While Hamlet opined on things rotten in the state of Denmark, TT cannot help but think that things are also pretty rotten in New Sweden, Maine.

New Sweden, is the Rose Nylandesque town of 621 where murder most foul struck recently at, of all places, the Gustav Adolph Church (Gustav Adolph???? is this some sort of Swedish Saint?).

For TT readers who missed the story, one person died and fifteen were hospitalized after drinking arsenic laced coffee after Church one April Sunday. Another parishioner died later from an apparently self inflicted gunshot wound and has been linked to the Arsenic and Old Smorgasbord mystery. Police believe he was involved in the crime but that he was not alone! The Smorgasbord thickens!

So, until the mystery is solved, police now guard the coffee urns at the post-service frivolities.

Meanwhile, the town attempts to return to "normal". "Normal" apparently includes dressing up in Swedish costumes for the Midsommer Festival where folks decorate and dance around the "majstang" (Swedish for large maypole). People with names like Sven and Carlsson engage in collecting lupines for the hair wreath activities (you need to bring your own garden clippers , hair wires and buckets but with a murderer still on the prowl TT wouldnt feel comfortable being surrounded by all those potentially lethal weapons).

Participants can also take part in something called the Frukost(given that it starts at 530 am TT is not surprised that eventually someone got murdered).

With music (you can "jam" with someone called Silas Gustavson) and a smorgesbord,clearly the town is not letting this ugliness interfere with day to day life.CLICK AND CHECK OUT THOSE MAJSTANG FRIVOLITIES

With a population of 621 and a congregation of 50 people TT doesn't understand why this murder is taking so long to solve. Obviously anyone without lupines in their hair is an outsider and would have been spotted at the church social, so its an inside job with a maximum of 621 suspects.

New Stockholm police would do well to look to the experience of Cabot Cove, Maine, murder capital of America. Cabot Cove had 286 murders in a decade and ALL of them were successfully solved by Jessica FLetcher - not one of the murders took more than 60 minutes to solve, and that includes the crime itself!

TT's advice to New Sweden (in the county of Stockholm, of course) is to get in Jessica FLetcher to solve this thing so the Midsommar Frolic can go on as planned on June 21. Unfortunately that is also the date of the Mermaid Festival on Coney Island so we doubt many TT readers will be picking lupines or dancing around majstags.

Turnip Top cannot help but notice that murder seems to be an appearance altering event - for the survivors as well as the unfortunate murderee!

We watched Marsha Clark, who prosecuted OJ "Ugly Ass Shoes" Simpson morph from a hard-edged, lemon-sucking frumpette into a Mega-Vamp. Stodgy suits, militaryesque hairdo and penny loafers became stiletto-heeled, mini-skirted and celebrity coiffed Honey Pot overnight (well at least after jury research suggested that the jury didnt like her much).

Clara Harris (she of the "oooops" I ran over my husband in my Mercedes three times by mistake) was apparently able to get her hands on a bottle of hair dye after being arrested. We saw her as a brassy bottle blonde in her "mug shots". By the time she went to trial she too had morphed into something else. Sleek, dark haired and with designer suits (didnt anyone tell her juries dont like designer clothing on their murderers?), the Latin "professional" suburban mom looked much less likely to bump off her hubby than the bimboesque looking hussy arrested for the "accident".

Scott Peterson, apparently in an effort to take his mind off his grief, sported a new spikey haircut and a new cool blonde haircolour when he was finally arrested for Laci's murder (Laci is the wife, in unlikely case that you are unfamiliar with the case). This may prove to be an image error. The new Scott looks like a man ready to enjoy his newfound single status and/or slip across the Mexican border. At least the old Scott looked more like the upstanding husband. TT bets the old Scott will be what we see by the time this all comes to trial in a squillion years.

Already, other characters in the Peterson saga are having "makeovers". We first met "the other woman" a few months ago. Straggly brown hair and a lost puppy look made her a most unlikely looking femme fatale temptress and very ordinary and straighforwad(although the fact she is a masseuse doesnt hurt the temptress image). Now, with celeb lawyer Gloria Allred in tow(to protect her privacy of course)AMBER FREY (click and check out the new hair colour and "do")emerged before the cameras with newly coloured and coiffed Farrah Fawcett hair and enough make-up to sink a battleship. She definitely has a better colourist than Scott whose hair now seems to have an unfortunate orangey/yellow tinge. Not so Miss Frey. The Vampette, looking much more "the other woman", is clearly dressed in preparation for her role at centre stage and the mega squillions Miss Allred will shrewdly ratchet up by keeping her quiet till after the trial.

Murder definitely does seem to have an appearance enhancing impact. All of which has TT thinking.....we could certainly use a "make over" ourselves. If murder for a "make-over" seems a bit slender as a motive for murder then maybe an accident........

TT readers are an eclectic group. They tend to be of highly superior intelligence, sophisticated, extremely well travelled and well read.

Now we know they are also a comptetive group.

TT has recently chronicled the aquatic and artistic genius of the small Mississippi town of Belzoni, where more than 30 life size sculputes of Catfish dot the tiny town and King Cat, the largest Catfish in the world, rules from his own pond.

While we generally ignore our readers, we are forced to admit that it was a TTreader that has brought to our attention the amazing Coney Island Mermaid Festival.In general, if it is really important, TT already knows about it. It would seem that every June (to celebrate the summer solstice, we are advised) life-size adults cavort on Coney Island in Mermaid gear!! Sounds like our kind of party!

We suppose this is supposed to be one-upsmanship on the Belzoni catfish festival but really.... grown ups running around dressed as mermaids??? The festivities conclude with the MERMAID PARADE -click to see the words cannot describe photo proof (not to be confused with the Catfish on Parade). NOW we understand why we get such little fan mail around June 21 - TT readers are all on Coney Island, as the photo clearly demonstrates. We think a few of them may want to consider a bit of fashion advice from Pentagon maven, Victoria Clark.

TT received a nice note from the Mayor of Belzoni after we gave such great publicity to the Catfish Festival and Parade, we assume that Coney Island will soon designate us Honourary Mermaid or some suitable alternative.

TT will be examining the Mermaid section of our wardrobe (next to the boa section) in anticipation of this year's festivities!!

America maintains that it does not use torture as a means for extracting information, even from Bad Guys.

Oh, the occasional Agent of Evil gets moved to a 'third country' where ripping out toenails is considered cosmetic enhancement and "the rack" is still a spectator sport. Just a dash of plausible deniability.

Now, the US government has confirmed that a form of torture is being used on the Agents of Evil apprehended in Iraq. All, apparently, in the relentless effort to find those elusive weapons of mass destruction. But, to date, we hear no voices of protest.

Blaring rock music 24/7 at Bad Guys is not a new technique. One is reminded of the Waco standoff and how the music of the Beach Boys was played over and over through loudspeakers. (Of course there is the school of thought that says David Koresh was a Beach Boys fan and asked for the music to be cranked up.....but the genius was in the plan, not the execution).

Now, there is a new, and TT thinks shameful , twist in the evolution of torture. The various members of the Deck of Cards are being bombarded with the music of Heavy Metal Group, Metallica (we understand five minutes of that and they are begging to have their toenails yanked out). TT has no problem with this, in fact we think this is the very purpose for which the music was intended.

But, most shocking, is the revelation that the Deck of Cards are being forced to listen to children's songs!! Specifically, BARNEY. the purple dinosaur, is singing night and day to the prisoners, along with various Sesame Street characters.

Now, TT does find Barney annoying - so annoying we can almost agree that listening to him endlessly comes close to torture. But Sesame Street?? Could anyone who has cried at Miss Piggy's Madame Butterfly possibly see this as torture?? Clearly not.

And, after Barney and Sesame Street, then what? Clearly nothing is sacrosanct. The Teletubbies and Bob the Builder will be next. We are all in favour of compassion and human rights but why should Iraqi Agents of Evil get privileges that TT can only dream about?

Turnip Top has long come to terms with being a celebrity. We accept the intense scrutiny of every move because we get lots of "free stuff".

Periodically, in spite of behaviour which is above reproach and a model to many, some gossip monger, fueled by boredem and jealousy.....will try to ruin our pristine reputation.

It would seem that in the absence of war and with the Scott Peterson records sealed, some people have too much time on their hands and have decided to make TT a target.

For the benefit of our readers, TT wants to set the record straight.

Suggestions that TT and the TT investigation team spent a day visiting Graceland are just ludicrous. TT cannot imagine spending more than six or seven hours in the Bastion of Bad Taste. A day??? I don't think so.

Photographs and fingerprints on an ATM receipt (must have been some other Turnip) are meaningless. Just because there is blood in the Bronco or cement dust in Scott Peterson's boat, doesn't prove guilt.

Pelvis swivelling in the Jungle Room??? We don't think so.

TT is offended at the charge that we have purloined home decorating ideas from The King. TT has had fuzzy green shag carpet on the walls and ceiling of our offices for a very long time. As for the ginormous white fuzzy bed with built in tv and stereo, doesn't everyone have one of those??? And, gold bathroom fixtures seem to us to be everywhere these days.

Really ridiculous is even the suggestion that TT would be tooling around Graceland in a 1956 purple cadillac convertible, clad in a multi-coloured boa and playing Dont Be Cruel at sound barrier breaking decibel levels. Ridiculous. It was a regular Buick, the music was Suspicious Eyes and the boa wasn't acquired until after visiting Graceland - IF we visited Graceland.

We are particulary outraged by charges that TT and the investigative team found lodging in the Burning Love Suite at the Heartbreak Hotel. Apart from the fact that reservations are impossible to obtain, TT would NEVER stay in something called the Burning Love Suite...the Platinum Suite, maybe. The Hollywood Suite also a possible but the Burning Love Suite...we don't think so!!!

TT has the highest regard for the Tabloids. We consider them to be a prime source of factual news about important world events. And, we would remind you, Jayson Blair was never hired by a Tabloid!! We trust that, having set the record straight, the Tabloids will do the right thing.

TT has left the room.

Turnip Top had never really been able to understand why John Grisham would continue to live in Mississippi, even after earning squillions of dollars - but that was before we actually went to Mississippi.

Throw away those tickets to La Scala. Cancel those plans to go to Stratford on Avon. And, forget those scalped tickets to Hairspray.

Mark Saturday, April 3, 2004 on those calendars and book a flight....well, on second thoughts, we doubt planes can get you there so rent a car (or go southern and rent the biggest SUV you can find). You are going to want to be in Belzoni, Mississippi (apparently Belzoni is a well known old Southern name) for the annual World Catfish Festival (nothing so unambitious as the State or County Catfish Festival).

For the less well travelled among TT readers (you know who you are), Belzoni has always billed itself as the "undisputed catfish capitol of the world". Frankly, the TT team of investigative reporters were prepared to unmask the 2000 plus Belzonians as charlatans and definitely dispute these grandiose claims. It doesn't happen often (we can recall only once), but the TT team was proven wrong. There is no dispute. This is the catfish capitol of the world - these people are lovingly and totally dedicated to the catfish.

You may sneer but the World Catfish Festival is now listed as one of the top 100 events in North America (of course we are a little unclear exactly who compiled the list but after what we saw in Belzoni we are fully prepared to accept the claim on face value). The Festival started in 1976 on the lawn of the Court House. Today it encompasses the whole downtown area - true, that is only four streets but that's roughly 3million times the size of the Court House lawn. Belzoni apparently is the scene of the World's Largest Fish Fry also.

Unfortunately, TT was too late for this year's Festival but the Catfish Influence is Pervasive nonetheless. Belzonians are credited with turning the county into the "Global Leader" in the production of farm raised catfish. For the agriculturally challenged (we find most TT readers to be agriculturally challenged), this means they have painstakenly taught the fish table manners so that they no longer scavenge the garbage dregs from the bottom of ponds but now politely take food "from above". (Hey, TT can only report on what we are told, we cannot be expected to understand it!)

What really stands out though is the cultural and artistic dedication to the catfish. It may come as a surprise to you (it certainly did to the TT team) but Belzoni claims to have the largest collection of outdoor sculpture per capita in the State. Now, TT was not able to do a complete inventory of the entire state of Mississippi but a cursory examination suggested to our expert eyes that the claim is solid.

The outdoor sculptures are presided over by "King Cat" (over forty feet from whiskers to tail) who welcomes visitors from his own fish pond. Weighing in at more than half a ton, TT elected not to challenge the claim that King Cat is the world's largest catfish.

Dotted throughout the mini-town (remember those four streets?) are more than thirty LIFESIZE sculptures of catfish - all with their own distinctive "personalities" and making their own respective "fashion statements". Frankly, words can not quite capture the emotions of encountering more life size catfish sculptures than people - all done by local artists. Take a few minutes and check out these amazingly engaging "citizens" of Belzoni (www.catfishcapitalonline.com. Go to the Catfish on Parade Section, it's worth it). TT ace statisticians calculate there is one life size catfish sculpture citizen for every 80 human citizens (TT always travels with an expert statistician for just such circumstances).

Time does not permit further elucidation.

We could talk about the Catfish Museum (the architect also did the Statue of Liberty restoration!!) or give you John Grisham's recipe for "Catfish Lafitte" but we have tickets to buy for the Festival for the next ten years. Belzoni thoughtfully provides visitors with the dates for the coming decade. TT might be persuaded to share the dates - after we lock in our own tickets, of course.


NOTE: Catfish aficianados or those who simply lack the self control to keep their comments or views to themselves can contact TT directly at rootvegies@aol.com We may, or may not, read and reply.

Bankers are drawn to Wall Street and ad execs to Madison Avenue. Actors inevitably head to Hollywood and art aficianados to Paris and Rome.

For Turnip Top, the lure of Leland, Mississippi proved impossible to resist and today the TT investigative team, fueled by deep fried everything, went in search of the Holy Grail. For the culturally challenged, Leland is the birthplace of Kermit the Frog. The TT team enjoyed the six foot human size fuzzy green replica of Kermit, the video of his conception and birth and memorabilia TT would have killed for.

For those who have crossed Paris off their travel list, TT strongly suggests Leland as a worthy substitute. Little can compare with the Miss Piggy Treasury of Art Masterpeices on display (on loan from the Kermitage Collection). Also, Guggenheim ready, is the now famous Miss Piggy Cover Girl Fantasy Calander and the stunning Famous Femmes de Histoire Collection.

TT highly recommends a pilgrimage to Leland for the culturally sophisticated TT reader - which of course means all TT readers.

Turnip Top, and the entire TT investigative team, along with clones, remain on Deep Assignment in the Deep Fried South.

Just when we thought we had uncovered (and eaten) every Deep Fried possibility, we discover yet another artery clogger. Today it was Deep Fried Pickles. Now, we love Deep Fried Tomatoes and thought the movie was terrific but really doubt that Julia Roberts would ever consider starring in Deep Fried Pickles.

TT finds no dearth of news to peak our interest while we ingest our cholesterol, although we do notice that local media tend not to have quite the same priorities as CNN or the NY Times.

The Natchez Democrat's feature front page story yesterday is headlined: German Couple Faces Language Challenge On Trip. The story chronicles the problems encountered by German tourists Claudia and Thomas in trying to understand the Southern drawl. Their difficulties were largely attributed to the fact that while they had learned English in school they never really used it. Now TT has been speaking English since conception (TT readers will not be surprised to learn that TT was talking well before birth) but has been unable to understand what anyone is saying without it being repeated at least three times and no one seems to really understand what TT or the TT investigative team is saying either.

We had been inclined to be derisive about the front page attention given to the German communication angst but, having now been forced to travel with interpreters, we now see how insightful the Democrat editors really are and how egocentric and myopic the Times and other so-called mainstream national media. Not so much as a footnote on the German tourists or thousands like them.

TT would delve further into the phenomena but we are feeling a little peckish and at least two arteries appear to be seriously unclogged. Time for Mel's "light" breakfast combo (Mel's makes a Denny's SuperSizer breakfast seem meagre)--waffles, hotcakes, eggs, bacon , sausage, fries, buttermilk buscuits , Carolina Amish jam(yes, there are Amish in the Carolina's)pounds of butter etc etc etc etc. To ease the cholesterol slide down to the arteries - OJ (with a side order of deep fried pickles of course!!). All that...and seconds....for $3.00. We are starting to understand how everyone is able to afford new, spiffy ginormous SUVs (breakfasts at Mel's means eventually a huge SUV is the only form of transportation that can handle Mel's customers).

Turnip Top is currently on Deep Assignment (suggestions that this is some sort of vacation are mean-spirited and inaccurate!).

The cracker-jack TT investigative team is engaged in intensive study of the geo-political and historic intergalactic forces that have shaped the Deep South (so named cause EVERYTHING is Deep Fried and carrried around on the world's biggest SUV's and trucks - the TT team are probably the only ones travelling in anything even remotely resembling a "normal" car).

Accusations from certain jealous TT readers that this is nothing more than a self-indulgent foray into a comparative BBQ extravaganza, are patently false! TT has also dipped into creole and cajun and has now consumed shrimp prepared in approximately 631 different ways and this is only the third day. TT has found that profound analyses comes more quickly when sufficiently (or even more than sufficiently) suffoncified and fortified. It is clinically proved that deep frying crystallizes the thought processes in much the same way it hardens arteries.

The Deep South, TT is learning, is also called the Deep South because world news seems to be buried deep and one has to claw ones way through at least three crayfish festivals and two swamp tours to find out what's up.. TT thought an eloquent testimonial to some of what distinguishes the Deep South from the Deep North (or west for that matter) could be found by reading the Times-Picayune (yes, there really is a newspaper with that name but how can TT mock it when TT has been known to read something called the Modesto Bee??). Here in "sophisticated" New Orleans (not the cajun bayou) it was not until page 17 that TT hit news about Iraq. Headline: DIsorder Still The Order of the Streets!

Hmmm. Sixteen pages of "stuff" deemed more critical to New Orleanais than developments in Iraq.....

TT thinks maybe there is somethng to be said for crayfish festivals, swamp tours and deep fried anything. Its not even clear to us whether Louisana has been told there was/is/might be a war in Iraq. It may just not be such a bad place to be and may just be that, in the end, the winner of the crayfish eating contest may be more memorable...............