Turnip Top is still evaluating the implications of Ruth Lilly's astonishing legacy!!!

Ruth Lilly was the octagenarian quazillionheiress to the Lilly pharmaceutical fortune who died recently. In a major boost for the obscure, she bequeathed $100 MILLION to a little known poetry magazine(if Turnip Top doesn't subscribe to it, then it qualifies as "little known") published in a little known mid Western American city (if it is between New York and San Francisco and isn't Las Vegas, Turnip Top considers it "little known".

As if that weren't curious enough, even curiouser, the magazine had repeatedly rejected a number of Ms Lilly's poems for publication in the 1970's. Turnip Top applauds Ms Lilly's initiative and sees a clear trend emerging to reward obscure publications through posthumous bequests of one's worldly goods.

It should be pointed out that Turnip Top is particularly obscure and will consistently reject any efforts to have poetry or other ramblings published on its site. TT is uniquely positioned to receive generous bequests of wealth and worldly goods .With a war with Iraq waiting in the wings , Turnip Top can only urge readers to ensure they have made the appropriate arrangements to ensure their wealth is distributed to the obscure and deserving.

Anticipating questions, Turnip Top would note that for these purposes "wealth" and "worldly goods" include not only cold hard cash, but also fine art and antiques, jewels (specially the sparkly, glittery ones), i pods, cd's and dvd's and real estate (residential or commercial).

Poor Britney Spears!!

Her recently opened restaurant in New York has hit a rough patch. Seems the market for "twinkie gumbo" is not as strong as she thought it was. Her almost always empty restaurant (Britney prefers Blue Water Grill) is being sued for non-payment of bills. Turnip Top notes that AGAIN it comes back to litigation, litigation, litigation.

In an effort to revive (hard to revive that which was stillborn) this magnet for we aren't sure who, Britney is changing the menu to specialize in "American" food with an "Italian accent". Dorritos and salsa? Twinkie pizza?

Of course Turnip Top could have told Britney that her core constituency of pre-pubescent girls aren't noted for dining out. Rumour has it that Britney is being advised by the same consulting firm which helped the Miss World competition select Nigeria as the 2002 venue.

Turnip Top's semi permanent state of perplexion (a turnip topism) continutes unabated...

Turnip Top was still scratching her curly top over the curious phenomena of americans' ability to simultaneously support personal responsiblity while at the same time litigating against anyone and everyone within a five thousand mile radius..... when another one of those bizare examples crossed the radar screen. Eight fat teenagers in New York filed suit against McD's. One of those chubby cherubs weighs over 400 pounds and apparently eats at McD's three times a day!

At about the same time, National Geographic released its worldwide survey of geographic literacy among 18 to 14 year olds. Among the nuggets ( not of the chicken variety) revealed was the fact that fully 29 percent of the americans surveyed could not find the Pacific Ocean on the map (it only covers a third of the planet) and 11 percent couldnt find the United States!! Turnip Top believes there is a correlation between eating at fast food restaurants and the inability to find large land and water masses on the map. We at Turnip Top will follow the litigation closely once the inevitable suit is filed!!

Turnip Top has always been perplexed (a semi permanent state for Turnip Top) by America.

In the land of "personal responsibility" and aversion to "big government", the propensity to litigate is apparently transmitted through the drinking water.

Old ladies who spill hot coffee on their laps are awarded millions! Vain women who have their navels shifted through plastic surgery (to enhance their visuals when wearing bikini thongs we are told) but which are repositioned inaccurately, reap quizillions. Fat people are suing fast food outlets because they are fat (Turnip Top has never required the assistance or entreaties of MickyD's to gain weight).

One recent initiative is of particular concern to Turnip Top.

It would seem that Mick Jagger (if he has had botox he SHOULD sue) is not the only Rolling Stone that has picked up some moss!! Ex Stone Bill Wyman is suing an Atlanta newspaper and journalist....Bill Wyman! Wyman (the one thats accumulated the moss) is seeking an undertaking that every time the journalist's name appears it will be accompanied by the disclaimer that this is NOT the BIll Wyman who is an ex-Stone and clearly underemployed. The Mossy Bill wasn't even born with that name but Turnip Top sees huge implications if the suit is successful.

Turnip Top ( not THE ONION, not THE BRAINSTRUST) is concerned and will follow the advice of counsel, who are being consulted at this very minute!

Turnip Top is watching with great interest as responsibility for security at US airports shifts from the private sector to the federal government. We notice that the new uniforms are much "spiffyer" and that every inspection related request is punctuated with almost excessive politeness!!

Miss, would you please stand on one leg, please, and juggle your laptop, purse and carry on bag while we "wand" your foot for mysterious substances, if not inconvenient for you!

There are still things that Turnip Top finds hard to understand. But then Turnip Top has not expertise in security or intelligence matters (especially not intelligence matters).

Why have the airlines taken away knives that were incapable of cutting through one of their omlettes anyway??

Why do they continute to let us have forks (potentially more lethal than those butter knives they took away from us?)

Obviously monitoring "chatter" seems to be a key weapon in the intelligence arsenal but who ARE all these "chatterers"??? What ARE they "chattering" about ?(Surely the substance, as well as the volume, of chatter has some importance?) How do they have so much time to "chatter"? Presumably if they are "chattering" they aren't doing anything worse! How does the intelligence community (turnip top clearly doesn't fit in this category) distinguish between important "chatter" and my "chatter" for example?

Based on "chatter" reports ,Turnip Top notes the recent FBI warning circulated to law enforcement officials of possible "spectaculars" being planned by terrorist groups. Is Turnip Top the only one who finds it incredibly odd that the FBI should use the language (spectaculars) of the IRA??? Strikes Turnip Top as perverse, at best.

The crack news team at Turnip Top have been scrupulously assessing the US election results.

Of course, this is quite uncharacteristic of a " talking head" or especially a gaggle of "talking heads". A gaggle of "talking heads" is, by its very nature, more vacuous than a single "talking head". For this time only, Turnip Top is relying on a network of gaggles of "talking heads" to synthesize the essentials for the politically sophisticated.

Now that the vast universe of "talking heads" from CNN, NBC, Fox, Time, NewsWeek have spewed forth an awesome stream of wisdom, Turnip Top is in a position to tell you all you really need to know about "what it all means".

Simply stated, cocks in Oklahoma should immediately make arrangements to move to Florida!

In their wisdom, the voters of Oklahoma DEFEATED a ballot initiative that would have banned cock fighting (it is understood that cocks are unable to vote in Oklahoma). The voters of Florida, on the other hand, voted in favour of an initiative that will prohibit keeping pregnant pigs in cages.

Beyond that, Turnip Top is not convinced there are any deep or compelling implications to be drawn from the recent election.

It occurs to me that what the world really needs is another "talking head"!

The joy comes in knowing that "talking heads" can pontificate on anything, whether or not they have any centre of expertise or knowledge. Indeed, the less knowledgeable the better the "talking head". Unencumbered by knowledge they are able to opinionate on a wider range of subjects. Expertise circumscribes the "talking head"'s subject matter.

That makes me the PERFECT "talking head"!!! So, welcome to my world. No issue is too complex, too ridiculous or too obscure. Ther may be subjects on which I do not have a view point but given five minutes I can guarantee you I will have one. Talking head will be posted "as the spirit moves me" (or boredom strikes). Fasten your seatbelts.