It seems like only yesterday that Turnip Top was glued to CNN following every twist and turn in the "hanging chads" debacle. That is, when ads for "The Clapper" and multitudinous advertisements for cholesterol reduction and other unpleasant physical ailments slowed down enough to let us in on what was going on. (What IS it with CNN??Do their advertisers believe that only the sick, aged and generally falling apart watch it? Lipitor, Vioxx, Viagara etc etc etc Watching CNN provides you with a chilling picture of what the future holds.)

Now, within days, we are have two reminders that there is another Presidential election coming. Turnip Top has always found it curious that American Presidential races seem to start as soon as a new President is inaugurated. We suspect that "hanging chad" fatigue may have delayed the inevitable which now appears apon us and given us a longer than usual breathing space.

Senator John Kerry has announced the establishment of an "exploratory committee" (euphemism for setting up the fundraising mechanism) with a view to running for President in 2004 . Turnip Top is forced to admit that the only thing we know Senator Kerry has done is marry a quizillionheiress whose previous husband apparently invented ketchup. Strikes Turnip Top as indicative of some skill and talent. Not so easy to marry a super mega rich person we say!!!

Turnip Top also notices that Kerry has an incredible head of hair, reminding us that hair is often very central to a successful (or unsuccessful) run for the Presidency. Kerry seems to be off to a good start in that regard. JFK defeated Nixon and TT thinks hair played a pivotal role. One can only imagine the success that RFK or JFK Jr might have had. Bill Clinton beat George Bush. Need we say more??? Indeed, in what we believe to be an interesting indicator, Senator Kerry has his pompadour tended by non other than Christophe!! Savvy TT readers know that Christophe is the one who was clipping Clinton's locks on the runway at LAX bringing air traffic in America to a grinding halt for two hours. Christophe has clearly fallen on hard times however as he gets only $75 for shearing Kerry but pocketed $150 for coiffing Clinton. On the other hand, maybe Kerry is just a shrewd bargainer and that surely counts on the plus side of the ledger for Presidential aspirants!

Then, we have Al Macarana Gore popping up everywhere (not as often as J Low but then he isnt as popular) promoting his new book and engaging in an elaborate flirtation with journalists as to his "intentions". Now Al pops up without the beard but with Tipper. His new book is not some insightful "insider tell all" but an account of his marriage to Tipper. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, Turnip Top dozed off there. Is there a subject TT wants to read about LESS that Al and Tipper's marriage??? We don't think so. We already know that they inspired the great literary work "Love Story" (right before Al invented the Internet), what else could we possibly want to know? And, it appears that the masses agree with Turnip Top's view. Al's book is a dismal 1400 on the Amazon.com best seller list. Just after "Multi-Tasking for Dogs".

Turnip Top things it's going to be a long two years. Lots of new anti-cholesterol and thinning hair products to become familiar with. Oh for a hanging chad or two!

Turnip Top readers are forgiven if they are finding the situation with Iraq difficult to follow. Turnip Top admits to perplexion (that turnip topism which will be familar to regular readers).

Now, we have gaggles of experts pouring over thousands and thousands of pages of Iraqi documents trying to ferret out the Smoking Gun. Of course Turnip Top found the Smoking Gun some time ago....its called North Korea.

We have Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush (after four days of inspections in Iraq) declaring initial signs "not at all promising". This juxtaposed with Colin Powell declaring the early indications "promising", the UN Secretary General declaring initial signs "encouraging", inspectors roaming through sites (including one of the Presidential Palaces previously deemed off limits) and confirming that to date their access had been "unfettered" and complete. The phalanx of journalists trailing the burgeoning group of inspectors shows us images of sites that dont look capable of producing a Big Mac, let alone anything else.

Washington insists on including so called "dual usage" sites and equipement. Then when the Iraquis include facilities for the production on pesticides, pharmaceuticals or cement (all figure in a dual usage scenario), Washinton trashes it as throwing in red herrings.......which it may all well be. But, its about strategy and "spin".

TT knows something about "spin" and right now the Washington "spin" is on the losing side of the battle as far as world opinion is concerned. The lead inspector is trashed as "not up to the job", before he has even started. The inspectors are deemed to be not agressive enough (are they to crash into sites with howitzers and set up a defection agency for Iraqi scientists?). Then the message shifts to, well the inspectors arent going to be able to find anything anyway because its too big a country etc etc etc.

Washington tells us the Iraquis are lying and that Washington has the evidence, evidence the inspectors are not going to be able to find they say. Yet requests from the inspectors to share such information yielded nothing to date. Even requests from Turnip Top have been ignored.

Maybe (even probably), Washinton is right and maybe they do KNOW but for the rest of the world one can only ask, "where's the beef?" And, if there is beef, is war the only exit strategy? What if there isnt much of anything (beyond the tantalizing hints contained in the index of the Iraqi submission)? What if what the Iraquis have learned and developed has already been exported to more difficult and complex end users like the guys on the horses who have eluded capture since 9/11? Is the strategy to systematically bomb any country with bad weapons, bad leaders and in violation of UN Resolutions? Guess one would have to add Pakistan, Israel and North Korea, among others, to the list. Maybe a single global war would be more efficient!!

The "Coalition of the Willing" (Washington's new term for it) is looking to Turnip Topmore like a "Coaliton of the Coerced and Co-Opted". After a multibillion dollar assistance package is promised to Columbia (Rotating Presidency of the Full Security Council), Columbia mysteriously changes its vote on dissemination of the Iraqi dossier and backs the US.position (ya the one that flip flopped and reversed itself in a 24 hour period. Qaatar has a fabulous new airport and so it goes.

Turnip Top is surprised (but only mildy) that Washington seems to have forgotten (if they had figured it out in the first place) that friends you can buy with a free lunch are always open to repurchase by someone else for a free dinner. Buying ones friends and short term expediency as a basis for strategy or friendship hasn't had the best track record. Saddam the demon was a good enough friend at one point to arm him to take on the then demon Iran. (TT readers can add the many many examples history can supply. Hmmm. TT wonders where all that weaponry is now.

While inspectors inspect and spinners spin, the North Koreans furnish scuds to those eminently reliable friends the Yemenis (who on earth are they defending themselves against with missiles that have a 300 mile range? Bahrain?) and brazenly announce they are recommencing their nuclear programme.No subtrefuge here. No need to send in the inspectors. The North Koreans actually hand the smoking gun over.

In a small footnote the Pentagon announced a $100million in military assistance to the government of Algeria. Algeria??? That bastion of freedom where an estimated 100,000 people have been killed in the bloody civil war. Of course, TT sleeps better knowing that the kinder gently Algerian government (they must be if Washington is handing them all this firepower)has the will and mechanisms in place to ensure all this weaponry doesnt fall into nefarious hands, unless of course the nefarious hands lurk within the government itself. ......

Hmmm. TT for one is glad that Lord of the Rings will be released soon. There's a lot TT would prefer to escape from right now.

Turnip Top has almost reached the point of welcoming the sabre rattling of Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld, one of the 100 sexiest men in America (YIKES) according to People magazine(Official Chronicler of Hollywood Cyclical Monogamy events and the corollary phenomenon, of Overlapping Cyclical Monogamy).

Turnip Top thinks the folks at People had better get back on hormone replacement therapy and FAST!! Not only is Atilla Rumsfeld deemed one of the 100 sexiest men in America but he has been named the sexiest politician....an eloquent statement as to the paucity of political depth in the country!

Of course, it is important to put it in the context that this formerly august publication also deemed Single Expression Ben Affliction the sexiest man alive. Yes, he with the emotional range of a marshmallow (of the miniature variety) . Call Wyeth and have them send over industrial quantities of hormones (male, female...whatever) to the folks at People. Turnip Top naturally is compiling its own list but that is for another day.

So what is it that has pushed Turnip Top so close to the precipice? Let's face it, when you welcome Atilla's nuanced and adept political positioning vis a vis Iraq, one is aruguably already over the precipice!

Like many people, it is JLOD( J. Low OverDose) that has pushed us to the brink.

She is everywhere. Q, People, the Enquirer, Star, Vanity Fair (all the media thought leaders). On billboards, in full page ads, on the radio, in the cinemas, on the news. She is ubiquitous!

Now admittedly J Low is multitalented and such an array of abilities deserves saturation media attention. In addition to acting, singing and dancing, she has a restaurant, designs a line of clothing, produces a full line of clothing, produces a fragrance and is coming out with a video game (Jen Saves Ben....TT kids you not). Oh, and did we mention the dolls??

Now we can alert you that next week, in an effort to at least shift the media focus to her more substantive accomplishments, TT is pleased to share with readers that J-Low will announce that:

a)she has found the holes and lies in the 13000 pages of documents that Iraq has submitted to the UN;

b)she is close to a cure for cancer (all forms and all stages);

c)she has almost completed the architectural and engineering drawings for the buildings that will replace the World Trade Center ,and

d)she will swim the Pacific Ocean (in tsunami season).

It is ALMOST enough to want Britney back in the news but we will settle for the sabre rattling Rumsfeld.......for now.

Turnip Top readers are a sophisticated, urbane and erudite group.

They can be forgiven, however, if they are finding the "Butler Battles" somewhat confusing. Turnip Top is not at all confused and can clarify all.

Charges against a SECOND butler (not butler number 1 who was recently saved from incarceration by no lesser being the HRM!) have been dropped. Butler number 2 was being charged with stealing Princess D's valuables (those that Butler number 1 had not already purloined...er, taken for safe keeping). Prosecuters have decided not to proceed to trial. This is clearly a smart decision on the part of London prosecutors as Butler 2 undoubtedly had a long private conversation with HRM in which he disclosed that he was going to take some of Diana's possession for "safekeeping". And, since HRM is likely to jump in to reveal this fact to the world ,milliseconds before Butler 2 is convicted and forced to reveal all his secrets to the Daily Mirror for a handsome sum, this saves trial costs.

Actually, astute and up to date TT readers will know that Butler 2 has ALREADY started to spill the beans. He claims that Butler 1 was the "fence" by which precious royal artifacts (used coaches, broken crowns and sceptres, motheaten ermine robes etc) were sold for cold hard cash by the Butler Mafia.

Now, TT readers should not confuse THIS Butler with the Butler who was accused of raping another Butler (Butlers 3 and 4). Although Butler 1 has been accused of conducting gay romps at the palace. Nor should readers confuse Butlers 1, 2, 3, or 4 with the Butler that Charles retains for the sole purpose of putting toothpaste on his toothbrush(Turnip Top is not kidding!). Butler 5.

Turnip Top sees big questions and observations relating to the human condition emerging (as Turnip Top often does!). These people didn't seem to spend much time "buttling". What do Butlers actually DO when they aren't spilling the trashy secrets of their employers (aren't most secrets trashy?)? Is "Buttling" really full time employment? How many Butlers does it take to make a gaggle? Just why would one give a butler evening gowns to "keep safe"? (Turnip Top has some theories about that!!)

Everyone at Turnip Top is breathing a sigh of relief that Republican instincts prompted the dismissal of TT butlers long ago. Our trashy secrets will die with us!!!

Well, it isn't often that Turnip Top gets "scooped" but TT admits to having been surprised by the announcement that Nick Cage and Lisa Marie have filed for divorce (actually, Nick did the filing and Lisa Marie did the "it was all a big mistake" ).

It seems like only 103 days ago that this latest episode of hollywood cereal (as in Fruit Loops) monogamy was chronicled in the official Cyclical Monogamy Register, People magazine. Well, in fact it WAS only 103 days ago. How did we not see it coming? Who would have thought 103 days could race by so quickly. TT assumed that anyone who could stay married to Michael Jackson would be good for six months with Nick Cage. We were wrong.

Turnip Top can only apologize and point out that there have been a lot of distractions with J-Low and Single Facial Expression Ben Afflicted. Turnip Top is in awe that J-Low should have found ANOTHER "soulmate" and so quickly!!! Why she hasn't even unhitched her chariot from her second "soulmate" yet. Seems a bit greedy to Turnip Top, when there are so many women out there who have'nt even found their first "soulmate.

Isn't there some rule about not having overlappping "soulmates"??????? Turnip Top believes there should be at least a week between soulmates so everyone gets a chance when "soulmates" are shed.