts the addiction and will be heading to rehab. We are just going to order a couple of things from Amazon.com before we go - gotta have something to read and some music to listen to!!!